My W wants to communicate with my xOW now that it is over.

[NoIDidn't]

Seriously, is this OW against BS week?

 

I am sorry...but MM literally told both MC and her that they never had intimacy, marriage was never based on that and the Wife agreed.

 

Sorry..... to me that is saying.... not romantic love.... not "marriage" love...

 

She stayed.... because they love each other... because as we have said many times... there is more to it than lovey/dovey

 

The question will be for both... for sometime- if that is enough now as it wasn't enough before and they knew it wasn't. They either find something they never had ( fake it to you make it is a great analogy and truly many in business full believe in it) or they decide what the new marriage will look like.

 

MB is FULL and I do mean FULL of BS saying " she says she doesn't love me,... he says he loves her" and the advice

 

"He is in affair fog! Make him see the light!"

 

But this was the state of their marriage. For them, they had always settled. It apparently was what their marriage was always like.

 

For a couple who's marriage was not like this all the time, him trying to fall back in love with her would be an insult. I totally agree with the "new marriage" mindset, because that's what you have everyday in a marriage anyway - a chance to make it into something it was not before. But I wouldn't call this "trying to fall in love again", I'd call it "learning to create the love you really want" and add a caveat of "if you can".

 

While I believe in the affair fog (remember our last *disagreement*, LOL), I do not believe one can make the sufferer see the light. You are only left with the choice of waiting it out - if you can stand it.

 

(But am I the only one disturbed by what you know of their MC sessions? He should not be telling you these things unless his W agrees to allow you into their business in this way. Which I highly doubt.)

[Sanafa]

But this was the state of their marriage. For them, they had always settled. It apparently was what their marriage was always like.

 

For a couple who's marriage was not like this all the time, him trying to fall back in love with her would be an insult. I totally agree with the "new marriage" mindset, because that's what you have everyday in a marriage anyway - a chance to make it into something it was not before. But I wouldn't call this "trying to fall in love again", I'd call it "learning to create the love you really want" and add a caveat of "if you can".

 

While I believe in the affair fog (remember our last *disagreement*, LOL), I do not believe one can make the sufferer see the light. You are only left with the choice of waiting it out - if you can stand it.

 

(But am I the only one disturbed by what you know of their MC sessions? He should not be telling you these things unless his W agrees to allow you into their business in this way. Which I highly doubt.)

 

Ahhh... but they won't settle now... that is the plan

 

And easy tiger.. lol... what I know of their MC counseling is during the period we were still talking after DDay ( about 3 weeks)

 

And just to reinterate.... we did not discuss "them" at all the other day... nor did we go backwards and discuss any choices/decisions or anything else. We stuck to the questions "we" had about " us" that was haunting us....

[NoIDidn't]

And easy tiger.. lol...

 

:laugh: :laugh:

[Devil Inside]

You ladies and your debates.

 

So let me see if i can clarify. I love my W. I love my xOW. I did not leave...I chose my wife.

 

My children were a factor in the choice I made...but not the only one. My marriage has lacked passion and sexual intimacy...but I was fulfilled by many aspects of our marriage.

 

After the email I held my wife. I told her that I loved her. I told her that I chose her. I told her I was here and wanted to work on us...and on me.

 

Later I told her that I did love xOW...and that I wished I didn't. I told her that those were my feelings...but that I was going to show her through my actions where my heart was. I told her that I was hoping that in time my feelings would change.

 

I know this wasn't what she wanted to hear...but it was the truth. I did not throw anything in her face. I did not tell her it was only because of the kids..because it was not...nothing is that simple.

[MistyK]

So let me see if i can clarify. I love my W. I love my xOW. I did not leave...I chose my wife.

 

 

In fairness DI, you didn't choose anything - you chose BOTH. Your OW ended the A and you were left to try to fix your M. Knowing that the OW was no longer a option, there was really nothing left to choose except what you already have. I guess in my mind it makes a difference that your OW ended it as opposed to you ending it.

[Devil Inside]

In fairness DI, you didn't choose anything - you chose BOTH. Your OW ended the A and you were left to try to fix your M. Knowing that the OW was no longer a option, there was really nothing left to choose except what you already have. I guess in my mind it makes a difference that your OW ended it as opposed to you ending it.

 

It does make a difference.

 

However, there was a chance, the day she ended it, and the ten months before it for me to choose to leave. She made that very clear.

 

If she dad not ended it...would it have continued with me choosing both...yeah. For how much longer...I really don't think much longer, the anxiety that both xOW and Ifelt around the situation was tangible.

[mnm]

I decided not to contact the OW. I did send a text when I found out they were still talking and told her to leave my H alone. She texted him and said if I contacted her again she would call the cops. Then I caught them in a bar together a few days later and she DID call them!! She's a crazy B! She put her husband in jail on Valentine's Day!

 

I didn't want the added drama and to be honest since I have a DV on my record b/c of this crap, I could have gotten in trouble.

 

I did want to contact the OW's H but my IC told me that he probably already had an idea and what good would it do? By doing that, it could have stopped the NC and I didn't want a hand in that.

[MistyK]

However, there was a chance, the day she ended it, and the ten months before it for me to choose to leave. She made that very clear.

 

Very true.

 

If she dad not ended it...would it have continued with me choosing both...yeah. For how much longer...I really don't think much longer, the anxiety that both xOW and Ifelt around the situation was tangible.

 

I wouldn't be so quick to think that. I don't think my xMM would have ever given up either if he wasn't forced to. He was stressed, but he was getting his needs met.

[Devil Inside]

In fairness DI, you didn't choose anything - you chose BOTH. Your OW ended the A and you were left to try to fix your M. Knowing that the OW was no longer a option, there was really nothing left to choose except what you already have. I guess in my mind it makes a difference that your OW ended it as opposed to you ending it.

 

You know on second thought...this is true...and in a way I never made any choices. I didn't choose either of them...I chose me. I was selfish. I didn't want to hurt either or give up either.

 

This is one of the things that hurts my W the most...that my xOW called it quits before I did.

[MistyK]

You know on second thought...this is true...and in a way I never made any choices. I didn't choose either of them...I chose me. I was selfish. I didn't want to hurt either or give up either.

 

This is one of the things that hurts my W the most...that my xOW called it quits before I did.

 

Honestly the OW can feel the same way - like they are the choice of last resort when the BW kicks the WH out after D-day. That's part of why I wanted xMM to leave before a d-day happened, I wanted it to be a real choice. Turned out of course that he was hoping she'd kick him out so he didn't have to have the "choice" on his conscience.

 

Pretend for a moment that your W found out while the A was still going on. What do you think you would have done? Would you have ended the A then? Or would you have been relieved and gone off with the OW? Or, like my xMM, do you think you were so intent on having it both ways that you would have found a way to keep the A going and stay in the M for as long as both of them would tolerate it?

[Spark1111]

You know on second thought...this is true...and in a way I never made any choices. I didn't choose either of them...I chose me. I was selfish. I didn't want to hurt either or give up either.

 

This is one of the things that hurts my W the most...that my xOW called it quits before I did.

 

This too has been a question of mine for my WS:

 

If you had not been busted on DDAY, how would it have ended? You knew you wouldn't marry her, but still it continued.

 

And, ironically enough, after DDAY, the OW heard of a devasted, angry BS, who threw him out and told him, "go get her."

 

For the first time, she must have realized I was NOT the unfeeling, lacking passion, in it for the money spouse he'd been complaining about for 18 months. She distanced herself from the mess, (not fun anymore?)

 

And texted, "Having been in that situation myself, I can't cause anyone that sort of pain." Hahahaha!

 

I refused to be his default choice. I would NEVER want anyone who did not want me.

 

After three months out of this home, he wanted nothing else.

 

Why do some people have to almost lose it all before they realize what they had????

[Dexter Morgan]

It is very disrespectful to berate BS's and OW.

 

its disrespectful to berate OW/OM? ok, fair enough.

 

so tell me, where is the respect the OW/OM is showing to the BS by boning their spouse?

[ladydesigner]

Wow all these debates are very enlightening. From the BS point of view to the OW. DI I think it is wonderful that you realize you still love your wife. I think it makes the choice to work on your marriage a lot easier. I am still 50/50 on whether I still do truly love my husband or whether I lost that years ago... am I staying just for the kids blah blah blah. It's hard it really is. I am also a BS so I understand a lot of their views. What is strange about my situation being a BS was that i was not surprised that my H cheated on me and I kinda turned a blind eye to it, but deep down inside I think it killed any love I ever had for my H hence began my EA turned PA.

[Devil Inside]

Wow all these debates are very enlightening. From the BS point of view to the OW. DI I think it is wonderful that you realize you still love your wife. I think it makes the choice to work on your marriage a lot easier. I am still 50/50 on whether I still do truly love my husband or whether I lost that years ago... am I staying just for the kids blah blah blah. It's hard it really is. I am also a BS so I understand a lot of their views. What is strange about my situation being a BS was that i was not surprised that my H cheated on me and I kinda turned a blind eye to it, but deep down inside I think it killed any love I ever had for my H hence began my EA turned PA.

 

You and I share the the BS/AP point of view. It is a mind boggling one to say the least.

 

I think that my wife's As probably were a factor in some of the distance that I felt from her before starting my A. So in many way her infidelity contributed to the "dead" feelings in our marriage that I tried to alleviate through an A.

 

Please don't think I am saying it was her fault...the A was my fault...my choice...just pointing out how it is interesting that one spouse cheating can lead to the other one heading that way.

 

Even now that I know about my W's infidelities I still love her. It hasn't killed my love. I will always love her. It has...however...made it hard to trust her. It has put doubts in my mind about our marriage...I mean we both had As how messed up is that!

 

I've said it again and again love is unconditional...relationships are not. I will always love her....whether we can be together...that remains to be seen. I can say right now...I am invested enough to work on it with her..and it seems she with me.

[Adri Ana]

Thank your xOW that let you free to love your W then ,

as alone yourself being so selfish to have both

you would never go to your W

staying with both and

making both women unfulfilled and unhappy, waiting and cheerless . Phewwww!

 

______

 

What the silliness and stupidity is there in women nowadays waiting for a man, I really , really can`t understand . Or is it just me so independent of all ?

[seren]

Why do some people have to almost lose it all before they realize what they had????

 

This is often the case, the marriage with all the day to day stuff can become stale. Very many (myself included) BS are as unhappy and peed off at the sameness of their life as the WS, instead of talking and trying to work it out or decide the M has reached the end of the road the WS and BS live a 'good enough' life, laugh, make plans, make love, same old. The WS looks outside the M to find the excitment and escape they once had with the BS. When it all hits the fan many look at their BS and think WTF was I thinking? Equally the BS, now that they are aware of the A, think WTF do I do now, stay or go? personally, had WH told me he had loved OW I would understand more than it being an escape -from me? from our M, from himself? who knows!! Conflict avoidance?

Our decision to rebuild our marriage is based on a relationship that is good not because of the affair but despite it. I take responsibility for my role in the drip drip erosion of our M, but not the A. My take on A's are if you are so unhappy that you feel the need to lie and hide something from the person who is supporting you, your life, your kids, you owe it to them and the life you have shared to own it and give that person the respect to carry on knowing what's what, or for the M to end so they can find the excitment and escape that they deserve too.

The same applies once the A is known, no lies, no bull****, truth please so we can make informed decisions about our future and to live our lives based on what is, not what is fed us. One of the things OW said to me after Dday was that I was stopping him contacting her - umm no, I had said he should to have closure. OW says 'she knows him' well after 25 years I thought I knew him and certainly thought he would never have an A - she knew who he was to her, I knew what he was to me. Same man, different hat. OW's 'we' was she and him sharing moments that had none of the 'we' me and my H had - bills, kids, losing our home etc etc. I would have loved to escaped from all the crap for some me, fun time. I am not knocking OW and feel she just got caught up in our crap - she was M and had her own crap at home.

I also think that it is entirely possible for someone who is married to meet someone and fall in love - then leave, to stay is selfish in the extreme. To have a Dday and still be in love with OW/OM would be a no brainer for me as I just don't understand how anyone can remain in love with 2 people at the one time without there being unbalance.