Mislead & lied to from the beginning... should I bounce?

[katabel]

Hi Folks,

 

Great forum!

 

I've just got out of a 5 year long abusive relationship, and have recently started dating someone who I thought was a nice guy. I'm unemployed and he's inbetween jobs at the moment (we are both professionals earing good salaries), we've been getting on very well, and there is good chemistry there, so we got to making out (fully clothed) for the last couple of days, and he suggested that I join him on vacation this coming Tuesday (longhaul holiday).

 

Now thjis Monday, it struck me like a bolt out of the blue on the way home from seeing him for a couple of hours in town (he had to get back to the gym) that I'm not seeing him in the evenings, and he's chopping and changing his story about who he is going on holiday with over Christmas & the New Year... first it was his kids, then it turned out it was his "mate's" idea.

 

So come Tuesday when we got past lip kissing and squeezes for the first time (him initiating all the action ~ i'm not an initiator but am an equal participartor so to say), I ask him how long he has been single for, and he tells me 4-5months and asks me the same question... I say the same (the truth)... we head off to the cinema hand in hand, and come 6pm when we get back, I tease him that he's going to turn into a pumpkin if I stay much longer. He quells all the chiding by making out some more on the couch, I observe that that type of making-out is quite frustrating (it is!), he asks if I want to go through to the bedroom and "get serious". I decline emphatically. We make and eat dinner together over a glass or two of wine, he tries to convince me to stay, but I head home at 10.30pm.

 

I saw him on Wednesday (went to see a play) & Thursday (yesterday watching videos), where more of this convivial very physical interaction goes on, but he's still shipping me in and out, with excuses like, he has to go to the gym (now I go to the gym and I've taken him to my gym so there's no reason why we shouldn't go to the gym together...).

 

All this time, we're having all the normal conversations you have when you start dating someone, and the future between the two of us looks rosy.

 

Well I gave this some thought (the holiday), but decided that however much I like him and he evidently likes me and we appear to be a good fit, going away so soon together probably isn't a good idea. So I suggested I drove him to the airport (this seemed to make him happy) and since its a morning flight and a 1hr 30min drive to the airport, I suggest well maybe it would make sense for me to stay over (as long as he didn't spend all night molesting me ~ which is probably a little unrealistic given the strong chemistry between the two of us, but hey I'm not about to go all the way with a guy who's off on holiday for two weeks), this also seems to make him happy, but I check again with him that he was happy about it, just for sure.

 

But guess what? He has to go to the gym and he kicks me out onto the M25 at the peak of rush-hour (again). I do point this out (its peak rush hour) and he does apologise, but hey I'm still going home in the middle of rush hour. At this point I've seen him every day this week, and he's now soliciting me to catch up with the following day (Friday). Basically he's now tying up all my week, and I don't know if I want to see him for the 5th day on the trot, so I suggest I will call him when I get out the gym. He suggests that I text him. I say I will call him, and that he needs to get used to talking to me on the phone (he's suggesting he doesn't like using the phone in the evenings because he uses the phone all day at work). So I call him and the phone is switched off. I leave a message saying I will call him in the morning, and call him at 9am... the phone is still switched off.

 

He eventually returns my call at 9.45am, I explain that I am babysitting that day, but (surprise, surprise, he's got an excuse for not meeting me in the evening), so we can't meet up, and then he tells me that he wanted to see me today because we need to talk... he doesn't think that Monday's a good idea. (Fair enough, but why didn't he say that the previous night?). I ask him when we are going to talk and why not talk there and now, and he explains that he has a few things to tie off before things should go any further between the two of us. I ask him to elaborate on what precisely he needs to tie up, and he admits that he's got a relationship to exit out of. He explains that he should have sorted this out the week before, but he doesn't like confrontations. I thought he thought we were having a confrontation (I was calm as a daisy throughout), but it turned out that he meant the confrontation he needs to have in the relationships that he needs to tie up, but that he can't get out of the situation before Monday, so staying over on Monday isn't a good idea. Then he quips in that this solo vacation will give him time to think.

 

Which means that he's not going to get out of this before he goes off on vacation on Tuesday for 10 days, and then he's only back for 10 days before he is off on this expensive Christmas & New Year vacation (with whoever it is he that is the other side of this relationship he needs to tie up).

 

OK... well no great shakes here, if he'd been up front and honest about this all along, because then I wouldn't have reciprocated any intimacy. But he's mislead me that he is single for nearly 2 months whilst we were "day-time" dating, and he's evidently been blatently lying to me. I ask a few more questions. Suggest we time out and that he calls me over the weekend. He suggests if I need any suggestions for entertaining my babysitting charge to give him a call. We get off the phone.

 

So this is the scenario... on the positive side he's been up-front at last, with my best interest at heart, but ultimately he's been leading me up the garden path & lying to me, and I seriously doubt he's going to do anything about tying up the "loose ends" before his Christmas & New Year holiday, which means that this is going to take minimum 6 weeks or more. I figure if I'm prepared to wait that long, I'll could wind-up waiting forever.

 

Of course I would make sense to go talk with the guy, but what's the point in talking with a guy who I can't trust that he isn't lying?

 

I think he's in a difficult position... but if I hang out until the New Year, I will submit to a quagmire / love triangle and all I will be doing is swelling this guys ego. And even then, even if he does tidy up this loose end, there's gross duplicity to get over.

 

So I think the only logical conclusion is for me to bounce... even though I'm dead sweet on the guy.

 

Is that the right call?

 

All perspectives, wisdom & advice gratefully received!

 

Katabel

[LadyX]

I'm not even involved in the relationship, and it's already worn me out!

It sounds fishy to me. Keep your eyes wide open.