2 years since I found out..

[eeyore1981]

I know what you mean about slipping through for a short time. It's only been a few months for me not 2 years like you.

 

I'd be in your shoes right now if there hadn't been changes. We are having major behavioral issues with our 10 yr old and had to admit him for help.

 

A few months ago he would have put the blame completely on me and criticized my parenting all the while stepping back and not dealing with it making me handle it all. He's always sidestepped discipline to a degree b/c he didn't want to deal with it. Thought I should be able to handle the kids myself if they were out of line.

 

My H is really trying and has made some huge progress in the way he treats me and the kids, how he deals with family issues, and the things that used to set him off or shut him down he's don't bother him anymore. I talked to him a little about the changes. He told me he's an a$$*()& and realizes what he has in front of him and that life is not all about him.

 

This is a side I've never, ever seen. It's scary after so many years of the same, it will take time to get used to this. I hope it stays this way.

 

My husband has made huge progress as well, which makes me even sadder.

I just had some things that had to take place if we were to be able to get through this, non-negotiable, and I guess he thinks this is some kind of game or something. It's not. My pain is very real.

I remember how it hurt, not just emotionally, but physically, when I first found out. He could have used that time to lay it all out, but he chose not to. That pain starts to dull, and whammo, I get hit with it again, and again, every time I end up finding out more, every time I catch him in a lie. The last 6 months or so, it doesn't hit as hard, but it still hurts, and it still makes me nauseous. It's not pretty, and I just can't believe someone could really love me and yet have no problem doing that to me so many times, and for what?

[mnm]

I feel bad for you and scared for myself. I think I'm going to have to lay it on the line for him and say hey this is what I need if you can't do it there is no chance for us.

 

If I let it fester for as long as you have, I'll be in the same boat. Better find out what he's made of earlier than later.

 

I know what it feels like to have put your entire heart and soul into someone and then have it ripped apart.

 

Stay strong, maybe he'll come around. If not he's not worth it.

[eeyore1981]

I went riding for hours with my BIL tonight, and it helped a little bit. Riding is the only time I feel free.

 

This decision really hurts. I am stunned how much it hurts. I guess I thought I was getting numb by now. Most of the time I believe I am going to eventually be okay, but when it hits like it is now, I can feel the doubts creeping in.

 

When we aren't fighting about affair and all the lies he tells, we have been very close and very happy. But to make that happen, I have to twist my mind in knots to block out the unpleasantness, and eventually it builds up until I can't hold it in anymore. I can't keep doing this. It is having many negative manifestations, lots of stomach problems, depression, self-isolation. I just can't keep doing this to myself.

 

I do love him, I love him so much. All the way to 3 days ago, if he would have stopped lying to me, I would still be trying, but dammit, I have no trust in him, after two effing years, if anything, the trust deteriorated instead of getting stronger, because he lied and he lied and he lied and he is STILL lying. Why doesn't he care? It's too late now. I don't think I would ever believe him again, no matter what he says.

[eeyore1981]

I feel bad for you and scared for myself. I think I'm going to have to lay it on the line for him and say hey this is what I need if you can't do it there is no chance for us.

 

If I let it fester for as long as you have, I'll be in the same boat. Better find out what he's made of earlier than later.

 

I know what it feels like to have put your entire heart and soul into someone and then have it ripped apart.

 

Stay strong, maybe he'll come around. If not he's not worth it.

 

I wish you the best of luck. Tell your husband about me. Tell him I said I love my husband so much, and I wanted so much to forgive him and move on with him and have a great marriage, but he never gave me the chance.

[mnm]

I've done a lot of thinking since your last post last night. It sounds like our H's are very similiar.

 

The avoidance of anything unpleasant is his MO. Again comes from family.

 

Here's the kicker, his family are compulsive liars. Never tell the truth, make up stories, never deal with issues. This has been engrained in him since childhood. The thing is is that he's has NEVER been made to own up to the truth. If he lied or stretched the truth, no one has called him out on it. They just ignored it, it was easier. He's lied to me a few times and I called him out on it nothing major not like this.

 

Here's how I'm going to approach it. He needs to own up the whole truth and nothing but. He's never been forced to do it in any part of his life. I think it would be a healing process for him as well b/c he never has had to do it. And while the truth hurts, its better that its in the open instead of locked inside. He keeps EVERYTHING locked up. He hates it when his dad lies and makes up stories. I'll bring that up.

 

This will be the hardest truth he will ever have to face/tell. If he can be totally honest with me with the knowledge that I'm still committed to the marriage and him it will go a long way in his recovery/intimacy issues. If he can see that I'm still here despite what he says, it will help.

 

I think he's scared of letting it all out afraid I'll leave. His biggest fear is that I don't love him.

 

I do love him very much. He's a good man with a great heart, but until total disclosure, not half truths are out, I'm not going to heal nor will he.

 

We don't argue over it, I don't throw it in his face, we have talked a lot. He's remorseful, guilty, and wants things to work out.

 

Do you think if you would have laid it on the line like that a year and half ago that it would have made a difference?

 

At first I didn't want to know or need to know the whole thing, but when stories change and I think back on stuff I now remember, I need to know.

[eeyore1981]

mnm,

Our husbands do sound a lot alike, right down to his mother vs. yours father being compulsive liars. I hope they are different enough for you story to have a different ending than mine.

 

I will try to not make this too long, but don't know if I can.

 

My husband doesn't just lie. He manipulates, he backtracks, and he does something I have no label for, which I will address first.

 

He claimed they were nothing more than friends, which I knew was a lie. When I tried to address any of the issues with him, he played stupid. I spent hours upon hours in discussion with him, basically explaining in the most excrutiatingly minute detail the difference between feelings for a friend vs. romantic feelings. He pretended to not understand. This is just one instance that I got sucked into, and it took me months and months to realize what he was doing, and even then, it took hyper awareness on my part to resist being sucked into it even more. When I can step back, the ridiculousness of it is appalling.

I asked him if his intent was to have sex with her. He said no. I said, then why did you do A, B, C, D and E? I don't know, he says. I continued on, telling him this is what it looks like, and if that isn't what it was, then I needed another explanation that made sense so I could stop thinking this. His rationalization for this was, "I wasn't trying to have sex with her. I never went over to her house and beat her door down." I told him that wasn't trying to have sex, that would be trying to commit sexual assault and rape. He also couldn't have been trying to have sex with her because he never told her, "I want to f you" and 'he never tried to get her to go to a motel', these are just a few of his explanations for just this one thing. Well, guess what. It was maybe 4 months ago, that would be 20 months after d-day, he finally admitted he wanted to have sex with her.

 

I told him at the very beginning when we decided to work it out I needed full disclosure. He lied. I don't know how many times after that I would catch him in a lie, and I would sit him down, look him straight in the eye and explain to him as calmly and gently as I could if we were to make this marriage work, we were going to have to repair the trust that was broken, and in order to do that, he was going to have to do full disclosure. I would explain how much pain I was currently in, sometimes I would even be crying, and I would tell him to please, please, tell me everything now. I am already hurting, please don't do this to me anymore. Let's just get this all out, right now, let me deal with it, please let me get over this pain, and let us move on. He would look at me so sincerely and swear there was nothing more, I knew everything there was to know, he was through lying, etc. and then eventually I would find another lie. These weren't lies about inconsequential stuff, these were about the nature of the relationship.

Did they talk on the phone? Just a few times. LIE

Did they email? No. LIE

Did he honor NC? Yes. LIE

Did he hook up with her? No ??

Did he try to hook up with her? No. LIE

Did he want to have sex with her? No. LIE

Did he have sex with her? No. ??

Did he have romantic feelings for her? No. LIE

Did he love her? No. ???

 

Every one of these admissions was obtained at a very high cost to me. Not one of them was volunteered willingly.

 

The backtracking. Again, this is just one example of too many to count.

 

My daughter figured it out a day or two before he spilled to me. That is actually why he spilled, he thought she told me. I didn't find this out for a while, and then it was because my daughter told me. This happened during the time period he was still maintaining the A was not an A, it was only an innocent friendship.

I asked him if he told her not to tell me. No. That was a lie. Then he said he did. Then he said after thinking about it, he didn't. Then he again said he did. I referred to this in MC, trying to make the point of why would he ask my daughter to cover up an innocent friendship, then he said, in MC, he wouldn't have done that, so no, he didn't. The rest of MC was spent debating if he said it or not. When we left, I was furious, and asked if he really wanted me to drag our daughter into this mess to confirm he did indeed tell her not to say anything, and he finally admitted that yes, he did tell her not to tell me. This is also why I terminated MC and made the condition he go to IC to deal with why he acted this way, this is pretty much what every session was like, so it was going nowhere.

 

The manipulation: One example.

He said he thought about taking her to dinner after we got divorced. I said, "You said you wanted to take her out after we got divorced." "No, I didn't say that." "Yes, you did." "No, I said I thought about taking her to dinner." "That's taking her out." "No, it's not." "Yes, it is." "Well, I didn't say I wanted to, I said I thought about it." "It's the same thing." "No, it isn't." "Okay, then please tell me what the difference is, because I don't see it." "There's a difference between wanting to take someone to dinner and thinking about it." "Okay, again, what is it?" "Because I didn't ask her to dinner, I just thought about it." "You said after we got divorced, we didn't get divorced yet. You're still not explaining the difference." "You are just twisting my words, you know what I mean, but you take what I say and just twist it around to say what you want me to have said, and this is why I don't want to talk to you about this."

 

Can you see how much fun I have been having?

[2sure]

Ive had that conversation with my H. Not as much this time as last time.

Because like you, I recognized the fruitless manipulation. Like you, I get mad at myself for both participating in my own manipulation AND for doing the same thing but getting my hopes up for different results.

 

So, I stopped. I stopped because I was on my knees and felt like this time was different. I felt like this time, I didnt need the truth to save my marriage, not so I could forgive him....This time I needed the truth FROM him so that I could move on, close this issue in my soul, live with myself, know I wasnt crazy. I needed it for ME. I was on my knees this time.

 

He couldnt do it. Couldnt say the words. I knew all the truth so I didnt have any questions I didnt have answers to. He knew I had all this. What I needed, to feel that my whole life with him has not been a lie...was for him to say the words. For him to show me that he was CAPABLE of owning the truth and saying the words. This last thing. For ME. I needed that.

 

He just doesnt have what it takes.

[mnm]

Wow, that's all I can say. Don't apologize for going on, it helps. I do it too .

 

Mine isn't quite as severe as yours I don't think. I didn't beg for details, did not want them at the time. Do now.

 

My kids found out before I did (officially) about a month before and they kept it from me b/c they didnt' think I would believe them.

 

He started out too saying it was just friendship. Said the pics she sent was from a bar w/ her friends. Said he told her it was inappropriate. The pics were from her bedroom. I'm not stupid!

 

Then the blame started, if you hadn't this or if you'd look at yourself, you'd know why.

 

Finally admitted it was more than friends, had phone sex, after I found texts. But no physical contact so he said. Told me it was over. It wasnt. Went on for about a month after i found out all the while he's telling me how much he loves me and we will get back to the way we were. Kept finding texts. I learned to be sneaky.

 

I found the phone bill after he ended it. He ignored her texts for about two weeks before he sent her a final one that said it was done. I left and then kicked him out for a day.

 

Here's what I know for sure: She's married, they knew each other from school, and they had an EA.

 

We talked said he was soo sorry for what happened he wants to move forward, which is what we are doing.

 

I asked him the other night to be honest w/ me. Told me she's having an affair w/ her H's sister that she's gay. That they understood each other. It was someone to talk to. Said he wasn't physically attracted to her and there was never going to be anything physical.

 

Here's what I read/was told/have witnesses to: They were sending pics back and forth. Not naked, but indecent. (IF she's gay why would she be doing this?) They were sexting. They spent time together, the first idea something was going on was when he came home and his shirt was inside out. He was supposed to be out with one of his best friends meeting up with out of town friends that came in for the holiday. He wasn't with his friend b/c my H's friend's niece was staying over and called her uncle. Found the VM from friend asking what was up. Spent two mondays after bowling league and the bar at our neighbors, she was there after the bar didnt stay the night, but he was in our neighbors bed asleep the one night and passed out on the couch the 2nd night. Said he was going to watch something at friends house that didn't start till late, left at 10 a.m. Was in stress center in January, kids were with relatives, he wasn't home and couldn't be reached. Found out that one of credit card bills is way maxed, can't find the old records and i'm not on the bill so I can;t check, Found my sweater in the back of the car with a stain on it, it wasnt snot. He was in my office with her until 4 a.m. some stuff was messed up.

 

Texts I found from him were "I need you, want you miss you" the responses were sexual. We were spending time together when I found this. There were references to finding hotel rooms, that sounds nice spending the rest of our lives together (from her), and he said that his friend wanted him to go out of town for a UFC fight (same friend as above) on Valentines Day. I put my foot down, we ended up spending it together, but they were texting, I found some of hers, she put her H in jail that nite.

 

OK, so tell me, do I need to find the truth? I think so!!!! I need to know everything at this point. I keep remembering things and when he told me she was gay, its a crock!!! You cant text someone thousands of times and talk hours the way they did if she was.

 

I need closure on this b/c the bs is getting annoying!!!

[eeyore1981]

Ive had that conversation with my H. Not as much this time as last time.

Because like you, I recognized the fruitless manipulation. Like you, I get mad at myself for both participating in my own manipulation AND for doing the same thing but getting my hopes up for different results.

 

So, I stopped. I stopped because I was on my knees and felt like this time was different. I felt like this time, I didnt need the truth to save my marriage, not so I could forgive him....This time I needed the truth FROM him so that I could move on, close this issue in my soul, live with myself, know I wasnt crazy. I needed it for ME. I was on my knees this time.

 

He couldnt do it. Couldnt say the words. I knew all the truth so I didnt have any questions I didnt have answers to. He knew I had all this. What I needed, to feel that my whole life with him has not been a lie...was for him to say the words. For him to show me that he was CAPABLE of owning the truth and saying the words. This last thing. For ME. I needed that.

 

He just doesnt have what it takes.

 

So having been through this, you know what I posted just barely scratches the surface of what actually took place. I wish I had recorded even just one of these stupid conversations and could put it in writing exactly how it happened. I also wish it had occured to me during all those months of 'trying to help him understand' the difference between feelings for a friend, and romantic feelings, I had accused him of being gay. Humor is very important to me, and I can see it now.

OMG, that's why this marriage has been so bad, you are gay!

No, I'm not. Why would you say that?

Well, the only reason you wouldn't be able to tell the difference between what you feel for a lover vs. a friend is because you are lusting after all these men, and are too ashamed to admit it to yourself. That even explains why your skank looks like a man with a bad wig, OMG! Wait until I tell everyone!

 

I would have really enjoyed the last 24 months so much more if this is what we had been arguing about. Oh, well.

[Spark1111]

Eeyore, you sound angry and bitter and I empathize with you.

 

Some men are NOT capable of self-examination. Their egos are too weak.

 

Find a great marriage counselor. Commit for three months. He HAS to attend.

 

You will not get all the answers you need. But you may get enough. Then, make your decision.

[eeyore1981]

MNM,

I completely understand the need you have for the truth. I have it myself.

We have talked about his needs, his needs that weren't being met by me, his needs that were being met by her, he needed this, he needed that, blah blah blah.

My needs never get addressed. My needs weren't being met for years, and when I would try to discuss them with him, he wasn't interested. My needs aren't being met now. His need to lie is more important to him than my need to be told the truth, and apparently more important to him than our marriage. Nothing I can do about that.

I'm not trying to dissuade you from going after the truth, I just am trying to tell you how much you need it may not have any bearing on you getting it.

[mnm]

I know. The thing is is that we both weren't meeting each other needs and acknowledged that to each other. A plus.

 

I can't fully get past it and move forward until he has full disclosure. Why? He needs to be honest for once in his life and not skate around the issues like he always has. If doesnt with this, how can we grow as a couple. It won't work. We will still both be afraid to open up and discuss major and minor things with each other.

[eeyore1981]

Yeah, we weren't meeting each other's needs, either, but his were unreasonable.

For example, for years he ignored me most of the time. It was like there was a list, and I was on the bottom. 2 years before his affair, he pushed me too far. He did a horrible thing to me. When confronted, he minimized it and outright lied. He refused to acknowledge what he had done. I was angry, and this time I didn't just choke it down. I started treating him like he was treating me. I just had no interest anymore in trying to keep a marriage going with an @sshole. My goal at that time was to just hang in there until our last kid graduated HS.

And there you have it, he can treat me like garbage, but when I return the favor, it is an outrage.

His idea of marriage most of the time was of unconditional love, support, nurturing, and sacrifice, but only me to him, not the other way around. The proof of that was the day I quit working on the marriage, it fell apart.

[mnm]

I've done a lot of thinking on my M. At first he was very selfish did what he wanted when he wanted. Even when we had kids. We were'nt his priority unless it was convenient. Then he changed. Started staying home more being more involved. We started a business together and for most of that time we were extremely close. Worked together all day, had a great relationship, took trips, spent time together. He would still keep stress in, but I was able to pull it out of him. I wasnt afraid of his reaction.

 

Then I got pregnant w/ our 3rd unexpectedly. I had horrible hormones. After the baby was born, I took 3 mos off at his insistance. We were doing great. He was the most intune father ever. Not like the other two where it is all my responsibility. AFter I got back to work, he had a small breakdown, then a few months later he blew his knee out. At the beginning of last year he stepped down from his management position and he went downhill from there. He distanced himself from us b/c he felt unworthy and lost. I was having issues with stuff too. I finally got tired of dealing with it all, making money, the kids, house all of it, so I quit trying. We stopped trying. We stopped doing things together, going out, having fun, just stuck in the house all the time and not connecting.

 

We had some really great times some great closeness in the 14 yrs together.

 

I guess I can analyze what went wrong, we both can that's why we I want to make it work. We can, we got off track, mistakes were made and we're working on making it better. Except for the disclosure, which I think I may get at some point. We don't argue we stick together with the kids, and I'm told everyday how much I mean to him.

 

We'll see how it goes.

[eeyore1981]

I just don't know what else to do. For a minute or two, all I can think of is why doesn't he try? Does it really have to be this way? Then I regain my sanity and remember what has led us to where we are now. This really hurts now, but it has been hurting anyway. It's probably going to get worse, but then it will start getting better. If I stay, it is just going to slowly get worse and worse, with no end in sight. Is this even hurting him? I don't know. I think it probably is, but he is capable of such coldness, I can't even be sure of that much. I can't believe for a minute though it is hurting him anywhere near how it is hurting me, because he is the one who has always had the power to help this heal. Jerk.

[silverfish]

Hey you guys. i just wanted to say...I've been on here for a while and I have not had it in me to tell my story on here - maybe I never will. Just want to say to eeyore...so many similarities....even read on your other thread about a business together?

 

Anyway, I read your story and I find so many similarities to yours. It's sort of strange to read it actually. I left my ex 18 months ago. Moved out, got my own place, sold the business (in that order).

 

I did the right thing, i know that. But I don't know (really) if it will ever be over. It's like the essence of men in one man for me - so if i don't get him will I ever get men - any man ?

[eeyore1981]

Hey you guys. i just wanted to say...I've been on here for a while and I have not had it in me to tell my story on here - maybe I never will. Just want to say to eeyore...so many similarities....even read on your other thread about a business together?

 

Anyway, I read your story and I find so many similarities to yours. It's sort of strange to read it actually. I left my ex 18 months ago. Moved out, got my own place, sold the business (in that order).

 

I did the right thing, i know that. But I don't know (really) if it will ever be over. It's like the essence of men in one man for me - so if i don't get him will I ever get men - any man ?

 

Silverfish, there are so many men in the world, and just like women, they come in different sizes, shapes, and colors.

I'll be the first to admit the thought crosses my mind from time to time that men are @ssholes, but I really love men.

I have several friends that are men. I spent a lot of time today with 2 of them, and even in the midst of my marriage ending, I was able to have a blast. We played golf in the rain and drove the carts around like maniacs.

I've been with only my husband for way over half my life, and even as big of a jerk as he has turned out to be, I confess I did love being with him, being touched, intimacy, etc. (During the good times..) Hey, that is probably one of the reasons this divorce is so hard, it is probably going to be a while before I am in the arms of a man again, and that sounds pretty lonely. Ha, I'll probably end up being a slut for a while when I get settled in. Sigh...

I know nothing. I am a few days into telling my husband to find another place to live. I'm probably crazy, who knows. But the BBM part of your post really makes me so sad.

[mnm]

I just don't know what else to do. For a minute or two, all I can think of is why doesn't he try? Does it really have to be this way? Then I regain my sanity and remember what has led us to where we are now. This really hurts now, but it has been hurting anyway. It's probably going to get worse, but then it will start getting better. If I stay, it is just going to slowly get worse and worse, with no end in sight. Is this even hurting him? I don't know. I think it probably is, but he is capable of such coldness, I can't even be sure of that much. I can't believe for a minute though it is hurting him anywhere near how it is hurting me, because he is the one who has always had the power to help this heal. Jerk.

 

Hon, again, our H's sound similar. I bet you anything he's hurting as much as you, but not able/wont express it and if he has emotional intimacy issues (obviously), he probably expected you to leave anyways A or no A. These types are a tough nut to crack, but some do eventually. I can guarantee he's hurting and I bet he will be trying to beg you back especially when he sees how serious you are, then you hold all the cards.

 

Men like this have a protective shield around them and they're stubborn and hardheaded b/c they think that's the only way to save themselves from pain. The I don't care attitude, but deep down they're the most insecure low self esteem people. He won't truly get it (maybe never) unless you follow through, that will be an eye opener for him. I don't think he's as cold hearted as what he appears (I don't know him, just from what you've told me).

 

Coldness is a defensive mechanism a way to protect themselves. How was his childhood? I'm not trying to be a therapist, but being in this position myself, I have done a ton of research.

 

Let me know what's going on. I've been thinking of you.

 

We had to readmit my 10 yr old son last night to a childrens unit for behavior issues, he attacked me 4 times last night and raised a fist at his dad. When I got home, my H pulled me close, told me how sorry he was for EVERYTHING, and said we're in this for the long haul. I believe I will get full disclosure at some point, but just the fact that he's not blaming me (like he used to) and taking responsibility for my pain and for our son's problems is huge.

 

There maybe hope yet.

 

Stick to your guns. If he loves you, he'll come around eventually, and maybe it will be too late, but it may make him grow up too. He's just too caught up in the drama of "how could she", and "who gives a sh**" right now.

[mnm]

Hey you guys. i just wanted to say...I've been on here for a while and I have not had it in me to tell my story on here - maybe I never will. Just want to say to eeyore...so many similarities....even read on your other thread about a business together?

 

Anyway, I read your story and I find so many similarities to yours. It's sort of strange to read it actually. I left my ex 18 months ago. Moved out, got my own place, sold the business (in that order).

 

I did the right thing, i know that. But I don't know (really) if it will ever be over. It's like the essence of men in one man for me - so if i don't get him will I ever get men - any man ?

 

 

Silverfish:

 

When I found out about the A and for a few months after I went through the same thing. Here's the truth: You will find someone else, if he wasn't worth staying for someone else out there is. Give yourself time to heal, get to know yourself and what your needs and wants are, then start looking. Don't jump into anything too sudden b/c you may fall back into the same type of guy. If you haven't tried IC, do it. IF you can't get all the self help books possible. Before you can enter a healthy relationship, you have to be healthy. There are plenty of good men out there, it just may take a while. Good LUck.

[eeyore1981]

MNM,

You are so right about our situations being so similar, right down to the child with behavorial problems. Keep hanging in there, there is hope. We suffered through many years of horrible times I don't even want to think about, but today my daughter is an adult and doing very well. She is working full-time and also in college. I am very proud of how far she has come. We are also very close, something I would have never believed possible a few years ago.

 

I read a lot in here last night and did a lot of thinking. I tried to talk to my husband this morning, what a joke. I am about to send him an email, so he can have it in black and white to look at any time he wants. Probably more wasted effort, but oh, well.

[mnm]

How long have you been separated? I can't remember. Not very long as I can recall. With men like this they need more than a day, week or even a month for it to sink in. Right now he's lashing at you b/c u left and he's angry and confused and probably scared (won't admit to that one). I got the same thing everytime I walked out the door. My fault, get over it, see what you're doing to the kids, blah blah blah. Not looking at himself and seeing what he did was causing it. He does now.

 

THanks for the encouragement with my son. Do you ever wonder that maybe b/c of the H's selfcenteredness played a part in the behavior? They see one parent blow off the other, don't show them priority, undermine your authority, etc. I tend to think so a little bit. My H has come out of it and has truly stepped up to the plate.

 

I read your apology to some members and that was very big of you. I also had problems letting my anger get in the way. It still does at times. I get so wrapped up in what happened I forget to look at what progress we/he made. After a lot of research and this site, I got a better insight into who my H is and why and also how to better handle him.

[eeyore1981]

How long have you been separated? I can't remember. Not very long as I can recall. With men like this they need more than a day, week or even a month for it to sink in. Right now he's lashing at you b/c u left and he's angry and confused and probably scared (won't admit to that one). I got the same thing everytime I walked out the door. My fault, get over it, see what you're doing to the kids, blah blah blah. Not looking at himself and seeing what he did was causing it. He does now.

 

THanks for the encouragement with my son. Do you ever wonder that maybe b/c of the H's selfcenteredness played a part in the behavior? They see one parent blow off the other, don't show them priority, undermine your authority, etc. I tend to think so a little bit. My H has come out of it and has truly stepped up to the plate.

 

I read your apology to some members and that was very big of you. I also had problems letting my anger get in the way. It still does at times. I get so wrapped up in what happened I forget to look at what progress we/he made. After a lot of research and this site, I got a better insight into who my H is and why and also how to better handle him.

 

My daughter is bi-polar. I'm sure all that was going on didn't help. In fact, a lot of the fighting we were doing was over our daughter, and that is what led to the circumstances that led to the affair. My agenda was to help her get better, H's agenda was to be the good guy. He risked, time and again, our daughter's mental well-being and future just to avoid conflict.

[eeyore1981]

How long have you been separated?

 

Sorry, I forgot to answer this part. We aren't actually separated yet. I told him I wanted him to find somewhere else to live, but he hasn't yet. I do think he has looked, but we live in a very small town, and available space is few and far between. I've even thought about moving into our travel trailor until he finds a place, because it is way too hard for me to be in the same house with him. I'm the one pushing for the divorce, but that isn't because I wanted our marriage to end, it is only because I am out of options of what else to do to begin the healing process.

[eeyore1981]

Sorry, I'm not trying to beat you up here at all...but do you think you have any culpability here since his actions were making you angry and you didn't communicate that to him? I think, from what I've read, your H is a jerk for the most part. But I also read that you're angry for things that have happened when you didn't necessarily take an active role to try to correct.

 

Like treating him like he's treated you for a year prior to the A. If you sat down and told him how he was making you feel, and he did nothing to correct it, is taking a PA role to try to get him to see a healthy thing for you? I think not.

 

In your healing journey, please explore boundaries and effective communication. Again, not being snarky, but from what I read, those are a couple of areas that would help you a lot - help you get what you want and deserve from other people...help you have more respect for yourself.

 

BBM

I understand how it would look that way, only knowing bits and pieces of what happened.

We've been together almost 26 years. So, I haven't had this exact personality and exact reactions for all this time. It has been a growing process for me.

I have had a lot of problems. As I have recognized them, I have taken action to do what I could to fix them. I have gone into therapy on several occasions to deal with my issues if I tried and couldn't fix them on my own. Basically, I spent a few years of adulthood feeling the universe was out to get me, then had my eyes opened by behavior of others, where I realized in a lot of cases, it was ME, not the universe. I chose to do something about it.

Sometimes I have been so angry about something I have lost my temper and we have had a big fight, sometimes I have left to get my anger under control and deal with it, but by and large my response to problems in our marriage has been to try to sit down, explain my feelings, let him explain his, and try to find a workable solution for both of us. His response for the most part is to ignore what I am saying, lie to avoid conflict, blow me off, and pretend like all is well.

The treating him like he treated me was not a PA thing to make him see the error of his ways. It was, I am sick of you, I am sick of being treated like crap, I am no longer willing to give and give and give and get so little in return. I am no longer willing to treat you any better than you treat me. Let's just get through this, try to be there for our kids, and part ways when we get them raised. Yes, I could have left, but I would not live here, I would move far away, and so I decided to suck it up as best as I could to not take my children so far away from their daddy. I was willing to put off what I wanted long enough to not make my kids suffer for what was not any of their doing. And yes, even in hindsight, I believe I did the right thing by them.

[silverfish]

Hi & thanks eeyore for what you said about men...I do know i am being ridiculous, but I think it's events of the last week sending me into confusion again. i shouldn't feel like that about men i know (I have 2 boys), I think it's just my negative frame of mind.

 

My ex has had a major family problem this week - his Mum is dying and he 'needs' me. He has never said he wants me back. He's still not saying that.

 

I am honestly feeling sick with guilt and have no idea what to do. Sorry I am going to post a thread because I need to decide what to do by tomorrow