2 years since I found out..

[eeyore1981]

Hey I totally get what you're saying. You made the decision you felt was best. It sounds like our M's were quite similar and I did a number of the things you did, so I'm not condeming, just offering my insight from a similar situation.

 

All I'm saying, and I had to learn this the HARD way, is that instead of being so angry at him for the years that he ignored you and you put in all the effort, etc., think about what you could have done differently. I know in my situation, I was totally at fault, not for his behavior, but for tolerating it and choosing to stay. I chose to waste those years. Was it a conscious choice of leave or waste? No, not really. But I knew that despite my pleading and discussing and all that, things were not getting better. I chose to keep pleading and discussing and jumping through HIS hoops so his behavior would change. He never jumped through MY hoops, but I liked to pretend that part didn't matter as much (until I couldn't ignore it anymore).

 

That's why I suggested earlier that you focus more on you now and not him. Learning boundaries, and how to effectively communicate them and honor them yourself is very liberating and an itegral part of the healing process.

 

I'm sorry if I was coming across as snarky, it was not directed towards you in any way. Believe me, I spend a lot of time wondering where I went wrong on this. I also spend as much time as possible trying to focus on other things, and enjoy my life. I believe today is going to happen whether I am miserable or happy, so I might as well be happy as much as possible. The kicker is I need to figure out long term happy plans, which requires me to actually keep thinking about all this stuff. I just don't know if I am in a good place right now to make reasonable, rational decisions.

[eeyore1981]

I emailed H yesterday after reading some things in here. I thought, maybe he is so afraid I can't/won't forgive him, that is why he keeps on lying to me. The email was basically about how I have been wanting to forgive him, if he would just give me the chance.

 

He emailed me back, and told me he loved me and wanted me to be happy, even if it meant without him.

 

This led to a very long conversation on the phone where he proceeded to play the same mind game crap he always does.

 

The way he says things ties my brain in knots. I remember 2 separate times in this talk where for a moment or two I blanked out on what I was even asking. It's like I start to short-circuit. I can't even accurately describe any of these conversations very well, even though I have an excellent memory, because they are so twisted and convoluted.

 

One part I remember, somewhat:

 

He said his thoughts were she was just a friend, but his actions were she was more than a friend. When I pressed him on this, friend, or more than friend, he kept trying to explain, I kept answering with friend or more than friend. He finally said more than friend, then went on to qualify it back into friend.

 

Again, it's been 2 years since I first found out about this, and this is where we are. This is his idea of trying to work our marriage out. I can't even get a definitive answer on this, how am I supposed to believe anything this man says to me?

 

Am I crazy? Am I making too much of this?

 

I am long past this even being about the affair anymore, I just want a STRAIGHT ANSWER.

[eeyore1981]

I am not sure what happened in his affair. I am split on whether or not it was a PA, based on what I know, not on what he has said. The irony is if it weren't for all the lying and all the bs, and basically all the effort he has put into keeping me in the dark, I would have a lot less suspicion they had sex. Now, I don't just wonder if he slept with her, I wonder if they had a threesome with her mother. ???????

[freestyle]

I think it might help you to hone your verbal sparring skills.From what you described regarding your phone conversation with him, it sounds like he was playing a sleight-of-hand game with the truth, changing his answers all the time. Typical gaslighting tactic.Also a tactic of a narcissistic abuser, denying they said something 2 minutes after the words have left their mouth.It`s a way to confuse you and leave you scratching your head, wondering wth just happened......................

 

One way to shut that down is to keep a little notebook handy, and actually keep a record of what they say.

 

Or ask them, "is that your final answer?"

 

Don`t allow him to mentally railroad you. If you ask a question, and he tries to change the subject, don`t respond to the diversion.repeat your question, repeatedly if need be.Firmly.

 

That`s one way to keep him from controlling the frame of your conversations.

 

Hang in there honey...................

[nvntr007]

eeyore, stop tormenting yourself and divorce the lousy MFer. Clearly, he has no respect or love for you. He has just been using you as a convenience. As you have already said yourself, he'd throw you to the lions for a f***ing can of Bud.

 

Think about another thing you spoke of in this thread---you wondered where you would be today if you had divorced the louse two years ago. That's not a lot of time. Do it NOW and, in no time, you'll be looking back at this black chapter in your life from a beautiful place, a future with promise, instead of despair.

[eeyore1981]

eeyore, stop tormenting yourself and divorce the lousy MFer. Clearly, he has no respect or love for you. He has just been using you as a convenience. As you have already said yourself, he'd throw you to the lions for a f***ing can of Bud.

 

Think about another thing you spoke of in this thread---you wondered where you would be today if you had divorced the louse two years ago. That's not a lot of time. Do it NOW and, in no time, you'll be looking back at this black chapter in your life from a beautiful place, a future with promise, instead of despair.

 

You are right. It sounds so easy, but for some reason, it hasn't been for me. I don't know what is holding me back, and I don't know why I keep trying.

 

I know I am so scared. I also am very deep in depression and don't know if this is a good time to be making life altering decisions. The only thing that makes sense to me about what I am going through is as long as I stay, I can change my mind and leave, but once I leave, it won't be as easy if I change my mind to come back.

 

I'm trying to find a therapist to make an appointment with. There's no one local to go to, and finding one on the internet is turning out to be harder than I thought. I'm looking at a 50 mile drive one way at minimum, but most of what is coming up is around 80+ miles away. Just more frustration to go along with everything else.

[seren]

In the early days after Dday the questions of the where and how were relentless. H answered most with sugar coating, reason, he was just so glad he was still in one piece and was still in our house and we were beginning to make sense of the A. As time went, the where questions ceased and the how could you and why started. The OW was irrelevant at this point as she was no longer a factor in our marriage, but the breaking of trust and my understaning of what our marriage had been was very relevant. I needed to understand this far more than anything. I had lots of I can't remembers, and so I explained that for every I can't remember, I pictured what I thought an A was and so that became the explanation for it all. H was all, no, no nothing like that - so what was it like, and so it went on. 9 months after Dday it just became tiresome and H had showed by his actions and how he was toward our M that he was desperate for us to be us again. I came to the conclusion that I couldn't change what had happened, that we could never be who I thought we were and whether I wanted this new H and new marriage - I did.

THEN, he told me something I didn't know, and hadn't imagined, he said it was eating him up and I had asked for total honesty so out it came. Nothing too major, but the trust issues just blew up big time, I came close to showing him the door. He didn't want to hurt me, I said I was basing our future on information I needed and that he really had no say in what I did or didn't know as I had a right to judge what was important as it was MY future life. It hurt, it damaged our reconciliation, but again and again he showed that he was remorseful. So, it all began again the questions, the how, why, where until the picture was full and I could finally say I am tired of it all. Did I love this new H? Was he different? Could our marriage survive and more importantly, did I want it to? truth is he has always been THE ONE for me and I couldn't imagine my life without him in it. Thing was, the A finally made him look at who he was and had become and he didn't like what he saw, so he had changed too, we both did and so did our marriage.

I wish the A hadn't been the thing to wake us up to what we had done to our M, but it was. Only you know if your M is worth it, if you can imagine life without H, but H has to know that no matter what, you need to know. I have some not so pretty pictures in my head of the sex stuff at times, but you know what? life is dammed good, not because of the A, but despite it.

[eeyore1981]

Thank you, Seren. A lot of what you said has been the same for me, but he still swears there was no sex, and he wasn't in love with her. If that is really true, then it is still a big deal, but what is the BIG EFFING DEAL, you know what I am saying? The logical conclusion would be that it really isn't true, but we have gone through many difficulties in the past that could have been minor bumps in the road, however, his behavior and attitude, his inability to see his part in whatever was wrong, made these minor bumps into major obstacles that hurt both of us way more than it should have.

I'm still trying to figure out what to do. This morning, I went into town and drove past rental properties listed in the paper. I found one I thought would work, and then drove around some more trying to make the call on it. I finally came home, and asked to speak with him. I explained to him again how I felt, and that his actions were pushing me to this. He finally gave me some straight answers. He has also agreed to go to MC. Now I need to find someone, which is a challenge all in itself.

I wish at this point I could just throw away all my bad feelings, but the affair hurt, and I don't feel I have been given much of a chance to deal with it. I also now have all the crap from the last 2 years to work through. He has pushed me so far away, I can't just run right back to him, because I am afraid there is more.

I do love him, and he isn't quite as bad as I have made him sound with all my ranting.

[whichwayisup]

deleted..sorry, wrong thread.

[seren]

I so know what you mean about bumps in the road - my H hardly ever used to accept responsibility. I took care of our finances, home, made decisions etc. I made myself into an accomodating person, and yet am a professional woman, responsible job, very assertive. I just wanted H to feel happy. When the A was out, this changed and I no longer adopt that role. It is now a partnership as well as a M. and we have a 25yr history so lots of accommodating behaviour to change, on both our parts.

My H said that he couldn't have sex with OW, fact is he tried and so that represented a desire for a physical act. I got passed the sex thing, well, sort of. It was the breaking of trust and lying that did it for me. Would it have been different with an EA? I really don't think so. Would I have believed him if he had said that is all it was? Well yes, reason being was that H had become lonely in our M, me too!! That of course hurts like hell, but it is what it is.

I think that if your marriage is basically stong and the foundations can take it, knock it all down and rebuild it, give it time and see if it can hold. if not, you will never look back years down the line and say I wish I had ... I know that any A is damaging, I never once thought to leave, just to try and work it out (I say just, but it has been hard). MC may help him to see that an EA is as damaging as a PA and without generalising, most men equate unfaithfulness with having a PA. Can you give it time and see where you stand after MC? I would also say to forget what was, what you thought your marriage was and try to look at what it could be - IF both you and H are committed to the hard work of rebuilding. I so recognise the headless chicken days of can I do this? how can I let someone do this to me? and the sick to pit of stomach times. I often look at H and see he is not the man he had become -OW could have had him gift wrapped, this H is different and so is our M, it had to be.

[mnm]

Serene:

 

I haven't been on in a few days and just catching up on the posts. Yours really sounds like mine. We both felt lonely, but he took action. It's hard to say that it took something like to make major changes, but that's what it took. My H is too remorseful, tells me how sorry he is which is huge. A few months ago, he was sorry...but. The longer the time passes, the more clearly we see things and since the intense emotions are waning, it's time to get some answers. I like what you said about the I don't knows, I don't remembers. I am going to use that. It's true. when they twist the truth, or aren't completely honest, it makes you think the worst.

 

He has really made changes since this. As you read, we're having huge problems w/ our son. He is supportive and we're 100% on the same page. A few months ago, he would have blamed me. I told him that the other night. He said he would never do that, I told him he always has...he was dead quiet and gave me a hug. It's weird that guys like this take it to the extreme, try to blame it on us, but something clicks and they realize its them.

 

Thanks serene for the advice its very good and insightful. I will try these things.

[mnm]

hope youre doing better eeyore! Havent been on been busy. Let me know how you're doing. Been thinking of you all weekend, just haven't had a chance to check in.

[mnm]

I so know what you mean about bumps in the road - my H hardly ever used to accept responsibility. I took care of our finances, home, made decisions etc. I made myself into an accomodating person, and yet am a professional woman, responsible job, very assertive. I just wanted H to feel happy. When the A was out, this changed and I no longer adopt that role. It is now a partnership as well as a M. and we have a 25yr history so lots of accommodating behaviour to change, on both our parts.

My H said that he couldn't have sex with OW, fact is he tried and so that represented a desire for a physical act. I got passed the sex thing, well, sort of. It was the breaking of trust and lying that did it for me. Would it have been different with an EA? I really don't think so. Would I have believed him if he had said that is all it was? Well yes, reason being was that H had become lonely in our M, me too!! That of course hurts like hell, but it is what it is.

I think that if your marriage is basically stong and the foundations can take it, knock it all down and rebuild it, give it time and see if it can hold. if not, you will never look back years down the line and say I wish I had ... I know that any A is damaging, I never once thought to leave, just to try and work it out (I say just, but it has been hard). MC may help him to see that an EA is as damaging as a PA and without generalising, most men equate unfaithfulness with having a PA. Can you give it time and see where you stand after MC? I would also say to forget what was, what you thought your marriage was and try to look at what it could be - IF both you and H are committed to the hard work of rebuilding. I so recognise the headless chicken days of can I do this? how can I let someone do this to me? and the sick to pit of stomach times. I often look at H and see he is not the man he had become -OW could have had him gift wrapped, this H is different and so is our M, it had to be.

 

 

I have never had the thought to leave either. He has always been the one for me and I for him. The thing I have realized especially with this site is to let go of the anger, the past can't be changed, and learning how to ask questions and get answers in a productive way. I haven't approached it yet, to be honest I'm scared of his reaction and timing hasn't been right. When I've asked things it was wrong time, we were angry, and I have a habit of just jumping him about stuff instead of leading him into conversation. The hurt and pain are lessening, his changes have helped that. All this advice and experiences on here have really given me tools to draw him out. I agree w/ eeyore I think my H and hers are scared if they open up completely we will never forgive them or leave them. That's not the case here. Again thank you for your sage advice and it is such an inspiration to see someone sooo happy after this happened and see that it can work out.

[eeyore1981]

I don't know how I am doing right now.

 

Yesterday I went out and drove around some places for rent. I found one I thought would work, then drove around some more trying to make the call on it. I came home, and talked with H again. He answered the questions I asked. He says he wasn't in love with her, and he says he didn't have sex with her. Is it the truth, I don't know.

 

It's hard to explain. When I first found out, after I had a few days for the shock to wear off, the thoughts he had slept with and been in love with her crossed my mind, but more or less fleetingly. It didn't feel right. The lying and evasiveness have made those thoughts stronger and stronger, but on some level, it still doesn't feel right. I will probably always wonder now if he is telling the truth or not, and it didn't have to be this way.

 

He has agreed to go to MC. I am hopeful we can get something out of it this time. Right now, I am so depressed, I don't feel like it is in my best interests to make any decisions, one way or the other. I am still tied up in knots, and afraid I'm never going to get through this misery.

[seren]

I read a post on Surviving Infidelity in the Healing Library called Letter to the Wayward Wife (just change genders) it speaks of the trying to piece it all together, like a jigsaw. We have an idea of what an A looks like to us, to make sense of it, and before we put it in a box we need the pieces. It speaks of the need for knowing for example - is there a tree in this picture, if so, what kind of tree, is there a sky, what colour is the sky (analogy, analogy) anyways it goes on to say that if there are no answers, we invent them and they aren't always the right trees or there are huge dark gaps and so the picture is incomplete and never gets put into the box. You really need to read it I am not doing it justice.

I showed this to H when he was sugar coating everything and doing the can't remember bit. It helped him loads. I stopped obsessively asking stuff and made sure to ask certain things and limit the amount of to ing and fro ing, it exhausted me. I asked everything, positions, what pants she wore you name it I asked it and it was answered and it all but killed me - but I wasn't naive to believe that it was just discussing the weather. I said that unless I had answers I would ask OW (I wouldn't have) and I needed H to respect me enough to spare me that. I said this is why and what I think, am I close, he would deny or affirm, I didn't blow up or shout, just inwardly curled up, but also supported H. To be honest he has been finding it harder to cope with guilt and remorse than I with the A. There really does come a point when you think screw this I am either drawing a line under this or I am going to learn from it and move along. At times it's like living outside myself and I long for the naive, me who believed in tweety birds, sparkly stuff love, but I will never be blindsided again. I rarely mention it, but if I am thinking something I talk about it and it stops festering. It is no longer about the OW, that ended ages ago, more about us. Sorry for the long ramble, I talk far too much !!

 

My son was 23 when he came home and heard Dday in it's entirety, I didn't know he was there and initially I was screaming like a banshee. I said did you hear all that he says yes - I say your dad needs a hug, it's mine and his argument and he loves you, my lovely boy hugged him, told him he acted like a dick but he loved him and he has never spoken to his dad about it since. Their relationship is intact.

[eeyore1981]

I read that a long time ago, and it describes a lot of how I feel. I'm pretty sure H read it too, for all the good it did.

 

When we talked yesterday, it only lasted an hour and a half, and I am the one who ended it. I know exactly what you mean about it being exhausting.

 

I tried to be supportive and understanding, for about the first 6 months. To hell with it after that. If that makes me a bad person, I can't help it, because I am not the one who had the affair, and I got d*mn tired of being the one bending over backwards to try to work this out.

I may have already said this, and if so, I apologize. When he asked me to work things out, I went into this with a preconcieved notion of what happened. I thought he started in with this woman because of all the trouble we were having, and he was being inappropriate with her and sneaking around behind my back and all that, but, while it flitted across my mind, I really, really didn't think he was in love with her, and I didn't think he had slept with her. My feelings at this time were hurt and anger, but also a lot of understanding about how this happened. Our problems were mostly caused by H, were dragged on and made worse by H, and with a little effort could have been fixed by H. I knew at this time H had never had the ability or inclination to clean up his own messes, and I also believed that is why he got involved with her in the first place, to get him to the point he could ask for a divorce. I actually felt sorry we had managed to drag our relationship so far down. I knew he had feelings for her, and I knew he was somewhat lusting after her. The evidence I have managed to get on my own seems to back up my original suspicions, but the lying and the mind games and the insanity of trying to discuss this, the sabatoge of the original MC, etc. is what turned my world upside down, has made me doubt everything I thought I knew, and why today I feel like my heart has said screw it, slammed the door, locked it, and thrown away the key. No matter how well I think I know him, I am having a very hard time getting past the "You have put me through so much for so long just to cover up this??? Really???"

 

I found a MC today and got the appointment made for Thursday. Looking it up and making the call almost sent me into an anxiety attack. I don't know how much damage has been done at this point.

[silverfish]

Can I just ask you - really because i don't understand my own actions / reactions....why after so much time has passed since the incident have you come to the point of leaving?

 

Myself - I didn't leave or ask him to leave at the time, it all came out a fair bit afterwards, and for me it was because the trust wasnt really rebuilt. I still don't know to this day what really happened, although I do know that what I imagined happened was worse (if that makes sense).

 

I posted on another thread that I left, and the mistakes I think I made, and one of the biggest was not telling him in black and white what my reasons were and what he needed to do to rectify the situation. In my defence, he never asked....

 

I had panic attacks for a few months after I left, and that made everything much harder to deal with because I was paranoid about everything by that point

[eeyore1981]

Can I just ask you - really because i don't understand my own actions / reactions....why after so much time has passed since the incident have you come to the point of leaving?

 

Myself - I didn't leave or ask him to leave at the time, it all came out a fair bit afterwards, and for me it was because the trust wasnt really rebuilt. I still don't know to this day what really happened, although I do know that what I imagined happened was worse (if that makes sense).

 

I posted on another thread that I left, and the mistakes I think I made, and one of the biggest was not telling him in black and white what my reasons were and what he needed to do to rectify the situation. In my defence, he never asked....

 

I had panic attacks for a few months after I left, and that made everything much harder to deal with because I was paranoid about everything by that point

 

BBM

 

Yes, that makes perfect sense, and the same thing I am going through. The reason I am at this point after so long is because it has been so long, and I deserve some straight answers and honesty. I trusted him more 2 months after I found out than I do now, and I am as sure as I can be he hasn't been cheating on me since right after I found out.

If he would actually admit something, the next time it came up he would take it back. He talked in circles, so trying to talk about this would take hours and hours, get nowhere, and then he would be angry. I was asking direct questions, he was the one trying to make it an olympic event. If I tried the stay on track approach, he would say he didn't know or he didn't remember. And every time we would make the tiniest progress, he would act like we were all done, and all was better.

But I love him, and he loves me. I don't know what misfiring is going on in his head to make him act like this. I am hoping we can figure this out in MC, because trying to leave him is killing me, and trying to stay is killing me. My mind, body and soul can't take this stress anymore.

[mnm]

I'm reading these posts and I look back on myself, it's been 7 months now, I never asked many questions. I was so heartbroken and sick and lost all my self worth respect and esteem. At that point, he would blame me for being upset. I was in such shock b/c I never thought this could happen to us I wasn't thinking clearly. Didn't even realize I needed answers or what to ask. I wanted to trust him again so bad and get back what we had before, I concentrated on that. I took what little information he gave me and believed it b/c I needed to at the time.

 

I never asked!!!! I see now that I should have forced the issue more.

 

Were any of you that lost you couldn't think straight couldn't look beyond making it better? Did it take time for you to realize you needed to ask?

 

I'm horrible at asking for what I need and want. I keep it all in. I don't want that with this b/c I fear if I don't get answers it will fester.

 

Unfortunately the timing is horrible right now. My H lost his job yesterday and our son just got home from the hospital for his behavior. We have a lot on our plates. It seems everytime we get a leg up something goes south. However, we are not going south, just life.

[mnm]

To be honest he has been finding it harder to cope with guilt and remorse than I with the A

 

Do you think maybe their tiptoeing around the truth b/c they feel so guilty and disgusted by their actions that they can't speak of it honestly? I'm not trying to make excuses, but serene's quote just gave me that idea. I think my H is so upset by his actions that why he wants it not brought up and talked about. What he doesn't realize is that confession is good for the soul.

[eeyore1981]

First of all, quit beating yourself up over this. It's called an affair because they sneak around and do it behind your back, if it was with your knowledge and consent it would be an open marriage.

 

Finding out the person you loved and trusted has betrayed you for most people is a devastating event. You did what you needed to do in the direct aftermath of that to survive, so did I.

 

It's hard to know what to do and how to handle what has happened. I thought I was ready to go. Sunday, I went house-hunting and ended up hunched over in my car, trying not to throw up. Apparently I'm not there yet.

 

I've been having a lot of confusion since then about what I am even doing. I don't know what the answers are, but I've got to find some way to happiness that works with the person I am. I'm trying to figure out how to get out of my own way.

[mnm]

I'm not trying to beat myself up. I know it was him not me. I used to say that if this ever happened I'd be gone so quick I'd do this and this. Don't know what you're going to do till it happens. Don't know what you are going to turn into until it happens. I was a raving lunatic for a few months. I would get so upset and just flip. I was trying to live through each day w/o losing my mind.

 

I just read the letter that serene mentioned. OMG that is it to a tee!!!! I actually copied it so I can show it to my H. It says what I'm feeling and saying more effectively than I can.

 

It sounds like you and your H really truly love each other. He is just going to have to understand what you need to make it work. Him agreeing to MC is a good sign. Hopefully he will stick with it for you.

 

I too have had thoughts of leaving, starting a new life, but I'm in this for the long haul and I'm going to fight for it.

 

Good luck! I know you're going through h##l and I think of you.

[eeyore1981]

Do you think maybe their tiptoeing around the truth b/c they feel so guilty and disgusted by their actions that they can't speak of it honestly? I'm not trying to make excuses, but serene's quote just gave me that idea. I think my H is so upset by his actions that why he wants it not brought up and talked about. What he doesn't realize is that confession is good for the soul.

 

I think it is possible. On Sunday when H and I talked, his behavior over telling me straight up he had had feelings for other woman and was trying to work it out to be with her, have sex with her, etc, was what I would expect from someone admitting to multiple homicides. Was this just an act? Maybe, but it doesn't fit with his personality, and he doesn't know what I am thinking.

 

There's also little things that I have ran over and over through my head of what they mean.

I had quit trying in our marriage about a year before the affair, and the affair lasted about a year.

He had asked me for a divorce a few days before I found out. I found out because I told him I didn't think I could continue to work with him. I felt like when he started seeing someone else, at which point he interrupted me and said, "She's just a friend." He says he thought I knew, but there's really nothing in what I was saying that implied I knew anything about her. My daughter found out several days before me, so maybe he thought she told me, but I'm not a subtle person, I would have been all up in his face the second I found out. So, did he really think I knew, or was asking for the divorce and then admitting to OW his way of getting me to 'save' him?

The texts were itemized, and I paid the bills. He never once did anything to prevent me from opening the phone bill and looking at it. I just never bothered to look at his portion. Had I ever looked at his part, he would have been busted then and there.

Was it a hot and heavy affair? There are only a few things about the affair that could possibly say yes. Most of the reasons I think it might have been have taken place after is was completely over.

H keeps a lot of things in, but there are still outward signs I am aware of when he is struggling. I haven't seen any of those, so I can't believe he ever even thought he was in love with her.

So I am confused. Either he was using her to get it on with every chance he got and has spent the last 2 years making my life hell to cover it up, or he started talking with her to make himself feel better, put out a few feelers for something more, but didn't make much effort to really go after it, and the last 2 years have been him feeling so guilty about it he is going to great lengths to keep from facing it, making my life a living hell as an unintended side effect. If it's the first, adios, amigo, but if it is the second, I feel like I owe it to myself to try to work through this.

[eeyore1981]

I'm not trying to beat myself up. I know it was him not me. I used to say that if this ever happened I'd be gone so quick I'd do this and this. Don't know what you're going to do till it happens. Don't know what you are going to turn into until it happens. I was a raving lunatic for a few months. I would get so upset and just flip. I was trying to live through each day w/o losing my mind.

 

I just read the letter that serene mentioned. OMG that is it to a tee!!!! I actually copied it so I can show it to my H. It says what I'm feeling and saying more effectively than I can.

 

It sounds like you and your H really truly love each other. He is just going to have to understand what you need to make it work. Him agreeing to MC is a good sign. Hopefully he will stick with it for you.

 

I too have had thoughts of leaving, starting a new life, but I'm in this for the long haul and I'm going to fight for it.

 

Good luck! I know you're going through h##l and I think of you.

 

I'm thinking of you, too, and hope things work out the way you wanted.

 

I wasn't saying you were beating yourself up about the affair, God, no! I'm talking about asking questions when you found out. Some people need to ask the questions, some need to rant and rave, and some need to just have silence to let it all soak in. I'm trying to say trust yourself, if you had really needed answers in that moment, you would have asked the questions in that moment. It's okay that you didn't.

I think in a lot of cases, the BS is way too hard on themselves.

[mnm]

Either he was using her to get it on with every chance he got and has spent the last 2 years making my life hell to cover it up, or he started talking with her to make himself feel better, put out a few feelers for something more, but didn't make much effort to really go after it, and the last 2 years have been him feeling so guilty about it he is going to great lengths to keep from facing it, making my life a living hell as an unintended side effect. If it's the first, adios, amigo, but if it is the second, I feel like I owe it to myself to try to work through this.

 

I really believe (maybe want) just by my H's demeanor about the whole thing that what I highlighted is the truth. I still have doubts just b/c I DON"T know. He keeps saying over and over I never cheated on you. (I ignore the word and deal with the behavior. No sense arguing over that.)

 

I think guilt is playing a massive part b/c deep inside they are really good men who got off track.