When the ex-other woman insists on maintaining an emotional affair

[midori]

At this point I don't think that Bark's concern is M's sense of validation. Her feelings simply do not matter any more. They matter to her, absolutely. They matter to her friends and family. Bark is neither of those things. The affair ended a while ago, but as we've seen M wanted to keep the emotional connection alive. I'm sure in part for the reasons Arabess and sweapea have suggested. But her need for validation is her problem. He can't hold her hand forever. "Society" has nothing to say about a secret affair that she's hiding from her husband!

 

I'm not vilifying M in a large sense. I'm sure that she has many fine qualities. Perhaps her intentions are genuine and good. But she's a destructive force in Bark's life, and he needs to treat her as such. She is toxic. She needs to be avoided by him at all costs. He needs to exorcise her from his life, completely. He owes her no explanations, no final adieus, no good wishes ... nothing.

 

There are two sides to every story, sure. But Bark is the one here asking for help in extricating himself from a bad situation, and possibly to save his marriage too. M/the other woman just doesn't matter in this context. If she wants to come here and post about how her husband has a delusional disorder and she's unsatisfied in her marriage but unwilling to leave the marriage, etc., and that she had an affair ... we could speak to her in her own right. But in this context, she's a moot point; she doesn't matter at all. That's how I see it anyway.

[bark]

At this point I don't think that Bark's concern is M's sense of validation. Her feelings simply do not matter any more.

 

Harsh but true at this juncture. I validated M for many years both during and after our sexual/romantic relationship.

 

By ending our sexual relationship, M did what she believed she had to do to save her marriage and expiate her increasing guilt. (This was compounded by the fact that both of her husband's brothers, within months of each other, had just left their wives (and children) for other women-- one of whom was M's sister-in-law. But that's another thread.). I now must do what I believe I have to do. I really, truly hope that M honors my demands. I think she will.

 

My farewell message to M was firm but nice. M will survive: she will either attempt to emotionally reconnect with her husband (I'm not optimistic, there) or find another person with whom she can be emotionally intimate (this is much more likely). She also has 4 and 7 year old daughters to raise. M will stay busy.

 

midori is right, though. I must exorcise M from my emotional life. Otherwise, at the end of the day, I will have nothing left. Nor will my wife and family.

[meanon]

Bark,

 

At this point I don't think that Bark's concern is M's sense of validation. Her feelings simply do not matter any more.

 

Harsh but true at this juncture

.

 

Not harsh but a statement of the frame of mind you need to be in to resist her approaches should she call. You are trying to conceal a vulnerability from someone who has used it to do you damage (albeit with your compliance) and her need will not go away - you are the closest source of satisfying it. Hence you need to make sure you believe that her feelings are not your responsibility. As Midori said her feelings do matter in the greater scheme of things but not to you - or else you are lost. Be kind by all means but be clear and firm. She has done what she needs to save her marriage now you are doing the same. Well done for leaving the phone message.

 

I agree you should do nothing rash but you need to make that choice to reconnect to your wife as soon as you are able and tell her that you want to try and rekindle the relationship. This should then give you the time you need to see if the love returns. If you have not yet told your wife that you want the marriage to survive then I think you should do so - you've told us.

[lipglossboost]

Originally posted by bark

 

I have two questions: first, what does M want from me? I feel she's using me as a back-up in case things disintegrate with her husband. Am I being played? Post-break-up, M has done everything in her power, short of sex, to keep me as the primary person in her emotional life. Why?

 

 

 

It sounds to me as if she is trying to keep you around as a backup, as you suspect, and I'm sure you know from experience that the emotional part of an affair is often what drives women to have them. She is still having the affair with you, she just feels better about it because there is no sexual aspect to it anymore.

 

You mention that you cannot move on with your life until this correspondence with M stops. If you want to move forward with your wife, you will need to tell M that it is over, period. She is maintaining the affair under the guise of friendship, and she cannot ask you to fulfill the role of her partner anymore, in bed or otherwise.

 

If it were me, continued correspondence with someone I once loved and lost would be painful, and would interfere with my moving on. I'm sure M does need someone to confide in, and to talk to, but she shouldn't expect that person to be you. That isn't fair to you. Good luck.

[bark]

t sounds to me as if she is trying to keep you around as a backup, as you suspect, and I'm sure you know from experience that the emotional part of an affair is often what drives women to have them. She is still having the affair with you, she just feels better about it because there is no sexual aspect to it anymore.

 

An astute observation. While I was reading your helpful post, lipglossboost, I received an e-mail from M, as midori predicted. She won't let go.

 

I believe that we will be able, at the end of the day, to pry M's death grip from my heart. And then the truly difficult task begins: a real reconnection with my wife. The end of an affair, the new beginning of a marriage...

[midori]

Originally posted by bark

I received an e-mail from M, as midori predicted. She won't let go.

 

Make the first step away from her and toward your wife. Delete it w/o replying. And set up your email program to block/filter/delete her emails automatically.

 

You have to do this Bark. You have to stop giving her any feedback at all. As long as the door to your heart is even ajar, she will continue to try to stay connected to you.

 

Don't reply to the email. Delete it and go buy your wife some flowers.

[bark]

With this post I'm leaving LS,this time never to return (not even to lurk).

 

I want to thank many of the fine people who post:especially lost, rainbow, jenny, cindy , enigma, meanon and midori. All of you were simply wonderful (even you, moimeme, in your way).

 

Unfortunately, my renewed conduct makes a mockery of my advice posts and all who have sought to help me.

 

I very much enjoyed my short time here. I'm sorry.

[midori]

Really sorry to hear it Bark. My parting advice to you is to get yourself on a weekly scheduled appointment with a therapist. You need to be talking to someone about this cycle.

 

Good luck. And remember, another slip does not mean the battle is lost. You can stop this anytime you wish.

 

Best,

midori

[meanon]

Bark,

 

You are disppointed that you have not been able to live up to your expectations of yourself because you are a man of integrity. I think you may be indulging in a need to punish yourself. You said you needed support and that the description of yourself in exile was an accurate one. If this is still the case why isolate yourself at a time when you need help most? If not from LS then please seek this support from elsewhere. We all make mistakes, this does not mean that our opinions are worthkless or that others can not learn from us. I've appreciated your posts and wish you all the best. You know you can PM me whenever you want.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I'll miss you too, Bark. I really enjoyed your honesty and willingness to share your experiences with us. It's been wonderful to learn so much through you. Although it will be a great loss for all of us, I'd much prefer to see you invest your time and energy in helping yourself, your wife and your marriage.

 

I'm rooting for you all the way. I know the two of you are strong enough to survive this. You made the first and most difficult step towards relationship recovery by trusting your wife with your honesty. Most people never get that far. I admire and applaud your courage.

 

Best of luck to both of you!