yes Posted November 22, 2003 Share Posted November 22, 2003 simple questions this time! 1 - i went on a date; by default (i.e. unless the guy says 'i got it' and insists), i take out my wallet and pay my half. we had dinner, and i started giving him my half (i wasn't at the table when he paid), but didn't have enough small bills - he took whatever i gave him and said "don't worry about it, just pay for dinner some other time". that made me go "HMM". what are your comments? [what seems appropriate for a date, to me, is the guy clearly stating - 'i got it, don't worry about it'.] 2 - saying Bye. i usually just say 'well, thanks, have fun, see you!" and go off. i wonder if that's a bit too cold for people - i mean i prefer when any kind of meeting ends with a hug or smth similar, but it'd be bizarre for me to initiate it with a guy, after a date... so some comments would also be appreciated. thanks, -yes Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted November 22, 2003 Share Posted November 22, 2003 Well, call me old fashioned....but if a guy asks me for a date....I intend for HIM to pay! Now, if we go out repeatedly, I would chip in, maybe pay the tip, maybe buy HIM a couple of beers or offer to cook at home on occasion. On a regular date though, especially the first date, I wouldn't even CONSIDER paying 'my portion'. I don't know that I've ever been out with someone who didn't try to initiate a kiss and a hug (yeah....figuring I OWE them for the dinner cost - HAHA!).....but if they didn't, I would have no problem with making the first move. Maybe they are shy or trying to be polite. I still can't believe the cheap schmuck took money from you......GEEZ!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
ThisGirlNameKD Posted November 22, 2003 Share Posted November 22, 2003 I'm alittle unclear about the first one. Personally, I don't see anything wrong with going dutch regardless of who did the inviting out. But something like that needs to be discussed atleast in at the beginning of the date. I don't see why the man always has to pay. It's traditional, but is it really necessary? As far as saying goodnight, I do find what you say to be alittle to....final. If you're not comfortable hugging or kissing them, atleast shake their hand and say something like "I had a good time, I would like to do it again someday, take care." That leaves him open to feel that he can call you and hook up with you again. Link to post Share on other sites
mintjulep Posted November 22, 2003 Share Posted November 22, 2003 There is "going dutch" and then there is just plain rude. If you intend to pay for your half, then that's great - go women's liberation front. However, the guy said, "You can just pay next time." My response would be, "Really? So you actually think there's going to be a next time?" Unless he was being sweet or cute or funny, I think it's a little presumptuous for one, and after accepting your small bills for the tip, he should have really kept his trap shut. Like I said, I don't know tone, but that's just a little odd to say - him assuming you'll be going out again, and him assuming that instead of going dutch, you'll trade off paying for meals. I once went on a date, and when the tab came, the guy had the audacity to ask if I could cover it, because he didn't want to go to the ATM. That was our first real date, and our last one. I think it's really rude of anyone, even friends, not to have enough to at least cover their portion. I'm not saying the guy needs to pay (though I always think it's a plus), but I'm saying he needs to maintain some level of class. As for the goodnight, I wish I could help you with that. All of my dating experiences have happened with friends, or guys that I had gotten to know outside of the dating realm before hand. So my dates always end with a hug, at the very least. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted November 22, 2003 Share Posted November 22, 2003 I'm with KD. In fact, if somebody says they want to go someplace with me, I make it clear right from the start whether they are thinking of going dutch. Frankly, I prefer to pay my own way until we are in a relationship unless the fellow wants to treat me - in which case I return the favour. I think this whole 'guy always buys' is archaic - especially in this day and age when women work and earn good wages. You are dating each other, after all. Actually, I think that working women who 'expect' men to always pay are making us all look bad. Those days are gone, people. Let's drag ourselves into the 21st century! Link to post Share on other sites
Author yes Posted November 22, 2003 Author Share Posted November 22, 2003 thansk for all your comments!! what bothered me is that 1 - he accepted the small bill (pleeze - if you already paid, don't let the gal give you her half); 2 - he said i can pay next time (exactly, why did he assume there'll be a next time??) moimeme, i agree that it's best cleared up at the beginning - i guess next time i'm about to have dinner with someone, i'll say "just so we're clear on this, we're going dutch, OK?" and if the guy wants he can talk me out of it right there and then. as for saying bye... i guess i'll be much more comfortable if i adopt the habit of hugging everybody good-bye... yeah, i should do that. there's something very right about touching when greeting someone or saying bye. -yes Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted November 25, 2003 Share Posted November 25, 2003 I've been mulling over this post for a few days. I STILL think a man should pay for a first date if he is persuing a possible relationship. I'm sure it IS archaic thinking....based on the fact that if a man can't afford to "feed" a woman.....then how would he be able to take care of a family financially? It's like a subliminal message. Again, once the relationship changes and you are dating on a regular basis.....I have no probs with chipping in or cooking a meal instead. But in the beginning, if I guy didn't pay for the date, I'd think he was a loser. Then again, I'm blonde and shallow.....and still expect men to open doors also. LOL! Link to post Share on other sites
Author yes Posted November 25, 2003 Author Share Posted November 25, 2003 i think i agree - i expect the man to insist he pay. i think it's part of the macho attitutude deal - and perhaps it's shallow, but heck - i like it, so i don't see why i should disregard my preference. i also like to have the doors opened and all that good stuff - it's nice to be with a gentleman! -yes Link to post Share on other sites
mintjulep Posted November 25, 2003 Share Posted November 25, 2003 I have to agree whole-heartedly with Arabess. If we had agreed before hand that he and I were going dutch, I'm afraid I would have to say that I wouldn't think it was the same romantic date it would have been if he had offered to pay. I'm also afraid to say that If I do insist on paying my way on the first date, that it's probably because I'm not interested. I'll lay the offer on the table, then secretly be pleased if he doesn't let me pay. I do think it has to do with a provider thing. I know it might still sound archaic in a day and age where women work, and sometimes earn more than said date, but think about it this way: If he can't fork up the cash for a first date, it really does show the he's not ready to provide for more people than himself, regardless of whether or not he can afford it. I've taken several feminist theory classes here at school, and I have to say, after all that I don't see anything wrong with certain stereotypical gender roles - if and only if that's what you're comfortable with, which I totally am in this case. However, I also see nothing wrong with girls who absolutely insist on paying on the first date, either. I think men are likely to continue to date either one, if the chemistry is right, and she responds correctly to either his not accepting her offer to chip in, or by allowing her to pay. After all, I have been called on the offer to pay before. What's funnier is that my boyfriend did it to me, and even after all that I've just typed here, we've now been together for two years, lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yes Posted November 25, 2003 Author Share Posted November 25, 2003 i guess other things overrid the paying preferences, since you stayed with him =) i think what irked me is not so much that i was paying, but the way it all went. but i'm sure that if i was more impressed by other things, i'd overlook this and see how it'd go the following time... thanks for the discussion, gals! -yes Link to post Share on other sites
wiseOLDman Posted November 25, 2003 Share Posted November 25, 2003 Arabess, I'm with you 100% (old fashioned). Net-net, whoever does the inviting does the paying. If, as a woman/girl, you feel that this is an afront to your independence, then suggest going dutch when you are invited. If he declines, tell him you're taking HIM to dinner next time. As for the "good night"- if you're comfortable leaning in to give him a hug or a peck on the cheek, go for it. He's probably as uncomfortable as you and there's nothing wrong with you taking the initiative and eliminating the discomfort alltogether. Oh, and I still open/hold the door for women. Link to post Share on other sites
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