loriP Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 I am a MW & the OW. I met my MM 1 year ago. We are both in our mid 40's. He has been with his wife 5 years with no children, and I have been with my husband 10 years with 2 sons. We lived 100 miles apart. He rented an aprtment and had me move in. Neither of our spouses knew we were having an affair or moving in with each other. I moved to his town. His wife spotted us out a few days after I moved there. He urged me to tell my husband. I was going to in time, but continued to travel back and forth once a week to take care of things with my sons. I was'nt ready for anyone to know what I was doing. His wife was terrible to him and has Hep C, and not expected to live a long life. He has had 1 other affair and moved out also, but returned. He said after that affair wife promised she would change and be a better spouse, but after a couple weeks of him being back after the first affair she was back to her same old self, no communication, no sex, and near complete silence. He swore he would not retun to her again for that reason. He also said he did not love her, but did feel sorry for her cause she was dying. After a couple of weeks I suspected he was visitin the wife and it turned out to be true. He ended up calling the cops on me for harrassment, which I proved wrong. I suspect the wife made him call them on me, but not sure. It is very hurtful thinking he did that to me. I now can have no contact with him. I want to get some insight as to what most people think about this. I would talk to my husband all the time in front of him. I think he thought i was going to go back to my husband. How long do people think the niceness from the wife will last. Is it a sham on her part. What are the chances he will contact me again. His marriage has been sexless since soon after their marriage, and his wife has not spoke one word to him since finding pics of me on his phone in January, so she was rejecting him and it was drinving him nuts, could this be why he returned to her so fast. Are men so upset by silence that they would do this. He was seriously rejected by her. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 How do you feel the need to judge whether his wife is sincere, you left your children to move in with a MM and have an A. It seems your view of things is more than a little skewed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loriP Posted September 8, 2009 Author Share Posted September 8, 2009 I did not plan on leaving my children. I had planned on bringing them with me once I was settled. They were in school and settled where they were. If she is sincere is what I would like to know. Based on her past I don't think so. So if she is not sincere is the question. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 Sincere about what, exactly? Link to post Share on other sites
Author loriP Posted September 8, 2009 Author Share Posted September 8, 2009 Is she sincere about changing her ways. I'm not sure, but I've known of situations where spouses separate and the man gets a new woman and then the wife plays nice, but only for a little while then returns to her old ways once she know the other woman is out of the picture. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 Sincere about what, exactly? Better yet, why is it her business? If it is between the cheater and his wife, why is it a concern of hers if she isn't sincere. It only matters to the cheater? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 This guy's a complete BS'er I'll love to hear the evidence to prove me wrong and will be happy to apologize Link to post Share on other sites
Author loriP Posted September 8, 2009 Author Share Posted September 8, 2009 Does anyone have any advice vs criticism. I am hurting and am in love with this man, and thought he felt the same way. Just looking for any thoughts on if or when he will ever contact me again. Or should I just erase him and the memories. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 Are you defending him? My 'criticism' is of him, not you. You have my support and empathy. You also have my honest assessment, as a mature man who's cheated. Like that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author loriP Posted September 8, 2009 Author Share Posted September 8, 2009 Ok, whew..was feeling it a little. So do men lie about being in love or can they truly be in love with two women at once? that is what i need is to see him as a jerk... It's been a week and I am much better emotionally, hope I continue to get better. Link to post Share on other sites
Lovely10 Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 You are assuming that she made him call the police. You are assuming that you have the truth about their marriage. You may have stumbled into a hornet's nest that you know nothing about... in all sincerity. Why would you want a man who called the police on you for harassment back in your life? I'd bet he told his wife that it was all you ... that you were a stalker. And I'd bet you don't have the first idea what his marriage is about.. or her for that matter. It sounds as if the second she learned of it he backtracked and called you a stalker. Thusly denying you entirely. What you may need to be doing now is figuring out how you can get your life back on track and what, if anything, you can do to salvage any rapport with your betrayed husband. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 So do men lie about being in love or can they truly be in love with two women at once?Other LS'ers may tell you I'm a bit wierd, but, IMO and IME, a man always has a priority. That could be himself or another person, situationally. I will submit it's entirely impossible to be 'in love' with two women at the same time, equally. One is always a priority over the other. A true compartmentalizer can change this order seemlessly and situationally. You'll never know. I could be lying to you right now. See my lips moving? Seriously, watch those actions. They don't lie. I'm taking my own advice as I write this. Hope you find your truth Link to post Share on other sites
Author loriP Posted September 8, 2009 Author Share Posted September 8, 2009 He drove 250 miles to see me for a couple hours every week. He lived in total silence from his wife since end of January over pics he had of me on his phone. What do you think is the mindset of a person that is done this way. I have told my husband the truth, in fact, too much truth. I'm like th guy on Liar Liar. I do not have any passion for my husband, and will still divorce him. I don't want to live the rest of my life with no passion for the man I am married to. My husband has cheated on me also, but this was my first time and I thought it would lead to marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loriP Posted September 8, 2009 Author Share Posted September 8, 2009 i can honestly say I despise you and your lying ways. You were not honest with your husband and your family and have hurt them terribly, and then you come here and look for advice and support when you are hurt by a cheating man? You, lady, have got some balls. Again, I'm not looking for criticism. Link to post Share on other sites
lupa Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 Again, I'm not looking for criticism. Ok, but that doesn't mean you aren't going to find it. You'll be lucky if anyone in your family ever trusts you again. That isn't criticism, that is a cold, hard fact. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 He lived in total silence from his wife since end of January over pics he had of me on his phone. Contact his HepC infected, dying wife and ask her about her silence. Seriously. If he's telling the truth, bonus I had to laugh a bit as your post brought up a recollection from a few weeks ago when a picture from my wife ended up on my cell phone. She was all nice and styled up and I was thinking "no way is this for me as we're getting a divorce, but maybe it was intended for another guy and she screwed up" Two seconds of a bit of a knot, then I laughed, hoping that he knows what he's getting into. No wonder her X #2 never said much to me, even though he was friendly. He didn't want me to know Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 We know. but you're still going to get it, whether you're looking for it or not. I find your whole situation pitiful. especially for the children. nice, really nice. Sorry, but i think you need to address your morals and behaviour and consider how awful it will be for both your children to know what their parents were like. What a moral example you are setting.... or does this not bother you? Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 He lived in total silence from his wife since end of January According to the OM, I imagine. Take it for what it's worth. To answer your original question, it doesn't matter if she's sincere or not. As Bent pointed out, it's none of your business. It sounds like he's made his choice regarding his marriage, and you've apparently made yours. Time for you to move on without either the OM or your husband. I'd wish you good luck, but doubt that I'd be sincere were I to do so. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 Is she sincere about changing her ways. I'm not sure, but I've known of situations where spouses separate and the man gets a new woman and then the wife plays nice, but only for a little while then returns to her old ways once she know the other woman is out of the picture. When my SO thought he was losing me to the OM, he suddenly became the man of my dreams. It lasted for a month, long enough for him to have me on the hook again. Then he was back to his own narcissistic self. Not sure what you are saying about hep C. Most people with hep C do not die from it. But some do. Does his wife have decompensated cirrhosis? Link to post Share on other sites
Author loriP Posted September 8, 2009 Author Share Posted September 8, 2009 Contact his HepC infected, dying wife and ask her about her silence. Seriously. If he's telling the truth, bonus I had to laugh a bit as your post brought up a recollection from a few weeks ago when a picture from my wife ended up on my cell phone. She was all nice and styled up and I was thinking "no way is this for me as we're getting a divorce, but maybe it was intended for another guy and she screwed up" Two seconds of a bit of a knot, then I laughed, hoping that he knows what he's getting into. No wonder her X #2 never said much to me, even though he was friendly. He didn't want me to know So its a bonus if all thats the truth? Link to post Share on other sites
whatisgoingon Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 WOW! That is unbelievable.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author loriP Posted September 8, 2009 Author Share Posted September 8, 2009 When my SO thought he was losing me to the OM, he suddenly became the man of my dreams. It lasted for a month, long enough for him to have me on the hook again. Then he was back to his own narcissistic self. Not sure what you are saying about hep C. Most people with hep C do not die from it. But some do. Does his wife have decompensated cirrhosis? She has a type called gloriosa or something like that. I personally know 3 people who have died from hepc. I have known of times when this same situation happens, but of course to someone else, and the mean spouse changes ways over jealousy then reverts back to their old self. Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 Unfortunately, here may be some evidence that your MM is lying to you: while Hep C can shorten someone's life and is considered "a life limiting illness," very rarely would a woman recently diagnosed (in the past 5-10 years) be actively dying of the disease. There are drugs to extend life and quality of life and she'll likely live into her 60s and 70s, perhaps symptom-free. HOWEVER, Hep C IS NOT curable and it is a sexually transmitted disease. Make sure he always uses a condom with you. He may tell you he's not having sex with his wife, but don't believe him. Not until there's absolutely no contact between them. In your case, it's a health issue to trust him. Finally, while I know you're hurting, please don't let this man treat you that way. Any man who would actively be with two woman is not worth pursuing in my book. However, a man who would call the police on the woman he loves is not a good man. He may be confused, worried, stressed... but nothing excuses that behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loriP Posted September 8, 2009 Author Share Posted September 8, 2009 WOW! That is unbelievable.... I'm just asking, I could'nt believe he said it would be a bonus! Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 I'm just asking, I could'nt believe he said it would be a bonus! I'm not sure you two are talking about the same thing, but yes, if the OM was being truthful, it would be somewhat surprising (hence, "bonus"). Is that clear enough? Link to post Share on other sites
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