jennie-jennie Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 you have to put yourself in your child's shoes...do you think they think ok mommy did this cause she needs to be happy and to teach us the same lesson...that's not the way it works...I hope they are not old enough to understand this hot mess...because if I was the child I could care less about this so called happiness lesson...but instead I will resent you for years to come...kids aren't that stupid these days...and when women becomes a mother it is no longer me me me...its your children and priorities need to be set straight...and if you are not able to put your kids well being first then they shouldn't have chidren till they you are capable of doing so. JJ i can not contain myself here...so please excuse me for what I am about to say in advance...but if you agree and encourage such parenting...I would never in a million years want you as my mom...it is very very poor judgment...no wonders so many kids end up messed up How incredibly rude of you to say that someone who does not put their children before their own happiness should not have children! People have different perspectives. My view is that children and self happiness are not mutually exclusive. I understand that you see it differently. I do not tell you not to have kids because of that. I have several children, two teenagers and one adult. They all love me sincerely, and are very happy with my parenting. They all have wonderful partners, who are very caring for them. I believe they know better than you, MSue, if I am a good mom or not. PS I reread your posts. This time I see that the first post is probably more directed to the OP than to me. I am willing to give the OP the benefit of the doubt that she actually has cared responsibly for her children although she has managed to create a mess for herself. Her kids have two parents, and she left them with their dad most of the time so they could continue to go to their school. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 I don't think its a hostility thing...but I do think is a lot of people come here seeking to be nurtured and be told its ok...when it clearly isn't and they are in the middle of a hot mess created by nobody but themselves...it is not ok to nurture and encourage such actions...and if you come to share your story then you need to be ready to hear it all...good or bad...agree or disagree. and in some cases the OP is in such denial and blinded that there is no hope other than time will tell...this a great example of that...the decisions and choices she made were very poor and I think you are the only that disagrees on that here...but guess what that's ok because you are entitle to your views and opinions I strongly believe it is a hostility thing. You have to be very strong as an OP not on the verge of leaving your EMR to be able to stay on LS. Tough love is fine, but tough hate which often is given here is not. I told the OP several times that I think her situation is very messy and that it is not likely to have a good ending in the sense of her and MM ending up together. It is just that I seem to be the only one to believe her when she says she HAS cared for her children. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 Read what I wrote. What I said had nothing to do with staying with anyone. What I said was to make a decision with children in mind first; not your cha-cha in your pants. Fair enough. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 It is just that I seem to be the only one to believe her when she says she HAS cared for her children. And those of us who disagree are not necessarily wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 Nor is abandoning them. However allegedly temporarily. I cannot see leaving children with their dad as abandoning. He is an equally important caretaker as she is. Link to post Share on other sites
tinktronik Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 I cannot see leaving children with their dad as abandoning. He is an equally important caretaker as she is. I live apart from my children part of the year. It benefits their life and mine. The difference is in why this choice was made. Was it to go work a job that paid better wages to put the kids in private school? Or... Was it to have privacy so she could screw around with a married man? It was the latter. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 I cannot see leaving children with their dad as abandoning. He is an equally important caretaker as she is. Then it's your view that there is no such thing as abandonment, by either the mother or father, so long as the children are with the other parent? Seriously? And if the children feel that they have, in fact, been abandoned, they're wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 And those of us who disagree are not necessarily wrong. That is true. It is impossible for us to know what is the true situation. We only have her words to go by. Link to post Share on other sites
MSUE Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 I strongly believe that if a mother is not capable of putting her children first and consider and act on behalf of their well being then I don't think its a good idea to have children to begin with...it is part of motherhood...children should be a priority and #1 on the list not some guy...seriously...there is a lot wrong with this pix...I con't imagine anyone on their right mind doing what she did...and making such poor choices...just think for a second...would you leave your children behind in the dark over a man? over some dic*?is it worth it? this so called happiness and happy ending w this man was never realistic to begin with...it is very poor parenting...and this is for the OP not you...I have no clue about your family life and children...that's your business Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 I live apart from my children part of the year. It benefits their life and mine. The difference is in why this choice was made. Was it to go work a job that paid better wages to put the kids in private school? Or... Was it to have privacy so she could screw around with a married man? It was the latter. I very much disagree with you here. The reason does not matter. The way you do it does. If you make sure they are taken care of while you are absent, then all is fine in my book. And I do believe she was sincerely thinking she was starting a new life with this MM. It was not like she was going there to screw him for a while. Link to post Share on other sites
MSUE Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 there's no doubt that she did in fact abandoned them...she left the house by herself to be with a MM...now the dad on the other hand he was there for the children...she didn't leave for the weekend she left to have a happy ending life with this man...long term...this is in fact abandonment... tell that to a judge on family court...you think she would get full custody? or even 50/50? Link to post Share on other sites
MSUE Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 its unacceptable...really is...what kind of parent does that? so if I decide to leave my home and my children long term but I can afford nannies and daycare and safety while I'm not there does that mean its ok? no it does not make it ok...then the tittle is no longer mother...because a mother should be there emotionally Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 I strongly believe that if a mother is not capable of putting her children first and consider and act on behalf of their well being then I don't think its a good idea to have children to begin with...it is part of motherhood...children should be a priority and #1 on the list not some guy...seriously...there is a lot wrong with this pix...I con't imagine anyone on their right mind doing what she did...and making such poor choices...just think for a second...would you leave your children behind in the dark over a man? over some dic*?is it worth it? this so called happiness and happy ending w this man was never realistic to begin with...it is very poor parenting...and this is for the OP not you...I have no clue about your family life and children...that's your business I have considered leaving my children with their father to be able to live with MM. I do not see that as abandoning. If I were to move in with my MM right now, I would probably bring one child with me, and leave the other one behind, because she is so well rooted here it would not be beneficial for her to come with me. Hmm, wonder what her kids would say? If they would rather not be born? Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 Then it's your view that there is no such thing as abandonment, by either the mother or father, so long as the children are with the other parent? Seriously? And if the children feel that they have, in fact, been abandoned, they're wrong? I live with my children in a different part of the country than their dad. You can care for your children even when you do not live with them. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 I live with my children in a different part of the country than their dad. You can care for your children even when you do not live with them. You haven't answered my questions. Link to post Share on other sites
MSUE Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 now it makes sense why you feel the way you feel...because you'd do the same...yikes...well its for you to decide if is worth it or not...but a good indicator is the fact that everyone here but you and OP agree that is abandonment and very poor choices...I do not agree or condone such choices and behavior specially from a "grown up" I think its a shame and people wonder why kids rebel and end up so messed up...its just a shame...really is... but if you so strongly believe that its ok then so be it...your life your consequences to deal with. I respect you...you respect me;) Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 there's no doubt that she did in fact abandoned them...she left the house by herself to be with a MM...now the dad on the other hand he was there for the children...she didn't leave for the weekend she left to have a happy ending life with this man...long term...this is in fact abandonment... tell that to a judge on family court...you think she would get full custody? or even 50/50? I think we all agree that it was lucky that she went by herself to check things out and settle before bringing in the kids. It was responsible of her not to uproot the children but leave them with their dad until she knew everything had worked out (which it didn't). Link to post Share on other sites
tinktronik Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 I have considered leaving my children with their father to be able to live with MM. I do not see that as abandoning. If I were to move in with my MM right now, I would probably bring one child with me, and leave the other one behind, because she is so well rooted here it would not be beneficial for her to come with me. Hmm, wonder what her kids would say? If they would rather not be born? Time for some honesty. Let me think back. I had a mother that behaved much as the OP. She jumped ship and ran for her hearts desire; always a new man. The current H was not good enough, oh look there is a new one... married .. eh' who cares. Bam she was gone always going to bring us along when she was ready. Then she would and everything was soured and chaotic. This was followed with "I have a right to my happiness." Always ruined by someone other than herself, the wife, the man, the family... And I would say yes, as a young child living in the messy chaos my mother had created leaving us and jerking us along on some selfish, chaotic, unstable trail there were certainly times I would have rather not been born. Especially to her. Link to post Share on other sites
MSUE Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 TT you are right on...and this is exactly what I'm talking about...I wouldn't want to be born either...people like OP are putting themselves first...not your children...this is unacceptable and messed up...they don'trealize the long term effect on this selfish choices on their children or even better they don't care because the deserve to be happy...well the children deserve to be happy and taken care of and grow up in a stable enviroment...it is not ok...I'm telling you go in fron of a judge and the fun is over reality will sink in and now your kids are gone and you are stuck with every other weekend...maybe that's what they want though because they see the children as an obstacle on their own road to happiness Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 Then it's your view that there is no such thing as abandonment, by either the mother or father, so long as the children are with the other parent? Seriously? And if the children feel that they have, in fact, been abandoned, they're wrong? There is abandonment. Of course there is. But if the two parents mutually decide that temporarily or permanently one parent is to primarily take care of the kids, that is not abandoment. That is making sure your kids are cared for. You can be emotionally present even if not physically present. Sometimes children have feelings of abandonment when it is not called for. Sometimes it is. A child might feel abandoned even when her mother goes to the movies for example. That does not mean she has been abandoned. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 Time for some honesty. Let me think back. I had a mother that behaved much as the OP. She jumped ship and ran for her hearts desire; always a new man. The current H was not good enough, oh look there is a new one... married .. eh' who cares. Bam she was gone always going to bring us along when she was ready. Then she would and everything was soured and chaotic. This was followed with "I have a right to my happiness." Always ruined by someone other than herself, the wife, the man, the family... And I would say yes, as a young child living in the messy chaos my mother had created leaving us and jerking us along on some selfish, chaotic, unstable trail there were certainly times I would have rather not been born. Especially to her. I agree with you here. This is a pattern of abandonment. But we do not know this to be the case of the OP. Hopefully this was a one time happening in her life. Link to post Share on other sites
MSUE Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 JJ I think there's 2 ways to look at this..the mothers and the child...a mother has got to take a step back and think twice...how does my child feel? and yes they are entitled to their feeling an emotions and if its something that is hurting them...its more than valid...children need to be listened to and guided the right direction...their feelings and emotions are valid just like yours Link to post Share on other sites
MSUE Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 I agree with you here. This is a pattern of abandonment. But we do not know this to be the case of the OP. Hopefully this was a one time happening in her life. a one time happening can scar you forever Link to post Share on other sites
tinktronik Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 I agree with you here. This is a pattern of abandonment. But we do not know this to be the case of the OP. Hopefully this was a one time happening in her life. Let's hope so. But I would think not. People who make this decision in the first place are at very high risk for things like lack of judgement, descent decision making and impulsive behaviors. The OP does not even have the foresight to ask any of the questions she should have been asking.... Instead she asks "Is the dying wife going to be able to treat him like he deserves?" WTF? This man is a cheater, a liar and willing to throw her under the bus at the snap of a finger. The only reason to ask the questions she did was wondering how long till' he wanted her back. To encourage or make the OP's behavior justified is the wrong way to go... Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 There is abandonment. Of course there is. But if the two parents mutually decide that temporarily or permanently one parent is to primarily take care of the kids, that is not abandoment. So whether abandonment exists hinges on agreement between the parents? I might buy into that to some extent. But I would point out that the unspoken part of your definition is that when a parent unilaterally decides to leave the family, as you must admit is possible in the OP's case, that is indeed abandonment. Link to post Share on other sites
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