GorillaTheater Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 JJ you are only thinking of yourself...you need to take a step back and look at it from the other side...from a child's side...think about that for a bit No way. Doing so might impact her happiness. That's the most important thing, after all. Link to post Share on other sites
MSUE Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 No way. Doing so might impact her happiness. That's the most important thing, after all. of course it does...its #1 on her list of priorities...screw the children...doesn't matter how they feel...but her happiness on the other end...that matters...and if she is willing to hurt her children in order to have this so called " happiness" I don't even want to know what else is she capable of destroying along the way in order to get there....Dear God it makes me sick to my stomach...BTW guys I just called my mom earlier this Afternoon and asked what she thought of this...she went ballistic wondering as a mother herself how could anyone Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 I went through the thread quickly... my question to the OP... how old are the kids? if you don't mind me asking. I don't see why a mother can't leave her children (depending on their age of course) with the father.. what is a father good for? If she made sure her children were well taken care of.. had frequent contact with them.. through phone or visit.. I don't see anything wrong. As far at the MM calling the police.. if it was me.. I would have put him on 'Ignore' real fast.. Move on.. he's not worth your energy.. your time (life is too short) and your kids.. trust me... I have NEVER and will NEVER put any man before my kids.. no man is worth that much!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 I live apart from my children part of the year. It benefits their life and mine. The difference is in why this choice was made. Was it to go work a job that paid better wages to put the kids in private school? Or... Was it to have privacy so she could screw around with a married man? It was the latter. Funny, it seems you were wrong here. Lori stated that she lives apart from her children part time to pay for putting the kids in private school, just like you do. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 i WOULD NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS WOULD WANT TO BE YOUR CHILD...ALREADY STATED THAT...MY MOM WAS AND IS ALWAYS THERE NOR WOULD SHE EVER DARE LEAVE US BEHIND OVER A MAN...SHE HAD CLASS AND PRINCIPLES AND HER PRIORITIES STRAIGHT AND FOR THAT SHE IS MY IDOL MY INSPIRATION AND I THANK GOD EVERY DAY FOR HER DEDICATION TO US...SHE WOULDN'T DARE ABANDON US...5 GIRLS...AND I LOOK UP TO HER...THE BEST ROLE MODEL...NOW THAT'S GREAT PARENTING IN MY BOOK There, there, don't throw a temper tantrum now, honey. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 I don't see why a mother can't leave her children (depending on their age of course) with the father.. what is a father good for? The problem with this situation is that the father wasn't told that he was being left with the kids as in separated. If she made sure her children were well taken care of.. had frequent contact with them.. through phone or visit.. I don't see anything wrong. Again, the father didn't even know where she had moved to. A parent should never do this. Knowing the CPS system as I do, leaving the kids, even with the father, without them knowing where you are going is reasonable grounds to have them put into foster care or at least have the family put on watch for neglect. As far at the MM calling the police.. if it was me.. I would have put him on 'Ignore' real fast.. Move on.. he's not worth your energy.. your time (life is too short) and your kids.. trust me... I have NEVER and will NEVER put any man before my kids.. no man is worth that much!!!! Here we agree. Once a man calls the police on you, you shouldn't even consider him again. I don't understand why the OP doesn't agree. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 ABSOLUTELY AGREE!!!! If a mother is not capable to keep her priorities straight...meaning her children first...then do not please do not have children till you are able to do so...this type of mothers do not realize the damage that such behavior causes on their children...because they are too caught up on their so called own happiness...you won't be so happy when that child starts acting up...when they start rebelling against you and they resent you for many many many years and end up needing therapy...to recover from abandonment wether its physical or emotional... JJ you are only thinking of yourself...you need to take a step back and look at it from the other side...from a child's side...think about that for a bit You apparently forgot that I said that in my book my happiness and my children's well being are not mutually exclusive. I make sure we all get what is due to us. For the record all my kids are doing very well and love me dearly just like I love them. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 No way. Doing so might impact her happiness. That's the most important thing, after all. Sure, twist my words if it amuses you. Link to post Share on other sites
MSUE Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 JJ...I'm over you and your ways... Link to post Share on other sites
complicatedlife Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 You apparently forgot that I said that in my book my happiness and my children's well being are not mutually exclusive. I make sure we all get what is due to us. For the record all my kids are doing very well and love me dearly just like I love them. I wondered about that bolded statement in the past and asked my therapist, as well as 3 other therapists that I know (and 2 I work with) about it and they ALL said it's a healthy attitude. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting happiness for yourself if you have children. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 JJ...I'm over you and your ways... LOL I apparently irritated you so much you had to talk to mommy about it! Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 I wondered about that bolded statement in the past and asked my therapist, as well as 3 other therapists that I know (and 2 I work with) about it and they ALL said it's a healthy attitude. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting happiness for yourself if you have children. Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 Is she sincere about changing her ways. I'm not sure, but I've known of situations where spouses separate and the man gets a new woman and then the wife plays nice, but only for a little while then returns to her old ways once she know the other woman is out of the picture. Seriously, what does it matter if she's sincere or not? Do you mean that if she isn't sincere and he figures that out that you'll go back to this jerk??? I certainly hope not. I hope that 'no contact' you have with him remains securely and forever intact. Why on earth would you even consider going back to a man who betrayed you the way he did? Whether his wife coerced him to call the police or not is irrelevant. He's a free-thinking adult and I'm sure she didn't hold a gun to his head. HE BETRAYED YOU. Period. He probably enjoys the game of cat and mouse and his wife knows this about him, and knows how to play him. What you and she both seem to be missing is that he isn't worth playing games with. He has no character and no loyalty. Is she sincere? Probably - not to mention that the ante just got upped because her number one goal is to make your relationship with him crash and burn. Mission accomplished. She knows what he's made of and she just showed it to you. It may look like she won, but you're the one who just walked away with the prize. Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 Does anyone have any advice vs criticism. I am hurting and am in love with this man, and thought he felt the same way. Just looking for any thoughts on if or when he will ever contact me again. Or should I just erase him and the memories. What he did to you was unconscionable, and inexcusable. It was a dealbreaker. You can't erase the memories but just because you love someone doesn't mean you need to go back to them if the opportunity arises. Yes, he probably will contact you when the dust settles, and he probaby does love you but this is the key mistake that women make when it comes to men. They think that men place the same value on love that women do. Well, the sad truth is, they don't. Many things come before that - like their reputation, money and kids. Since he doesn't have kids, he doesn't have that to consider but he is thinking about the other things, and he put them before you. So you're wondering if you misread him - if he really did love you. I'm sure he did, and probably still does. I know it's really, really hard to go through this kind of thing. And I know it's really, really hard to resist when they come back. But if you don't learn any other lesson in your life, please learn to walk away from people who betray you and who don't value you. If more women did that, more men would be more careful about how they behaved. I'm so sorry you're hurting. You don't deserve to be treated that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loriP Posted September 10, 2009 Author Share Posted September 10, 2009 I wondered about that bolded statement in the past and asked my therapist, as well as 3 other therapists that I know (and 2 I work with) about it and they ALL said it's a healthy attitude. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting happiness for yourself if you have children. So true. I am miserable and missing him so much. I know he did wrong, but I do believe I did wrong also. He wanted me to stay with him and not travel to and from my other home, but I was confused, and did'nt want to disrupt my childrens life or jeopordize their future if I made a mistake by leaving my H for my xMM. I ultimately chose H over him and I think I made a huge mistake, and now I am not sure if I can ever change what I have done. Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 So true. I am miserable and missing him so much. I know he did wrong, but I do believe I did wrong also. He wanted me to stay with him and not travel to and from my other home, but I was confused, and did'nt want to disrupt my childrens life or jeopordize their future if I made a mistake by leaving my H for my xMM. I ultimately chose H over him and I think I made a huge mistake, and now I am not sure if I can ever change what I have done. So, what you're saying is that he expected you to neglect your children -and you're ok with this expectation. Only an extremely immature man would have these expectations. And if I'm overstating it, then big deal. What man can't be trusted to deal with a few problems when he knows you have other obligations to work through? You need to think very hard about caving in on the things that will shame you later. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 So, what you're saying is that he expected you to neglect your children -and you're ok with this expectation. Only an extremely immature man would have these expectations. And if I'm overstating it, then big deal. What man can't be trusted to deal with a few problems when he knows you have other obligations to work through? You need to think very hard about caving in on the things that will shame you later. Good points. He actually left her because she tended her children. How sick and selfish of him. And here she is worried about his W when she probably won't even be able to trust this guy to take care of her kids ever should she divorce her H to be with him. I can't imagine being concerned with a man that doesn't consider my children important enough for me to devote some time to them. This makes me think of those two boys that were found in a lake (after a wild goose chase of course) when their mom killed them so she could keep her lousy boyfriend. What was her name? Susan something? Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 Ok, OP moved in with OM WITHOUT her H knowing. She went back and forth to the marital home to visit the children, with her H thinking they're status quo. Her OM sounds pretty much like any fed up OP. Pissed that the H is the priority and she won't tell H about him and them playing house like they're the married couple and not the other way around. I would bet money that the OM wasn't mad that she was visiting her children but was mad that she was visiting the H. GEL Link to post Share on other sites
Author loriP Posted September 10, 2009 Author Share Posted September 10, 2009 Ok, OP moved in with OM WITHOUT her H knowing. She went back and forth to the marital home to visit the children, with her H thinking they're status quo. Her OM sounds pretty much like any fed up OP. Pissed that the H is the priority and she won't tell H about him and them playing house like they're the married couple and not the other way around. I would bet money that the OM wasn't mad that she was visiting her children but was mad that she was visiting the H. GEL Yes he was pissed about that, but I was having no relations with my H..no sex with H Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 Yes he was pissed about that, but I was having no relations with my H..no sex with H I'm a fOW. I know exactly how it feels when they go home. It gives you a sick feeling in your stomach. Even if they assure you they aren't having sex or barely talking, you have the "what if MW/MM is lying?" He knows that your word is, shall we say, less than honest? GEL Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 I will explain it one more time for you, Fooled once, since it is so difficult for you to understand. All MM in affairs lie to their wives, we agree on that, but not all MM lie to their OW. Yours did, that does not mean that all MM lie to their OW. What you are doing is called generalization. I am happy for you that you have such a nice husband now. Too bad I can't say the same about him. Let me explain it to you one more time. ALL MARRIED MEN LIE - PERIOD. Doesn't matter if it is "only" to their wives - they LIE. Not sure what is so hard to understand there. And since you have SUCH an issue with me - put me on ignore. I welcome it. Quit responding to my posts since they are so hard for you to handle. I really don't need or care about your opinions about me or my husband, thank you very much. Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 Yes he was pissed about that, but I was having no relations with my H..no sex with H It really doesn't matter. You didn't betray him. He betrayed you. Stop blaming yourself for the little things you did or didn't do. Love can't survive if it's that fragile. You made the right choices for the circumstances you were in at the time. Don't think that it's your fault that he made the choices that he made. He's not a little boy that needs to be handheld. He's a grown man who made a heartless and thoughtless choice. He broke your heart. I hope you won't give him another opportunity to do that again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loriP Posted September 10, 2009 Author Share Posted September 10, 2009 It really doesn't matter. You didn't betray him. He betrayed you. Stop blaming yourself for the little things you did or didn't do. Love can't survive if it's that fragile. You made the right choices for the circumstances you were in at the time. Don't think that it's your fault that he made the choices that he made. He's not a little boy that needs to be handheld. He's a grown man who made a heartless and thoughtless choice. He broke your heart. I hope you won't give him another opportunity to do that again. At this point in time, its been 10 days since we were together, I am feeling much better, guess i been getting better and better each day. For the last 2 days I havent been crying all day long, but do still have my moments of sadness, but all in all much better. I will be so happy when the pain goes away... Whats the time lime for most in my situation for the pain to be gone. Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 Funny, it seems you were wrong here. Lori stated that she lives apart from her children part time to pay for putting the kids in private school, just like you do. Maybe instead of fighting with pretty much every poster; you read what the OP wrote. NO WHERE did she state that she moved away from her children to PAY for putting the kids in private school. That is no where in this thread. She said her kids went to a special school. Period. OP - you moved, didn't tell your husband where you lived and therefore, your minor children had no idea where you lived. Should something had happened to him while he was caring for your children so you could play house with the MM, HOW could anyone have found you????? No responsible parent does that. So since the MM kicked you out, where are you living now? back with that mean old husband of yours? Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 I wondered about that bolded statement in the past and asked my therapist, as well as 3 other therapists that I know (and 2 I work with) about it and they ALL said it's a healthy attitude. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting happiness for yourself if you have children. Well, of course a person should ALSO attend to their own happiness. If a parent is happy, their children will be better for it. HOWEVER, to what lengths should one go to place their happiness AHEAD of the welfare of their children? The soothing of their fears (suddenly mom is - somewhere and they don't even know where?), the care and concern for what is going through their little minds, despite what you THINK is going on up there. Susan Smith took it to horrifying lengths. Her happiness was paramount. We have to consider the greater good when we have children; our happiness AND their well being, not only physically but mentally. We are no longer autonomous. There are innocents who rely on our very presence just to feel secure. Link to post Share on other sites
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