Angel1111 Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 At this point in time, its been 10 days since we were together, I am feeling much better, guess i been getting better and better each day. For the last 2 days I havent been crying all day long, but do still have my moments of sadness, but all in all much better. I will be so happy when the pain goes away... Whats the time lime for most in my situation for the pain to be gone. 10 days isn't a lot of time but it sounds like you're doing remarkably well. You're definitely going to have more bad days; days that you feel like it's all coming back at you like it were yesterday. It's a part of healing and it's tough. I don't know what the timeline is. In some cases for me, it took a full 2 yrs to get past losing someone I loved. That's not to say that every day for two years straight I was in misery. It's just to say that it was a full 2 yrs before I felt 100% free from it. It's different for everyone though and I tend to hang on to love and hope longer than most. It's usually my downfall. ha. Hang in there. You deserve so much better than this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loriP Posted September 10, 2009 Author Share Posted September 10, 2009 Well, of course a person should ALSO attend to their own happiness. If a parent is happy, their children will be better for it. HOWEVER, to what lengths should one go to place their happiness AHEAD of the welfare of their children? The soothing of their fears (suddenly mom is - somewhere and they don't even know where?), the care and concern for what is going through their little minds, despite what you THINK is going on up there. Susan Smith took it to horrifying lengths. Her happiness was paramount. We have to consider the greater good when we have children; our happiness AND their well being, not only physically but mentally. We are no longer autonomous. There are innocents who rely on our very presence just to feel secure. My children are teenagers, and knew exactly where I lived with the xMM. they were there with me for a couple of weeks before school started. My 21 year old son, who is in the army visited me there also. All of my children knew what I wanted. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 My children are teenagers, and knew exactly where I lived with the xMM. they were there with me for a couple of weeks before school started. My 21 year old son, who is in the army visited me there also. All of my children knew what I wanted. Why didn't you say that much earlier? We could have avoided SO many nasty posts back and forth between a couple posters! You know, the fact that you've been married so many times makes me wonder if you settle all the time because you don't think you deserve someone who is "perfect" for you. What do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
Author loriP Posted September 10, 2009 Author Share Posted September 10, 2009 Why didn't you say that much earlier? We could have avoided SO many nasty posts back and forth between a couple posters! You know, the fact that you've been married so many times makes me wonder if you settle all the time because you don't think you deserve someone who is "perfect" for you. What do you think? I thought my current H was perfect until he did his deeds to me. 1st marriage was very young, 17, and lasted a few months. 2nd , 11 years and this one 10 years, my xMM seemed perfect for me also. BTW my H was married when I met him and had been separated for 2 years when we met, and wouldnt you know it, his W wanted him back after we were together for 10 days. After 1 year and 10 months he left her and came back to me then we married. Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 Why didn't you say that much earlier? We could have avoided SO many nasty posts back and forth between a couple posters! You know, the fact that you've been married so many times makes me wonder if you settle all the time because you don't think you deserve someone who is "perfect" for you. What do you think? It doesn't necessarily matter if the teens are still in high school. They still need to see their mom and don't need to feel abandoned. She doesn't exactly say what their ages are, except for the 21-yr-old. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 I thought my current H was perfect until he did his deeds to me. 1st marriage was very young, 17, and lasted a few months. 2nd , 11 years and this one 10 years, my xMM seemed perfect for me also. BTW my H was married when I met him and had been separated for 2 years when we met, and wouldnt you know it, his W wanted him back after we were together for 10 days. After 1 year and 10 months he left her and came back to me then we married. "Seemed perfect." Did you maybe make them perfect for you in your mind? These "deeds" your H did. Were they something deliberate and cruel, meaning something you never thought should go on in any marriage? If so, do you think you just overlooked some past signs because he "seemed" to be so perfect in other ways? Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 It doesn't necessarily matter if the teens are still in high school. They still need to see their mom and don't need to feel abandoned. She doesn't exactly say what their ages are, except for the 21-yr-old. Well, of course she does, and didn't she say she did see them? I mean, teenagers have a better grasp on things like this than, say, a 5 year old. Not that it was a particularly good road to go down as a mother, but it seemed earlier on in this thread that her children were younger and at a much more vulnerable age. Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 Well, of course she does, and didn't she say she did see them? I mean, teenagers have a better grasp on things like this than, say, a 5 year old. Not that it was a particularly good road to go down as a mother, but it seemed earlier on in this thread that her children were younger and at a much more vulnerable age. Hey, I have no criticism of what she did. She seems to have made a point of seeing her kids and I thought that was great. I was only pointing out the fact that as long as they're at home up through high school, kids are kids. She did the right thing but she seems to think she did something wrong by making her kids a priority and she has no reason to feel that way. Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 So now I am totally confused.... Your two sons - one is 21 (not really a teenager) - both knew you moved out, moved in with a MM and were okay with it? They knew you moved out but your H didn't -- until you were forced to tell him? And I am guessing neither of them are from your current marriage - since you said they were teenagers and you have only been married 10 years. So you left the younger one with your current H while you moved away because of him being in school; yet when you moved, he wasn't in school (since you were only moved for a month (according to your post). This is all very confusing.......... Instead of cheating, why didn't you just divorce your H? And I agree with Donna, isn't it maybe time to examine yourself? Maybe get some counseling to figure out why you have had 3 marriages that didn't work? I mean, it couldn't ALL be the man's fault. I know that even in my first marriage, not all the issues were my ex's fault. But his alcoholism and his abuse are what finally made me decide ENOUGH. And if I remember correctly, this affair has gone on for a year. Did you ever plan to tell your H that you wanted out? How long were you planning to live with him before telling your H; the person who was back at home raising your child from another marriage? Not being snarky, just not understanding this at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loriP Posted September 10, 2009 Author Share Posted September 10, 2009 So now I am totally confused.... Your two sons - one is 21 (not really a teenager) - both knew you moved out, moved in with a MM and were okay with it? They knew you moved out but your H didn't -- until you were forced to tell him? And I am guessing neither of them are from your current marriage - since you said they were teenagers and you have only been married 10 years. So you left the younger one with your current H while you moved away because of him being in school; yet when you moved, he wasn't in school (since you were only moved for a month (according to your post). This is all very confusing.......... Instead of cheating, why didn't you just divorce your H? And I agree with Donna, isn't it maybe time to examine yourself? Maybe get some counseling to figure out why you have had 3 marriages that didn't work? I mean, it couldn't ALL be the man's fault. I know that even in my first marriage, not all the issues were my ex's fault. But his alcoholism and his abuse are what finally made me decide ENOUGH. And if I remember correctly, this affair has gone on for a year. Did you ever plan to tell your H that you wanted out? How long were you planning to live with him before telling your H; the person who was back at home raising your child from another marriage? Not being snarky, just not understanding this at all. Yes, it is confusing, and how I pulled it off I will never know. I never even told my kids not to say anything about my xMM, My xMM gave me a time to tell my H, but we did not make it to that date. I have never been abused by any of my husbands. Had a hard time getting them to divorce me, so I guess I just grew tired of them for some reason Link to post Share on other sites
lovely12 Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 I don't know. I think this is a matter of the heart. Yes, sure it wasn't done the right way. From the beginning both of you should of filed a divorce and then when the divorce was final, move in together. Until you both file a divorce then your still in the marriage, you know what I mean. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 Hey, I have no criticism of what she did. She seems to have made a point of seeing her kids and I thought that was great. I was only pointing out the fact that as long as they're at home up through high school, kids are kids. She did the right thing but she seems to think she did something wrong by making her kids a priority and she has no reason to feel that way. Oh, I see where you're coming from now. I agree; she did nothing wrong by spending time with her kids. In fact, it was the right thing to do. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 "Seemed perfect." Did you maybe make them perfect for you in your mind? These "deeds" your H did. Were they something deliberate and cruel, meaning something you never thought should go on in any marriage? If so, do you think you just overlooked some past signs because he "seemed" to be so perfect in other ways? OP, did you see this post and think about the things I asked? What do you think? Maybe close, or way off the mark? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 My children are teenagers, and knew exactly where I lived with the xMM. they were there with me for a couple of weeks before school started. My 21 year old son, who is in the army visited me there also. All of my children knew what I wanted. What do you believe that this is teaching them about relationships/marriage/commitment/honesty/integrity/how to maintain or build their own marriages in the future? They know that you did what you WANTED...what values are you giving them with this example of your life? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 Geesh! Why don't some women start thinking with what's between their ears instead of what's between their legs? Link to post Share on other sites
MSUE Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 LOL I apparently irritated you so much you had to talk to mommy about it! LOL LOL LOL I'm very close with my mom...unlike other people...I had to share such bizarre parenting and I thanked her over and over for being the MOM that she is...because I see this posts and it only makes more thankful that I have the mom that I have... not some selfish self centered person that is uncapable of prioritize properly as a parent...like some other people MY MOM is a dedicated woman with great values and morals that always put us first...and for that I will be forever thankful... Link to post Share on other sites
MSUE Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 Well, of course she does, and didn't she say she did see them? I mean, teenagers have a better grasp on things like this than, say, a 5 year old. Not that it was a particularly good road to go down as a mother, but it seemed earlier on in this thread that her children were younger and at a much more vulnerable age. this is very true but I remember being a teenager and I think those are the hardest years...cause you are finding yourself molding yourself exploring all the body changes and starting to have your own views and opinions...and for a mom to suddenly make such choices its still pretty brutal...just my 2 cents DM Link to post Share on other sites
MSUE Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 Geesh! Why don't some women start thinking with what's between their ears instead of what's between their legs? Thank You!!!! you nailed it Link to post Share on other sites
MSUE Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 I wondered about that bolded statement in the past and asked my therapist, as well as 3 other therapists that I know (and 2 I work with) about it and they ALL said it's a healthy attitude. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting happiness for yourself if you have children. there is nothing wrong with wanting to be happy at all...but what is wrong is the lenghts that some are willing to go to achieve sthis so called happiness...and by that I mean putting your children at the bottom of the list...man comes first...and that in my book is unacceptable...and that's why there's been a lot of posts back and forth but about 99% in these thread agree with the statement above...your children should be a prioroty...#1 on the list Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 this is very true but I remember being a teenager and I think those are the hardest years...cause you are finding yourself molding yourself exploring all the body changes and starting to have your own views and opinions...and for a mom to suddenly make such choices its still pretty brutal...just my 2 cents DM That's fine, hon. And I agree that the teenage years are still VERY formative years, particularly in the area of relationships and such, and we, as parents, should set the example. That includes divorce rather than cheating. Personally, I feel it is better to divorce honestly than to be married DIShonestly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loriP Posted September 11, 2009 Author Share Posted September 11, 2009 This post is kinda funny. Yes it is. Link to post Share on other sites
MSUE Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 Yeah, yeah, your world is black and white. I have noticed that. YOU have an issue with me. Put me on ignore if that is your need. I enjoy reading your posts. They make me baffled someone like you even exists. wow...how low can you go? seriously everyone in an A lies...that's the bottom line it would be foolish too think otherwise so...if there were no lies involved it wouldn't be an A...there would be no need to hide...but that's part of the excitement truth be told... you are in no position to decide who should exist and who shouldn't...that call is for a Supreme Being to make... and in my opinion you are on the complete opposite end of that...I respect everyone's opinions ...as we are all entitled to them...i do not however need to agree...and I certainly do not agree with you in anything...and guess what? that's ok too Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 Why in the world would anyone set such a horrible example for their children? Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 wow...how low can you go? seriously everyone in an A lies...that's the bottom line it would be foolish too think otherwise so...if there were no lies involved it wouldn't be an A...there would be no need to hide...but that's part of the excitement truth be told... you are in no position to decide who should exist and who shouldn't...that call is for a Supreme Being to make... and in my opinion you are on the complete opposite end of that...I respect everyone's opinions ...as we are all entitled to them...i do not however need to agree...and I certainly do not agree with you in anything...and guess what? that's ok too OK, I guess that was a bad choice of words. I am baffled at the opinions held, that's what I meant. Sorry, fooled once, if my words implied something else, that was not my intent. According to Onelook Dictionary: baffle = be a mystery or bewildering to Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 So true. I am miserable and missing him so much. I know he did wrong, but I do believe I did wrong also. He wanted me to stay with him and not travel to and from my other home, but I was confused, and did'nt want to disrupt my childrens life or jeopordize their future if I made a mistake by leaving my H for my xMM. I ultimately chose H over him and I think I made a huge mistake, and now I am not sure if I can ever change what I have done. Since you were the one that cheated on your husband, now about this for a solution that allows you to do at least something of the right thing......divorce your husband.....let him have custody since its despicable to move his children away from him because of your selfishness, then you can go out and do whatever you want...move anywhere to be with anyone you want. what is stopping you? Link to post Share on other sites
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