anyone else get payback fromthe other woman and did you enjoy it

[SANDY]

Hi

Another first timer here. My husband of 16 years has had to the best of my knowldge two "flings" one about 14 years ago that was your basic two nighter. That changed our relationshp forever. I went through the normal hell. But I never knew the woman and it was brief I held no amimosity to the other woman. He lied to her about being married.

 

A few days ago myself and my 14 year old daughter found out (through an inadvertantly recorded phone sex call) that he had been having real sex ( off and on for 2 years he says ) and phone sex (off and on for 4 years after the real sex ended.) with our baby sitter. The only reason the real sex ended was that she and her husband moved out of state.

 

This babysitter is a woman my age (51) She was a trusted friend. My kids called her Momma. I gave her daughter a family heirloom for her baby shower. We have been in each other house and lives for14 years. We still visit on holidays

 

My daughter who played the message is devastated.

 

My sense of betrayal is enormous. Not only did she betray me but also her "other kids" and to add insult to injury I was paying her to babysit while she and he were having sex.

To be honest I know how to handle this with my husband . But I am also furious at my "Friend"

When confronted my husband provided rambling details. I was willing to let him go to her but he wants to stay here. He called her to tell her not to send cards or presents or visit. She then sent me a 6 line note saying she was sorry but that nothing happened except over the phone and she didn't want to discuss it.

My husband says she really afraid I might tell her husband as he does not know. She has never worked outside the home and he is her total support. (she does not baybsit anymore)

My husband as provide( barely )enough informtion about the many sexual encounters (not to mentions his scared and frantic demeanor) to convince me he is telling me at least part of the truth. That is the were definately having a physical affair.

I am obcessed with making her admit to the affair and provide me with written details. I NEED her to admit some cupability. I know this is irrational but I want to make her admit she betrayed us. It is as if her denial is the worst betrayal of all. ( I also want details so I can check on the degree of lies my husband has told me this time)

I have told her unless she provides me with a written statment of details and an apology to myself and my daughters I am going to tell her husband and children and granchildren.

OK my questions ( at last right?)

#1 On a scale of 1 to 10 exactly how crazy do you think I am right now?

#2. If she sends the letter should I really read it or just obtain statisfaction knowing I got a little dignity back? Hey ! Control is control even at this late date.

#3. If she does not send the letter should I really tell her husband and children and grandchildren? They would be devasated. How about just the husband. Does he have a right to know? ( Yes I know are my motives are not entirely unselfish)

 

Any of you extracted a bit of your own back from the other woman other man? How was it?

 

 

I

[moimeme]

I am obcessed with making her admit to the affair and provide me with written details. I NEED her to admit some cupability. I know this is irrational but I want to make her admit she betrayed us. It is as if her denial is the worst betrayal of all.

 

You don't need this. You have persuaded yourself you need this. Ask yourself why.

 

I have told her unless she provides me with a written statment of details and an apology to myself and my daughters I am going to tell her husband and children and granchildren.

 

Well, aren't you nice. It's not bad enough that you and your family is suffering, you want to drag down a bunch of people who have done nothing to you and hurt them too, including children. They haven't harmed you, but you want them to suffer for something their relative did.

 

#1 On a scale of 1 to 10 exactly how crazy do you think I am right now?

 

42

 

#2. If she sends the letter should I really read it or just obtain statisfaction knowing I got a little dignity back? Hey ! Control is control even at this late date.

 

You haven't gotten dignity back at all. You have coerced someone to do your bidding. People who mistake 'control' for 'dignity' are people who need some therapy. You earn dignity by NOT leaping into the muck with the rest of the pigs.

 

#3. If she does not send the letter should I really tell her husband and children and grandchildren? They would be devasated. How about just the husband. Does he have a right to know? ( Yes I know are my motives are not entirely unselfish)

 

I answered this above. But, hey, if your idea of 'dignity' is wreaking havoc on a bunch of others' lives, go ahead. Pity you don't realize how low that will drop you in many people's esteem - including your own, eventually.

 

People who attempt to get revenge report that they rarely feel as triumphant as they imagined. They usually feel pretty dirty and low after the fact.

[Arabess]

During his first affair he lied about being married. Now, this woman knew he was married, but I'll be he told her he stays married to you only for the 'kids', you don't give him enough sex, she is his soul-mate, how he wishes he had met her before getting stuck with you....blah....blah....blah. She is probably in love with him and feels as devastated as you do.

 

Why don't the two of you confront HIM.....and find out who the real liar is???? He's the one who played two women. He's the one who should be doing the confessing. She was just a friend....he is your husband. He's the one who needs to take some responsibility and explain just how he got himself in this predicament.

 

I'm not at all saying she is in the right. As your friend, what she did is unforgiveable. However, ANY affair has the capacity of becoming messy.....and I'd be mopping up this mess with HIS heart....not HERS.

 

PS: I am sorry for what you and your daughter's are going thru. This must be a terrible time or having to deal with pain and deceit. I hope you are able to get thru it and can find a way to heal you marriage and your heart.

[moonspinner]

#1 On a scale of 1 to 10 exactly how crazy do you think I am right now?

#2. If she sends the letter should I really read it or just obtain statisfaction knowing I got a little dignity back? Hey ! Control is control even at this late date.

#3. If she does not send the letter should I really tell her husband and children and grandchildren? They would be devasated. How about just the husband. Does he have a right to know? ( Yes I know are my motives are not entirely unselfish)

 

Any of you extracted a bit of your own back from the other woman other man? How was it?

 

 

 

Firstly, my heart goes out to you. (I am currently witnessing a husband destroy his wife, piece by piece at my place of employment). But I have chosen to say nothing to her at this point. She is in pain, and I want to help her but I am on the fence on this .

 

Secondly, I would get to a physician to check for std's.

 

In answer to your questions:

 

I can't imagine how crazy you are right now, probably beside yourself, confused and in great pain...So maybe 10+++

 

I am not sure getting a letter from her will bring you any satisfaction whatsoever..and controlling yourself will be your biggest task at this point.

 

Telling the babysitter's husband and family about your husbands affair with her, or just her husband..hmmm

You have the capacity to inflict major pain on other folks right now...Will that help the situation?

Even if this woman hires a skywriter to admit her affair across the blues skies of America, nothing will have changed, you will still remain in emotional chaos and adding a dollop of vengeance to this brew won't make it taste any less bitter.

 

Focus on yourself, the viability of your marriage and protect the innocent.

 

I know it s**cks, but you will get through it.

 

And no, I once walked in on my partner with another and I DIDNOT extract payback.

 

I made them get out of bed, calmly stripped the sheets off my bed and left.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I understand your anger whole-heartedly. But I think the "dignity" you are looking for is in your decision to keep forgiving your husband for his many affairs. Perhaps you are looking for a way to feel good about it and make it right with yourself. I can understand how focusing your anger on this woman, and punishing her instead, it would be easier to shift part of the blame away from your husband. But the truth is that *he* had the commitment to you, and not her.

 

I would be tempted to tell the other husband too if dealing with all the emotions that you are going through now. But reflecting on this situation with a calmer frame of mind, I can't see how this would benefit anyone at all. It's obvious your husband has had a past history of affairs, and if it wasn't this woman or the last, he'd just be sneaking off with someone else.

 

I am amazed at your resilience and ability to forgive someone who has repeatedly treated you so badly. You must be one very strong lady, indeed!!

[sandy]

Perhaps I was less than clear in my original post. I KNOW my husband is at leat 50% at fault but I KNOWhow to deal with him.

And the Babysitter wasI am sure told a much of crap about how I ws cold in bed etc etc. However she was also my friend and I was also telling her the most intimate details of my married life

. I told her about the first affair how devasted I was how I wanted to die. How if he was ever unfaithful again I do not know how I could survive.

She was telling me he was a louse and I should leave him. Stimultaneously I now find out she was counting the babysitting money and sleeping with him. She knew what was true and what was false.

 

And no she did not love him. Her husband in Orca fat really obese She even told me we wished she could find someone to take care of her needs without messing up the money machine husband.

ALso folks I an advanced degree in psychology. I know what the various stages are in this time of trauma. And I know I am a little whacked right now. But I am tired of the PC forgive and forget thing too.

[moonspinner]

Perhaps I was less than clear in my original post. I KNOW my husband is at leat 50% at fault but I KNOWhow to deal with him.

And the Babysitter wasI am sure told a much of crap about how I ws cold in bed etc etc. However she was also my friend and I was also telling her the most intimate details of my married life

. I told her about the first affair how devasted I was how I wanted to die. How if he was ever unfaithful again I do not know how I could survive.

She was telling me he was a louse and I should leave him. Stimultaneously I now find out she was counting the babysitting money and sleeping with him. She knew what was true and what was false.

 

 

Sandy, second time he cheated?

 

OK she is telling you to leave him because he is a louse etc, then you find out she is sleeping with him..I can understand your rage... She is as screwed up as your spouse.

 

However I still hold to my position that dismembering this lady will bring you ZIPPO satisfaction in the long run. I think that your vengeance thing will only make you sick. And I am NOT a holier than thou person.. I have lots of anger towards partners in the past for MANY indiscretions( I have lived long enough) and I even have been betrayed by a best friend.

 

You say you have an advanced degree in psychology, an accomplishment indeed...but you still are human and are still susceptible to getting hurt.

 

If you must tell her what you think of her go right ahead. I highly doubt this will impact her in the least.

 

If you must tell her family about her affair go right ahead. You will be hated too.

 

I wish you good luck and a life filled with honest and loving folks.

[EnigmaXOXO]

You say that your families still get together on the holidays.

 

Won't your friend's husband begin to ask questions, once your family stops associating with them so abruptly?

 

Unless your friend can come up with an ingenious excuse, I suspect he'll catch on that something is going on anyway. If for some reason he calls to ask, I would certainly feel obligated to tell him the truth.

[moimeme]

But I am tired of the PC forgive and forget thing too

 

It isn't PC. It's a matter of your health. Anger and stress send nasty chemicals circulating around your body which can actually damage your health. Getting revenge will not release the anger and stress; it will add guilt and other negative feelings. What you need to do for your own health is get over this. Your anger will not harm her. You want it to, but it won't. She'll not regret what she did; she'll just get mad at you which also won't make you feel any better.

[lostforwords]

However she was also my friend and I was also telling her the most intimate details of my married life

. I told her about the first affair how devasted I was how I wanted to die. How if he was ever unfaithful again I do not know how I could survive.

 

She is a conniving, manipulative, back stabbing b!tch..... you wanna tell her husband i say GO FOR IT!!!!!

 

My so called best friend whom i babysat and when she got older she babysat for me..... yes she is 6 years younger than me..... i grew up in her family, was best friends with one of her brothers, regarded her mom as my mom.... the whole thing...... she screwed around with my husband. The sad part was she masqueraded the friendship by coming over for coffee three frikking times a day..... i bought her groceries cuz her and her husband were going through financial difficulties, i paid her utility bills a few times..... hell i was her baby coach when she had her second son...... so i know all about the being like family etc...... their affair only lasted a few months and she knew i was suspicious of him all the while trying to help me figure out who he was screwing around with.... id confront him.... he would deny it..... she would tell him what to say because her and i would discuss what i should do or say.... she would turn around and tell him what i was going to approach him on. My gut feeling was always telling me it was her.... however i would always shrug it off and convince myself that i was stupid for even thinking like that, for god sakes shes like a baby sister to me..... boy was i wrong....... not only did i find out from my husband it was her.... but i also found it she got pregnant.... and that she told him.... 3 months later she had a miscarriage (God works in mysterious ways) my husband put me through hell..... hes 100% to blame....... shes also 100% to blame..... i called her husband up at work...... he didnt believe me, i BEGGED my husband to tell him..... and he finally did...... sad thing was though her husband suspected her already and just didnt have the courage to actually want to face it..... yes it ended their marriage and was a messy divorce..... ask me if i care????? NO.... about her kids.... thier living with him now..... did i screw the marriage up? NO..... and i dont feel responsible either...cuz damn straight he and her put us all through hell.... she could at least go through the same hell.... he refused to do it until finally the straw that broke the camels back was in when she started following me around and trying to get her older brother to beat the crap out of me.... saying i was lying and full of crap.... not only did i lose her family because of her...... but i also left my marriage because of my husband and hers affair... the lying the deciet..... to this day sometimes i sit back and realize what a fool i must have looked like with the woman sitting at my table, confiding in her... taking her damn advice..... i say go for it..... and i know ill be raked through the coals from LS'ers telling you not to listen to me..... but ill tell ya right now..... i can sleep at night.... you wont be wrecking thier marriage because the way i see it..... tyour husband and her already wrecked both of thier marriages..... go for it!!!!! your not at all crazy your hurting like hell!!!

[sandy]

I agree. This forgive forget get over it move on stuff is B.S. John Hopkins did a study a few months ago that showed subjects using revenge/avenge were at least as emotionally healthy as those who sought therapy. APA published a similar survey a few years ago.

 

I will probaby not tell her hsuband. Simply because he is so fat he might have a heart attack. Even I do not want that. But she does not Know that. I am also not telling my husband that in case the lying SOB calls her and tells her.

 

I figure if she does not repond to my request for the information on the affair . I will place a few well time not threatening but inunedo laced

letters to her and her family . She is moving in 5 months and assumes

I won't be able to find her. Illl use a private investigator to locate her just so she know I know.

By the time i"m done with her she will be off valium and on Thorazine.

Let her have those nagging thoughts and worry about what will happen next for a few months.

 

And oh yes the letter about the affair I want it to make her own up to the affair and also my louse of a husband. It too easy to repeat behaviors unless they ( the unfaithful)own up to what they did. IfI have detais then I can confront him and twist it a little if you get the idea.

[Passing by]

Sandy,

If you say you are in an advance stage of psychology, aren’t you going to find out what really made your husband cheating with her and vice versa? As to you being a psychologist, what would you advise your patient with similar situation like yours? Revenge?

 

All I know, I was cheated as badly as you too and did seek revenge. It was not sweet revenge because I hurt innocent people. Perhaps my own beliefs didn’t allow me to react in such a way because I felt doubly guilty afterwards and had a hard time dealing with it in recovery.

 

Right now you are so angry, best yet to deal with your husband. We shut the couple completely out of our lives, the other woman never admits to her role in it even when we confronted her together. She totally blamed my husband and her husband believed her. This was not her first affair either. Later on, while I was suffering with pain, she went on a trip around the world with her husband.

 

Sweet revenge was to know while I have progress and rebuilt my marriage, she is still stuck like an ice princess in her icy castle (they are rich) and the last I heard; she is currently having an affair with her gynecologist. Why would I even bother whether she ever learn her lesson or not?? She is already in hell.

[Cariel]

If your husband cheats, your problem is not the other woman...the problem is your husband! I'll never understand why so many people seem to think it's the OW who schemingly goes chasing after a married man. In nearly every case I know of, the MM is the one who does the chasing and often the OW doesn't even know the guy is married until well into the relationship.

 

The ONLY thing you will accomplish by your planned payback is to hurt a lot of innocent folks who don't deserve it. Deal with your husband, get counseling, or divorce him if you don't think he can stay faithful (after two affairs that you know about, I'd bet there were more and he can't).

[sandy]

I am not a psycologist I just haave my masters degree. I only mentioned it so that the folks on the board would understand I had some little insight.

Thought you would like to know. The OW (babysitter) responded to my request for the letter. I guess she was much more frightened that I would blow her cover than I thought. The response ws really fast. Is it not amazing how they how the two unfaithful partners will rat each other out with the speed of light if it means saving thier own behind.

 

All the details fo the affair. Then begged me I mean begged me to leave her alone. ( I won't waste my time on her anymore I have to deal with hubby now) However she does not know this. I gave her an ambiguous reply so she can worry about the next phone call or next letter exploding her marriage for a few months. (By the way to everyone who was like revenge won't feel good. I have news her pain in wrting the letter as evidenced by her handwriting changes and her pleas made me feel absolutely great. Making her hang in adulterers limbo for a few months feels great two.

 

Now for Hubby. I read the letter and its full of the nasty stuff they each said about me and her husband cold in bed etc etc. plus all the sex stuff.

 

This does not bother me as I already knew they were not saying how much they loved us while they were doing each other. And the sex details well my hubby is not too imaginative Me or her the stuff is pretty much the same. I anticpated there would be no surprises and there was not.

 

Before the letter when I confronted him he would ramble and use half sentences and cry. Could never get him to own up to how he was a real louse. I had him read the letter. He started to shake and turn red then

he threw up and couldn't stop shaking and threw up more. It was one of the very best anxiety attackes I have ever seen. And I've seen quite a few.

 

And I must say immensely satisfying for me. I wanted to stand and cheer. But i made myself look concerned.

 

Counseling and therapy don't usually work on his type . Behavior modification with adverse conditioning might. This is the start of his adverse conditoning.

 

However I am not going to justify this my saying its to save our marriage.

He is a louse and an a--- h---e. He could leave tomarrow and i would not care. But if he insists on staying then I am going get as much payback as i can.

 

Yes folks so far the revenge is very indeed very sweet.

[moimeme]

Before the letter when I confronted him he would ramble and use half sentences and cry. Could never get him to own up to how he was a real louse. I had him read the letter. He started to shake and turn red then

he threw up and couldn't stop shaking and threw up more. It was one of the very best anxiety attackes I have ever seen. And I've seen quite a few.

 

And I must say immensely satisfying for me. I wanted to stand and cheer. But i made myself look concerned.

 

You are one seriously troubled person. To take pleasure in another's suffering takes a certain kind of cruelty most of us are not capable of. Kindly seek thereapy for yourself. I would hate to think that you would counsel others to follow your own sick example.

[lostforwords]

You are one seriously troubled person. To take pleasure in another's suffering takes a certain kind of cruelty most of us are not capable of. Kindly seek thereapy for yourself. I would hate to think that you would counsel others to follow your own sick example.

AHHHHHHHHH SHAADDDAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

As for you Sandy.... like i said your gonna hear it and you already have.,.,... people making judgement etc... etc.... just do what i do and ignore them...... they seem to have nothing better to do then sit on this forum and cant wait to try and fill you in what THEY think is RIGHT.... yet..... from what ive known.,... they need to worry about their OWN marriage/relationships lolololol... anyways...... im glad it turned for you the way it did. I wouldnt have liked to make someone sick over it but hey to each their own.......!! i support ya!!!!

[EnigmaXOXO]

LostForWords writes: they seem to have nothing better to do then sit on this forum and cant wait to try and fill you in what THEY think is RIGHT....

 

I was under the impression that this was exactly what this forum was for? ... People coming to share their opinions, experience and perceptions.

 

And aren't we all doing exactly the same...including you?

 

I tend to agree with Moimeme, although I don't feel the need to elaborate on what was already so eloquently said. But that does not mean we will share the same viewpoint tomorrow.

 

I think if one is seeking real professional help, then one needs to seek out, pay for, and invest the time in proper treatment rather than posting questions to a free advice column. But I will tell you, even a qualified professional is not inclined to spare hurt feelings even if getting paid. That's what family and friends are for.

 

Sorry, Moimeme. Didn't mean to butt in. I know (all too well) from experience you are quite able to handle yourself!

[moimeme]

No need to apologize, Enigma

[lostforwords]

I was under the impression that this was exactly what this forum was for? ... People coming to share their opinions, experience and perceptions.

 

yes your right..... but does it always have to be to the point of seriously making that person feel like absolute s***. thats all i see from moimeme when she doesnt agree with something...... she kindly tells that person their s*** like this for example

I would hate to think that you would counsel others to follow your own sick example.

 

who says its ok to attack other people as far as awhat they do with their profession/personal life?

 

..... its fine to agree or disagree but have some class and tactfulness and maybe some understanding if you can.... please try to refrain yourself by adding your personal pot shots to people

[lostforwords]

and just why is it EVERY argument on here EVERY disagreement on here with anyone.... YOUR ALWAYS INVOLVED>... yoru always the problem or the OTHER PERSON!!!!!!... KUKOO

[Faerie Princess]

Counselling seems best for you and your husband. Keep him, dump him, that'll depend on his ability to start to own his own actions and live his life honestly.

 

Until he is honest with you and himself, you'll find more problems.

 

You gotta look to yourself now. What do you want? What do you want your life to be? Do you love yourself? Do you want to be honest and open with yourself?

 

The forgiveness, acceptance, all that stuff will come or it won't. It only will happen if you WANT it to happen. And I'm pretty sure that right now you don't want it to happen. That doesn't make you evil. You're hurt and mad and want revenge. I don't know that it'll help if you get it, but for now, focus on you. Heal yourself.

 

If you still want to heal your marriage, you'll have to be willing to let go of some things, to own your own issues, and give trust again to someone who's really not done a lot to credit himself. Sure he'll have to do the same, and most importantly he'll have to accept that you may doubt him for awhile. He'll also have to decide to keep these old behaviors or become more than a bundle of what he wants.

 

As far as your friend, she needs help too. But she's not your problem anymore. If she wants to be your friend again, she should do the work. Fix herself, own her actions, be honest, ask for forgiveness and not cause any more hurt to you.

[EnigmaXOXO]

This is what frightened me the most:

 

Before the letter when I confronted him he would ramble and use half sentences and cry. Could never get him to own up to how he was a real louse. I had him read the letter. He started to shake and turn red then

he threw up and couldn't stop shaking and threw up more. It was one of the very best anxiety attackes I have ever seen. And I've seen quite a few.

 

And I must say immensely satisfying for me. I wanted to stand and cheer. But i made myself look concerned.

 

I know that the sense of "power" this might give someone may seem a good antidote for anger... however temporary. It's an emotionally charged effort to regain 'control' when one is under the impression that they've lost it (or even had it to begin with). The truth is, none of us are, or will ever be in control over the actions, feelings and behaviors of another human being. Heck, some folks are even unable to control themselves.

 

The only way to be in 'control' in a situation like this is to either find the inner strength to let go of this dysfunctional relationship or to accept it for what it is. You can not totally eliminate the external negative influences that continue to threaten the relationship if you don't first acknowlege and "fix" all the negative aspects within. While the battle may have been won, the "War of the Rose's" is far from being over.

 

This relationship appears to have become a power struggle rather then a mutually rewarding partnership. The ground has already been layed for yet another emotionally devestating extrimarital affair.

 

He'll cheat again. I can almost guarentee it. Afterall, it's the only sanctuary from a bad marriage that neither one of them have the courage to leave.

[moimeme]

This is what frightened me the most

 

Me, too. I cannot imagine anybody actually enjoying somebody else's suffering. That is literally frightening. And disturbing. It is pure cruelty and cruelty is NEVER justifiable.

[crazyglue03]

To Sandy - I agree with everyone. I think by staying with your husband you are just giving him more room to cheat on you again and again. The problem at hand does seem to be your husband. I'm sorry to say it, but I think you should dump the chump. He will only end up hurting you worse in the long run.

 

Good Luck!

[crazyglue03]

by lostforwords: who says its ok to attack other people as far as awhat they do with their profession/personal life?by giving pot shots to them.... like you did..... its fine to agree or disagree but have some class and tactfulness and maybe some understanding if you can.... please try to refrain yourself by adding your personal pot shots to people..... im just so sick of you treating people like crap and then you sit and deny all your wrong doing

 

Don't you see that all the things you dislike is exactly what you are doing? I, personally am tired of seeing the two of you go back and forth. Really she's not going on and on about it. It looks like you're not interesting in providing advice to the people that really need it, rather just to start a debate with someone. If you really dislike her so much, and you really want to ignore what she's saying/doing, then do just that instead of posting things like SHADDUP. That could easily be perceived as insitgating, and REALLY I want to believe you are above that.

 

Sorry to be everyone for posting all this in here, I haven't mastered the art of PM's yet.