tidalwave Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 I am a little hesitant in writing this but I would like a little feedback so here goes nothing… My soon to be ex wife has been gone for 20 months and our divorce is almost over. Quick Background: My divorce is now in the hands of the judge as we await the final decision on custody, etc. I will more than likely have custody of the kids with the only issue being whether or not I am allowed to move 2.5 hours away across state lines. She has told the kids and I before that she didn’t want to see them but she has seen them during the divorce proceedings in order to “save face.” It has been a very stressful time to say the least. The problem I am having is dealing with this all. I am in a new relationship that is great but going through this trial has brought up some feelings that I am having trouble dealing with. I no longer have any desires to be with my ex but while testifying to some of the situations that happened during my marriage I did end up feeling sorry for her and feeling things that I haven’t felt in quite a while. She cheated on me, left not only me but her children, lied on me, claimed false domestic violence, etc. Everyone tells me that I should hate her or be mad but I honestly am not. As I sit here today I feel like I did not do enough to help her while we were together. To defend myself and in order to just tell the truth during our divorce trial I had to tell a lot of personal things about my ex to the judge and lawyers and even though they were all true, I feel like s**t about it. I tried to talk to my ex but she will not talk to me face to face (even about the kids) and will barely talk on the phone 2 min. before hanging up no matter what the conversation is about. She left me for another man who she is still with. She says she is happier than ever and they have no problems. I am also with someone else and am happy, so I don’t know why she still acts this way. Anyway, the point is now that the trial is over I think about what could have been I am not sure what to make of it. I do not think I will ever love someone as much as I loved her and that is not fair to the new great relationship I am in. My ex is no longer the person I married or had two kids with but I still love her (like family) no matter what she has done or no matter if we are divorced or not. It has been hard though. Why can’t she simply talk about anything? Am I hung up on her? I feel like I don’t want her back but am I lying to myself? How in the world can I get her to at least be nice and civil for the kids, or possibly allow a conversation just to put the past in the past and move forward? Am I asking for too much? Am I ridiculous for thinking that maybe she has some feelings still for me just by how she is acting? I feel very confused and in a funk and can’t seem to shake myself out of it. Is this normal, or am I just a dumbass who needs to get over it? Link to post Share on other sites
skinman Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 Hey Tidalwave, I feel your pain and confusion over what you are going through. My wife did a similar thing to me, walked away for another man to find her happiness that she lacked in our marriage. All along I have been the brunt of her frustrations, accusations and even legal actions... It is confusing, like you I have the same thoughts, the what ifs, how could she and why di I still care after all that she has done. I hope its only normal what we feel and eventually it will go away. Its been almost a year since my separation (she asked for space and I gave it to her) that was my thread on here for a very long while... I dont know what to tell you other than I feel your pain.. I look at my wife on occassions and can almost see the woman I fell in love with, its only then that I have to remind myself of all the vile and hatefull things she said to me and our family about me to cover her lies... It will get better for us both Tidalwave.. I hope so at least my friend.. Hang in there and take it slow with your new girl... she deserves the best "you" that you can offer her.. feel your feelings and know thats all they are.. plain ole feelings and with time they will fade with some of the painfull memories..... Best of luck to you !!! Skin.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author tidalwave Posted September 9, 2009 Author Share Posted September 9, 2009 It will get better for us both Tidalwave.. I hope so at least my friend.. Hang in there and take it slow with your new girl... she deserves the best "you" that you can offer her.. feel your feelings and know thats all they are.. plain ole feelings and with time they will fade with some of the painfull memories..... Best of luck to you !!! Skin.... It means a lot to me to at least know that I am not alone and not crazy, lol. I was afraid to post this because I felt like people would think I am stupid for feeling the way that I do. I am in a good relationship now and I wish I hadn't gone through this divorce and pain so that my new gf could get what my ex apparently didn't want. it is tough... Link to post Share on other sites
FoolMeAgain Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 You're not crazy... I'm experiencing the same thoughts/feelings and my shrink says I'm not crazy! :laugh::bunny: Seriously - Feelings aren't right or wrong, good or bad, they just are. What we do with our feelings is what can cause problems. You just want closure and she's not giving it to you. Why? GUILT - It's the most insidious of all emotions. Think of ALL the crazy behavior when she was cheating. Now her guilt is preventing her from even having an adult conversaion with you. My stbx has NO problem talking ABOUT me, but she can't talk TO me. It's crazy to witness.... My STBX has become f'in CRAZY... I find myself feeling sorry for her. The more I look back, I always did. She has been the 'victim' all our marriage and now thru our divorce too.... She plays it well... Pity is much easier on you than hate/anger/spite .... Good luck with your custody... Link to post Share on other sites
soheartbroken Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 Feelings aren't right or wrong, good or bad, they just are. What we do with our feelings is what can cause problems. I like that... Link to post Share on other sites
ryepatch Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 i think foolme is right about the guilt. that's one of the best theories i can think of as to why my wife won't speak to me. she's completely destroyed my life, robbed me of most of my friends (also with lies, although no one has told me what she said), and left me penniless and jobless and unable to go back to school and without any understanding of what happened. normally, she's a very guilty person. . . i think when people do horrible things to you (whether as a result of MLC, mental illness, personality disorder, whatever) they suppress their guilt, and it comes out as anger. i hope your ex and my (hopefully not soon-to-be-ex) wife will at some point examine themselves and admit their guilt. i love my wife like family, too, which is putting me in a real difficult situation, and i want so badly not to go through a divorce where wee have to fight. . . we don't have kids, but there are still issues to be worked out. this whole thing is hell. i never dreamed for a second i would ever go through a divorce. . . Link to post Share on other sites
Author tidalwave Posted September 9, 2009 Author Share Posted September 9, 2009 You're not crazy... I'm experiencing the same thoughts/feelings and my shrink says I'm not crazy! :laugh::bunny: Seriously - Feelings aren't right or wrong, good or bad, they just are. What we do with our feelings is what can cause problems. You just want closure and she's not giving it to you. Why? GUILT - It's the most insidious of all emotions. Think of ALL the crazy behavior when she was cheating. Now her guilt is preventing her from even having an adult conversaion with you. My stbx has NO problem talking ABOUT me, but she can't talk TO me. It's crazy to witness.... My STBX has become f'in CRAZY... I find myself feeling sorry for her. The more I look back, I always did. She has been the 'victim' all our marriage and now thru our divorce too.... She plays it well... Pity is much easier on you than hate/anger/spite .... Good luck with your custody... is there anyway to get her to put her guilt aside to have a conversation with me? how can we put past stuff behind us if she still feels guilty? this situation is a no-win in my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
ryepatch Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 it might not be that she FEELS guilty, it's that she's not able to feel guilty. people can only deal with so much guilt without hating themselves, and so they suppress it. but they feel all screwed up inside when they talk to you, and they interpret that as anger. only time or therapy or a brave friend could convince her that she needs to process her feelings as guilt. just a guess. but that's what i've been able to figure out about mine. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tidalwave Posted September 9, 2009 Author Share Posted September 9, 2009 it might not be that she FEELS guilty, it's that she's not able to feel guilty. people can only deal with so much guilt without hating themselves, and so they suppress it. but they feel all screwed up inside when they talk to you, and they interpret that as anger. only time or therapy or a brave friend could convince her that she needs to process her feelings as guilt. just a guess. but that's what i've been able to figure out about mine. but i still dont know what i am supposed to do until she figures this out? i have a life and we have kids that i am raising and it would be nice if i knew if she was going to be apart of that, how much she wants to do, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
FoolMeAgain Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 is there anyway to get her to put her guilt aside to have a conversation with me? how can we put past stuff behind us if she still feels guilty? this situation is a no-win in my opinion. No - It's her guilt. She needs to 'own her actions' and make amends for the guilt to go away. If you try to do that for her, the guilt turns to shame... Then she'll really avoid you. Live well, do right by your kids and she may come around... Does she have a lawyer talking for her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author tidalwave Posted September 10, 2009 Author Share Posted September 10, 2009 No - It's her guilt. She needs to 'own her actions' and make amends for the guilt to go away. If you try to do that for her, the guilt turns to shame... Then she'll really avoid you. Live well, do right by your kids and she may come around... Does she have a lawyer talking for her? yes she has a lawyer talking for her. Link to post Share on other sites
ryepatch Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 damn lawyers. hope i can avoid them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tidalwave Posted September 11, 2009 Author Share Posted September 11, 2009 Feelings aren't right or wrong, good or bad, they just are. What we do with our feelings is what can cause problems. I like that... What does that really mean? does that mean dont act on your feelings or just be careful? i wish i knew what to do with my feelings in this particular situation. Link to post Share on other sites
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