Why do many choose to copy and forgive infidelity?

[samsungxoxo]

Out of those hundreds of people that at first stated on how they will never tolerate that and would walk away fast, when face with that situation, they stayed and cope with the cheater. WHY????

 

Why choose the hard way where they can have it easy by leaving the cheater and never look back. By break up right away, they don't have to deal with ''Will he/she cheat again, why did they do it, do they love me'' etc. those type of questions. Plus it's never the same so why bother?? And on top of that, counseling is a waste of money too..

 

By trying to work it out with the cheater, you're not only wasting your money on a counselor but only your years and life.

 

So that's my question, why do those people wanna complicate themselves when they can have it the easy way?? No I would never ever stayed with a cheater and that's my word...

[Hkizzle]

Pair bonding hormones are extremely powerful, around the same intensity as heroin. It makes some individuals get literally addicted to their bad partners.

 

Anyone that's given advice to a friend with a jerk or a bitch has seen it. It's obvious the bad partner is no good for them, but they have problems leaving.

 

It's literally so powerful for those people to quit their partners is like a drug addict quitting a drug, or an alcoholic quitting alcohol.

 

People need to realize that much of attraction is not logical, but hormonally driven.

[samsungxoxo]

It's literally so powerful for those people to quit their partners is like a drug addict quitting a drug, or an alcoholic quitting alcohol.

People need to realize that much of attraction is not logical, but hormonally driven.

Very true and what they may experienced as still loving their bad partners may be only an obsession of what they want to believe it's like falling in love. It's said that falling in love with your SO is some sort of craziness within your system, esp. the hormones which aren't right at the time...

Because put it this way... It's a completely stranger you are bonding with and sharing intimate stuff. They are not a celebrity nor prince charming not Jennifer Lopez, they are just a normal human being. Your mind just gone crazy, that's all...

[Hkizzle]

Well it's just cause and effect. If I injected your system with heroin everyday for a month, you'll probably become addicted.

 

Happens to some people with regards to people, except the addition is towards a bad partner.

[samsungxoxo]

Well it's just cause and effect. If I injected your system with heroin everyday for a month, you'll probably become addicted.

Happens to some people with regards to people, except the addition is towards a bad partner.

Yes I sure can see that. While I never got cheated on but did get dumped once long time ago last year. Then the following month, he calls me asking me back and me stupidly accepts without putting any rules whatsoever. Now that it's no longer in my system, I can say that I will also never take back a dumper either. Afterall it's their loss.

[JackJack]

Because they are getting something from it.

 

It doesn't matter if its negative, they are still getting something from it. Could be the rush, and drama of it all. Most people do not like drama, BUT if you have a person(s) who has an addiction/obbession with another, then I think that overrides, not wanting drama. I think deep down they truly do want to be set free from this addiction to another, but maybe just not sure how to go about it. It also has to do with very low self esteem and little respect for themselves. I have seen many people, once they change their way of thinking, truly begin to believe they are going to be ok without the other person that caused them pain, and develop some self esteem and respect, completely walk away and be done with that particular situation and person that hurt them. JMO on it.

[ReturnToSender]

Id guess its because not every person, relationship and situation is the same...no matter the similarities, there are variances...so with that, theres no one obvious way to handle a situation.

 

As a teen, when my first bf cheated on me after 2y together, I broke it off immediately. I was 18, had my whole life ahead of me..and figured hes not ready to settle down, and to be honest, neither was I. There was no reason to stay.

 

When my husband cheated, I was in the middle of nowhere on a military post with him. Beyond that he was a great dad to my daughter, and he was very willing to go to counseling to work through it. When he cheated again though, that was it.

 

when my ex bf cheated...well, that whole relationship was very untraditional and wonky from the get go...but when I found out (after 5 years of living together) that he was married and his many "business trips" were to be with his wife...it was over.

 

My bf now..well, we've been together 2 years and I found out recently that he cheated on me about a year ago. Up till I found that out, he was an amazingly great guy, who treated both my daughter and I with a lot of love. It was a complete shock...unlike my ex's, I nor my best friend and sister (the only people Ive told) could believe he would actually do that...

 

We are..were...I dont know now..tring to work past it. Biggest reason being...it happened once months ago, he hasnt failed to treat us well, and he is so angry with himself over the whole thing. I believe he is sincere about what happened and not wanting to do that again.. what we are having a hard time with is hes so angry over the whole thing, and that I found out. He just wants to forget it happened.

 

so yeah, one thing remains constant...me...all 4 guys were different situations, all handled in completely different ways. If relationships were so uncomplicated that one formula fit everyone...there wouldnt be books, workshops, daytime tv, and forums like these to come to in the many hours of need that arise!

[samsungxoxo]

Wow ReturnToSender, 4 cheaters......... Ok that's a record I guess. With your current boyfriend, if you have decided to still stay with him, make sure he not only says sorry and stuff like that but puts action into fixing what he did. Most important he has to answer why he did it in the first place.....

[ReturnToSender]

Wow ReturnToSender, 4 cheaters......... Ok that's a record I guess. With your current boyfriend, if you have decided to still stay with him, make sure he not only says sorry and stuff like that but puts action into fixing what he did. Most important he has to answer why he did it in the first place.....

 

Yeah, I really know how to pick em eh? Im batting 0-4 here...those are all of my major relationships. What you mention is exactly where the problem with us lays right now...he needs to do more than say sorry.

 

Though Ive been through this already...this with him is so much harder than the rest. Unlike with the others, I cant bring myself to hate him...I hate what he did...but not him. Every relationship is different...in its own way.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Yes I sure can see that. While I never got cheated on but did get dumped once long time ago last year. Then the following month, he calls me asking me back and me stupidly accepts without putting any rules whatsoever. Now that it's no longer in my system, I can say that I will also never take back a dumper either. Afterall it's their loss.

 

A good chunk of it is simple rejection syndrome.

[samsungxoxo]

A good chunk of it is simple rejection syndrome.

I guess so. I think it's much harder to say no if dumper asked you back esp. when it was your first and only... But now if that were to happened again, I would say ''No thanks'' without hesitating (even if I was still feeling the way, at the same time it's about self-esteem and loving yourself first).. In fact I'm on my way to being the dumper myself because there isn't that feeling on my system any more. It just isn't there, I only see him as a friend. I can't fake something I don't feel...

[Spectre]

I think people forgive it for a variety of reasons. Could be they don't think they can find anyone better, could be they're simply brainwashing themselves into thinking a person could do that and still love them. Or it could simply be they think they deserved it.

[PandorasBox]

Because they are getting something from it.

 

It doesn't matter if its negative, they are still getting something from it. Could be the rush, and drama of it all. Most people do not like drama, BUT if you have a person(s) who has an addiction/obbession with another, then I think that overrides, not wanting drama. I think deep down they truly do want to be set free from this addiction to another, but maybe just not sure how to go about it. It also has to do with very low self esteem and little respect for themselves. I have seen many people, once they change their way of thinking, truly begin to believe they are going to be ok without the other person that caused them pain, and develop some self esteem and respect, completely walk away and be done with that particular situation and person that hurt them. JMO on it.

 

 

I agree, I think it comes from low self esteem, not feeling worthy, and very little self respect.

[EsmerKiss7]

I think sometimes it really doesn't have anything to do with the sex... People do it for a variety of reasons, if it's just cuz their horndogs and want to get off thats one thing.. but sometimes, especially if you cant be there to fulfill this, they crave intimacy,comfort, the emotional aspect of it.

 

I had a LDR for about 1.5 yrs. We met in like 06, we were friends for about a yr, hooked up and shortly after he was transferred to another state. We were together for 2 yrs, 1.5 of them was LD. Anyway, we had a great relationship, and tried to see each other every month or every 2 months. We talked almost everyday too, but along the lines we couldn't be with each other as much as we wanted. He cheated on me, and well i'm no nun, I cheated on him too (towards the end).

 

Just because I cheated doesn't mean I didn't love him or didn't want to be with him, I was just depressed cuz I was always alone I wanted someone to connect with, even just hold me. Don't get me wrong I felt guilty as sh**, because I really wanted to be with him, but seeing it from both sides I can see why it happens sometimes. I used to say I would never cheat and never could understand why some people do but than I was put in those shoes, and I can understand now.

 

I'm not saying it's ok, I wish I never had but I can see how sometimes people are pushed to that. We both knew, and the funny thing is thats not why we broke up. Anyway, we're still friends and he and I both know we can always count on each other.

[Dexter Morgan]

Out of those hundreds of people that at first stated on how they will never tolerate that and would walk away fast, when face with that situation, they stayed and cope with the cheater. WHY????

 

I can only guess, since I'll dump a cheater without a 2nd thought, that they stay with their cheater out of desperation...thinking they can't get anyone better.....don't want the hassles of moving out....etc. all sorts of stupid reasons out there to stay with a cheater and I think that most that stay are thinking of one of these types of reasons.

 

then there are the ones that say they love their cheater:sick:. really...whats to f####n' love?

 

 

Why choose the hard way where they can have it easy by leaving the cheater and never look back. By break up right away, they don't have to deal with ''Will he/she cheat again, why did they do it, do they love me'' etc. those type of questions. Plus it's never the same so why bother?? And on top of that, counseling is a waste of money too..

 

eggs-friggin-zactly!!!!

 

 

By trying to work it out with the cheater, you're not only wasting your money on a counselor but only your years and life.

 

again, right on.

 

 

So that's my question, why do those people wanna complicate themselves when they can have it the easy way?? No I would never ever stayed with a cheater and that's my word...

 

 

now there are some on this board that will say they have too many years "invested" to just throw it all away. I can sort of see that, but I still say there is a better life out there for them.

[samsungxoxo]

then there are the ones that say they love their cheater:sick:. really...whats to f####n' love?

Yes I don't get that. How can you love being treated like the last on the priority list unless you're a masochist (meaning you enjoy being hurt, humiliated, treated badly, etc..). It can't be love. I'm guessing it must be that they love the idea of not being alone...

[So_Sick78]

I agree with Dexter, I stayed with my cheater because I was "invested" and believed there was no one else better than him.

 

But I know now if the next person I am with cheats, I am gone. It's not worth it, but I guess it also depends on the situation and the relationship the person is in and if the cheater accepts full responsibility and is truly remorseful.

[audrey_1]

This one is tricky for me.

 

I've only (that I know of) been cheated on a gazillion times by my high school boyfriend, which is completely understandable. Why does anyone think that having a "serious" relationship at age 17 is a good idea?! I called it off and went on my way, and he would pursue me relentlessly trying to get me back. So silly. I never considered dating seriously until my mid-twenties, when I got into a relationship with my ex-fiancee.

 

Fast forward to my LDR that ended over a year ago, now in my mid-thirties. He didn't really cheat on me, since we were never officially in a relationship, but he did admit to me that he was "worried about the distance" and wanted to see someone a couple times a week, have a "normal" relationship. Plus, he hates the major metro where I live. Only after I found out he was seeing someone did I remove myself from the situation. I don't like being one of many. Call it pride.

 

But now, I may be moving where he is, as I have family/friends there and have been unemployed for a few months without finding a job here in the city, despite my best efforts. It seems like a good option, since I can't afford the lifestyle I've been accustomed to. Maybe hometown networking could present an opportunity.

 

I've been wondering if I could/should/would become involved with him again, given the opportunity we could have actually living in the same place, or if it's even an option - from his perspective. Could I suck up the pride knowing that he was willing to let me go for something quicker and easier? Or does it even matter, that what's broken over distance is still broken?

[harmfulsweetz]

There's so many reasons, some have been aforementioned, others not. Yes, there are no doubt droves of people who stay in a relationship where their partner has cheated out of desperation, low self esteem, not believing there's anyone else out there that would want them, or simply because they have so much time invested (but that's throwing good money away with the bad).

 

Yet, no one has looked at some obvious reasons. They may love their partner, truly, honestly, not because they are so low on themselves they accept crap, but because there's more to their relationship, than sex, than the physical. To be with that person is to work through trials and tribulations, and being with that person, means hard work and effort. Anything worth having is worth fighting for. People cock up. (sorry excuse the expression). If it's a one off, they admit to it, come clean, and vow never to do it again, and show in their words AND actions their remorse, they may deserve a second chance. Things can be worked on, not every situation is black and white. It's not just about time they've spent with the person, it's about the heart they've put in, you can't always just stop loving someone. It of course takes time, but as does anything. They shouldn't have messed up like that, but do you give up on all the good times for the sake of a physical indiscretion? Do you throw away what you had, have with that person for something which was wrong, and they are deeply sorry for? Love isn't always something you can walk away from, people shouldn't be so naive with their reasoning. Why is it always down to low self esteem etc? Why can't it be a mature, reasoned response, well thought out, balanced and in the end, they realise what they have is more than that mistake?

Would I stay with a cheater? If I loved them, and they loved me, and were sorry and prepared to make it work and work damn hard for it, then yes. I'd give it my best shot. It would hurt, it wouldn't be easy, there'd be times when I would want to quit and take the easy road-but good things come out of hard work, if my R was worth being in the first place, then it'd be damn well worth staying to try and fix it. It wouldn't ever be the same, no, but love isn't a tap we can just switch off when it suits.

[samsungxoxo]

Wow..... harmfulsweetz, that is a very powerful perspective. While it still doesn't make sense if were to stay with a cheater, the way your word it kind of makes sense too at the same time...

Yes I see the point where you love the person so much that you want to work through it. I think I'm assuming how my reaction will be, call it ''Booting'' system due to the fact that I'm either must be an impatience person at times, do not like being one of those ''jealous girls'', don't like asking too much, and I don't even know what's it like being a BS (betrayed spouse) since I never been in that position.

 

I can imagine, being cheated on would then require me to changed to a somewhat jealous girl, ask question and you know totally changed my personality and I'm not that type of woman. But I guess I should never say never since I never had first hand experience on that....