ex-boyfriend/friend...

[sunstarr]

my exboyfriend and i are really pretty good friends. We went out for 7 months, then have been broken up for the last 9 months. We usually during this break up period, saw eachother at least once a week, slept together about every 2 weeks or less, we go to dinner together, hang out. I was just starting to wonder if there is still more there and that we should try getting back together. Neither of us is interested in someone else either. Our breakup wasn't some big blowout either...it just resulted from neither of us really knowing much about being in a relationship and too much time together over the summer. It just confuses me because he'll act so caring sometimes and we'll start to get close again and then he'll get all scared(though i'm sure he wouldn't admit it) and breaks off everything for a little while. Then it starts all over again. I don't know what to do...is he afraid of caring about me again? I don't know if it's normal to still stay soooo close and affectionate to someone if you don't really care about them(or so he says). So many people hear me say..."yeah, my ex and i are really good friends, we hang out a lot and go to dinner and talk, and we get along really well." Then they usually say, well why don't you guys get back together? I say, "i don't know"

 

I don't know where his issues come from..but he always was pretty scared of commitment, partially because his parents divorced...i don't know what to think and any advice would be appreciated.

 

Thanks, Sunstarr

[D.]

I do not know the age of your nor your ex-boyfriend with whom you are now "good friends only". That does make a difference in the respect that I am unaware of how much dating either one of you has done or how it went for him in his past relations regarding the fear to commit.

 

From what you have described: "he'll act so caring sometimes and we'll start to get close again and then he'll get all scared(though i'm sure he wouldn't admit it) and breaks off everything for a little while. Then it starts all over again." That speaks volumes. Yes he does have issues. I do not know if they are regarding his relationship being with YOU and if he any of his fears stem from certain aspects of you and he. OR ... because his parents are divorced.

 

Depending on his age and experince in number of relationships since his parents divorce added to the manner in which those relationships began, how they ran course and how they ended ..... that could tell a lot as to what kind of issues he is expreriencing.

 

It very much sounds as though you are NOT broken up from that which you describe.

 

In a word: Communication. Try to get him to relate his feelings of fear to you so that you can sort out their origin. If you have very strong feelings for him and wish to stay with him, you would be doing both of you a huge favor. If he will not talk to you about his issues, try to convince him to receive counceling of some kind ... NOT that he is a mental case ... no not at all ... Just so that he can get an objective view from a professional as to what is going on and how he can help himself.

 

Now, if his conduct continues to present itself and he does not seek corrective help, PLEASE do yourself a HUGE favor. Start seeing other guys. Sweetie, this could go on for years and years if you allow it. DON'T allow it! The problem must either be resolved for the sake of happiness for you both, or YOU MUST MOVE ON to some fellow who will be ultimately willing to commit to you.

 

Honestly, Sun, don't let this go on for another year unresolved. Life is too far to short, goes by so very quickly and you may be passing up some really golden opportunities waiting for this boyfriend to straighen out emotionally.

 

D.