Person Who Stays vs Person Who Leaves

[Ingenue]

I recently had a conversation with my bf about LDRs and whether the person who stays is in a better position or the person who leaves. He was of the belief that the person who leaves for another city is in a better emotional place because that person can forge new memories, can be distracted by learning a new city, can look forward to new friends, events, careers. This, he said was in contrast to the person who stays behind and has to confront the same daily routine, which can sometimes trigger sadness because of the memories.

 

I was wondering whether any of you had opinions on this. I think both are difficult regardless of whether you stayed or left. As the person who stayed, I have in the past few days been confronted with some of those memories when I pass by certain places or see certain things.

[New Again]

I recently had a conversation with my bf about LDRs and whether the person who stays is in a better position or the person who leaves. He was of the belief that the person who leaves for another city is in a better emotional place because that person can forge new memories, can be distracted by learning a new city, can look forward to new friends, events, careers. This, he said was in contrast to the person who stays behind and has to confront the same daily routine, which can sometimes trigger sadness because of the memories.

 

I was wondering whether any of you had opinions on this. I think both are difficult regardless of whether you stayed or left. As the person who stayed, I have in the past few days been confronted with some of those memories when I pass by certain places or see certain things.

I don't understand how this situation is the least bit hard AT ALL for the person who stays?

 

Unless I'm totally reading this wrong. You mean like your relationship BECOMES LD?

[KikiW]

I think I understand what you mean, and I think there is some truth to it.

 

For instance, my SO is moving to me just as soon as he can find a new job here. While he is sad about what he will be leaving behind, he is very much looking forward to trying something new, starting school here (he wants to go back for higher education in a related field and there are excellent schools here, but nothing near him), and of course starting a life with me.

 

I, on the other hand, am obviously very familiar with the area, I come with some local friends already, but also will be dealing with an ex-husband and his new girlfriend on a fairly regular basis (not a horrible thing, just fact), ex-in-laws (again, not a horrible thing), etc. While familiar can be good, I can see how it could also be considered some "baggage" as well.

 

to be perfectly honest, my SO had suggested and I would have jumped completely at the chance to move somewhere that NEITHER of us had lived before, except that I have a daughter in grade school and her dad and I have a 50/50 custody split - I refuse to remove her from his vicinity, nor can I leave her. I felt it was extremely important her wellbeing to remain local (and I admit I carry a lot of baggage from my experience of my parents' divorce, which also affects my decision).

 

I am very lucky in that my SO understands and accepts my feelings and is willing to move here, but we have discussed at length moving elsewhere when my daughter finishes high school.

 

Long message, hope I got to the point

[Ingenue]

I don't understand how this situation is the least bit hard AT ALL for the person who stays?

 

Unless I'm totally reading this wrong. You mean like your relationship BECOMES LD?

 

For example, my bf and I lived in the same city before he moved away. We just became LD. Prior to that, we had certain habits. I would stay at his place and he'd stay at mine. We'd go to our favourite ice cream shop or favourite book store. Now, when I see those places and walk past them, I'm hit with a pang of nostalgia and memories of when we would go to them together, except, he's no longer in the city and I'm going to them alone. He though, has none of this to deal with. For him, the city he moved to is new. And while he might be lonely at first, he'll find new places to visit, and make new friends and make new memories. Whereas I just keep on seeing the old ones.

[New Again]

For example, my bf and I lived in the same city before he moved away. We just became LD. Prior to that, we had certain habits. I would stay at his place and he'd stay at mine. We'd go to our favourite ice cream shop or favourite book store. Now, when I see those places and walk past them, I'm hit with a pang of nostalgia and memories of when we would go to them together, except, he's no longer in the city and I'm going to them alone. He though, has none of this to deal with. For him, the city he moved to is new. And while he might be lonely at first, he'll find new places to visit, and make new friends and make new memories. Whereas I just keep on seeing the old ones.

 

Gotcha. At first I read the OP as you're in a LDR and one person leaves their home to move to be with the other person.

[Island Girl]

I don't understand how this situation is the least bit hard AT ALL for the person who stays?

 

Unless I'm totally reading this wrong. You mean like your relationship BECOMES LD?

 

Yes.

 

The situation sometimes is that the relationship is forged while in the same place and through some circumstance goes into a LDR because the two people involved do not want to break up.

[Island Girl]

There are relationships that begin while in the same place and then go LD.

 

In reading the original post - this is the circumstance I understood was being referred to.

 

In that case on person remains in the same place where the relationship began. All of the memories of doing things together are all around and the other person goes to a new place where there are no shared memories.

 

The same memories that are painful are comforting as well. They serve as a reminder that time WAS spent together and it was real. Feelings of that time and place can be conjured up and although a twinge of pain may be felt those physical memories can be held on to for strength as well.

 

The person going to the new place has only those thoughts to hold on to.

Everything and everyone is new. No one is a refuge of comfort.

Nothing is a routine - and we all know routine can be comforting.

 

For me, I have people here who have known us as a couple. They know me and they know him. When I speak about him or the relationship they have recall of how he is and a reference point.

 

For him, no one there really knows me. During the course of the relationship they have met me and they have spent time with me. But he is alone in his knowing of me. He is alone with no one to talk to about our relationship - not one person can be a sounding board for him but he has done quite well without it.

 

When I have visited he has taken me everywhere to do everything. Often he'd just watch me as if trying to take in every detail. Once I asked him about this and he told me he was "making memories". That told me that he was more alone there than I had been in the house we shared where I could "see" him in the kitchen or walking to the bathroom to take a shower.

 

So I think both are painful in different ways. I can't say which is worse.

[mytigerlily]

Hi. I believe the situation would really depends on how emotionally they are. If they are both emotionally not stable, I guess long distance relationship would be really hard for them. But if that is not the case, then that would be fine. They can survive long distance relationship.

[Island Girl]

If they are both emotionally not stable, I guess long distance relationship would be really hard for them.

 

Long distance relationships are hard for everyone emotionally stable or not.

[Spirit of the Ocean]

Having being in both situations I found being the person who left easier than being the person being left behind. However, that probably doesnt reeally count as I left to go back home to see my family and friends. I hadn't seen my friends in almost 2 years and I had a lot of catching up to do. My SO found it really hard, I had never seen him being so emotional! Having said that, I still missed him and still found time to talk to him everyday.

 

Being the person left behind was excrutiating! Everything reminded me of him, walking down the streets reminded me of shops and restaurants we used to go together etc. It wasn't as bad for him inititally - he was in a new place, trying to settle in, learning new things and he didn't have time to miss home as much. Then he settled in and then it hit him and that's when it became really hard for him.

 

I agree with IG anyway, LDR's are not easy, no matter how strong how emotionally strong you are. It's never really fun being away from the person you love!

[sspiegel22]

some very nice perspective on both sides of the coin Island girl and Spirit of the ocean

 

I am in a relationship that started together and then went LD and speaking only as the person who stayed ... i can only say how it feels for me and that is its very hard doing all the things that at one point we would have done together now doing them alone .. and it is a constant reminder that we are apart ...and i find its actually the smallest things, all those little memories that sting the most ... there is deff a feeling of abandonment..at least thats how i feel ..

 

But i dont doubt that is very hard being the person that left either ... There is a certain lonliness that comes from leaving everything you know and love .... so i am sure its hard for them as well

[Ingenue]

I was definitely feeling abandoned yesterday for some idiotic reason. As I passed by all of our old haunts, all I thought of was that they weren't "our" places anymore, they're just places that I visit, alone. I'm sure in a few weeks it won't feel so acute.

[kittie s.]

I am experiencing this situation also. We started our relationship (we lived an hour apart in the beginning, but saw each other almost every day anyway!) and spent most of our time in his city. I even got my job there...but unfortunately he had to move because of his job situation...and I was still working there. I got laid off from that job about four months after he moved...but now I've got two cities I wish I could avoid (ha) mine AND his...because there are memories and nostalgia all over the place.

 

I know it is soo hard for both of the members of the LDR but the one that stays in the original place might have a few more things to cope with. I couldn't even go into the stores we frequented because it felt so lonesome...and we knew many of the people in his city. The last thing I want is a question like "where's your b/f??" or "is your b/f at work today?" All that will do is cause the "waterworks" to start running out of my eyes like crazy. So those four months I was driving to his former city for my job were probably the hardest ever. I didn't even stop anywhere other than a fast food place to grab something to eat for my lunch break. I absolutely avoided his house or any roads leading to it as much as possible.