Sex Addiction

[AngryinColorado]

Has anyone here dealt with the cheating spouse having a sex addiction? My husband seems to be almost compulsive about sex. When we were dating he wanted to have sex 3-5 times a day in addition to the 3-4 times a day that he masterbated. He said it was stress relieving for him. I thought it was just puppy love, but looking back I think they were signs of a problem.

 

When I got pregnant I realized that he was really into porn. He watches some kind of porn every day. Since we started having problems, I now know he also has profiles on sex dating sites.

 

When he was cheating on me, he was having sex with multiple partners. At one time (this came out in counseling yesterday) he had sex with 6 different women in one day. Each at a different time!

 

This isn't normal cheating. Am I off base to think that something is really wrong with him?

[Vlad]

Has anyone here dealt with the cheating spouse having a sex addiction? My husband seems to be almost compulsive about sex. When we were dating he wanted to have sex 3-5 times a day in addition to the 3-4 times a day that he masterbated. He said it was stress relieving for him. I thought it was just puppy love, but looking back I think they were signs of a problem.

 

When I got pregnant I realized that he was really into porn. He watches some kind of porn every day. Since we started having problems, I now know he also has profiles on sex dating sites.

 

When he was cheating on me, he was having sex with multiple partners. At one time (this came out in counseling yesterday) he had sex with 6 different women in one day. Each at a different time!

 

This isn't normal cheating. Am I off base to think that something is really wrong with him?

 

There is nothing wrong with him, the only problem is you should have never marry a guy like that or he should have never merry anyone, unless there is a girl out there that is willing to have sex with him 6 times a day and still get cheated on.

[JamesM]

Yes, there is something wrong with him.

 

But you cannot fix him. If he cannot remain faithful, then I am afraid it is over.

[Vlad]

Yes, there is something wrong with him.

 

But you cannot fix him. If he cannot remain faithful, then I am afraid it is over.

 

Just cause he can have sex 6 times a day and you cant doesn't mean there is something wrong with the guy.

[Enema]

Agree with James, definitely sounds like there's a problem.

 

It's not your job to fix it either. He needs to make the effort and get help all on his own. Until he's shown that he's different, he wouldn't be my husband.

[AngryinColorado]

Vlad---We had no issues with the sexual frequency. When I got pregnant he said he wasn't "into" pregnant women. That was when he started running around sleeping with a bunch of different women.

 

After I had the baby and lost all the weight (and then some from the stress) he was still seeing other women and lying about it.

 

Interesting that you assume that the problem was with me.

 

My question was, is it normal for a man to be able to physically have sex 3-5 times a day AND masterbate 3-4 times a day. EVERYDAY.

 

His explanation is that he is just really horny and can't help it. He says he hid his appetite for other women from me because he thought he could "curb his appetite" and learn to be satisfied with just one woman. Says he is better than he used to be because at his worst he was juggling 35-40 women at a time. Having sex with 3 or 4 different women a day.

 

He hid all this from me until well after we had been together. He would still be hiding it if I hadn't gone snooping. He is almost 40...it just doesn't seem like a normal sex drive to me.

[Lizzie60]

WOW... there is a problem.. what does the councellor thinks?

[AngryinColorado]

She didn't make a judgement yet. The interesting twist here is that ever since I told him that we needed to seperate our lives and move on he has no sex drive at all.

 

Nothing not even masterbation. it's like his sexuality has an on/all or off/none switch.

 

He isn't even happy enough with women willing to give him sex. He goes out of his way to get these women to fall in love with him. When they do--he ignores them. The more they chase him the more he ignores them.

 

As soon as they leave him alone and start to move on, he goes barrelling back and seducing them back in.

 

The irony is not lost on me that this is how is is with me as well. When I asked him why did he go out of his way to be with and marry me--his response was this:

 

I knew I wanted to marry you and spend my life with you, I just wasn't ready to settle down yet. Because I was such a late bloomer (lost viginity at 25 to his first wife) I am still trying to experience different women/sex acts/etc.

 

I knew if I didn't marry you and have a baby you'd leave me before I could fix myself and settle down.

 

WTF is that???

[Jennifer26]

Yes, it most certainly sounds like your husband has a sexual addiction.

 

My husband's issue has been more with pornography, although there has been a strip club incidence, an emotional affair, and me catching him checking out craigslist hooker ad's. I've had three counselors tell me they feel my husband has an addiction going on when it comes to sex/porn. Although, my husband didn't used to want to sleep with me, and preferred porn.

 

Most men I spoke with thought I was being ridiculous. Obviously, I must be unattractive, or boring in bed for my husband to not want to sleep with me. And of course, men like variety too.

 

My issue was never him looking at porn, but choosing porn over ME and doing so most days. It was killing our marriage, he knew this too, yet he admitted he could not stop, not even for a week.

 

Anyway - it was my husband's issue to fix and the same applies to you. For many years I tried to 'fix' my husband. I tried ultimatums, I yelled, I cried, I thought if he only knew how much he was hurting me. We went to counseling, I went to counseling. I went on medications to deal with the anxiety, and low self esteem I'd developed.

 

Nothing changed.

 

I came across the COSA website. I started reading codependency material and applying it to my marriage and life. I had my husband change his password on his computer to something I could never guess. I stopped snooping. I had to really try hard to not think about what he was doing.

 

I began exploring my own interests, taking better care of me, going to that spa and not feeling guilty over it. It felt and still feels so wonderful to not worry about or try to fix my husband's issues.

 

For whatever reason, my doing this triggered my husband to change on his own. For years I tried and got no where, but once I stopped being codependent to his addiction, it helped him change somehow. There are weeks he comes to me every night for sex, sometimes it's only a few times. But never less than that (we used to go weeks on end w/o being intimate prior). He tells me he seldom looks at porn these days, although I never ask, and I don't care to verify. I have noticed the change in our marriage though.

 

I never planned for it to help him though, I did it for myself and I am glad that I did.

 

In your case, because there has been known physical cheating, I would not sleep with you husband without a condom for your safety. I would look into COSA's website as well.

 

I would also consider your husband may never change, and decide if you can live with that or not.

[mem11363]

Jennifer,

As a man I will tell you that you are 100 percent right to insist that your husband fully satisfy you sexually before he gets into the self gratification business. If his desire levels exceed yours and he has some overflow desire - ok. But for him to ignore your needs is just plain wrong. The way you handled it is "textbook".

 

I stopped with the porn 3+ years ago. Now I only have sexual experiences with my wife. I never touch myself. The thing is, I would rather wait because then when we do connect it feels so much better and more intense.

 

She and I are both 46.

 

 

 

 

Yes, it most certainly sounds like your husband has a sexual addiction.

 

My husband's issue has been more with pornography, although there has been a strip club incidence, an emotional affair, and me catching him checking out craigslist hooker ad's. I've had three counselors tell me they feel my husband has an addiction going on when it comes to sex/porn. Although, my husband didn't used to want to sleep with me, and preferred porn.

 

Most men I spoke with thought I was being ridiculous. Obviously, I must be unattractive, or boring in bed for my husband to not want to sleep with me. And of course, men like variety too.

 

My issue was never him looking at porn, but choosing porn over ME and doing so most days. It was killing our marriage, he knew this too, yet he admitted he could not stop, not even for a week.

 

Anyway - it was my husband's issue to fix and the same applies to you. For many years I tried to 'fix' my husband. I tried ultimatums, I yelled, I cried, I thought if he only knew how much he was hurting me. We went to counseling, I went to counseling. I went on medications to deal with the anxiety, and low self esteem I'd developed.

 

Nothing changed.

 

I came across the COSA website. I started reading codependency material and applying it to my marriage and life. I had my husband change his password on his computer to something I could never guess. I stopped snooping. I had to really try hard to not think about what he was doing.

 

I began exploring my own interests, taking better care of me, going to that spa and not feeling guilty over it. It felt and still feels so wonderful to not worry about or try to fix my husband's issues.

 

For whatever reason, my doing this triggered my husband to change on his own. For years I tried and got no where, but once I stopped being codependent to his addiction, it helped him change somehow. There are weeks he comes to me every night for sex, sometimes it's only a few times. But never less than that (we used to go weeks on end w/o being intimate prior). He tells me he seldom looks at porn these days, although I never ask, and I don't care to verify. I have noticed the change in our marriage though.

 

I never planned for it to help him though, I did it for myself and I am glad that I did.

 

In your case, because there has been known physical cheating, I would not sleep with you husband without a condom for your safety. I would look into COSA's website as well.

 

I would also consider your husband may never change, and decide if you can live with that or not.

[Devil Inside]

Sounds like he has a sex addiction.

 

So here is where it gets difficult...this is going to be a very long haul. He uses sex compulsively to avoid difficult emotions. Emotions that may be there from childhood issues. In other words...it is going to take a lot of work for him to recover from this. The addiction itself is only the tip of the iceberg..only the compulsion...the real issues is that this is a dysfunctional coping mechanism he uses because of his dysregulated emotions.

 

So is he working a recovery program? Are you willing to stand by him as he goes through it? What is your limit?

 

It is very difficult...like living with any kind of addict. It may be triggering codependent issues that you have...did you grow up in a home with addictions or abusive parents?

 

A lot of tough issues and a long road is ahead...be sure that you are honest with yourself about how much you can take...before you do what you have to for your sake and for your baby.

[JamesM]

Just cause he can have sex 6 times a day and you cant doesn't mean there is something wrong with the guy.

 

Thankfully others can read better than you can. This is not about me.

 

When a man cheats with six different women in the same day, then there are a number of problems including sex addiction.

 

Honestly, I think he will need to do a complete turnaround if this marriage is to survive.

 

And then the question is...do you want it to survive?

[LakesideDream]

Is there really such a thing as sex addiction? Or is it just another way to bill insurance companies?

 

Regardless. Men who want sex all the time, with anything that they can have poor impulse control. I'm willing to bet it extends to other facets of his life. In the grocery store, hobbies, cars, ... goes way beyond what's reasonable.

 

He's spoiled, and a narcissist to be sure. Probably a phsyco-sexual sociopath as well. I wouldn't waste a lot more time with this one. Phsycopaths are incurable.

[2sure]

Yes, my serial cheating H is right now trying to claim, with the support of a therapist ...that he has an addiction.

 

So f'g what? Thats puts meeeee....where? He is ill and I'm ...what? An unsupportive spouse, a victim? Which one and no thanks to both roles.

Addiction or Narcissism whatever you want to call it , lack of empathy, self esteem and intimacy issues....

 

This type of infidelity is Malicious.

[silic0ntoad]

Yes, my serial cheating H is right now trying to claim, with the support of a therapist ...that he has an addiction.

 

So f'g what? Thats puts meeeee....where? He is ill and I'm ...what? An unsupportive spouse, a victim? Which one and no thanks to both roles.

Addiction or Narcissism whatever you want to call it , lack of empathy, self esteem and intimacy issues....

 

This type of infidelity is Malicious.

 

 

Not to sound contrite, but sex addicition is a real thing... Not all men are cheating bazterds. It's a legit sickness that affects both MEN and WOMEN.

[2sure]

Oh yes, I have no doubt that it is a true mental condition. A combination of many things that manifest themselves into a mental affliction, illness, addiction. However.

 

He can drive a car, hold a job, speak in front of crowds, negotiate million dollar deals, write long and passionate essays on various subjects. I'm pretty sure, with just a little effort or even discretion he could control his illness to some degree or at the very least seek some help for it when it becomes a physical and emotional threat to the people he loves the most.

 

Its like not blaming the driver who killed your family because...he's been an alcoholic for years.

[LakesideDream]

Not to sound contrite, but sex addicition is a real thing... Not all men are cheating bazterds. It's a legit sickness that affects both MEN and WOMEN.

 

 

Using the info in this thread your position sounds untendable. Six different women in a day? This is a complete lack of impulse control.

 

I wonder what physical symptoms are exhibited by a "sex addict" in withdrawl?

 

It's a dubious contention at best. At worst, a fraud presenting itself as an addiction as an excuse for bad behavior. "Addiction" is a mitigating factor in misdeeds. There is also the OP's husbands making excuses. Not "into" pregnant women, But what do I know?

 

I don't totally reject the possibility of "sex addiction", I'm just dubious.

[redtail]

Oh yes, I have no doubt that it is a true mental condition. A combination of many things that manifest themselves into a mental affliction, illness, addiction. However.

 

2Sure, the breadth and depth of your posts seems to have increased lately...

[Athena]

I knew if I didn't marry you and have a baby you'd leave me before I could fix myself and settle down.

 

WTF is that???

 

Deceit