Spreading out from the infidelity forum

[eeyore1981]

to come in here. I told H a couple of days ago I want him to find another place to live.

I feel like making a post in here is taking a huge step, is that weird?

 

Right now I am sick to my stomach, I am shaking, and I am dripping tears off and on.

 

I know with time this will get better. I am just hoping people in here will talk to me, because right now I feel like screaming until my throat bleeds.

[phineas]

I hear ya & welcome.

Posting here is a step.

People will help you figure things out.

That much I can say.

It just takes time.

 

I'm about 9 months from suspecting, 6 months from proof & 3 months from deciding to pull the plug.

 

People at work are asking what's going on because they have noticed a change in my regular demeaner & fitness level. They say I look good & look happy. Better & happier than i've been in a long while.

Guess I was a big 'ole sourpuss for a long while at work. I only realized on the really bad days.

 

Hopefully those are behind me.

 

The people here helped me. maybe not directly but just reading everyone else's thread & jumping in here & there helped a lot.

 

I'll hope over to that other forum & take a look at your thread.

[floridapad]

Welcome! Many people in here have been cheated upon, including myself. It's a horrible thing to happen. I'm sure you have gone through that in the infidelity forum though but feel free to vent. There are alot of insightful people in here (I'm not one of them). Share your background and Bomb drop day and periods after. Why are you thinking of divorce (yeah stupid question but everyone needs to hear it from you)? What's H's attitude on the infidelity? Is he MLC? Is he committed to the marriage? Anything that gives us a bit of background about the situation and your thoughts and feelings. Don't be afraid to write pages. I feel for you and the emotional rollercoaster you have been on. I've learned alot from people in here and it really helps me heal.

[soheartbroken]

I am sorry for what you are going through. Post away!

[HappyAgain]

Welcome. I really resonated with your previous post. It's 16 months post the day I told my ex to leave. I know exactly how you are feeling right now - the doubt is starting to set in whether you did the right thing or not. It took me about two months before the doubts started to bother me. But, in my opinion, talk to us here, talk to your RL friends and family but do not let the doubts get to you. We all go through it because it is such a major change to our lives and it is an unknown avenue compared to what we have known for a long time in the marriage. Talk to your husband if he contacts you (try to limit the contact) but do not give in to your fears. Learn to stand on your own for a while first. Initailly after the breakup is undoubtablely the hardest time and is the time that many of us usually break and go back to the bad situation. My ex never once tried to contact me after we broke up and I hated him at the time for making me feel so disposable but now I can say that I would thank him for that because it made me face all my fears immediately and through sheer stubbornness I never made any attempt to contact him and dealt with those fears and doubts - loneliness, finances, job security, and all the rest. You will do it too but it won't be a ride in the park at the beginning.

[eeyore1981]

My story, as briefly as possible.

 

I don't want a divorce because I love my husband very much, but I can't do this anymore.

 

If it was possible to wipe out his affair and his never-ending lies about his affair, our marriage would be great, fantastic, maybe even one of the great love stories of all time. Too bad it's not possible.

 

December would be 25 years married, 26 together. Most of them haven't been good years. The ones that were good, however, again, were great. Most of them could have been great, if he hadn't been so determined time after time to ruin it, screw it up, sabatoge it, etc.

 

It's been 2 years since I found out about his affair. I have decided 2 years is more than enough time for full disclosure. Living with a man I cannot trust to go to the damn store without me for fear he will run into his ex skank and get all warm and fuzzy with her then lie to me about it is long enough. I am a prisoner trying to make a marriage work with no trust, and I just can't handle it anymore. I have been trying to clean my living room for a week, and am too depressed to do it. I have cut off almost all contact from my friends because I don't want them to see me like this.

 

I hurt so much, and making the decision to end this has hurt even more, but there has got to be an end to this somewhere. It's been 2 years, I can't kid myself years 3 and 4 are going to be any better.

 

I don't want to do a super long post, so will add more details if needed. I know I have to do this, but I feel like I am giving up everything, and it is so hard. It's not just the marriage, my kids are all just recently grown up, and I have to move away from here, so I'm losing them, too, in a way. My heart is broken in so many pieces.

[ryepatch]

hey,

 

just want to say don't hide from your friends. now is a golden opportunity to find out which of them are truly your friends, which of them care enough to hang with you in your lowest moments.

 

i know the feelinng, though. i'm starting to worry my friends are getting sick of me saying the same things over and over to them on the phone. . .

[eeyore1981]

hey,

 

just want to say don't hide from your friends. now is a golden opportunity to find out which of them are truly your friends, which of them care enough to hang with you in your lowest moments.

 

i know the feelinng, though. i'm starting to worry my friends are getting sick of me saying the same things over and over to them on the phone. . .

 

I wish it were that easy. "I have always depended on the kindness of strangers."

I don't have many friends anymore, and close friends, maybe two. Both of them are MM, one is my BIL (husband's brother). Can't really go to either one of them. Ha, I just realized my H suspects I am having an affair with the other MM. He has made several comments, which I took as just more of his bs manipulation, and then a few days ago right before I told him I wanted him to leave he said something about this guy (who is also his friend) very angrily and snarkily and I realized he REALLY thinks this. Jerk.

Most of my life I have bent over backwards to be there for my friends. No matter what they were going through, good times and bad, I stuck by them, with them, etc. So many times people told me they couldn't have made it through whatever without my help and support, which was embarrassing to me. Almost 10 years ago my daughter was murdered, and I was abandoned. This still hurts so much. The only way I got through it was with help from an online forum, I had little to no support in RL. Another one of my husband's sterling moments, he wanted to have sex, I said no, he said, "It's been 2 weeks, get over it!" His step-daughter, BTW. Jerk.

It is so difficult for me now to have a friendship where I feel I can share any unpleasantness. I no longer would know how to accept support from a RL person if it were even offered.

[floridapad]

My story, as briefly as possible.

 

I don't want a divorce because I love my husband very much, but I can't do this anymore.

(No one wants a divorce. But no one wants a marriage where there is no trust. I tried for 9 months and it was horrible. You may still love him and he may even love you but if he is not willing to work through his affair in MC or IC then it seems pointless for you to try.)

 

If it was possible to wipe out his affair and his never-ending lies about his affair, our marriage would be great, fantastic, maybe even one of the great love stories of all time. Too bad it's not possible.

 

(No it's not possible to wipe out the memories of the affair or his lies (They will fade). My W did the same thing and kept lieing and lieing. Can there be healing? Yes I truly believe so and I truly believe in happy endings after these but they require ALOT of work from BOTH parties. I unfortunately did all the wrong things after her affair (paranoid, blew up, acted completely insecure), but My wife never gave me the security or love I needed after that period even though she said she tried. I realized that I had to create my own happiness and "act" as if to the W. I had to focus on my self first to make that happen. Very tough to do when your paranoid. Unfortunately she broke the No contact rule with the OM and we seperated that day).

 

December would be 25 years married, 26 together. Most of them haven't been good years. The ones that were good, however, again, were great. Most of them could have been great, if he hadn't been so determined time after time to ruin it, screw it up, sabatoge it, etc.

(Relationships are a two way street. I'm definately sure he has his issues. No doubt about it if he was having an affair. Affairs can be a mixed blessing though if you chose it to be. After my wifes affair I focused on all of MY issues in the relationship. My faults. My inadequecies. I learned about myself so if we did divorce I would be able to walk away knowing that I would be a better person. What I'm saying as blunt as it may sound or as unfair as you may think (afterall HE is the one who had the affair right??), use this time to focus on yourself and your side of the relationship and your issues in ALL of your relationships (past, present future) and starting acting on that growth..for yourself not for your H or your arriage). It's a win win. If you do decide to stay and stick it out a while longer you will be able to put out a better product for your husband which may intrigue him or if you decide to leave the man you will be able to be a better person for your future boyfriend or husband).

 

It's been 2 years since I found out about his affair. I have decided 2 years is more than enough time for full disclosure. Living with a man I cannot trust to go to the damn store without me for fear he will run into his ex skank and get all warm and fuzzy with her then lie to me about it is long enough. I am a prisoner trying to make a marriage work with no trust, and I just can't handle it anymore. I have been trying to clean my living room for a week, and am too depressed to do it. I have cut off almost all contact from my friends because I don't want them to see me like this.

 

(As I said I was in your situation for 9 months, but the only thing that kept me going was learning about myself. I OFTEN found myself overly focused on her and our marriage (hard not to I know), but the only times I had true happiness is when I focused on learning about ME. It's an incredible feeling when you try. It can be painful though because you need to be honest with yourself about your faults and imperfections. This is the ONLY way you can learn and grow and be better. Don't be afraid to truly examine your entire history and how you acted and behaved in ALL of your relationships since you were a kid.)

 

I hurt so much, and making the decision to end this has hurt even more, but there has got to be an end to this somewhere. It's been 2 years, I can't kid myself years 3 and 4 are going to be any better.

 

(No you can't kid yourself. If he is not willing to play his part in your healing then it will be tough. I spoke to a freind who's wife had an affair after mine and he often complained how he felt unloved and that his wife was not showing him enough remorse about the affair. I reminded him that right now, the way we (as BS's) feel, there is NO amount of love from someone else that can heal the kind of pain we are going through. Thus, the journey on exploring yourself. It's the only way to get through it.)

 

I don't want to do a super long post, so will add more details if needed. I know I have to do this, but I feel like I am giving up everything, and it is so hard. It's not just the marriage, my kids are all just recently grown up, and I have to move away from here, so I'm losing them, too, in a way. My heart is broken in so many pieces.

(I truly feel for you. You are in a tough situation. If you aren't yet ready to LEAVE the marriage then (as odd as this may sound) FORGET about the marriage and truly try to focus on you and not him and not the marriage. It will make you a stronger person if you ultimately do decide to leave. Although My wife and I are seperated, I haven't decided to Leave the marriage but I have decided to forget about it for now and try to heal (it's not easy. It's a day by day thing). When I have healed then I can make a real decision as to whether or not I want to file for divorce (my wife won't because she is cake eating and in fantasy land) or let my wife's MLC run it's course and let me do my thing and perhaps reconcile down the road if we want to and I feel SHE has made the changes I have. Goodluck and keep posting. Sorry I put other comments in parenthesis in the quote section above. I still haven't figured out how to do it yet!!

[eeyore1981]

Floridapad,

 

I do understand what you are saying, and most of this, if not all, I have already done, all throughout our marriage, not just since the affair.

 

I am not a saint, nowhere near it. The one thing my husband will admit is at least 85% of our problems have been caused by him, and the problems caused by me I have done everything I could to try to correct.

 

The 25 years we have been together, I have worked hard at overcoming my issues. I have gone to IC several times over the years, not from any urging or complaining from him, but because I recognized things in myself I didn't like, and strove to correct them, no matter how hard it was. In all these times, no matter how ugly something might make me look, I was always brutally honest.

 

Someone told me a long time ago, "Would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?" I decided I would rather be happy, and I have worked really hard toward that goal. There have been slip ups, but I have done my best to recognize them.

 

I stood up for myself. He went too far. I demanded to be treated with respect, as I had treated him 99% of the time. He seemed incapable. I could no longer give all of myself to him and get so little in return. I tried to discuss this with him several times, but he didn't care. Off with another woman he went. I guess when he told me he wanted a divorce, he expected me to fall to the floor and beg him not to leave me. I hired an attorney. HE is the one who initiated reconciliation, not me. I treated his request with kindness, not hatefulness, and IMO he has proceeded to wipe the floor with me ever since.

 

My obsession with finding the truth didn't begin with trying to catch him. It was because I wanted so badly to believe the crap he was telling me, but I couldn't, so I was trying to prove he wasn't lying, to regain my trust in him, but it was all lies. I knew after a while I was damaging myself, but I didn't know how to stop. MC therapist was no help. I have gotten it mostly under control, but the only things I can think of to make it really stop is him tell the truth, me cheat on him, or kiss his @ss goodbye and move on with my life.

I have done things for myself. I bought a motorcycle and ride every chance I get. That is the one time I can leave him to his own devices and not give a damn what he is doing. A lot of things I wanted to do for years, like go to museums, hiking, etc. I started doing, and he even went with me.

The last 2 years haven't been nonstop fighting about his lies. That kicks up when it builds to the point I can no longer repress it. I just can't do it anymore.