What do I do- - before I end this the bloody way!

[TTally]

With much regret and sadness, once this sentence is finished it will be my final nail in the coffin. I have no experience writing, except for the occasional fan fiction I wrote as a teenage girl. That was a time ago now. I have however, found myself with no other outlet except perhaps for a lovely razor blade across the inside of my soft, marred wrist’s. I won’t give him that satisfaction though.

To get the whole story I’m trying so artfully, and pathetically, to dodge around my Google search’s can sum it up. One of the earlier ones reads something like, “How to get him to want you”. Pardon me as I pop open another beer. Another vice given to myself from this FEIND!

Another one can read, “Is he into me?” then as suspected, “How to break up your friend with benefit’s partner and not let yours find out that your having an affair with a curly haired- pug faced- guy friend you’ve secretly wanted to jump the bone on for a whole year”. You’d be surprised the hits that turned up on that last one!

Geeze, I’d LOVE, I really would, to start at the beginning. See the thing- I don’t know HOW! I should mention I am not going to make up or falsify any facts. I went to Community and Technical College after High School, and met a ton of new friends. A great many of them have a relationship, now four years ahead, that is playful. They’ve seen me topless- they grab my boobs. I’m fine with them doing it. Not this ****er. Other friends grab in joke- he grabs for keeps.

He was among the people I met at college. We had an area called the TV lounge to kill time in. A rectangular, white brick room with window’s forming a solid glass wall into a hallway. It had a TV, we brought gaming systems. Super Smash Brothers Brawl was the greatest on the Game Cube! While we all played games, he was on a laptop in the background doing his own thing. A ****ing scrawny little creep I never said boo to.

Then two years later I had met with financial trouble. I took a year off but kept going back to school to avoid my family life and just relax. I asked them out of the blue one night, “Anyone want to buy a car?”. I had a 94 Oldsmobile that I had wanted to sell, because I was getting a new 06 Cobalt. This guy, who I had seen for years but never spoken to, said, “Try Craigslist.”. With his laptop he pulled the site up, and did a serch for my car make a model to give me a price range. I sold it a week later for 1,000 bucks.

Fast forward to…. Oh when was it? 2008, Halloween eve. By this time my group had replaced the TV Lounge with a LAN center called Pwned. This guy almost lived there- and I went for him. Why? Because he helped sell a car by using the awesome technology of Craigslist? No. All my other girl friends had said they wanted him. So I did to.

I have a …. Odd complex. Im 5 foot 4 with DD boobs and not a bad face. I weigh around 150 pounds, so I have a gut, ass, and thighs, but I don’t think Im ugly. I have green eyes, the red hair, and freckles to make me a spitting image of an American-Irish. My face? EPIC CUTE! To test this theory of mine, I decided to see if I could have sex with him. I wore good pants, I wore low shirts. His girlfriend, (yes I knew he had one and had met her several times), is a stick figure with no woman bits above the waist. I wanted to see if I could get him- for perverse, personal goals.

You might want to know something about this guy. He went from skinny, pasty guy with a white-fro to a guy that had a medium build- good muscle tone, and a lecherous personality. Very charismatic. Pompously included himself to a good standing, but held that mysterious vibe. It was sexy. Never liked his face though. He looks like a young Al Franken, the new senator of the great state of MN. Ice blue eyes, slightly smashed face, brown VERY curly hair, no chest hair, and he shaves his arm pits. No, he’s not an athlete. He smokes- LIKE ME NOW- and apparently straight.

I have never, had sex with him. Yet. Step 9th, 2009 at 7:21 central time.

I have time.

Anyway! He’s playful, an just a super nice guy when his libido is in check. On last Halloween eve I asked a mutual friend, Dinker, to throw an early Halloween party for me. I work overnights, and worked the next night. He said sure! I was dressed like Flo from those progressive commercials and went to Pwned to kill time before the party. He was there- yatta! He didn’t recognize me- went from chin length red hair to long, brown hair and 50’s make-up.

Next thing I can remember is at the party. We’re all sitting around drinking, watching the movie Battle Royal. Suddenly- a cuddle puddle ‘is started! A cuddle puddle, is everyone laying down on a floor, bed, ect ect and ….cuddling. I was pulled down by the guy. I had never REALLY cuddled with anyone besides my boyfriend. I was uncomfortable. I made an excuse to get up, go to the bathroom. He didn’t want to let me go! I promised I’d come back but never did. I took a picture of the cuddle puddle and the lovely spot empty next to Izzy.

I think that’s when it started. The whole, “I want to see if I can get him!” thing. Next big highlight is a month before the election party. I was very depressed. I have Seasonal Affective Disorder, amoung other things, and I’m not above hurting myself. He was the first to suddenly notice! He asked, “How deep in it are you?”. I was shocked, I looked up and answered, “Oh, pretty ****ing deep. Oh well.”.

Election Party night. At a friends house. We all, the old TV Lounge group, called him up to come. He’s an alcoholic. I became one to have a common factor with him. I also started to smoke because of him. He came to the party. He turned the shower on me and a girl friend while we were having girl time. We got soaked. I was PISSED.

I changed into spare clothes the host threw at us and…was introduced to Salvia. I had no idea what Salvia was. Next thing I knew I was on my left side in the living room, apparently slowly rolling toward a pile of shoes. All I saw was a bright light, like the sun, pulling me toward it on a conveyer belt of shoes. I freaked out and ran.

I missed my exit- He was behind me in his car. After a long moment of several friends making sure I was ok- he made the executive direction to take me back to his place. He had two roommates that we’re *******s- and former friends of us both! He put me in his room, in his bed. He cuddled with me. Being so confused and depressed- I took it.

It became common place of us to spend many nights this way together- me getting too drunk on purpose so I had to go to his house. I enjoyed it. He would make flirtatious moves on me, unhooking my bra and taking my pants away. Sometimes when he was over his limit he would grab at my lower half.

Six months later of this, we have the rumor started by the roommates that we were having sex. He and I both had boyfriends/girlfriends. This was not good. A recent conversation with his girlfriend fits into my story nicely here.

“-And I know he wouldn’t cheat but you know- I wish he wasn’t so handsy with other girls….””

“Oh no- I know. I HATE when he goes for my bra and stuff. But I’m used to being hit and whatnot by him. If my bf ever did that stuff I’d set him straight!”

“Well it’s not you I’m worried about! I call and I hear you in the background, and he tells me your there like….Im not worried about the rumors.”

“Well maybe we tell you guys to throw you off our trail?”

“You know, me and my BF talked about that once and we don’t think your smart enough.”

Poor, naïve little girl. I am trying to break you guys up, and **** him, without letting my boyfriend know. Why? I DON’T KNOW! I love laying next to his frame, talking about nerd stuff, and just feeling so comfortable and wanted sexually.

I frenched him last week. Me. I went in for it. I did it. Over and over. Saw him yesterday without his girlfriend around, and he didn’t give me a “Hi!” or anything. It hurt a bit. Not that I wanted to do him, not that I wanted anything really. But acting like a friend, then a lover, then…………nothing…. It hurt. It hurt me a lot. I KNOW! IM BASICALLY A BOOTY CALL! But jeeze man, a HI would have been NICE!

There you have it. Im scorned. Im upset that I acted so stupidly on a feeling I’ve had forever now …….suddenly undid everything. Im not trying to **** him- I’m happy being not ****ed by him. Our awkward relationship would be very awkward then. I LIKE his girlfriend I do- but she acts so superior around me KILLS me!

 

She moved in with him three months ago. I do like her- I do. She’s great! But them together…kills me. I miss my guy friend. I miss just….TALKING to him! Hold on…..i got to cry real quick…. And yea I’ve had four beers since writing this. ….About an hour I’ve been writing now.

I don’t know what to do. I want to break them up so I wont feel guilty when and if I complete my mission to ‘’have him’’. Then again I have no desire to date him. I just want to ride him.

I’m happy with my boyfriend even though he lives two hours away- and he knows he is my friend and that he’s very important to me emotionally. He dose not know I kissed him. I might even forward this link to him…. So he knows. I don’t know- I need advice.

When I just hang out with him it drives me batty. I want more. If I get that more though I’ll feel dirty. And I need him around. I need my 1:1 cuddle time I feel. HELP oh god help.

Edited March 6, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
poster request ~T

[WTRanger]

You'll get a lot more responses if you don't flood us with a sea of poorly formatted text. Spaces between paragraphs would be nice too.

 

After just reading the last few sentences, it sounds as if you need to make a choice. Izzy or your real boyfriend. Either choice will come with drastic and life altering consequences so choose wisely. If you just want to have sex with Izzy you are kidding yourself that you wouldn't develop emotions for him. I mean, look at the sea of text you just wrote about one guy.

 

You've got to choose.

[Odyssey]

Wow Danelle, you sure can rant!

 

First of all if you were so damn happy with your bf, why on earth would you go after Izzy, knowing that he's already in a relationship? I think a lot of you in that so called TV Lounge have a lot of growing up to do - respect to yourself as well as each other. I'm not going to rant about all the mistakes during my school days 'cause as kids, we were still learning a lot about life. So plenty can be forgiven, only if you acknowledge and learn from them (i can't stress this enough).

 

You need to stop obsessing over this Izzy for a start and stay away from him 'cause he's no saint either. What you need right now are good friends to support you. Don't even dare think about getting some kinda revenge on them, just because you're hurt. If you want vengeance, the best revenge is start living a happy life right now. And stop playing 'games' with people 'cause it's manipulative and dishonest.

 

How come you didn't say much about your bf?

[TTally]

One- I don't care how my RANT came off- normal rants are just that- discombobulated thoughts and idea's bursting forth through a sea of emotion. Intimidating yes I understand that- but it was intentional. Normal people won't bother with it. Bored/inquisitive/truly helpful people would have at least stuck through to the middle. I could care less for 'normal' people in this situation.

 

SECONDLY my boyfriend is not mentioned much because I understand him and where we are. I love him- he loves me- we live far far away and neither of us is unhappy with that situation; at the same time not happy with it either.

 

NO Moving for either of us is not an option in the near future.

 

Problem is- and it has been- lust. Flirtatious manners. We're both strong willed people and quite opinionated (if the first part of this wasn't clue enough) and I think the sense of 'trying to conquer' the other is in play.

 

I'm also fairly sure I still know more about how I react to things to also say- Feelings for Izzy WOULD NEVER MANIFEST. If we WERE to do it- the fun is gone. I have talked with the ass since this last post as well and we agree- we both like what we have. . . whatever it is.

 

The danger of being caught (while not doing ANYTHING mind you) is kind of fun in and of it's self.

 

Oh yes- and one man can get soooooo boring. Don't take that the wrong way- I just mean sometimes it's nice to add some spice to your dinner table.

[Odyssey]

Actually, random ramblings don't bother me (just it's quite rare on LS).

 

Danelle, glad that you & Izzy have an understanding and i agree, from your first post - it's just lust. Seems you've weighed up the risks & consequences already, and nobody can change your mind. But sometimes it feels good to get things off our chests, right?

 

Live your life.

[TTally]

I came to notice that, but seing as Im new I hope you forgive me. See ... I'm not 100% comfortable with cuddling and whatnot with him but I LOVE that attention from him. My boyfriend knows we have an odd relationship but knows NO details. His girlfriend is annoying also.

 

Any ideás with her? The over protective-possessive type that yells at us if we even goof off together with? Example- he'll throw a bottle cap at me from across a room. I return fire with a shoe. She'll yell, "BABE- be nice!". I've told her that's fine- but any attention given to another girl is HORRIBLE news for her.

 

I'm more of one of the guys, btw. I wrestle- smoke- spit- drink- like a guy. I also have an affectionate name for Izzy, "Al Franken the Naked Mole Rat" and she yells at ME for that! (He is hairless- shaves his arm pits and never grew chest hair). When people are around he's like a big brother to me. No- she dosent suspect we were each other's cuddle buddies either. She's downright ANNOYING!

 

The girl at the party who has to be the center of attention- debates every little fact into the dust- thinks she's so smart and pretty when she's not... I like her. Just 1:1 though. It's straining my FRIENDSHIP with him- not the other part though.

Edited March 6, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Poster request~T