Confessed my feelings to FWB partner (A long read)

[ScorpioSun]

I know this is long, but please just bear with me. I am in a world of pain right now.

 

I have been in a FWB situation for six months with a guy I met online. Neither of us intended on it being a FWB. It just kind of ended up that way. Both of us enjoyed this very much! Not only the sex, but we enjoyed each others company. We would have hours of long talks, watch movies together, and helped each other out and was there for each other when we needed it. We were good friends, or so I thought.

 

He told me he was not ready for any kind of serious relationship at this time in his life and wanted to get his life more in order before taking on another relationship which was fine with me because I had just come out of a very hurtful breakup a few months ago. I was not ready for anything serious myself. Of course I had never been in anything this casual either so I did not know what to expect.

 

Things were going good. We had our fun and lots of it. I found myself not being able to wait to see him again. The excitement was extreme and when we were together everything was wonderful! The chemistry was just through the roof. I knew that this was most likely FWB, although not officially established, I just had that feeling. But he would give me mixed signals at times which made me question whether he liked me more or not. I always kept quiet though and continued to enjoy our fun.

 

He was never one to talk about feelings and he is almost nonemotional. He hardly ever lets anything get to him. He is also very aloof and laid back. It has taken me some time to get used to his characteristics since I'm a very emotional person. We made an agreement that it would only be sleeping with each other and if one or the other found someone else or wanted out then we would let the other know. We tried to always be very upfront and honest with each other. Sometimes I would get suspicious and ask things like are you sure you have no girlfriend? He would always get very defensive and say no, I don't have a girlfriend. I don't have time for a girlfriend. He is a very busy guy who works a lot. He barely has time for me. But he would do little things to show me he cares and I learned to pick up on those things since he isn't a very emtotional/feelings kinda guy. He is also very shy and pretty much keeps everything inside. Which makes it hard for me at times to understand him or know what he wants. I have learned to figure out many of his quirky ways.

 

As time went by I found myself liking him more and more. I was really starting to fall for him and this scared me. I knew the risks of falling for someone in this type of situation and I knew that the statistics weren't very good for these situations turning into actual relationships. So I kept my feelings to myself for the longest time for fear of losing him. I figured and hoped that in time maybe he would start to like me more too if he hadn't already. He is so very hard to read sometimes and like I said he was giving off many mixed signals. I was angry with myself because I wasn't suppose to fall for him. I tried to turn off these feelings to no avail. I just kept them hidden for so long and still no talk from him confessing that he had feelings for me which frightened me even more.

 

Finally, I could not take it any longer and I just came out with my feelings. I poured my heart and soul out to him and all he could say was "oh I'm sorry, I had no idea you felt that way. I thought this was all just for fun." This hurt so much. I wanted so desperately for him to say something along the lines of "oh I'm so glad you mentioned this because I am really starting to fall for you too and was so afraid to say so." I knew I could not expect this response from him and I didn't. I know there was a very big chance that he would not feel the same. We really didn't talk about it much more that night and instead talked about our plans to meet in the next couple of days. I figured if I could not have a relationship with him then I at least wanted to be able to keep and hold on to the way things were now.

 

The next night I find him online so I say hello and he says hello. I ask him if our plans were still on for tomorrow? He responds saying, "you know I've been thinking." I get a little nervous at this point, and I actually think maybe just maybe he might say he feels the same way and want's to give this a shot. Oh how wrong I was! He said, "you are right , even though not planned, this did turn into just sex and it isn't right and it isn't fair to you." I ask him so are you saying you don't want to see me anymore? He says "no, I don't think it's right and fair to you." I told him I'm glad he was being honest with me and that's all I ever asked for. He asked me again, "this isn't right is it?" I say no, it isn't if this is all you will ever want is just sex. I tell him I really enjoy what we have now and would really miss it, but I don't see how this could work if I like him so much more now. He says, "I think this is what I want, and I know it isn't fair to you and I am sorry." I tell him not to be sorry and thank him for being honest with me.

 

I am hurting so much right now because he basically thinks it's best we no longer see each other or talk again. I can't believe these six months have meant nothing to him and that he did not consider me a friend? That is what hurts the most is that I am going to miss his friendship.....the one that I thought was there. Don't get me wrong, I knew the risks and I am so grateful for hiim being honest with me. I am not blaming him at all here. I am just going to miss him terribly!! I know some people can sleep with others and not feel a thing but sexual pleasure....and I guess that's all it was for him. But my god we had the longest talks about everything we could think of. He opened up to me and I really opened up to him. We had a lot of time together so it just wasns't about sex 24/7, nothing like that at all! Which baffles me as to how he can just let this go so easily. In a way I just wan't to go back to him and say let's just continue with this FWB thing and please forget I ever said anything to you about my feelings. Just act as if it never happened. I figured having him in my life is better than not having him at all. How pathetic right? I don't know what's wrong with me, but I am in a world of pain right now.

 

I never knew I could like someone so much and now that they are gone it really makes me think. Why didn't I keep my big mouth shut? I want him back so badly! Please tell me how I can get him back? Get things back to how they were? I don't need anything serious at all. I do like him a lot yes, but I can handle just being FWB with him if that's all it will ever be. What would his reaction be if I told him it was all a big mistake and I want to get back what we had? I messed up and miss him terribly!! How do I rectify this? I have never hurt so bad over something like this and I can't stop crying. I feel like I have truly lost not only a lover, but a good friend. This may sound silly and childish to many, but I really am hurting here. I just so want him back in my life. :(

[xpaperxcutx]

I don't think you can really get him back as a friend. Basically because the unequivocalness of a FBW makes it all the more difficult to return to a platonic standpoint.

 

I was in your position earlier on this summer, and while it didn't last any more than a month it really did stung more than I had imagined to have put myself in a position to get hurt. FWBs are sometimes never planned but when it does happen you at least has to have the will the stomach the very idea that nothing significant will come to occur.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting, but like Caitlyn says, it's important to allow yourself to heal.

[Odyssey]

ScorpioSun, (great name by the way)

 

FWB should mean sex without any emotional attachments. Once you develop romantic feelings for the other, then you're no longer FWB.

 

I know exactly what you're going through and it's hell. Like you, i was in FWB situation in my early 20s, we were both broken from a relationship and kinda rebounded into each other. I too developed feelings for her, but she didn't want a relationship. We did stay friends for awhile, but that just hurts even more, when she doesn't feel the same way. Eventually, i had to end our friendship because i couldn't take the pain anymore. Lesson learned - i should of stopped lying to myself from the start and let it drag on for a year. I'm no longer interested in FWBs anymore - either you're friends or gf/bf; anything in between is just a whole damn mess.

 

The truth is (a) you can't be friends because your feeling are no longer platonic. (b) you can't be gf/bf because the other person don't want to.

 

I'm sorry, but the only thing you can do is start to move on. [hugs] The people of LS here will support you... i promise. one step at a time.

[ScorpioSun]

I never knew I could like someone so much and now that they are gone it really makes me think. Why didn't I keep my big mouth shut? I want him back so badly! Please tell me how I can get him back? Get things back to how they were? I don't need anything serious at all. I do like him a lot yes, but I can handle just being FWB with him if that's all it will ever be. What would his reaction be if I told him it was all a big mistake and I want to get back what we had? I messed up and miss him terribly!! How do I rectify this? I have never hurt so bad over something like this and I can't stop crying. I feel like I have truly lost not only a lover, but a good friend. This may sound silly and childish to many, but I really am hurting here. I just so want him back in my life. :(

 

 

Wow. That's some pretty deep stuff. How long were you two together? Why was there an agreement for FWB relationship anyway? I was actually involved with a FWB relationship too and the guy fell for me and I didn't feel the same. It's something I vowed to never do again because things like these seem to happen to one party or the other.

 

I do think you need to have more respect for yourself. It seems like your FWB guy has more respect for you. If he was a bad guy he would continue with a stricly sexual relationship knowing you were falling for him. He's right, it's not fair for you to continue with someone who doesn't like you in that way.

 

I think you need to give him some time to think. Give yourself some time ot think. What can you really do? You did a very brave thing and put yourself out there and now that it didn't work out the way you hoped, what else can you do? You obviously can't beg him to give you a chance- because that would get you nowhere. I suggest you give yourself some time to heal and let him heal himself too. Sounds like he's emotionally unavailable and looks like a reciepe for a disaster relationship if you all did have a shot because he's not in it 100%. Maybe in a couple of months when you can just be his friend you two can try a friendship again, because if he isn't feeling it...im sorry, but it's just not going to happen.

 

One day you will find a guy that will absolutely sweep you off your feet

 

Thank you for taking the time to reply. To answer your questions we were together doing the whole FWB thing for six months. We met a month before, but just talked and got to know each other at that time. So altogether seven months if you count the month of pure talking. I was not looking for anyone really. I had just joined a free dating website to have a little fun and help me to try and get over my ex. I was not looking nor was ready for anything serious at the time. I really only wanted a friend or two and see where things could go from there.

 

I was actually in the middle of filling out my profile on the dating website (all I had managed to get posted was a picture) when this guy emails me asking why I had nothing at all written about myself. So I emailed him back explaining I had just joined the site and was in the middle of completing a profile. All I remember was thinking wow he is so attractive from his picture and I noticed he did not live but 30 minutes away at most so I figured what could it hurt to respond. We emailed back and forth for a couple of days and it just went from there. He has such an amazing sense of humor which really drew me in and he is very sarcastic much like myself so we got along perfectly.

 

It was never planned to have a FWB. It was mostly my fault for just never asking what we were or where this was going. I never got things established and that was my mistake. All I knew is that he told me he was not ready for any kind of relationship and that he did not have time for a girlfriend. He said he liked me very much and wanted to have fun getting to know me and hanging out. He told me I was the closest thing to a girlfriend that he had. I'm not sure if he had just been hurt badly or what, but he told me his last relationship was two years ago. I did not go into detail with him because he didn't seem like he wanted to talk about it much. He also told me that he has never just had a sexual relationship and that he isn't the type of guy to just have one night stands. He would send me texts saying "I miss you," "I can't wait to see you again," and "I hope I don't have to work tomorrow so we can spend some time together."

 

He really started to open up to me and told me things about his life that he said he had never told anyone before. I don't know, it just felt like we had a connection much deeper than just sex. It started out with us going out on actual dates as well and just kind of ended up with sex. So I don't think either one of us actually planned for this to happen like it did. When we were out in public he would put his arm around me or hold my hand. It just felt so natural and made me feel almost like a girlfriend even thought I knew that wasn't what it was. It was almost as if he wanted more with me, but was afraid. I don't know if that makes any sens and maybe I'm way off base with this? I just don't see how I could be wrong about all of this unless my feelings really did cloud my judgement. I'm going to miss just cuddling on his couch while watching a movie or him calling me over to stay the night. I just loved being in his arms and being close to him. I'm going to miss all of our talks in to the wee morning hours, and I'm going to miss spending Saturday nights alone We would see each other when we could, but Saturday nights were always our nights. Ugh I just feel a huge void now. I respect him so much for being honest with me and I know he is right by saying it isn't fair to me to keep going like this. My head knows it's right, but my heart wont let go. I just keep asking myself did he really feel NOTHING? All this time it was just sex for him? Or is he just afraid? Either way I guess it doesn't matter because he is gone. I apologize for rambling on like this. It just helps to get this all out.

[ScorpioSun]

I don't think you can really get him back as a friend. Basically because the unequivocalness of a FBW makes it all the more difficult to return to a platonic standpoint.

 

I was in your position earlier on this summer, and while it didn't last any more than a month it really did stung more than I had imagined to have put myself in a position to get hurt. FWBs are sometimes never planned but when it does happen you at least has to have the will the stomach the very idea that nothing significant will come to occur.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting, but like Caitlyn says, it's important to allow yourself to heal.

 

Thank you. Yes, I understand that I can't be just friends with him right now when I feel so strongly for him. That you are right about. I just can't believe there wasn't more there for him too you know? Like I said he was never one to just come right out and say how he feels. I had to ask to get anything out of him. He was always apologizing though for the littlest of things. Like he would say "I'm so sorry if when we spoke the other day I sounded disrespectful." The thing was he never was disrespectful. Most of the things he apologized for, there was no need to. He would also ask me why I didn't do certain things like "why didn't you kiss me goodnight last night when you were over?" Well I was in shock because I was expecting him to and he didn't act like he wanted to. I don't know if it's just because he is shy or what, but he always did this. He would tell me "you know I alway like your affection." Anyway, I know it's going to take a long time to heal. Even know I know it's probably for the best, I just wish he wouldn't cut me off cold turkey like this.

[ScorpioSun]

ScorpioSun, (great name by the way)

 

FWB should mean sex without any emotional attachments. Once you develop romantic feelings for the other, then you're no longer FWB.

 

I know exactly what you're going through and it's hell. Like you, i was in FWB situation in my early 20s, we were both broken from a relationship and kinda rebounded into each other. I too developed feelings for her, but she didn't want a relationship. We did stay friends for awhile, but that just hurts even more, when she doesn't feel the same way. Eventually, i had to end our friendship because i couldn't take the pain anymore. Lesson learned - i should of stopped lying to myself from the start and let it drag on for a year. I'm no longer interested in FWBs anymore - either you're friends or gf/bf; anything in between is just a whole damn mess.

 

The truth is (a) you can't be friends because your feeling are no longer platonic. (b) you can't be gf/bf because the other person don't want to.

 

I'm sorry, but the only thing you can do is start to move on. [hugs] The people of LS here will support you... i promise. one step at a time.

 

I appreciate your response. Thank you for the compliment on my name. As you probably figured out, I am a Scorpio, so that's where the name came from.

 

I'm sorry you went through something similar. It really does suck doesn't it? I understand what you are saying. I can't move forward because he does not want a relationship and I can't move back to being just friends because I have feelings for him. It's just a terrible place to be in. If anything it has taught me that I never want to be in this position ever again. It really hurts. I want him back so badly and for things to be how they were, but I know that is pretty impossible. I just miss talking to him. Thank you so much for your support. I have a feeling I'm going to be venting on here a lot!

[ReturnToSender]

It really is great that he was honest with you...from the start when he said he wasnt ready for a relationship...to the end where he let you go instead of trying to continue a sexual relationship, knowing you have feelings for him...as he is now aware, to continue would only serve to lead you on.

 

It can be confusing seeing how the two of you had the sex, went out, had fun, shared time etc etc.. but at the root of it all, you were friends who had sex...that is the most he can give you right now. And from the way he handled things..I would say he does truly see you as a friend...that your time did mean something..cause if you and the time with you meant nothing, he would jsut keep going for the sex knowing he could get it, without any care of how that would hurt you emotionally.

 

I had a nearly 2y relationship with a FWB...it really was great. The sex was great, wed go out for drinks, I met all his friends, most of his family..he knew my daughter...I could call him at 4am crying and hed tell me to come over...and wed curl up and watch a movie in bed...Id have a hard day at work and hed invite me out to a concert to have some fun. And what made the whole thing work was that neither of us had any expectations, hopes or deep romantic feelings for each other.

 

We havnt been sexually involved in almost 4 years, and we are still friends...not as close as before since Ive been with my "bf" but he still checks in on me to see how Im doing, how kiddo is doing, how life is..updates me on what hes up to. We run into each other a couple times a year at events or something.

 

Btw..we met off an adult sex site...hah! So it was intended to be sex from the start..but we neither of us dreamt wed actually meet someone we actually care about on a real level. Just cause we didnt fall in love, doesnt mean our friendship meant nothing...As he would say...we arent friends with benefits..our friendship is the benefit..the sex is just the cream on top.

[wildflower 1]

Do NOT try to get things back to the way they were. Because you weren't happy with the way they were. You wanted more.

 

The only thing you can do in this situation is the most risky thing. You have to step back, show respect for yourself, and cut off contact with him. Tell him kindly that you appreciated your time together, but you are looking for a genuine relationship with someone and you don't want to continue something less than that with him.

 

Go out and meet new men, do everything you can to forget about this guy. Then--and only then, if there is ANY hope for this relationship (its doubtful, but in the 2% chance that the guy really did have feelings for you and was confused about them/lacking motivation to pursue...etc), he will come back around.

 

I cannot stress enough how important it is to keep your distance. Sometimes men need space to process their feelings and figure out if they really do love/miss/care about a girl. If they do, I promise you, 100%, they will come back around.