"If you want sex, then you will have to get it somewhere else."

[JamesM]

I have said it on other threads, but this is pretty much what my wife told me about five months ago.

 

In a conversation about different things which led to sex, she said that if she had her druthers, then we would not have sex anymore, and if it was that important to me, then I would need to find it somewhere else.

 

Now if you have read my threads, then hopefully you have determined that I have attempted over the years to solve this problem. We have had sex occasionally (once or twice a month) since then. She actually enjoyed it sometimes, too. But she has made the comment about her not wanting it anymore, too, although not the "get it somewhere else" comment.

 

So, my question is....what would you do?

 

I am not into hearing about why she said it or what I should be doing so that she loves sex again. I know the list, and hopefully again for those who have followed any of my comments, I come across as one who has tried most everything since I joined LS.

 

My question again is....how would you approach things now?

 

Would you deliver an ultimatum? (I did this three years ago and it gave a temporary change).

 

Would you ask for a divorce?

 

Would you demand sex?

 

Would you begin an affair?

 

Would you simply "purchase" it from a safe place?

 

Would you get a :f***buddy?

 

Or what other response would you have?

[hotgurl]

other than sex how is your marriage?

 

Do you have young kids?

 

if it were me I would say I need to have sex I didn't get married to be celebate the rest of my life.

 

Either you provide that for me or I will get it elsewhere,

[Island Girl]

I would have a frank discussion about the fact that I didn't want an open marriage when I got married nor do I want to venture outside the marriage now. I would talk to her about seeing a counselor together and seeing a doctor about her libido issues.

 

That suggestion to go outside of the marriage pretty much sucks.

[JackJack]

Would you deliver an ultimatum? (I did this three years ago and it gave a temporary change). For me an ultimatum would be the last resort as I'm sure it has been for you. I would only do so, if I knew I could carry through with whatever it was I said I was going to do/not do etc.

 

Would you ask for a divorce? After I had tried everything I knew, yes, probably so.

 

Would you demand sex? Nope.

 

Would you begin an affair? Nope, have to much of a conscious.

 

Would you simply "purchase" it from a safe place? Again, nope.

 

Would you get a :f***buddy? Again, nope.

 

Or what other response would you have? As I said before, if I just simply felt my marriage was over, and was feeling resentful and that I was just hitting a brick wall over and over, I would present it with a divorce.

[2sure]

Sex - its a physical need, a relief from stress, its fun. And those facts remain the same whether your doing it with your partner or a stranger.

 

Sex - its a reconnection of commitment, its a sharing giving thing, its a bond enhanced by intimacy and love. You only get that with your partner.

 

Betrayal as in infidelity is usually more about the lie than the sex.

 

The lack of intimacy can ruin sex with a partner. The sex with a stranger can lead to intimacy.

 

I dont have the answers here, but those are things both you and your wife need to think about.

[silktricks]

I personally would tell my partner that I am not interested in living a sex-free life and I am not the kind of person who can have either an affair or an open marriage, therefore I am filing for divorce.

 

If, however, I (personally) was the type of person who could have an open marriage, and all other aspects of the marriage (other than sex) was good, I would probably choose that option - but I'm just not wired that way. I (again personally) would never choose to have any kind of option that included a necessity to lie as that would not be good for me either.

[jasminetea]

The sex with a stranger can lead to intimacy.

 

If your wife is telling you to do this with all honesty and not just to get you off her back, then I can't believe she realises fully what 2sure has said here. Have you told her this?

[EnigmasMuse]

Hey James! I've read some of your threads about this, maybe not all of the threads, so forgive me if it has been asked before.

 

Is it possible that her lack of sex drive or whatever (I know you had said she wont tell you what's wrong) do you think SHE has stepped out of the marriage at some point? Maybe she can't bring her self to have sex with you because she feels she wronged you. maybe she is telling you do look elsewhere because possibly she did? I know that might sound odd, but I was just wondering if you eve thought that might be what it is.

 

You do what you need to do, but IMO, I would vote NO on going outside of the marriage. End it first if you feel the need to do that.

[hotgurl]

did she just tell you she could do without sex. Or did she say she doesn't want sex and you can get it elsewhere?

 

If it is the later and I had young kids at home I would take her up on the offer. Just state honey I decided to take you up on the offer for me to get sex elsewhere.

 

I bets she flips out.

 

sorry just reread your post. I would take her up on the offer.

[Sam Spade]

The way she phrased it basically leaves the impression that she has checked out of the marriage - after all you've tried, and after clearly explaining what sex means in the context of a relationship, to tell you basically take it or leave it - I personally percieve as disrespectful. If there are true problems underlying the lack of sex, her obligation as a wife is to disclose them and see if you can work them out. Even if she honestly feels that it is not possible to work them out, verbalizing it in this way I would understand as "i'm done with the marriage". But then again, I'm not married yet.

 

As for what course of action to choose, it really only depends on how much can you tolerate keeping on going with someone that doesn't seem to want you there. If you are capable of checking out in a smilar fashion, then why not resort to hookers. The only disadvantage of an "open marriage" is that it will probably impede finding a good relationship elsewhere. If you can't (or don't want to) check out, then ultimatum is in order...

(But again, I'm not married.)

[Lizzie60]

JamesM darling...

 

she said that if she had her druthers, then we would not have sex anymore, and if it was that important to me, then I would need to find it somewhere else.

 

Get a F* friend.. or anything you want .. you can't live like that.. and trust me.. this won't be cheating .. since she wants you to leave her alone.. she's cheating cause she is not respecting her part of the 'deal' why should you respect yours.. + she says she wants you to get it somewhere..

 

Why are you even asking? If I was closer..

[GorillaTheater]

Would you deliver an ultimatum? (I did this three years ago and it gave a temporary change). For me an ultimatum would be the last resort as I'm sure it has been for you. I would only do so, if I knew I could carry through with whatever it was I said I was going to do/not do etc.

 

Would you ask for a divorce? After I had tried everything I knew, yes, probably so.

 

Would you demand sex? Nope.

 

Would you begin an affair? Nope, have to much of a conscious.

 

Would you simply "purchase" it from a safe place? Again, nope.

 

Would you get a :f***buddy? Again, nope.

 

Or what other response would you have? As I said before, if I just simply felt my marriage was over, and was feeling resentful and that I was just hitting a brick wall over and over, I would present it with a divorce.

 

I can't improve on this a bit. My advice is the same.

[Lizzie60]

James.. I have a little joke for you.. it's appropriate .. maybe she's in her menopause.. so here it is...

 

What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

 

Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.

When you're done you'll have a place to live.

 

[foreal]

James

 

I actually gasped when I read your post.

 

I'd tell her:

 

"I need and want sex and intimacy with you. It is so painful for me to take your rejection; so painful to know you are unwilling to be intimate with me and do not feel the need for closeness in the same way as I do. I deserve to be loved fully. For me, sex and Intimacy is not a 'bonus' to M, it is an integral part. I understand it is not the same for you, and that is your right to feel that way. I think going our separate ways will allow us each to find our own version of happiness and fullfilment- and we both deserve that."

[Angel1111]

Would you deliver an ultimatum? (I did this three years ago and it gave a temporary change). No.

 

Would you ask for a divorce? Yes.

 

Would you demand sex? NO!

 

Would you begin an affair? Possibly.

 

Would you simply "purchase" it from a safe place? Not likely.

 

Would you get a :f***buddy? No.

 

Or what other response would you have?

 

My response would be, "Ok," and then I would quietly file for divorce. If you're not interested in divorcing, then either deal with the marriage on her terms, or have an affair. When the affair ends disastrously, or when you've broken someone's heart, or your wife decides that she's jealous and doesn't want you to have an affair aftre all, or your decide you do want a divorce, then you can deal with that when it comes up.

 

If you're not happy with the terms she has laid out, then you need to leave her. This is the dealbreaker and it makes the two of you highly incompatible.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Ultimatum definitely...

 

I also agree with what one poster said about her emotionally checking out of the marriage in some form. Could be she feels guilty about having sex because she doesnt feel love with you and wants to stick it out, but is too stuborn to actually work on it.

 

James either you either make it better with her or you seperate, because it doesnt sound like she even wants to be married to you anymore.

 

Youv'e been going through this for months. When does it end???

 

I would just ask her outright if she wants a divorce because she isnt being a wife to you right now.

[Kasan]

James

 

I actually gasped when I read your post.

 

I'd tell her:

 

"I need and want sex and intimacy with you. It is so painful for me to take your rejection; so painful to know you are unwilling to be intimate with me and do not feel the need for closeness in the same way as I do. I deserve to be loved fully. For me, sex and Intimacy is not a 'bonus' to M, it is an integral part. I understand it is not the same for you, and that is your right to feel that way. I think going our separate ways will allow us each to find our own version of happiness and fullfilment- and we both deserve that."

 

JamesM~

 

You have been a rock through all of this, and have given your wife the benefit of the doubt many times through all of your research.

 

I would have a very frank and honest conversation with your wife asking her if she truly understands by saying the words "get it from someplace else" and you do, what this could potentially mean to the dynamics of your marriage and family.

 

I'm sure you know, but does she?

 

Truth be told, I would also be a little afraid of what her answer could be.....

[EnigmasMuse]

I agree with Chrome.

 

Also, since she presented to you, for you to get it elsewhere, why not say, "No, I'm not going to do that, how about a divorce instead?"

 

That could be your ultimatium, if you need to give one. Maybe she wants out to, but doesn't know how to tell you, so she feels if you get frustrated enough, you will be the one to take that step and proceed with a divorce. Sometimes, people will purposly sabotage something themselves because they don't know how to get out of it.

[Lizzie60]

Let's say, James, that you propose divorce. You don,t want a divorce and chances are she doesn't either.. then she might 'force' herself to have sex.. when deep down.. she absolutely hates it..

 

Would you be satisfy with this.. knowing it's a sacrifice for her..

[quankanne]

I would have a very frank and honest conversation with your wife asking her if she truly understands by saying the words "get it from someplace else" and you do, what this could potentially mean to the dynamics of your marriage and family. I'm sure you know, but does she?

 

I agree – first and foremost you need to find out why she made that proposal, and if she understands what she is asking of you. If marital sex is difficult for her for whatever reasons, and you are expected to respect her wishes, then it's only right that she understands that you see it as more than just getting your rocks off ... it's an intimate bond forged between the two of you that cannot be easily replicated elsewhere. That you've got a vested interested in y'all as a couple, and that surely, with a bit of resourcefulness you can come up with a solution that is agreeable to the both of you.

 

I feel for you ... I'm in the same boat, and have a hell of a time trying to explain to my husband that I don't necessarily need to be boinked, but that I miss the intimacy that comes with a sexual relationship – the touching, the undivided attention, the talks, the sharing ... *that* is what makes sex special. Well, in MY book, anyway.

[Trialbyfire]

James, what do you want to do since sex within the marriage is such a struggle? Has your wife ever explained why she's not interested in sex, in direct terms?

[hotgurl]

Let's say, James, that you propose divorce. You don,t want a divorce and chances are she doesn't either.. then she might 'force' herself to have sex.. when deep down.. she absolutely hates it..

 

Would you be satisfy with this.. knowing it's a sacrifice for her..

 

I agree I thik she is comfortable with the lifestyle you provide her. You are a good dad and husband except for the pesky sex thing. how incredibly selfish of her.

 

this has been going on for some time. Your first post about this was Dec 2005.

 

I don't think this will change.

 

Are the kids the only reason you are not divorced?

[Lizzie60]

I agree I thik she is comfortable with the lifestyle you provide her. You are a good dad and husband except for the pesky sex thing. how incredibly selfish of her.

 

this has been going on for some time. Your first post about this was Dec 2005.

 

I don't think this will change.

 

Are the kids the only reason you are not divorced?

 

I agree... I think the only thing she hates is the sex.. I was in her shoes many many years ago.. but we had continuous arguments.. I just hated sex with him... but everything else was fine..

[giotto]

my wife told me this many times when we were arguing about sex... and then when we separated briefly she asked me to tell her if I started having sex with another woman... WTF? What did she care? But she did care. For some reason (which now I know) she just could not bear it anymore.

 

You know, James, this must be very difficult for her as well... I've tried many times to put myself in my wife's shoes and the thought of having sex when I had no desire terrified me. But why is she not letting you go? I know that she told you that you can have extramarital sex, but why doesn't she just say that you should divorce?

 

As you might know, I packed my bags and was ready to go. She then compromised to once a week... maybe you can try the same? What do you have to lose?

 

As far as sex with other women is concerned, I would not have it. I would first separate and divorce... maybe I'm old fashioned!

[Snowflower]

Jamesm, not sure if you got my PM about this.

 

There is a lot of good advice here but ultimately it will come down to what you feel you should do. What you can tolerate and what you can't.

 

Here is my advice and if you read my PM you will know that I can speak from a similar experience. I would have a very frank discussion with your wife (when you have reached the point where you can tolerate no more) and ask her if she understands all the implications of what she has said about you getting sex somewhere else.

 

Something tells me that she said this to just get you off her back and she doesn't think you would seriously take her suggestion and act on it.

 

She has given you permission (at least verbally) to go outside your marriage for sexual fulfillment. Ask her if she understands what some of the impacts will be on your marriage, on you, on her, on your entire family. Tell her that there will be some unforeseen impacts. It is quite possible that you could become emotionally attached to your AP and that will greatly complicate things. Ask your wife how she will REALLY feel if you do go to someone else for sexual fulfillment.

 

I would be very direct and honest with her-don't threaten-but be matter-of-fact. Somehow, I think you could present this option in a non-threatening manner. And then gauge her reaction. If you do want your marriage, I think you need to have this discussion with her first and probably more than one time.

 

If she still doesn't seem to care one way or the other and won't make the necessary changes...then you need to ultimately decide about the future of your marriage because finding an AP will greatly increase the chances that a divorce will eventually happen.

 

But personally, if she has given you permission to go outside your marriage and she sticks to this conviction even through numerous discussions, your wife has released you from the fideility portion of your vows.

 

BTDT, my friend.