"If you want sex, then you will have to get it somewhere else."

[luckyme99]

wow james - that is so demoralizing.

 

You must feel like terrible husband. I know when my husband pushes me away, that i feel very unattractive and less than - it's embarrassing to feel this way in a relationship.

should you cheat? absolutly not

F**k buddy - same, same

divorce - most likely..

 

Listen - marriage is about friendship, support and intimacy - these are you rights as a husband. Why doesn't she want to have sex with you? really? If you are telling the truth and doing all the things you say you are doing - then there has to be some reason?

 

Really, i would just tell her that unless she is willing to seek help or go to cousilling to solve this, then you have every right to proceed with divorce

 

You should always feel wanted and special - always. Sure, there will be down times, that is just the ebb and flow of relationship - but really - no, not acceptable. Let her know this

Take care

[JackJack]

I must say to those who keep offering the advice to James to get a divorce, he has already stated many times its not an option for him.

 

Also another thing that bugs me, is when people call his wife selfish. I'm sure it seems that way and probably even so to James, however, we don't know WHY things are the way they are. Even he stated he doesn't know why shes not interested or whatever. It could be one main reason, or it could be several reasons that play a role in it. But to say she is selfish makes it come across as if the person saying it, 100% knows why, and that it's because she just doesn't want to. You don't know that, I don't know it, and so far neither does James.

 

And, yes even though she might say she's not interested, you still don't know why that might be.

[Mr. Lucky]

I have not ruled out "paid sex."

James, I think if you go down this road, your issue will resolve itself and not in the way you want. When we tell a friend "stop by anytime", we don't mean "ring the doorbell at 3:00 am". Your wife was similarly speaking in theoretical terms as I think she meant get the same connection you desire in sex "somewhere else" in the marriage.

 

As unfair as it seems, an A or paid sex will land you in divorce court...

 

Mr. Lucky

[MindoverMatter]

 

Also another thing that bugs me, is when people call his wife selfish. I'm sure it seems that way and probably even so to James, however, we don't know WHY things are the way they are. Even he stated he doesn't know why shes not interested or whatever. It could be one main reason, or it could be several reasons that play a role in it. But to say she is selfish makes it come across as if the person saying it, 100% knows why, and that it's because she just doesn't want to. You don't know that, I don't know it, and so far neither does James.

 

It is, in my humble opinion, not the unwillingness to have sex that makes that woman selfish. It's the refusal to explain herself, it's the way she simply expects him to abstain from a very important part of their union, without any indication of whether his feelings matter to her or not.

 

If she knows the reason and doesn't say it: there is no trust.

If she doesn't know the reason and doesn't want to work on it: there is no passion, nor deeper interest in the emotional well-being of her partner.

If she suggests getting his needs met elsewhere: there is no value placed on fidelity anymore. She will stray, be it emotionally or physically.

[JackJack]

It is, in my humble opinion, not the unwillingness to have sex that makes that woman selfish. It's the refusal to explain herself, it's the way she simply expects him to abstain from a very important part of their union, without any indication of whether his feelings matter to her or not.

 

If she knows the reason and doesn't say it: there is no trust.

If she doesn't know the reason and doesn't want to work on it: there is no passion, nor deeper interest in the emotional well-being of her partner.

If she suggests getting his needs met elsewhere: there is no value placed on fidelity anymore. She will stray, be it emotionally or physically.

 

I would imagine most people can't just turn their emotions/feelings on and off like a light switch, and I'm sure he can't either. Those that can, I've always wondered why or how they can do just that.

[JamesM]

I must say to those who keep offering the advice to James to get a divorce, he has already stated many times its not an option for him.

 

Also another thing that bugs me, is when people call his wife selfish. I'm sure it seems that way and probably even so to James, however, we don't know WHY things are the way they are. Even he stated he doesn't know why shes not interested or whatever. It could be one main reason, or it could be several reasons that play a role in it. But to say she is selfish makes it come across as if the person saying it, 100% knows why, and that it's because she just doesn't want to. You don't know that, I don't know it, and so far neither does James.

 

And, yes even though she might say she's not interested, you still don't know why that might be.

 

Thank you. I was just going to post some similar comments, but I figured from me it would be an excuse.

 

James, I think if you go down this road, your issue will resolve itself and not in the way you want. When we tell a friend "stop by anytime", we don't mean "ring the doorbell at 3:00 am".

 

Actually I had considered that this is the most likely explanation. I was just curious what others thought. It appears that you are the first to state this.

 

It's the refusal to explain herself, it's the way she simply expects him to abstain from a very important part of their union, without any indication of whether his feelings matter to her or not.

 

 

I don't think is that she refuses out of selfishness. I think she says it because AT THE MOMENT she feels that way. What she doesn't realize is that I have a memory and until something is said differently, then it is hard to think otherwise.

 

I would imagine most people can't just turn their emotions/feelings on and off like a light switch, and I'm sure he can't either. Those that can, I've always wondered why or how they can do just that.

 

And no, I cannot either. Simply because WE have a problem does not mean that the best solution is a divorce.

 

MS Pixie, I truly appreciate your advice. I think I have said it many times over the years that we have been together (here on LS ), but I truly hope that she is not like you. To hear that her lack of interest in sex means that every other expression of her love is false about breaks my heart. This means that she is not only out of love with me but an excellent liar. I do not believe this to be so.

[Trialbyfire]

James, I sincerely think that both you and your wife need IC, then discussions between the two of you. After you both know where you and your partner stand and what drives each of you, then and only then, can you make any hard decisions about future direction. If the direction is together, then the decision can't be unilateral.

[Phateless]

His wife has made it very clear that she PREFERS no sex. This is a major red flag that something is wrong in the relationship. If she flat out refuses to work on the relationship, this is a red flag about her level of investment in the relationship.

 

Flat out, she just doesn't care about James anymore. Either that or she's too proud to work on whatever it is. If she's upset at James about something, she should tell him so he can work on it. Why should he continue to throw away years of his life, investing in someone who doesn't care about him?

 

Either way, she's destroying this relationship herself.

[Thaddeus]

James, I sincerely think that both you and your wife need IC, then discussions between the two of you. After you both know where you and your partner stand and what drives each of you, then and only then, can you make any hard decisions about future direction. If the direction is together, then the decision can't be unilateral.

Under most sexless-marriage circumstances, I'd agree. But frankly, I don't see this working in James' case. His wife has the deck stacked in her favor - she's completely happy (apparently, anyway) with the situation as it is now. Her husbands needs and desires are of no consequence to her, she's getting everything she wants and needs from the relationship without any effort on her part.

 

Unfortunately, I don't see a way out. Divorce isn't on the table (if it was, James would undoubtedly get royally screwed in the divorce settlement anyway), she's not interested in changing and she doesn't seem to care one whit whether he's happy or not.

 

And if James steps outside of the marriage to seek sexual companionship - even if she agrees to it - that will undoubtedly create further problems in the home. Then she may divorce him on the grounds of adultery and get at least half his assets plus all the other stuff plus restrict his access to his children.

 

I wish there was a solution to this, but if there is I can't see what it might be.

[mem11363]

MoM - You NAILED this perfectly. All the responses to your comments are simply making excuses for a spouse that:

1. Is fully satisfied with the marriage and

2. Seems uninterested in resolving a multi-year problem that is causing a LOT of PAIN to the person who is suposed to be the MOST important person in her life....

 

James should read what Thornton wrote. And read it again. And again. Once they lose respect for a man, as she did with two of her mates, some women seem totally comfortable being in a marriage that is very bad for him and very good for her. I never once sensed the slightest bit of guilt or anxiety in Thornton about the fact that those two guys were totally sexually frustrated for years with her. She did exactly what your wife did - she was honest with them. And her honesty gave her a total "free pass" on responsibility.

 

I sense zero malice in Thornton. She is not mean. She was simply totally indifferent to their pain. Indifference truly is the deepest cut.

 

 

It is, in my humble opinion, not the unwillingness to have sex that makes that woman selfish. It's the refusal to explain herself, it's the way she simply expects him to abstain from a very important part of their union, without any indication of whether his feelings matter to her or not.

 

If she knows the reason and doesn't say it: there is no trust.

If she doesn't know the reason and doesn't want to work on it: there is no passion, nor deeper interest in the emotional well-being of her partner.

If she suggests getting his needs met elsewhere: there is no value placed on fidelity anymore. She will stray, be it emotionally or physically.

[Trialbyfire]

Under most sexless-marriage circumstances, I'd agree. But frankly, I don't see this working in James' case. His wife has the deck stacked in her favor - she's completely happy (apparently, anyway) with the situation as it is now. Her husbands needs and desires are of no consequence to her, she's getting everything she wants and needs from the relationship without any effort on her part.

 

Unfortunately, I don't see a way out. Divorce isn't on the table (if it was, James would undoubtedly get royally screwed in the divorce settlement anyway), she's not interested in changing and she doesn't seem to care one whit whether he's happy or not.

 

And if James steps outside of the marriage to seek sexual companionship - even if she agrees to it - that will undoubtedly create further problems in the home. Then she may divorce him on the grounds of adultery and get at least half his assets plus all the other stuff plus restrict his access to his children.

 

I wish there was a solution to this, but if there is I can't see what it might be.

Consider the two main facts, not assumptions of what she feels and why she's doing this:

1. James loves his wife and wants to stay in the marriage.
   
2. His wife was abused in all ways and has issues with sex in some way and is unable to explain what her issues are.
   

With #1, James can use some therapy for years of rejection and within itself, emotional abuse.

 

With #2, his wife desperately needs to get to the bottom of her foundational years of abuse.

 

Until both these issues are resolved within themselves, the two are useless to each other, from a team approach or any concrete decision making beyond running away from their problems.

[Thaddeus]

Consider the two main facts, not assumptions of what she feels and why she's doing this:

1. James loves his wife and wants to stay in the marriage.
   
2. His wife was abused in all ways and has issues with sex in some way and is unable to explain what her issues are.
   

With #1, James can use some therapy for years of rejection and within itself, emotional abuse.

 

With #2, his wife desperately needs to get to the bottom of her foundational years of abuse.

 

Until both these issues are resolved within themselves, the two are useless to each other, from a team approach or any concrete decision making beyond running away from their problems.

I don't have any argument with these, but the sense I got is that James' wife wasn't interested in IC. (Though, given that this thread is almost a dozen pages long, perhaps I missed something.)

 

And if she's not going to go that route, all that leaves is for James to live an unsatisfying life in another sexless marriage. He may choose to do IC to help him deal with a complete lack of sex, but that doesn't fix the problem.

 

The problem is her refusal.

[Trialbyfire]

I don't have any argument with these, but the sense I got is that James' wife wasn't interested in IC. (Though, given that this thread is almost a dozen pages long, perhaps I missed something.)

 

And if she's not going to go that route, all that leaves is for James to live an unsatisfying life in another sexless marriage. He may choose to do IC to help him deal with a complete lack of sex, but that doesn't fix the problem.

 

The problem is her refusal.

It's possible that she's refused IC and I missed it. If that's the case, then I do agree that it's time to enforce hard boundaries and walk, if she continues to refuse.

[carhill]

Indifference truly is the deepest cut.

 

Yes, as always, the person who cares the least has the most power and control. There are no exceptions. It is as it is until one person (or both) is dead.

[Phateless]

I can only speak from personal experience - I've been in relationships where everything was fine apart from the sex, and the lack of sex was my choice not my partner's. The reason I didn't want sex was because I just wasn't attracted to the guy in question - I still felt sexual desire but not for my partner. Yet despite that I stayed in those relationships for 2-3 years each time, because the guy let me get away with refusing sex and so everything was pretty comfortable for me. He paid half of the rent and bills, took me to the movies and out for dinner, kept me company when we stayed at home watching tv, provided emotional support and friendship, and didn't pressure me to do anything physical such as sex.

 

The main point is this: I wanted to keep my partner as a friend and for financial support etc, I didn't want him as a lover. He was willing to put up with not getting sex, hoping that things would change, but I was adamant that they never would because I didn't have those sort of feelings for him. It sounds to me like your wife has put her foot down and simly refuses to have sex with you - she'll let you hang around as long as you want because you're a convenient source of financial and emotional support, but she probably has no intention of ever having sex with you gain, even if it results in divorce.

 

The way I see it, you have three options: 1) Accept you will never have sex again, 2) Divorce her, or 3) Have an affair (which your wife seems to approve of, since it allows her to keep all the benefits of your relationship without ever having to have sex with you).

 

WINNER!!! This is exactly what's going on.

 

James - as a man I implore you... GRAB YOUR BALLS AND LEAVE!

[Thornton]

So if you didn't find him physically attractive, why were you in relationship with him to begin with??

 

Well... this is a rather complicated explanation, so please bear with me. I'm not saying that the OP's wife feels anything like this, but perhaps it might explain at least some cases of sexless relationships.

 

So, I met this guy... I was single, he was single, and we got on extremely well as friends. We had a lot in common and I genuinely liked him as a person... we spent a lot of time together and we became very close emotionally. I think that some women (me included) find it easy to mistake emotional closeness and friendship for attraction. Men seem to be much less prone to making this mistake because their sexual attraction often has a more physical basis... but for women sexual attraction has a strong emotional component, and it's sometimes possible to ignore a lack of physical attraction if you feel a strong emotional attraction to someone.

 

So, in the early days of our relationship we did have sex... I was never physically attracted to him and it was never really hot, but we did it, and for me it was more of an emotional thing. But after a while I settled into the relationship and I was less overwhelmed by the emotional attraction, so gradually my lack of physical attraction to my partner became more and more of an issue. I persisted in trying to make it work for some time, until I simply had to admit to myself that I didn't find him attractive and I didn't want to have sex with him... and I wasn't going to do something that I didn't want to do and didn't enjoy, something I actually began to find unpleasant.

 

The problem was, by this time we had an apartment, mutual friends and hobbies, a joint bank account, and a strong emotional relationship... his family had met my family, and breaking up was very difficult. We didn't have kids, but I can see how other people in the same situation might have ended up with kids by this point. I really didn't want to dump him, because I liked having him as a friend and separating our lives was just too difficult, but at the same time I was sure that I never wanted to have sex with him ever again. So I just put my foot down and said "No sex". I never had the nerve to tell him that I still had sexual feelings, just not for him, because I still cared about him as a friend and he would have been crushed to think that I simply didn't fancy him... so I just said "No sex" and left it at that.

 

I think he believed I'd eventually change my mind... he went through various phases of trying to convince me to have sex, asking me if I'd been sexually abused, thinking I was depressed or suffering side effects from medication, etc... but I don't think he ever really considered that I just wasn't attracted to him, because after all, we'd had sex before and we still had an emotional relationship. Our emotional entanglement was such that he found it as difficult to end the relationship as I did... he genuinely loved me and that's why he didn't walk away, he always hoped to fix things somehow even though they were beyond fixing.

 

For my part I did enjoy spending time with him, but I was 100% sure that I had no physical attraction to him and never wanted sex with him again... I loved him as a friend but I was prepared to let him walk away if he wanted to rather than ever have sex with him again. I felt justified in refusing sex, because it's a free country and I don't have to have sex with someone if I don't want to. I put my desire for no-sex ahead of his desire for sex, and I was sorry that I couldn't offer him what he wanted, but my desire about what to do (or not to do) with my own body had to come first. I figured I'd made my position clear and if he still wanted to stick around then that was his decision, he was free to dump me and find someone to have sex with if that was so important to him. He never did.

 

Eventually things came to a head when he was offered a job in another country. I could have been selfish and insisted that he refuse the offer and stay with me, but instead I was honest. I told him that our relationship wasn't working because I didn't want sex with him and my feelings about the matter would never change, and I also told him that we would never have children because I didn't want to have sex with him, so our relationship was going nowhere. I still didn't say that I wanted sex just not with him, because I still didn't want to hurt him... to this day he probably believes that I have some psychological issue about sex. I said it would be best for him to take the new job, which he did, and we still keep in touch as friends.

 

I'm sad that he's no longer around as a friend and companion, and that we no longer have a shared life, but I realise that the situation couldn't continue indefinitely... neither of us wanted or deserved to spend the rest of our lives in a passionless relationship, it was just difficult to disentangle myself from the relationship and hurt him by admitting that I didn't find him physically attractive (as I said, I still never admitted this).

 

So, that's what happened. I think I ended up in a couple of relationships similar to this because I was very prone to mistaking friendship and emotional attraction for sexual attraction, and then realising later on that I actually didn't fancy the guy... now that I'm a bit older I've learned that if you don't find someone physically attractive then no amount of emotional connection is going to produce a lasting relationship.

[giotto]

I'm sure James's wife is suffering as well because of this. It can't be easy for her either, especially because she seems to care a lot about her husband. But there lies the problem, in my opinion: she cares about him, but is it love? We might never know...

[mem11363]

Thornton,

This level of total transparency is every bit as rare as it is valuable. I had initially assumed your behavior to be quite selfish. Now it doesn't seem selfish at all. I imagine this was "not fun" for you either.

 

I do wonder though. Was your need/desire to feel "sexual/attractive" largely/completely met by the fact that you had a man steadily pursuing you, and pursuing a sexual relationship with you during the 2 years you were sexless?

 

Only asking because my guess is that during that time period his sexual self esteem steadily eroded.

 

 

 

Well... this is a rather complicated explanation, so please bear with me. I'm not saying that the OP's wife feels anything like this, but perhaps it might explain at least some cases of sexless relationships.

 

So, I met this guy... I was single, he was single, and we got on extremely well as friends. We had a lot in common and I genuinely liked him as a person... we spent a lot of time together and we became very close emotionally. I think that some women (me included) find it easy to mistake emotional closeness and friendship for attraction. Men seem to be much less prone to making this mistake because their sexual attraction often has a more physical basis... but for women sexual attraction has a strong emotional component, and it's sometimes possible to ignore a lack of physical attraction if you feel a strong emotional attraction to someone.

 

So, in the early days of our relationship we did have sex... I was never physically attracted to him and it was never really hot, but we did it, and for me it was more of an emotional thing. But after a while I settled into the relationship and I was less overwhelmed by the emotional attraction, so gradually my lack of physical attraction to my partner became more and more of an issue. I persisted in trying to make it work for some time, until I simply had to admit to myself that I didn't find him attractive and I didn't want to have sex with him... and I wasn't going to do something that I didn't want to do and didn't enjoy, something I actually began to find unpleasant.

 

The problem was, by this time we had an apartment, mutual friends and hobbies, a joint bank account, and a strong emotional relationship... his family had met my family, and breaking up was very difficult. We didn't have kids, but I can see how other people in the same situation might have ended up with kids by this point. I really didn't want to dump him, because I liked having him as a friend and separating our lives was just too difficult, but at the same time I was sure that I never wanted to have sex with him ever again. So I just put my foot down and said "No sex". I never had the nerve to tell him that I still had sexual feelings, just not for him, because I still cared about him as a friend and he would have been crushed to think that I simply didn't fancy him... so I just said "No sex" and left it at that.

 

I think he believed I'd eventually change my mind... he went through various phases of trying to convince me to have sex, asking me if I'd been sexually abused, thinking I was depressed or suffering side effects from medication, etc... but I don't think he ever really considered that I just wasn't attracted to him, because after all, we'd had sex before and we still had an emotional relationship. Our emotional entanglement was such that he found it as difficult to end the relationship as I did... he genuinely loved me and that's why he didn't walk away, he always hoped to fix things somehow even though they were beyond fixing.

 

For my part I did enjoy spending time with him, but I was 100% sure that I had no physical attraction to him and never wanted sex with him again... I loved him as a friend but I was prepared to let him walk away if he wanted to rather than ever have sex with him again. I felt justified in refusing sex, because it's a free country and I don't have to have sex with someone if I don't want to. I put my desire for no-sex ahead of his desire for sex, and I was sorry that I couldn't offer him what he wanted, but my desire about what to do (or not to do) with my own body had to come first. I figured I'd made my position clear and if he still wanted to stick around then that was his decision, he was free to dump me and find someone to have sex with if that was so important to him. He never did.

 

Eventually things came to a head when he was offered a job in another country. I could have been selfish and insisted that he refuse the offer and stay with me, but instead I was honest. I told him that our relationship wasn't working because I didn't want sex with him and my feelings about the matter would never change, and I also told him that we would never have children because I didn't want to have sex with him, so our relationship was going nowhere. I still didn't say that I wanted sex just not with him, because I still didn't want to hurt him... to this day he probably believes that I have some psychological issue about sex. I said it would be best for him to take the new job, which he did, and we still keep in touch as friends.

 

I'm sad that he's no longer around as a friend and companion, and that we no longer have a shared life, but I realise that the situation couldn't continue indefinitely... neither of us wanted or deserved to spend the rest of our lives in a passionless relationship, it was just difficult to disentangle myself from the relationship and hurt him by admitting that I didn't find him physically attractive (as I said, I still never admitted this).

 

So, that's what happened. I think I ended up in a couple of relationships similar to this because I was very prone to mistaking friendship and emotional attraction for sexual attraction, and then realising later on that I actually didn't fancy the guy... now that I'm a bit older I've learned that if you don't find someone physically attractive then no amount of emotional connection is going to produce a lasting relationship.

[Thornton]

Thornton,

This level of total transparency is every bit as rare as it is valuable. I had initially assumed your behavior to be quite selfish. Now it doesn't seem selfish at all. I imagine this was "not fun" for you either.

 

I do wonder though. Was your need/desire to feel "sexual/attractive" largely/completely met by the fact that you had a man steadily pursuing you, and pursuing a sexual relationship with you during the 2 years you were sexless?

 

Only asking because my guess is that during that time period his sexual self esteem steadily eroded.

 

It's easy to be transparent on an anonymous discussion forum. I think women mistaking friendship and emotional closeness for sexual attraction (and only facing up to the true lack of physical attraction much later on) is more common than you might think. I hope that my transparency might give other people in a similar situation some insight, even if their situation isn't quite the same as mine.

 

To answer your question: I wasn't too bothered about feeling sexual with another person... I didn't fancy my partner and there was nobody else on the scene that I fancied either, so it's not like I was missing anything, plus I was still "taking care of myself" even though my partner didn't know it. I always felt that the relationship couldn't be permanent because I did miss having sex and I wanted children in the future; but as I said, there was nobody else I wanted to have sex with at the time anyway. Perhaps if I had met someone else who I did feel attracted to then I might have ended my relationship sooner, but as things stood I was better off in a happy friendship than I was alone, particularly given our living arrangements and the difficulties of splitting up. I would always think "the relationship will end eventually, but there's no sense in ending it right now, because we're reasonably happy apart from the sex thing and there's nothing else spoiling". I still felt attractive because I would get compliments on my looks and outfits from men and women, guys would flirt with me when I went out with my friends, I just didn't feel a need to follow through with that and actually have sex with someone. Having my partner pursuing me for sex didn't make me feel attractive, it just made me feel slightly annoyed and I was glad when he stopped it.

 

Weird as it may sound, I was actually quite happy during that period; we had a very stable and happy relationship, we were good friends and we never argued, our families loved each other and I really felt like I belonged, we had fun and I always felt supported and loved. I wish I could have felt physical attraction for him, because other than that our relationship was perfect... I would often wish that I could meet someone exactly like my partner but more handsome. Ultimately, I guess if you don't find someone physically attractive then everything else is in vain... I learned that lesson the hard way.

[Sam Spade]

Thanks for the explanation, it makes a lot of sense.

And that's why I personally would rather have my gf think that I'm hot, first and foremost, and only then bother with the remaining relationship details. (She gets goosebumps when I kiss her, and if that changes, I'll be all "Yo, wassup, whats your problem? over her :mad:".) On a more general note, that's also precisely why men get infuriated when a woman gives them the "you're a nice guy" speech. More than ever I'm convinced that contrary to all the stereotypes, women need their no-no juices flowing continually, rather any of the other empotional niceties and comforts that men are told they need to provide them. . (You can't be the man of the house if you're essentially a piece of intelligent furniture ). Apparently emotional and other comforts are somehow sufficient for women to sustain a relationship, but that is clearly not the case from (many or most) men's point of view...

[Untouchable_Fire]

It's easy to be transparent on an anonymous discussion forum. I think women mistaking friendship and emotional closeness for sexual attraction (and only facing up to the true lack of physical attraction much later on) is more common than you might think. I hope that my transparency might give other people in a similar situation some insight, even if their situation isn't quite the same as mine.

 

It's interesting, because back when I was married and my wife just completely stopped... my first assumption was that she no longer found me attractive. Which struck me as mildly insane... because nearly every other female does. If I was ugly or fat, I could have at least understood.

 

Over time I have come to realize that our experiences can often dictate what we find attractive or unattractive. When I was younger I swore I would never date a thick girl. A few years later I dated a girl who gained while we were dating. I was so happy in the relationship that it honestly changed my attraction levels.

 

It's weird, but I later took out my old yearbook and looked up the girls that I had thought were gorgeous back then... some I look at now and think... "uh she's Ok, but not what I remember"... and other girls I thought "wow... how did I not see her back then"

 

Attraction is hard to quantify.

[looking4 green grass]

This is a long thread and no, I didn't read the whole thing. So, this may have been covered before. There are diagnosable sexual disorders which need to be evaluated by a professional. (Check out the DSM IV for relevant diagnoses). There are also professional couselors, therapist, and medical professionals who deal with this on a regular basis. I would advise looking in your area for professionals who can evaluate your wife to see what the REAL problem is. It might very well be a known medical cause with a simple solution.

 

I have referred patients out to these types of specialized clinics before and always gotten positive feedback.

[NoIDidn't]

I must say to those who keep offering the advice to James to get a divorce, he has already stated many times its not an option for him.

 

Also another thing that bugs me, is when people call his wife selfish. I'm sure it seems that way and probably even so to James, however, we don't know WHY things are the way they are. Even he stated he doesn't know why shes not interested or whatever. It could be one main reason, or it could be several reasons that play a role in it. But to say she is selfish makes it come across as if the person saying it, 100% knows why, and that it's because she just doesn't want to. You don't know that, I don't know it, and so far neither does James.

 

And, yes even though she might say she's not interested, you still don't know why that might be.

 

I agree with you, and said as much on the previous page. Its clear that she is suffering too, or she wouldn't have said such in exasperation to him.

 

There could be several things going on with his W. I, myself, am having a hard time getting a diagnosis for an issue that I am facing because my tests are normal and my doctor is unimaginative. When you deal with something like this and it affects quality of life (like sex) vs survival (like breathing), the medical establishment tends to ignore you and you start to quit trying to convince them otherwise.

 

I'm not saying this is happening with JamesM's W, but its so insensitive for some posters to even get to the point of saying that he is being emotionally abused. I know he might feel that way, but even he hasn't said that about his W's actions so I don't think its fair that others are saying it to him.

[NoIDidn't]

This is a long thread and no, I didn't read the whole thing. So, this may have been covered before. There are diagnosable sexual disorders which need to be evaluated by a professional. (Check out the DSM IV for relevant diagnoses). There are also professional couselors, therapist, and medical professionals who deal with this on a regular basis. I would advise looking in your area for professionals who can evaluate your wife to see what the REAL problem is. It might very well be a known medical cause with a simple solution.

 

I have referred patients out to these types of specialized clinics before and always gotten positive feedback.

 

I agree. And I think that James may have to accept that some of these cases are not curable/do not respond to treatment.

[Phateless]

Thornton - thank you so much for laying it all out there for us guys. It's hard to hear, but it's the honest truth and it really does explain so much.