"If you want sex, then you will have to get it somewhere else."

[Chrome Barracuda]

James Whats going on playboy? You never hit us back with an update. We all want to know what your gonna do. Me especially and some of the vets here are waiting on your words.

 

I mean are you gonna continue in a sexless marriage or are you finally gonna solve this thing?

[Sam Spade]

Well if you're only connection is sex, your marriage is in trouble anyway. Sex is not the only, or most important way, to connect.

 

This is so inaccurate. In the absence of sex, the woman next to a man might as well just be his mom or aunt. Sex is pretty much the only factor that generates and sustains real feelings of love in a man and if it stops, the feeling of being in love WILL go away, and fast.

[ohhellno]

I have said it on other threads, but this is pretty much what my wife told me about five months ago.

 

In a conversation about different things which led to sex, she said that if she had her druthers, then we would not have sex anymore, and if it was that important to me, then I would need to find it somewhere else.

 

Now if you have read my threads, then hopefully you have determined that I have attempted over the years to solve this problem. We have had sex occasionally (once or twice a month) since then. She actually enjoyed it sometimes, too. But she has made the comment about her not wanting it anymore, too, although not the "get it somewhere else" comment.

 

So, my question is....what would you do?

 

I am not into hearing about why she said it or what I should be doing so that she loves sex again. I know the list, and hopefully again for those who have followed any of my comments, I come across as one who has tried most everything since I joined LS.

 

My question again is....how would you approach things now?

 

Would you deliver an ultimatum? (I did this three years ago and it gave a temporary change).

 

Would you ask for a divorce?

 

Would you demand sex?

 

Would you begin an affair?

 

Would you simply "purchase" it from a safe place?

 

Would you get a :f***buddy?

 

Or what other response would you have?

 

Hello James,

This my very first blog that I have read here on this forum, I am a new member as of 5 minutes ago so I am not aware of what you may have posted in the past about your relationship with your wife. Like everyone else I joined this forum for a reason, so I am curious to know why your wife has decided to stop having sex with you?

[ohhellno]

I would have a frank discussion about the fact that I didn't want an open marriage when I got married nor do I want to venture outside the marriage now. I would talk to her about seeing a counselor together and seeing a doctor about her libido issues.

 

That suggestion to go outside of the marriage pretty much sucks.

 

Oh if that is what it's about (libido) there are physicians that can fix those problems. The reason you probably haven't heard much about such procedures is because "sex" issues is a very sensitive subject to talk about. Have you ever heard of vaginoplasty? Look it up and you will be surprised as to what can be fixed. If this is your wife we are talking about why is she embarrassed for you to see her goodies, you've been seeing it this long? Sounds like there may be some other issues going on.

[ohhellno]

Hey James

 

It seems like something is really bothering her. Why does she not want to have sex? She could have some sort of hormonal problem allowing her sex drive to ka-put. How long have you two been married? This may need the help of a therapist or sex therapist. Could you talk to her about her fantasies? There must be a root problem somewhere.

 

I don't recommend an affair by any means. Obviously this no sex thing is a secondary problem. There just must be a primary. Could she possibly be having an affair?

 

Ever tried 4 play on top of candle lights and some nice slow romantic music. How would she react if you were to try what I mentioned and some?

[mem11363]

For MOST guys this is way more about feeling loved and desired then it is about a good orgasm. I would not tolerate sexual aversion or sexual indifference in my marriage. Sex is not an "optional" part of marriage UNLESS you have a medical condition.

 

However, right now my wife has some inflammation thing. Started 5 days ago. Might last another few days, another week - heck once before in our 20 year marriage she had this and it lasted 2 months. So how much tension does that cause us. None. Because:

- I KNOW my wife loves me and desires me, so this is not happening in the context of me wondering about the strength of her feelings for me

- I tell her I am sorry for her - it is not comfortable being - inflamed.

- She tells me she is sorry for not performing her "wifely duties" LOL

- She also routinely offers to relieve me in that most delightful of ways and I know this is a sincere offer

- And I say "no thanks" and I just suck it up. I figure that is being a nice partner, I mean since she is seriously uncomfortable it would be a little selfish me saying sure a BJ would be nice. Maybe eventually I might break down if this goes on for a long time but I have a lot of self control.

- But every day I touch, kiss, caress and massage her - which does make me get a bit overheated - but it is nice and I know it is nice for her also

- And tomorrow I think we will give each other long full body massages

 

 

But this situation would be totally different if she was sexually averse to me or emotionally indifferent to my needs or both. That would evoke an immediate reaction from me:

"This needs to be fixed, and quickly and I need to know it is just as high a priority for her as it is for me" Because those two things are "core" and I would not tolerate her giving them a low priority.

 

 

This is so inaccurate. In the absence of sex, the woman next to a man might as well just be his mom or aunt. Sex is pretty much the only factor that generates and sustains real feelings of love in a man and if it stops, the feeling of being in love WILL go away, and fast.

[ohhellno]

This is a touchy subject. A couple of years ago I brought up the subject of only having sex once a month or so, one occasion went 4 months without anything. Wife said basically the same thing, she could go without sex from now on, never feels like it, yada yada.

 

She said the exact thing, if you want sex, go find a girlfriend. Guess what, I did, well not exactly let me explain:

I had two women, one I worked with, and another who was actually a friend of my wife's. I became close friend's with both, we would talk, see each other at the gym, nothing inappropriate. My wife would actually refer to them as my "girlfriends". My wife knew what things were, and I never keep anything from her as far as activities or conversations with my "girlfriends". I started working out hard, lost 30lbs of fat, trimmed up. Everyone, especially my wife's female friends would comment on how good her husband looked, how they wish their husband's concentrated on self improvment, yada, yada. The capper was when one of my "girlfriends" told my wife that if she, (wife), didn't take care of her husband, someone else would.

 

Well, eventually jealously crept in. Guess what, the sex bug returned. Not as much as I would have liked, but more than what was happening before.

 

I guess the light went off in my wife's head and she decided she needed to do something to keep her man happy. Even though later on down the road she almost threw it all away. But, that's another story for another day.

 

So are you still have relations with the other two... women?

[ohhellno]

I have your PM and promise to respond. I kinda forgot that I didn't. I really appreciate your advice and I have been thinking about much of it.

 

You are right. I know what I can tolerate. I know that I don't "need" alot of sex. An occasional affirmation does the trick. I do know that a complete rejection simply cuts it all off, and that hurts. And I know that our relationship has suffered. In her mind if I simply move on off of sex, then everything can be great. As I think you said, sex is the enemy.

 

The problem is that if she backs of the sex out of marriage comment but still refuse sex in marriage, then we still have a problem.

 

She has made the "If I had my druthers, then we would have no sex" a couple more times. But puzzling to me is that the few times we have had sex, she has not acted repulsed but enjoyed it to a degree.

 

 

 

Thank you for your kind words. I have followed your posts and appreciate your insights. Your advice on other threads has been helpful to me as well.

 

If stepping out of the marriage means an affair, I agree wholeheartedly. Beyond that, I am not sure.

 

Uhmm what exactly is druthers?

[ohhellno]

WELL SAID I can not agree with you more, for some reason people don't believe that children are a lot wiser today than they ever have been. Stop depriving yourself of happiness unless you have a solid plan that takes a little time

[CarrieT]

James Whats going on playboy? You never hit us back with an update. We all want to know what your gonna do. Me especially and some of the vets here are waiting on your words.

 

I mean are you gonna continue in a sexless marriage or are you finally gonna solve this thing?

 

He told us several days ago that he is not rushing into making a decision:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2378512&postcount=165

[Chrome Barracuda]

He told us several days ago that he is not rushing into making a decision:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2378512&postcount=165

 

 

Damn james make a choice. I couldnt as a man be in a sexless marriage where I didnt get my needs met. It'd be so hard for me to deny that sexual apetitite especially if my wife was smoking hot. And I loved her.

 

Some women just dont know.

[Pink Cupcakes]

So what happens when you get older and you can't have sex as much anyway? What happens if your partner gets cancer and can't have sex for a year or longer? Do you dump them because you're not having sex and therefor the connection is gone?

Sounds like Jame's wife is simply not as sex driven, but she does have sex and enjoy it when she has it, about twice a month. So the sex connection is there, the connection is going to have to be supplemented with more than the physical.

If what the other poster said, that a sexual connection is the only way a man connects, then he can go purchase that connection with a prostitute and not bother with marriage. With that logic, the only reason men get married is not love, but sex, which is whack.

 

PC,

You truly have no understanding of how the typical man thinks/feels/reacts. If you did, you would not make these simplistic cartoonlike statements.

[Chrome Barracuda]

So what happens when you get older and you can't have sex as much anyway? What happens if your partner gets cancer and can't have sex for a year or longer? Do you dump them because you're not having sex and therefor the connection is gone?

Sounds like Jame's wife is simply not as sex driven, but she does have sex and enjoy it when she has it, about twice a month. So the sex connection is there, the connection is going to have to be supplemented with more than the physical.

If what the other poster said, that a sexual connection is the only way a man connects, then he can go purchase that connection with a prostitute and not bother with marriage. With that logic, the only reason men get married is not love, but sex, which is whack.

 

Hold up PC, a woman who is having cancer and being sick is different way, different from a full grown and healthy woman. period. If she is selfishly using sex as a weapon, and some might says she is, then why cant he be mad about it.

 

I'm not telling him to have an affair. I saying for him and many other men in similar situations is to put your foot down and come up with a resolution.

 

Men need sex, alot of times men view sex as intimacy and closeness and it makes them feel connected too. Women need sex but are too timid to say so. I dont know why women think that they should be adverse to it. Did they not think that marriage would stop all sex life. If any man dated a woman who did not have sex during the relationship why would it change if he married her, and also on the flipside if your constantly having sex during the relationship before marriage and then it stops because she's doing it, then why would we tolerate that.

 

There's alot of women who want to have sex in their marriage too but their husbands arent putting out which is a shame. I might have to scream if I couldnt get it up! lol.

[Sam Spade]

So what happens when you get older and you can't have sex as much anyway? What happens if your partner gets cancer and can't have sex for a year or longer? Do you dump them because you're not having sex and therefor the connection is gone?

Sounds like Jame's wife is simply not as sex driven, but she does have sex and enjoy it when she has it, about twice a month. So the sex connection is there, the connection is going to have to be supplemented with more than the physical.

If what the other poster said, that a sexual connection is the only way a man connects, then he can go purchase that connection with a prostitute and not bother with marriage. With that logic, the only reason men get married is not love, but sex, which is whack.

 

 

As you get older sex drive naturally decreases, but gradually.

Being in yout early 40s is way too early for sex to stop completely; When you're 65, a nice meal could be as good as sex, but not earlier .

[Sam Spade]

 

There's alot of women who want to have sex in their marriage too but their husbands arent putting out which is a shame. .

 

It is a shame, in my last (5 year) relationship it has happened multiple times for me "just not to feel like it" - stressed, tired, or just plain lazy. I could go a couple of weeks without, no problem. But the truth is that at bottom it is plain freaking *laziness*, so I promptly shaped up and would always have sex whenever my gf wanted it, even if I didn't really feel like it at the moment (and of course, once you get past the I'm not really felling it point, it turns out to be pretty darn good anyway). Why should men expect anything less from women???

[Trialbyfire]

Can we bring the topic back to James and his specific situation v. the normal frenzy of male and female gender wars about what love and connection mean?

 

Something is niggling at the back of my mind, about his wife taking some form of medication. Also, weight gain can affect libido, reliant on how much weight has been gained, not necessarily that his wife has gained weight.

 

All of this, including the second paragrah in this post, is conjecture. So before this gets into an "all about how" each one of you perceives sex personally, let James respond or not, as he so chooses. Until he gets a more definitive response from his wife, no one can know her true feelings on this.

[EnigmaXOXO]

This is also not about a sexless marriage from what James describes. When it comes to the frequency of sex, Mr. and Mrs. James aren’t outside the norm when it comes to the average married couple. As a matter of fact, they’re having sex more than the majority of single people in their age bracket who don’t have committed partners. Add to the mix the stress of caring for and raising young children, two busy careers, the stress of home and financial responsibilities... then top it all off with one partner who is still dealing with buried trauma from past sexual abuse and current health-related issues and it’s a darn miracle either one of them have managed to maintain any portion of their sanity.

 

My hat goes off to this married couple because in spite of their issues, they are still a testimony to their strength. Both as a couple and as individuals.

[mem11363]

My favorite quote is "when sex is good it is 10 percent of the relationship, when it is going badly it becomes 90 percent"

 

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I totally agree that this is about being "connected". Biggest difference between men and women on this is that male desire is "cumulative" just like our hunger for food. We are hardwired at a very deep level to get more and more anxious and more and more aggressive when denied mating priviledges just the same as you as a female will get more and more anxious and aggressive the longer you don't eat. I don't state this to justify "bad" behavior merely to describe the level of misery in common terms.

 

With that said, take a guy with an "ideal" frequency of every other day. Randomly provide him sex once or twice a month. The result is a guy who is in a "chronic" state of sexual deprivation. And my guess is that it is "worse" then being single, just like you would feel worse fasting for a day in a bakery then you would doing so out in the desert.

 

In a healthy marriage, the spouses reach a mutually agreeable compromise on frequency. The sad thing is that I think this IS Jame's wifes compromise. She has already told him that her "desired" frequency is ZERO. People only say that when they have a sexual aversion to the other person.

 

Sexual chemistry sure is simple when it works and amazingly complex and hard to repair when it breaks down. It might be that James wife really is not sure why she lacks desire for him, or that she knows and is certain that he cannot fix/change it. The thing is his pain is chronic and obvious and she sure doesn't seem to empathetic about it. I don't know about other folks, but when I am inadvertently causing my wife a lot of pain I sure do feel guilty about it. And I sure make it my highest priority to try and fix it even if it is not my "fault". That is clearly not the case here making it seem like a very one-sided marriage.

 

As for the cancer comment. I have never seen a post on here from a husband complaining he has been denied sex for a year while his wife goes through chemo or radiation. I think males that barbaric typically don't own computers.

 

Everybody expects things to slowly slow down with age. But 1-2 a month is not even close to an acceptable frequency for a sexually healthy couple in their mid forties.

 

 

 

 

So what happens when you get older and you can't have sex as much anyway? What happens if your partner gets cancer and can't have sex for a year or longer? Do you dump them because you're not having sex and therefor the connection is gone?

Sounds like Jame's wife is simply not as sex driven, but she does have sex and enjoy it when she has it, about twice a month. So the sex connection is there, the connection is going to have to be supplemented with more than the physical.

If what the other poster said, that a sexual connection is the only way a man connects, then he can go purchase that connection with a prostitute and not bother with marriage. With that logic, the only reason men get married is not love, but sex, which is whack.

[Mr. Lucky]

When it comes to the frequency of sex, Mr. and Mrs. James aren’t outside the norm when it comes to the average married couple.

I don't think that the stats back you up on frequency. Nor do I think that James' desire to connect with his W once a week is unreasonable. It's amazing how 45 minutes of good sex can enhance the mind set of both partners over the next several days...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Pink Cupcakes]

It's not always the case that it's age. People just naturally differ in their sex drives.

 

 

As you get older sex drive naturally decreases, but gradually.

Being in yout early 40s is way too early for sex to stop completely; When you're 65, a nice meal could be as good as sex, but not earlier .

[Pink Cupcakes]

That's exactly what I was saying. Thanks, Enigma.

I would have to hear James's wife's side of the situation to really understand it. Maybe her comment just meant she doesn't feel like doing it that much. If it is that she is denying sex as a passive agressive tactic, then that is different, but if she is feeling resentment, then hopefully MC would help to get to the core of her resentment.

I had a guy I was seeing a couple years back who had not had sex at all in 2 years before he met me, because his exwife denied him sex because she was having a 7 year long affair. Before that, he had had sex about once every 6 months. Now that is a problem.

We don't know if it is possible that James's wife simply has a lower sex drive than her husband.

 

This is also not about a sexless marriage from what James describes. When it comes to the frequency of sex, Mr. and Mrs. James aren’t outside the norm when it comes to the average married couple. As a matter of fact, they’re having sex more than the majority of single people in their age bracket who don’t have committed partners. Add to the mix the stress of caring for and raising young children, two busy careers, the stress of home and financial responsibilities... then top it all off with one partner who is still dealing with buried trauma from past sexual abuse and current health-related issues and it’s a darn miracle either one of them have managed to maintain any portion of their sanity.

 

My hat goes off to this married couple because in spite of their issues, they are still a testimony to their strength. Both as a couple and as individuals.

[Phateless]

That's exactly what I was saying. Thanks, Enigma.

I would have to hear James's wife's side of the situation to really understand it. Maybe her comment just meant she doesn't feel like doing it that much. If it is that she is denying sex as a passive agressive tactic, then that is different, but if she is feeling resentment, then hopefully MC would help to get to the core of her resentment.

I had a guy I was seeing a couple years back who had not had sex at all in 2 years before he met me, because his exwife denied him sex because she was having a 7 year long affair. Before that, he had had sex about once every 6 months. Now that is a problem.

We don't know if it is possible that James's wife simply has a lower sex drive than her husband.

 

Why do you think we have nearly 7 BILLION people on planet? Nobody has a sex drive so low that they can go two months without for no reason. It's biological.

 

If there IS an extenuating circumstance, it is her RESPONSIBILITY as his wife to tell him WTF is going on.

 

How can anyone be so blind as to 100% reject their partner sexually and expect everything else to be fine? That's insane.

[Pink Cupcakes]

It's just that her sex drive is lower. This doesn't make her abnormal. It doesn't mean that she's "rejecting" her husband...they should just learn to connect in other ways besides sex.

[dieselcat]

Some people are done with sex after a time. I do think it matters how the rest of the marriage is and whether you are happy with her in other ways. Do you want to stay in a sexless marriage. I think counseling is a good idea. Could she be angry at you and cutting herself off from you that way because she can't express her disappointment and she is stuck? maybe you need to ask her if she has anything to say to you outside of the sex topic...

 

Best of luck.

[Mr. Lucky]

It's just that her sex drive is lower. This doesn't make her abnormal. It doesn't mean that she's "rejecting" her husband...they should just learn to connect in other ways besides sex.

If only James could get rid of that pesky testosterone then all would be well in Cupcake land...

 

Mr. Lucky