"If you want sex, then you will have to get it somewhere else."

[Juniper22]

Forgive me James if this has been asked already, because I have only been here a few months. So if its already been asked I do apologize.

 

Your join date says in 2005, so is that why you originally came to LS is due to this same problem you are still having? Its going on 2010. I'm not sure how long this has been an issue, but even if it went as far back as way before your join date in 2005, thats a good while to still be struggling with the same issue.

 

I agree, also with the fact that your wife may be acting the way she is, still, because she doesn't think she has anything to lose. So maybe in her mind, she figures, why bother, You're not going anywhere.

[tnhusband]

I tried to quote tnhusband's comments, too, but it seems that I didn't. I am seriously giving thought to his ideas not to changer her and to change me. However, my motivation will be for me and as a way to focus on me and my satisfaction versus having the feeling that I am begging her to change. If in any way I feel that my changes are to influence her, then I think I will be losing some more self esteem for myself...or rather feel that I gave in to get her to want me. I cannot do this.

 

James - I can honestly say when I started the process of making changes to myself I had already reached the point where I really wasn't doing it in hopes my wifes libido would increase. I was so angry with her. Frustrated. Not really even in the mood for her because pity/duty sex is not a turn on.

 

So I made changes to make me happy. Partially to distract me from thinking about sex all the time. Some things I hated and stopped. Some things were fun for a while but did not last. Others turned out to be fun and long lasting. Some of the changes were so personal I would not share them here. I hope you do buy the book I mentioned.

 

I just keep seeing all these posts and can't help but reiterate that sure some may result in her having more sex with you. e.g. if you threaten to get it elsewhere or threaten to leave. But none of them would probably actually change her libido - they may actually decrease it as she would now be having sex for the wrong reasons. At least now she has sex with you probably based mainly on her love for you.

 

This is about her LIBIDO - not sex.

 

This is about her desire for sex with James - not about James having sex or getting off etc.

 

Now my wife and I are having better sex more frequently I think about it like 10% of the time. It used to be 90%! So I'm more productive in my personal life and my work. All of these are positive things that I can't help think makes me even more attractive in my wifes sub-conscious - which affects her LIBIDO.

[marlena]

This might sound odd and perhaps rude, but, could you just pleasure yourself privately and enjoy the bond that you have with her otherwise?

 

 

 

I had to resort to this for about a year before my marriage broke up. I never felt more forsaken than those times that I did. It was demoralizing and insulting to me as a woman and as a human-being.

[OldEurope]

So the onus has to be put on James to do the "changing"? Let's see--jump through hoops to maintain a family, the credit card bils, the good character, the sense of humor, the life-blood of the marriage and she is expected to.....

 

....to do...what, exactly?

 

Libido, Sex--they are interrelated. Whether her sex drive is up or down, is not the issue. It is WHAT she SAID to him that is so terrible. A woman with any amount of compassion would not say that to a man. I believe she does love him, but this was a moment of truth in the slip of a comment that must be taken seriously.

 

Her desire for him will only return when she becomes insecure. Trust me on this.

 

xoOE

[Phateless]

So the onus has to be put on James to do the "changing"? Let's see--jump through hoops to maintain a family, the credit card bils, the good character, the sense of humor, the life-blood of the marriage and she is expected to.....

 

....to do...what, exactly?

 

Libido, Sex--they are interrelated. Whether her sex drive is up or down, is not the issue. It is WHAT she SAID to him that is so terrible. A woman with any amount of compassion would not say that to a man. I believe she does love him, but this was a moment of truth in the slip of a comment that must be taken seriously.

 

Her desire for him will only return when she becomes insecure. Trust me on this.

 

xoOE

 

BINGO! James has ignored 35 pages of good advice. Time to sack up and DO something!

[hotleggs]

I have said it on other threads, but this is pretty much what my wife told me about five months ago.

 

In a conversation about different things which led to sex, she said that if she had her druthers, then we would not have sex anymore, and if it was that important to me, then I would need to find it somewhere else.

 

Now if you have read my threads, then hopefully you have determined that I have attempted over the years to solve this problem. We have had sex occasionally (once or twice a month) since then. She actually enjoyed it sometimes, too. But she has made the comment about her not wanting it anymore, too, although not the "get it somewhere else" comment.

 

So, my question is....what would you do?

 

I am not into hearing about why she said it or what I should be doing so that she loves sex again. I know the list, and hopefully again for those who have followed any of my comments, I come across as one who has tried most everything since I joined LS.

 

My question again is....how would you approach things now?

 

Would you deliver an ultimatum? (I did this three years ago and it gave a temporary change).

 

Would you ask for a divorce?

 

Would you demand sex?

 

Would you begin an affair?

 

Would you simply "purchase" it from a safe place?

 

Would you get a :f***buddy?

 

Or what other response would you have?

 

 

go fill your boots boy hehe

[Mr. Lucky]

she is expected to.....to do...what, exactly?

I'd guess that she'd be expected to:

jump through hoops to maintain a family, the credit card bils, the good character, the sense of humor, the life-blood of the marriage

This is about more than sex. Why is that so hard to understand?

 

Mr. Lucky

[tommyr]

If I "asked" for sex once a week and got it, then I would wonder if the desire was there.

Here is the root of your problem: you are hung-up on her libido and sexual desire. Clearly she is just plain lacking in that department, and there may be nothing you or she or medical science could ever do to "fix" it.

 

So the only way you will have a sexual relationship with your current wife is if she actually loves you. Got that? She will agree to have sex out of love for you and your marriage - it has nothing to do with her libdo.

 

Say your wife comes to you and says:

My high school reunion is next week and because this an important event I would really be happy if you come along - will you please join me?

This is a reasonable request for a spouse to make. And even though you might totally despise these stupid gatherings, would you not say YES simply out of love for her? Would you not get all dressed up and go out there by her side making pointless conversation with her long lost friends?

 

So in this scenario, your own personal desire to attend a high school reunion is irrelevant - you go and enjoy yourself because you love her. If libido and desire are so important, do you really think the happy ending masseuse is a horny girl and her husband just won't put out?

 

This is the last time I will tell you the secret of my own saved marriage:

 

I asked my wife to have sex and she agreed - out of love, not desire.

I did NOT put the ball in her court expecting her to plan all of our sexual moments. She never thinks of sex so that would be foolish of me! Knowing that she loves me and agrees that us having sex is important to our marriage, I use my own libido to keep the ball rolling. And you know what? She enjoys our time together, even though her libido is low as ever.

 

Good luck James.

[giotto]

I asked my wife to have sex and she agreed - out of love, not desire.

I did NOT put the ball in her court expecting her to plan all of our sexual moments. She never thinks of sex so that would be foolish of me! Knowing that she loves me and agrees that us having sex is important to our marriage, I use my own libido to keep the ball rolling. And you know what? She enjoys our time together, even though her libido is low as ever.

 

Good luck James.

 

I must agree with this... if your wife truly loves you, she should make an effort and have sex with you regularly. That would be an act of love. Unless she hates the actual physical act...

[marlena]

This is about more than sex. Why is that so hard to understand?

 

 

This about expressing love through sex. This is James's gripe after all, isn't it? The lack of physical intimacy in his marriage? Or am I missing something?

[marlena]

So the only way you will have a sexual relationship with your current wife is if she actually loves you. Got that? She will agree to have sex out of love for you and your marriage - it has nothing to do with her libdo.

 

 

 

I agree with this poster. As distasteful as it may be to her, she would try to improve their sex life anyway, if only just to please him. Many people are not in the mood for sex but do it anyway simply because their partner is. If not always, often enough. That's what a spouse who loves his/her SO does.

[JamesM]

 

So the only way you will have a sexual relationship with your current wife is if she actually loves you. Got that? She will agree to have sex out of love for you and your marriage - it has nothing to do with her libdo.

 

 

 

I asked my wife to have sex and she agreed - out of love, not desire. I did NOT put the ball in her court expecting her to plan all of our sexual moments. She never thinks of sex so that would be foolish of me! Knowing that she loves me and agrees that us having sex is important to our marriage, I use my own libido to keep the ball rolling. And you know what? She enjoys our time together, even though her libido is low as ever.

 

Good luck James.

 

I understand you better this time. Sometimes it takes me awhile. And saying it like this...it makes sense. I agree....this may be the only way we do have it.

 

Actually, in many senses, this IS how we do it, but I guess I am not forward enough to ask more often. Of course, when one knows that the wife doesn't really like it, then I think that makes me a little reluctant to push her.

 

Tommyr, I thank you for your imput, and I think it is very applicable to mine...moreso than I thought. I will be giving this some thought.

 

As for her libido never getting fixed, I cannot accept that yet. Maybe I am too much of an optimist.

 

Marlena, it is true...I want the physical intimacy with her. And when she talks as she did this past April, then the hurt is knowing that she does not view sex in the same way.

[OldEurope]

I'd guess that she'd be expected to:

 

This is about more than sex. Why is that so hard to understand?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

 

Umm, and what part of "If you want to have sex you better go find it somewhere else" are you not getting??

 

No wife would say that to a husband she loves and respects , I am sorry. That was provocative and crude, and an expression of cynicism and cold-hearted arrogance.

 

But the choir chimes in once again....James, according to many posters, is expected to--once again--pull out all the stops to "help her" and make all kinds of nice gestures as tommynr suggests he must ( but as if he hasn't already been doing the whole marriage through), and see to her "needs" and write this off as "libido" problems, and all the rest of it...No one is yet suggesting that he fight fire with fire and tell her straight back to her face something equally provocative OR to let her get a sense of what such terrible words of hers might bring about as a consequence.

 

IF this were about libido, as I said just above, she still would not have formulated her comments the way she did. You do not take into account how serious and cruel those words are and when a woman gets to that point of expression, I am sorry, but feelings are dying out...

 

The only thing that will work is for her to realize what she might lose. Everything else will be but an agonizing waste of his time

 

OE

[carhill]

Taken out of context, that statement about finding sex elsewhere smacks of someone who is emotionally detached. Whether that is situational or pervasive is unclear. The OP has better knowledge and insight. IME, in my M, is was pervasive. It wasn't until I detached myself that I understood that dynamic with clarity. I hope, for the OP's sake, it's situational.

[giotto]

James mentioned that she said it in a moment of anger, if I remember correctly, not as a cold, detached statement...

[carhill]

IME, statements spoken in anger merely are bereft of the filters previously preventing their utterance.

[EnigmasMuse]

I don't know. I don't think its about being optimistic of the situation James, I think its about two people very dependent on one another. Both seem unhappy but neither is willing to truly work on things nor let go and move on. I understand when a person comes here they tell their side, and there is always two sides. SOMETIMES I can't help but wonder if there is a little more to the story, than what's being told.

[tnhusband]

A lot of different opinions on here - but from my own experiences as a man dealing with a wife similar to James I just don't think James wants his wife to just have more sex with him.

 

Maybe James could clarify that for us. Would just more sex help? Or are you looking for the same thing I was looking for - which was for my wife to have a healthy libido and actually desire/need sex FOR HER.

 

A few years ago I got my wife to have sex with me once a week because she thought I was going to leave her. For about 3-4 months I struggled with it - that was not what I wanted. I wanted her to want to have sex FOR HER. Not for me. Duty sex was not making either of us happy.

 

Have her have sex with James just because she is insecure - wow - that just does not sound healthy or much fun. I don't think that is likely to make her desire him.

 

And of course sex and libido are interrelated but they are not the same thing at all. You can have sex without a libido of course. But it's not the same!

[tnhusband]

I must agree with this... if your wife truly loves you, she should make an effort and have sex with you regularly. That would be an act of love. Unless she hates the actual physical act...

 

 

Some women yes - but a lot of women think the opposite - if YOU love ME - you would not such a big deal about sex.

 

We are dealing with two separate brains here - James thinks one way and his wife thinks another.

 

And the same for posters on here - this isn't about what YOU would do in this situation. Or what YOU think is right. This is about James and his wife and what THEY can do. Obviously his wife isn't going to do all these things that keep being suggested or she would have done them by now.

 

James you have been going through this for enough years - do you really know what YOU want anymore?

[Phateless]

Some women yes - but a lot of women think the opposite - if YOU love ME - you would not such a big deal about sex.

 

We are dealing with two separate brains here - James thinks one way and his wife thinks another.

 

And the same for posters on here - this isn't about what YOU would do in this situation. Or what YOU think is right. This is about James and his wife and what THEY can do. Obviously his wife isn't going to do all these things that keep being suggested or she would have done them by now.

 

James you have been going through this for enough years - do you really know what YOU want anymore?

 

Agreed. I think this has reached the point where James is doing this to himself by refusing to leave her.

[Trialbyfire]

Thanks James. It's kind of you to say.

 

I will post if I have any new input. Beyond that, it's just a repetition of what I've already stated.

 

I will re-encourage you to give it some time, a reasonable length of time. After that, it's time to piss or get off the pot. But you already know that.

 

My fingers remain crossed for your marriage. While I don't believe in "until death do you part" at any and all costs, I think what you're doing by putting everything into this marriage, peeking behind every possible corner, is admirable and worthy of respect.

 

Good luck James!

[blair08]

I think hope is a wonderful thing to have. Its always a positive thing, however, after awhile, I guess its hard to understand how long just one would continue to hold on in hopes things will change. I guess there is such a thing as false hope. I hope not for you James. I think you've tried many things but maybe there is just one thing you haven't tried and maybe thats the one thing that will work.

[aaragon200004]

sometimes you have to let your pride down and be a real man.

if she doesn't wanna have sex with you and you guys are married ther is a problem

 

I went throught the same thing too..

Girls like to have fun with it and if it isn't fun or romantic they lose intrest they start to flall away from you.

 

First try and salvage a relationship with her get on good terms and go out have have a good time with her..

after a romantic fun night dont have sex dont even think of it.. just keep setting the foundation for a better time.

 

When you guys feel that its time(decide together) then have a romantic love making session.. dont look at sex as a need. Really sex is made for two people in love and you have to rekindle that love to have a great sex life!!

 

Hope this helps and i promise it'll work if you make the effort

[amerikajin]

Okay, so your wife doesn't give it up. You get mad and leave. Then what?

[mem11363]

Aragon,

Above each post in the maroon bar is a number reflecting the count in the current thread. As you can see we are north of 500 in this one. You are context light and oversimplistic.

 

James,

I am sorry that a month ago I sounded like Aragon.

 

 

 

sometimes you have to let your pride down and be a real man.

if she doesn't wanna have sex with you and you guys are married ther is a problem

 

I went throught the same thing too..

Girls like to have fun with it and if it isn't fun or romantic they lose intrest they start to flall away from you.

 

First try and salvage a relationship with her get on good terms and go out have have a good time with her..

after a romantic fun night dont have sex dont even think of it.. just keep setting the foundation for a better time.

 

When you guys feel that its time(decide together) then have a romantic love making session.. dont look at sex as a need. Really sex is made for two people in love and you have to rekindle that love to have a great sex life!!

 

Hope this helps and i promise it'll work if you make the effort