Do you feel you're better than the wife?

[jasminetea]

I really hope this doesn't turn into a massive slanging match between OW and BS, it's a genuine question and something I struggled with myself when an MM pursued me.

 

Does having a MM pursue you and/or everything that entails being with an MM make you feel that you must be better than his wife? And if so, in what way(s) have you felt you were better than her? Do you know an OW like this?

 

If not now, have you ever felt you were better than his wife? Has it ever been an ego boost to know a MM wanted to be with you?

 

Finally, have you ever caught youself feeling that way or wondering about it, and stopped yourself from going any further with it? Why was that? And what did you tell yourself to stop yourself from feeling superior?

 

I'm not really interested in those women that haven't ever felt this way, its not really relevant to the questions here as I just want to understand this scenario more.

[TogetherForever]

To answer your question of do I feel I'm better than his wife:

No, not at all.

[MistyK]

 

Does having a MM pursue you and/or everything that entails being with an MM make you feel that you must be better than his wife?

 

No. We were just different. I believe I was more compatible with him than she, but not "better" in any way.

 

If not now, have you ever felt you were better than his wife?

Have you ever caught youself feeling that way or wondering about it, and stopped yourself from going any further with it? Why was that? And what did you tell yourself to stop yourself from feeling superior?

 

Sometimes, mostly when I felt like crap. It was usually when she'd do something particularly crazy/nasty like telling their 10 year old daughter than she is a "bitch" or stealing his keys, etc. Then I got to thinking that he made her crazy, and she just had a different way of expressing her distress than I do.

 

Honestly the bigger problem was believeg that his W was better than me. He went home to her, dragged his feet to leave her and then still clung for dear life. It became thoughts like: "what's wrong with me? why aren't I worth it, don't you love me?, why is she better than me that you keep choosing her over me?" I think a lot of OW struggle with this - especially when MM claims the W is such a b*tch, because then when he won't leave her, what does that say about the OW? So, if you feel OW are trying to make themselves feel superior, it's probably only because they're trying desperately to not feel so inferior.

 

Has it ever been an ego boost to know a MM wanted to be with you?

 

Not really. Hard to feel special when he goes home evry night to his wife. It's an ego boost when you get kind attention from any man, but with MM it doesn't go very far.

[jj33]

Jas you KNOW this is going to turn into a mudwrestling competition.

 

Yes in many ways I do but not because MM had a relationship with me when he was married to her. That has nothing to do with whether I am better than her. I am more accomplished, better educated, stronger values and moral principles (remember he was not cheating on her she knew and didnt care), better looking all sorts of things.

 

She has different strengths. And actually they get along better because they both enjoy the same amount of distance in their relationship. How do I know this? If they didnt, they would not continue to be married.

 

He is married and obviously likes it that way. So in his eyes what he has while married to her (regardless of whether I am "superior" to her) is better than not being married to her or being married to me.

 

And I am proud to say he has won me over to that line of thinking. She can have him.

 

I think its quite sad if someone thinks its an ego boost if an MM wants to be with them (look at what happened to Monica Lewinsky).

[Trialbyfire]

In my observations on LS and not from personal experience of the affair, since my ex-H was...errrr...different...you see the same triangle dynamics, where the MM/MW or central figure in the drama, causes dissension between the two men or women by aggravating jealousy and envy.

 

It's very much power, control and ego, taking over. In being able to have power and control over two other individuals or more, it's a massive ego stroke for the central drama figure.

 

Both or all the participants being controlled, need to walk away from the nutbar in the middle.

[TaraMaiden]

Jas you KNOW this is going to turn into a mudwrestling competition.

 

jj33...I kinda hope you mean 'mudslinging'..... I think if it turned into a 'mudwrestling' competition, LS moderators would have to close it down for the highly contentious content!!

(Now that would be something!!)

[2sure]

If not now, have you ever felt you were better than his wife? Has it ever been an ego boost to know a MM wanted to be with you?

 

Before I remarried and became the recipient of another pair of shoes...I was OW. Several times over.

 

And yes. Part of me felt an ego boost in being the object of MM's affection. As in - he is risking his wife to be with me. Sometimes I knew who the wife was (vaguely) and what she looked like. If I thought she was someone admirable...yes, I acknowledge there was something there.

 

The fact of the matter was...he was risking his wife and life , sure...but it wasnt to be with ME. I was simply vulnerable and available.

 

I realized this pretty early on in my relationships with MM. In fact I also realized that if these same men were available they wouldnt be dating me which was soon followed by the fact that they were not exactly what I had in mind either. I still got the ego boost of their attention , compliments, gifts, etc....which is a confidence I was able to hold to. But when they started with all that pillow talk , I was able to take it for what it was.

[ladydesigner]

Well my case is a little different being the MW but my xOM had a significant other. I never knew her or spoke to her. I only know what my xOM made her out to be. Which of course was all lies in the end. I have seen pictures of her. As far as thinking I am better than her... no. I know I am more attractive than her and am much older, but better... who am I to say anything.

 

"what's wrong with me? why aren't I worth it, don't you love me?, why is she better than me that you keep choosing her over me?" I think a lot of OW struggle with this

 

As Mistyk stated above, this is exactly how I felt in the end. What's wrong with me?

[jj33]

Thanks Tara. Yes taht is exactly what i meant but actually wrestling too - its the Im hotter even covered with mud thing;)

[NoIDidn't]

I'd imagine that some feel "better" than the W with regards to the way that Misty put it.

 

She feels that she is the "better" person for him because of compatibility and interests. To her this is a different kind of "better". It isn't the kind that says "I look better" or "I am smarter or more highly educated" or "I have my own business and all she is is a dumpy old homemaker".

 

But when it comes down to it, its still the same "attitude" of "better".

 

And its the job of the MM while in the A to continue to help the OW to feel that way as it benefits him by making her give more to him so that he will "see" it and make the "better" choice.

 

Its a fruitless consideration because the MM in the middle is getting the "best" of both women anyway. He's getting the best sex the OW can give him, while getting the best that he can glean from his W and marriage.

 

I only feel sorry for the women caught in this mess. Because they aren't getting the best of him, and yet are pulled into this pointless competition - whether they know it or not.

[Sanafa]

I never felt better... but we are very different and I don't think that is a "different" way of saying I am better.

 

And yes, we both have been hurt by loving the same man....so perhaps more similarities than we would like to realize.

 

I was not the only being feed to keep me where needed.

[Green]

I think its lame, some guy cheats on his wife who he is still with and complains about her. First off hes a liar who tells the biggest lies. Second off your a woman who is with a guy you know shouldn't be with you because he lies to women about what ever he wants cause its all just a good time.

[MistyK]

I'd imagine that some feel "better" than the W with regards to the way that Misty put it.

 

She feels that she is the "better" person for him because of compatibility and interests. To her this is a different kind of "better". It isn't the kind that says "I look better" or "I am smarter or more highly educated" or "I have my own business and all she is is a dumpy old homemaker".

 

But when it comes down to it, its still the same "attitude" of "better".

 

 

There are plenty of people in the world who get married for the wrong reason, I surely did. Generally speaking, I am way more compatible with xMM than I was with my xH. That doesn't mean he's better, or even better for me, just more compatible. We enjoyed more of the same things, and I was able to conversations with xMM about anything - politics, environmental and social issues, whatever, that I could have never had with my xH. Likewise, it is the same with his xW and me. She is in a bubble, doesn't care much about the world around her and asks xMM who to vote for. In truth, she'd likely be quite compatible with my xH.

 

My point is that I hope you understand that I don't need to feel superior to her - I'm not. In fact, I long struggled with the idea that she was far superior to me, at least in his eyes because of his actions. I honestly can't imagine anyone in their right mind thinking they are "better" than BS that the MM CHOOSES to go home to everynight.

 

RE my situation -Even now, post xMM's divorce, he STILL wavers as to what he wants. Her ties to him are that strong after 5 years of strained marital relations, 6 months of seperation and a finalized divorce- she is the mother of his kids and his 1st wife, no woman, no matter how awesome she is is going to be able to touch that. As far as he is concerned, she IS better than me.

[Adunaphel]

I don't know... I honestly think that most men would consider MM's wife a much better catch than I am, but I'd never, ever want to be like her.

[jj33]

Ah but Adunphel isnt that the issue? What is a "good catch"? Is it someone who is a stepford wife? In perfect shape, on all the PTA boards, a great tennis player, always knows the best restaurants and the chicest resorts? Or is it the person inside... or is it how they mesh with the other person?

 

There is no one set of criteria.

[Trialbyfire]

I don't know... I honestly think that most men would consider MM's wife a much better catch than I am, but I'd never, ever want to be like her.

Do you know her yourself and are a close friend to her or are you basing your assumptions on what your MM is telling you?

[Thornton]

I was the OW on two occasions... unintentionally, because the guys in question were cheating on their gfs and I didn't know they were even in a relationship because they were lying to me too.

 

In the first relationship I definitely felt like I was better than his gf... better looking, better educated, younger, etc... I couldn't actually understand why he was still bothering with her when he had me. But I guess I wasn't "better for him"... imo he was more suited to her than to me, because we were very different types of people and our relationship was based mainly on physical attraction.

 

In the second relationship I couldn't actually understand why he felt the need to cheat, because his gf was pretty, well educated, nice... I didn't think I was better than her, just different. I did however think I was "better for him", because he got along better with me than with her, hence why he cheated in the first place. In the end neither of us ended up with him, so who knows which of us was better... perhaps neither of us.

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

So, if you feel OW are trying to make themselves feel superior, it's probably only because they're trying desperately to not feel so inferior.

 

I have absolutely never felt like I was better than my MM's wife. In fact, as MistyK says, I feel quite the opposite -- and very strongly so. She's gorgeous and smart and MM has never said a bad thing about her. But, this thought of OW thinking theyr'e better than BWs never crossed my mind until this thread.

 

Perhaps what you're alluding to is how some OW have a cavalier attitude toward wives -- they're arrogant and careless and inconsiderate about the wife and/or the marriage. I will admit that I'm like that to some extent insofar as I do not ever see him with his wife and kids so it's hard for me to understand his marriage (I'm also younger than he is and have never been married.) So, maybe there is some confusion between this cavalier attitude and OW thinking they're better than the BW. I may have a cavalier attitude to some extent but I by no means would ever think I'm better than she is. If anything, it's the precise opposite.

 

Anyways, I got this thought about a OW having a cavalier attitude toward his MM's wife from this article that appeared in the Atlantic a few months back. I link to the third page because that's the relevant one. The whole thing is a good read though.

[Adunaphel]

Do you know her yourself and are a close friend to her or are you basing your assumptions on what your MM is telling you?

 

Had she been a close friend of mine, I would not be in a relationship with her H, even if I am entertaining a lame hope that perhaps, some day in the future, she and I might get along.

So yes, I am basing my assumptions on what he told me. I personally find it refreshing that MM speaks of her in a way that makes me think she must have many positive qualities.

[Trialbyfire]

Had she been a close friend of mine, I would not be in a relationship with her H, even if I am entertaining a lame hope that perhaps, some day in the future, she and I might get along.

So yes, I am basing my assumptions on what he told me. I personally find it refreshing that MM speaks of her in a way that makes me think she must have many positive qualities.

Then why wouldn't you ever want to be her or is it that you wouldn't want to be in her situation, the unknown recipient of her husband's...loving attentions...

[Adunaphel]

Then why wouldn't you ever want to be her or is it that you wouldn't want to be in her situation, the unknown recipient of her husband's...loving attentions...

 

He is separated now... and she does know about me (she is very understandably upset about it).

 

In a way you are right, it is her situation I'd not like to be in.

 

The main reason why I'd not like to be her is that I have 'control issues'... meaning that I have the urge to know where I stand, in which situation exactly I am in, how the other person is feeling... also, whenever I feel upset or anxious I must discuss how I am feeling right there and right now, and if I could I'd compile with my partner a list of all possible situations, and find out in advance how we'd both feel or react and whether we could work things out in hypothetical case A, case B, case C and so on.

I am exagerating the problem a little... but it's still an issue.

 

I am under the impression that MM's W is as bad a communicator as I, only 'on the opposite side'.

She is the kind of person who bottles up her feelings until she explodes, tends not to discuss problems until the situation is very unconfortable, and would rather know as little as possible about some situations.

 

For someone with my issues, which MM is probably easily bearing with at present because they are 'new ones', and which I probably should work on before I get dumped over them, the idea of being 'like her' is a nightmare.

Which is a paradox, as if I were like her, I would automatically be rid of the above issues...

 

Sorry about the long post, I just felt like explaining how I felt about it. (I had to laugh while reading the last sentence... as it's very in line with the problem I have!)

[jennie-jennie]

Only in the bedroom! LOL

 

Seriously, just like any other two women, W is better at some stuff, and I at some.

[Trialbyfire]

He is separated now... and she does know about me (she is very understandably upset about it).

 

In a way you are right, it is her situation I'd not like to be in.

 

The main reason why I'd not like to be her is that I have 'control issues'... meaning that I have the urge to know where I stand, in which situation exactly I am in, how the other person is feeling... also, whenever I feel upset or anxious I must discuss how I am feeling right there and right now, and if I could I'd compile with my partner a list of all possible situations, and find out in advance how we'd both feel or react and whether we could work things out in hypothetical case A, case B, case C and so on.

I am exagerating the problem a little... but it's still an issue.

 

I am under the impression that MM's W is as bad a communicator as I, only 'on the opposite side'.

She is the kind of person who bottles up her feelings until she explodes, tends not to discuss problems until the situation is very unconfortable, and would rather know as little as possible about some situations.

 

For someone with my issues, which MM is probably easily bearing with at present because they are 'new ones', and which I probably should work on before I get dumped over them, the idea of being 'like her' is a nightmare.

Which is a paradox, as if I were like her, I would automatically be rid of the above issues...

 

Sorry about the long post, I just felt like explaining how I felt about it. (I had to laugh while reading the last sentence... as it's very in line with the problem I have!)

Straight up Adunaphel, I don't know how you can trust this man. What he's done to his wife, he can easily do to you too.

[Lizzie60]

I don't know most of my MMs W... I've seen a few..

 

I don't think any OWs can answer this question objectively.

 

From what my MMs tell me, I'm very good in bed.. so I suppose I am better in that department..

 

For the rest.. I don't think I'm better but I can be just as good (ex. I am a good mother)... but I'm sure they are better cooks... (I hate cooking)..

[jasminetea]

Honestly the bigger problem was believeg that his W was better than me. He went home to her, dragged his feet to leave her and then still clung for dear life. It became thoughts like: "what's wrong with me? why aren't I worth it, don't you love me?, why is she better than me that you keep choosing her over me?"

I suppose because I never actually became an OW and had that journey, this never occured to me, but I can absolutely see how it happens.

 

I think a lot of OW struggle with this - especially when MM claims the W is such a b*tch, because then when he won't leave her, what does that say about the OW? So, if you feel OW are trying to make themselves feel superior, it's probably only because they're trying desperately to not feel so inferior.

That's a very interesting observation and makes a lot of sense.

 

 

Jas you KNOW this is going to turn into a mudwrestling competition.

Only if we get to wear cute sparkly bikinis while we do it

 

Yes in many ways I do but not because MM had a relationship with me when he was married to her. That has nothing to do with whether I am better than her. I am more accomplished, better educated, stronger values and moral principles (remember he was not cheating on her she knew and didnt care), better looking all sorts of things.

 

She has different strengths. And actually they get along better because they both enjoy the same amount of distance in their relationship. How do I know this? If they didnt, they would not continue to be married.

 

He is married and obviously likes it that way. So in his eyes what he has while married to her (regardless of whether I am "superior" to her) is better than not being married to her or being married to me.

Do you relate to what MistyK has said about coming to feel 'what's wrong with me?' Did you ever go through that?

 

 

In my observations on LS and not from personal experience of the affair, since my ex-H was...errrr...different...you see the same triangle dynamics, where the MM/MW or central figure in the drama, causes dissension between the two men or women by aggravating jealousy and envy.

 

It's very much power, control and ego, taking over. In being able to have power and control over two other individuals or more, it's a massive ego stroke for the central drama figure.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Gosh, I've known it all along but I haven't been able to express what it was with regards to the MM who made advances on me. It wasn't about having sex or because I'm some sort of goddess (oh, how I wish) that he just had to have, it was actually about power. I bet he had a small willy

 

Perhaps what you're alluding to is how some OW have a cavalier attitude toward wives --

Not really. I was exploring how I had felt when a MM chased me, which wasn't cavalier more an ego boost, and wondering if other women had felt that way. What you're calling 'cavalier' is I think what MistyK is referring to and she's explained that really well.

 

Thanks everyone who's contributed, very interesting stuff