Do you feel you're better than the wife?

[skylarblue]

...devoid of empathy and compassion? Absolutely not me. Some things I am very sensitive and/or compassionate about and others not so much. Seeing my MM beacuse I find pleasure in deceiving the W, I admit not so empathetic. But I don't think it's any more or less compassionate if I was with him because I loved him. The W is still being hurt. At least in my case, I have zero desire in having anything other than a sexual relationship with her H. Isn't it a better situation for her than an OW who has an emotional relationship and wants or hopes for H to get a divorce?

I've totally acknowledge that it's f*cked up, and I actually think it's beyond f*cked up because I know the lengths I go to get this grandiose feeling of accomplishment. But I would never, ever tell his W of the affair, and I always assure him of this during times when she gets inquisitive. But sorry, I don't feel any guilt.

[OWoman]

I think I derived a certain level of satisfaction from knowing what she looked like and knowing that she really is very unattractive.

 

Why? Would it not have been more "satisfying" if she'd been attractive - if there was a competitive element? IMO, choosing the hottie over the dog doesn't really provide any "victory" for the hottie, it's just an affirmation that she's not a dog.

[jj33]

Skylar IMO youve got it toally backwards.

 

If you are 20 years younger hot and v attractive, then to the guy this is a TOTAL ego boost. He is walking around thinking I AM THE MAN! I AM SUCH A STUD.

 

Honey I dont know how old you are but getting a man to sleep with you, if hes open to cheating, is like shooting fish in a barrel.

 

You need to value yourself more. Its not that you are better its that if he sees it that way, hes a child.

[nocontact2]

I dont think I am better than the wife, we are just very different. In personality...physically I am just a much younger version of her...

 

I think he loves his wife and always will and I expect him to...he has been married for decades and has several adult children with her.

 

But, I do not believe he is IN LOVE with her anymore.

 

I dont think being OW makes you better or worse than BS...I think the morality of any type of relationship like this lies entirely with the man...he is the one violating vows he took to his W and doesnt have the courage to walk away for what he is wanting elsewhere.

[movingforward]

Why? Would it not have been more "satisfying" if she'd been attractive - if there was a competitive element? IMO, choosing the hottie over the dog doesn't really provide any "victory" for the hottie, it's just an affirmation that she's not a dog.

 

Very true.

 

I suppose it was more about the fact that I knew he would forever be comparing his wife to me (the one he couldn't have).... and he thought I was perfect. Pure ego, I know.

 

That was in the beginning. Now I actually feel sorry for the poor woman having to live with the jacka** that is her husband.

[EarthGirl]

I do not think that way. I don't think I am better than her. Actually I think she is kind of fascinating, smart, and very beautiful. She's been somewhat cruel to me but I've been through it before with him with another girl that badmouthed me and put me down to make herself feel better. I don't actually think she is a bad person though, I think it's natural and sometimes I have succumbed to it myself.

 

I also know what it's like to have to let go of love you think you'll never get over. Wether you dump them or they dump you it doesn't really matter. I had to let go of my first love (although he let me go first earlier...long story) because I knew this guy was really the right one for me ..and yet she still claims he is the love of HER life..when I KNOW he is the love of mine, and you can't have it both ways. One of us is telling the truth and one is telling a lie even if she does not know it yet.

 

I feel hurt that I went through all that to let go of my first love and she won't let him (my love of life) go.... and it hurt like hell, but I did it because my guy was everything he was and more and we understand eachother on a level that is so natural and complete, no one else can compete.

 

I know perhaps she just has not found that person yet, so in her world , "my guy" is the best there is for her, perfection to her...she is young and her real prince perhaps just hasn't showed up yet, and it must hurt like the worst hell not only to have to let him go but to not have someone EVEN MORE perfect for her to catch her fall like I did.

 

I just think there has to be something to the fact that *I* am the one that is far away from him and have been for a while..SHE is the one that is local and sees him a few times every week, she has a body to seduce him and I'm sure she has...and I know he does have real feelings for her, but why after all this time does he STILL consider me "the one" and even tell her that and why does not only his circle of friends but him himself put her as the "OW"...even though she is THERE and I am not.

 

I do not think it is some case of wanting a fantasy that could never be as good as you imagined, because we aren't really a fantasy to eachother...we've seen the worst of eachother, and the best.

 

I don't want to hurt anybody. I hate it. : ( : ( : ( : ( : ' ( : ' (

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

I think this is a fruitless avenue to go down. My story: a OW (single) dating a MM for six months, whose wife is gorgeous and smart (seen only pictures and know her occupation). MM has, at least to my knowledge, no intention of leaving his W but has strong feelings for me nonetheless. He also never says anything bad about her. Just says they've never had the passion we have together.

 

If anything, I feel inferior to his wife. I'm intimidated by her and I know if I ever met her that would probably be the second worst thing to happen in this A after her finding out. But, really, it's comparing apples to oranges. MM has been married to his wife for nine years. He sees her in one way and sees me, whom he's only known a tiny fraction of the amount of time he's known his wife, in a completely different way.

 

Oftentimes, the reason men cheat has a lot more to do with their own place in life rather than the woman they cheat with. Of course, there are exceptions, but perhaps this question would be better posed to MM who cheat?

 

Why are they choosing to risk their marriages by being involved with another woman? What does that woman have that has compelled him to do this? Or, is it something missing in the marriage that has compelled him? Or, something missing in his life?

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

One thing to add -- something MistyK said in her recent thread -- that she has had that nagging feeling that the "community at large" feels the wife is better than the OW.

 

Yes, that's exactly it. Why would I ever feel I am better than the wife when if the affair were revealed, I would come off as a slutty, immoral woman knowingly helping a man cheat on his wife?

[movingforward]

One thing to add -- something MistyK said in her recent thread -- that she has had that nagging feeling that the "community at large" feels the wife is better than the OW.

 

Yes, that's exactly it. Why would I ever feel I am better than the wife when if the affair were revealed, I would come off as a slutty, immoral woman knowingly helping a man cheat on his wife?

 

 

Hmmm... I never have felt inferior to the wife. I guess I never felt much towards her at all, which I'm sure is a defense mechanism. Being a wife myself, I guess I never wanted to go there and think about her too much. If I HAD thought about her, I wouldn't have done the stupid thing that I did.

[OWoman]

One thing to add -- something MistyK said in her recent thread -- that she has had that nagging feeling that the "community at large" feels the wife is better than the OW.

 

Yes, that's exactly it. Why would I ever feel I am better than the wife when if the affair were revealed, I would come off as a slutty, immoral woman knowingly helping a man cheat on his wife?

 

Depends on the community, I guess. Here, the xW came off as a hypocritical, abusive, nasty piece of work, and everyone was very relieved that he'd finally found someone "nice". That our M started as an A was never something anyone held against us in any way, though everyone knew as it was open, even during their M.