Mom NEVER comes to see our baby

[georgejungle]

I know everyone shows their love in diff ways...But it still hurts my feelings at times, but more because of our baby.

 

My Mom never comes to see our baby. She never calls and asks us to

travel down to their house, it's always me asking if we can come

visit. My Mom is in her early 50's, athletic, always busy and out and

about, has my two teen sisters in the house with Stepdad. They

live an hour away from me and my wife. They are ALWAYS doing things,

going camping, going to amusement parks, into sports, etc.

 

They just never (Well, my Mom never...) seem to be interested in

coming up to our house, it's always me asking if they are available

one weekend for us to go down there. I figure they'd like to see

their Grandbaby, but maybe not.

 

My Mom isn't mean to me or baby or wife, sends gifts in the mail,

always is welcoming when we show up at her door, but I won't hear

from her for a long time and she never tries to come up to see

Baby. In fact, it's been 8 months since they've been to our house

and they live an hour away. YET, they'll travel 2 hours, even pass our

house, to go visit our my Grandmother (her mom).

 

I should get over it and not give a care, right?

[lupa]

Maybe tell her, in a very delicate way, that you wish she would come to your house more often and ask if there is something you did to make her uncomfortable?

[melodymatters]

George,

 

I remember you expressing this in other posts. I hurt for you buddy, because obviously this bothers you.

 

I agree that you need to have a really calm, open, non judgemental convo with your mom, telling her how you feel, and asking how she feels about the situation.

 

Life can be cruelly short and it would be a shame to not help foster a better R between them IF she is open.

 

At the end of the day though, people are odd, and not everyone loves being a grandma apparently.

 

This may be one of those " accept the things you can not change" scenario's.

 

Find some elderly neighbors, friends, co-workers and ask them to be honorary grand parents ! In other words, make lemonade !

[Mz. Pixie]

I've been through this with my ex in laws from my first marriage- while we were married. That set of grandparents were always busy- and they would go 3-4 weeks without seeing their grandson- and I lived less than a mile from them. They were too busy with everything- church- the college daughter- making plans to do something else. If we ever wanted to ask them to babysit I'd have to plan it two months in advance so they could put it on their "calendar". They offered very little.

 

My own dad and stepmom only see the kids once a year when they go visit. They don't come here despite having a huge beautiful RV to travel in- and they are retired!!!!

 

I know it's hurtful but sounds like she's not ready to be the kind of grandparent you feel the baby needs. Some people just try to do things they haven't done before once the kids are a little more grownup. She may be experiencing this- she's had a taste of freedom without all that childrearing and she has decided just to enjoy her life.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this.

[georgejungle]

When i moved out of the house at 21, my Mom seemed to kind of

forget about me. I've ALWAYS been the one to "call your mother",

so I always have. Whenever I call, it's all about HER. She dishes

her stresses, what they've been up to...Heck, we've even had long

phone convos before, say goodbye, hang up, then she'll call me back

a minute later and ask "By the way, how are you? I forgot to ask how

you are! Sorry!, Do you Need anything?"

 

Talked to her last night, but I didn't confront her on anything. I just

listened again. She gave me a laundry list of stuff that they've been

SOOO busy with: School for my tween sisters, Errands, Afterschool

stuff, Their Sporting stuff on the weekends, etc. She also mentioned

they drove by our house the other day and thought about calling to

stop by, but thought it was too short notice so didn't. She ALWAYS

makes excuses like that. We'll have plans to go down to their place

and she'll call and say "If it's too trafficky, don't feel pressured to

come!" or "It might be too Hot, Maybe you don't want the Baby in

the Heat".

 

Anyway, It doesn't hurt MY feelings so much as it perplexes me as

to WHY my Mom will go out of her way to see her own Mom and

drive past our house and not drop by. If she doesn't want to REALLY

see our baby or us, that's cool. I don't care. But then why does she

say "Oh she's so beautiful, send pics". Don't you want to see her in

person?

 

I just want to stop worrying about being a bad son or worrying

that My mom isn't seeing all the cool things Baby is doing and My

wife's parents Are. They live 4 hours away and they drive down

at least every 3 weeks to see baby. They are 1000 times more

proactive and really want to be in Baby's life.

 

Babies don't HAVE to have Grandparents. I just thought My Mom

would be into it. She was/is WAY into my older Sister's baby.

 

Thanks for reading, i don't expect everyone to read my whining. It

does feel good to vent and write it out though, I appreciate your

comments.

[GorillaTheater]

I remember your other post on this subject, too. At the time, I said my mom was similar, and acted that way because she's almost pathological about not wanting to bother us or impose (she's 2 hours away). But when I invite my parents, there's never a problem.

 

So I have to ask: do you invite her over? What's her response?

[quankanne]

I'm wondering if she's in denial that she's a grandma now ... My oldest sister was looking forward to the day she got to be a granny, and is excitedly waiting for g-baby number four.

 

other sister has two sons in their mid-20s and is insanely jealous whenever they talk about girls – she's 50, does NOT want grandchildren at this stage NOR does she want her "babies" to even talk about settling down and starting a family. However, she's not shy about telling people that Big Sis's grandkids are her "practice grandchildren." Strange stuff, but that's how her brain works.

 

and I'm guessing your mom is along the same lines: Vanity will not allow her to accept the fact that she is indeed a grandma!

 

don't force the issue, just put the invitation out there for her to accept, then focus on the fact that your in-laws are enjoying their roles as grandparents. Your kids will have their own relationship with your mother, at their leisure. For now, it sounds like they're getting all the cuddling they need from your wife's folks ...

[georgejungle]

UPDATE:

 

Thank you all for the advice before. I still have not confronted

my Mother or talked to her about anything. I've instead thrown

little hints out via emails (since she's always busy for phone calls

and always seems pre-occupied when I'm talking to her on the phone)

and such like "Would be nice to see you guys up here", "You never

have to call just drop by" (since they were in our area last week and

said they thought about stopping by, but thought it was too short of

notice so didn't call or come by)

 

She did send an email saying that they have been so, so, so busy with

my two sisters at home and just have been so busy with home/life

things. I know they do a lot of fun things on the weekends though as

I said, so i don't know why they can't ditch one fun thing on the weekend

to come up here or invite us down.

 

My wife is REALLY starting to take it personally and doesn't even want

to accept them over now. Me, i'm kinda over involving them and don't

know that it'd be worth cutting them off completely or risking that

by asking 'Mom, how come you never come to see your grandbaby?'

i know My Mother would get in defense mode if I bring it up because

she does send baby a thing or two here and there and always offers

to have my wife call her if wife needs any baby advice.

 

I just don't get it, i'm confused