befuddled1 Posted November 23, 2003 Share Posted November 23, 2003 I'm no stranger to dating or relationships. Up until the current guy I'm dating, I've never been with a guy who seemed to enjoy so much, wanting to tell me sexual things he'd done with past women......or he can be more subtle, asking me questions like, "So what's the wildest thing you've ever done?"....and I believe he does this so that *IF* I choose to divulge something, then he's "Free" to tell me something from his past. I just don't get this. Is this normal? Am I out to lunch in not wanting to hear this stuff? His reason for doing it is something along the lines of "our past is what makes us who we are today".....yeah, okay, that's fine and dandy, and I accept that, but my way of thinking is, "let's just focus on the here and now and who we are today and not go into the explicit details of what brought us here." I turned it around once, and asked him how he'd feel if I started telling him explicit details about my past relationships....about how good "so and so" was and how "so and so really got me going" or how "so and so and I did _____ and I really loved it"...and his response was, "Well I'm secure with myself so it wouldn't bother me." (of course I say, easy to SAY this when he's not HAVING to hear the details). I don't want to know how many women he's slept with, I know he has a past just as I do. I'm secure with that. But I see no constructive point in him wanting to tell me these details......and to me, it's not about me being "insecure", hell......I have a past, too, duh. It's more about RESPECT to me. I've made it clear that I have boundaries and I just don't wish to hear these details. He sort of acts like I'm off my rocker for NOT wanting to hear these things. So am I? Women: would you want to know the sexual details of your partner's past? Would that turn you on? Or would that be "more than you needed to know"? How would you feel if your partner often seemed to be looking for ways to bring up things he's done/liked from the past (despite you telling him clearly that you dont' want/need to know) Men: Is this sort of thing common? If you're in a relatively new (or not so new, too) relationship, would it be common for you to want to tell your girlfriend about "some chick you f*cked" when you were 10 years younger? The details of a threesome you had? Specific things exes did you to that turned you on? If so, WHY would you want to do this, is it some kind of turn-on? I just don't get it. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted November 23, 2003 Share Posted November 23, 2003 To a certain point I would want to know. Maybe not all the little details and certainly not the feelings though. If he's giving you 'too much information' ....all you can do is let him know you aren't interested in hearing it. Perhaps you could tell him you want your relationship to be about the memories you create TOGETHER......not the ones he's created ELSEWHERE. It'll be interesting to see what a man's response to this question will be. Link to post Share on other sites
Amberlyn Posted November 23, 2003 Share Posted November 23, 2003 Because I was friends with my current boyfriend for years before we got together, I came into this aware of how many women he'd been with and knowing it wasn't a small number. But like you say, that's in the past, and I don't get upset about it. Myself, I don't want to hear details about who did what and what it was like. I do like hearing "It drives me nuts when you ______." I mean it's kind of obvious that he learned that by someone else doing it to him, but he's courteous enough to say it in such a way that he wants me to know that I'm the person he wants doing that to him, not in a remiscent way as if no one else could ever match up to so-and-so. I think that's what makes us crazy when they include names or specific details, we feel like they're saying we could never be "that" good. I do the same for him, tell him things that I like, but never a name or specific story about that particular act. Link to post Share on other sites
wiseOLDman Posted November 24, 2003 Share Posted November 24, 2003 I don't see any point in it either befuddled. I've never asked my wife about prior boyfriends and she's not asked about my prior girlfriends. We've been together for 19-years so maybe the rules of dating have changed. However, I see absolutely no good coming from a discussion about prior sexual partners unless one has a reason to believe that their partner may not be sexually healthy. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted November 24, 2003 Share Posted November 24, 2003 I don't at all mind knowing about a person's past. I wouldn't want the names, dates, and details of particular bedroom events, but I don't have a problem with numbers or anything like that. To me, the past is the past. Actually, I am interested to know how many partners a person has had and his reasons for whatever number there is. It's all part of what makes someone who he is IMHO - and I'm always interested in that Link to post Share on other sites
ncguy34 Posted November 24, 2003 Share Posted November 24, 2003 I would not want to know any of the details. I actually have had some problems with her mentioning the past and some details. I did not like thinking and visualizing her in bed with another guy. Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted November 24, 2003 Share Posted November 24, 2003 There is rarely any good in learning about your partner's sexual past. I knew my ex's and it bugged the hell out of me for a while. It's best not to know. Link to post Share on other sites
shopgrl Posted November 24, 2003 Share Posted November 24, 2003 I'm with UCFKevin. I don't want to know about my bf's sexual past , I don't think it's any of my business nor do I think my sexual past is any of his business. I think the only way the sexual past is relevant is if you or your partner is not "sexually healthy". Obviously, that calls for some explaination. My bf asked me some non-specific questions about my sexual past but he was my first so there was virtually nothing to tell. Then, I made the mistake and asked my bf how many girls he's been with. When he said "uhhmmm, let me think about it", I immediately said forget about it b/c I thought I was going to vomit. So no, I don't want to know about my bf sexual past and I will never ask about it again. His past is his past. Link to post Share on other sites
raine Posted November 25, 2003 Share Posted November 25, 2003 I don't want to know. I thought I did at first but then I heard the story of his threesome with 2 girls and now I wish I didn't know. I don't share my details out of respect and I expect the same. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted November 25, 2003 Share Posted November 25, 2003 I guess I benefit from not having a very good visual imagination LOL. Sounds like a lot of people immediately go about constructing mental images of their partners engaged in all sorts of dalliances once they've heard about the other partners. Me, I hear the story and it's over. No images. No fears. No haunting. No point. Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted November 25, 2003 Share Posted November 25, 2003 What is it about threesomes? My ex had one with two guys and good God, it drove me insane, I thought, "How could you do something like that?!" It was just...I dunno. Very...I don't want to say dirty or trashy but...ahhh, whatever. It's done with, doesn't matter now. Link to post Share on other sites
Girlie Posted November 25, 2003 Share Posted November 25, 2003 Definitely not off your rocker for not wanting to hear about it. I don't mind hearing about an ex every now and then. We all have pasts that have shaped us. But intimate details? No thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Melinda Posted November 26, 2003 Share Posted November 26, 2003 It's only caused me permanent bad dreams, constant insecurites blah blah blah I know he's slept with a lot of others...i'm slowly trying to forget the things he's told me...but it'll always be there in the back of my mind Besides the fact he has a kid...let's just hope it's the only one...and that I don't get any nasty surprises on my doorstep in the years to come... Link to post Share on other sites
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