Should I cater to temptation or continue to act naive?

[shyshy]

New here, wanted to say hi and ask for a little advice.

 

Well, first off I am 25 years old, I have a 3 kids and recently (*ahem* 9 months ago) got out of a sticky relationship (5 years long) with a man who was a cheater and abuser (also the father of my 2 youngest children). This information may be useful for the situation I have gotten myself into now...

 

I started my job about four months ago, I really enjoy it. I am finally doing it on my own (making money, paying bills, raising 3 kids alone) and building a little bit of confidence. A large part of this is due to my boss who is truly a great man. He has become a good friend of mine. Well, during work hours anyway. I have few friends of my own because of the situation I was in before with my ex, longer story than I want to share at the moment, so it has been difficult for me.

 

Anyway, he has said things to me that build me up as far as work performance goes... amongst other things. He has mentioned that I am attractive and made small comments on how he is attracted to me. I have done the same thing, but it is always in a "joking" way. He makes comments on my 'curves' or other body parts. Says I am sexy. He will say something about taking me to a hotel, although it is always one of those "half jokes". He is married (not surprising to anyone here) and they do not have kids together, but he has adopted one of hers and loves her other kids dearly. I would imagine she loves his kids as well.

 

Moving on, he is so nice to me and genuinely cares about me. It is too complicated to go into detail, but he does things (rubs my cheek if I had to deal with my ex and feel sad, rubs my back if I say it hurts, ect.). He also has long conversations with me about my life and tries to help me giving me names and numbers of people I should call for certain things. I know he loves his wife, but the way he talks to me is almost as if he wants more than just whatever it is we are at the moment. Could this possibly be my imagination leading me to believe this? I thought so at first, but I know better by some of the things he has done. Note: There has been a little bit of touchy feely (I feel so guilty about this also). His hands has roamed to areas on my body that no man who is married to another should have been. I, however, have not let my hands roam under his clothing. Although it is tempting, I admit.

 

But I have always made sure to pretend that the little sexual attraction thing is all a big joke, 'yes you just touched me under my shirt, haha I am just a cute stupid naive fool who thinks it is funny, how silly you think I am hot and have nice breasts'. I do this because I care about him and I don't want him to have to feel guilty or lose his family because of me. But half of me wants this man to myself. And when I start to feel this way I start to feel guilty, like I shouldn't be having such thoughts. He never says anything bad about his wife, in fact he says nothing but good things. Every now and then he will make a comment that is neutral, but nothing bad. So, it is obvious he is 1) lying about how perfect his wife is. 2) has feelings for me and his wife or 3) is just sexually attracted to me

 

I know (not just think I know) I really know that if I wanted to I could have a fling with him, but I know how it will end, so it is pretty pathetic to even have these feelings for him. I don't know, I try to go out and meet men, but I just can't get this guy out of my head. I compare everyone I meet to him, I pick out the smallest things about other men that would bug me (like Jerry Seinfeld!) I honestly think it is just because this is the first man to treat me nice in a long time. And besides that I don't have the time to go out and find "Mr. Right" because of the kids. It is probably just a crush, but what can one do? Wait it out? He is the reason I go to work in the morning, I am happier when I am with him and he always hangs around me, to the point where people are starting to wonder.

 

I think about him all the time and I fear that I may just give in one time, let him know I am not just kidding and something will happen. Should I just keep it as a friendly joke even though I want more? I also wonder if I have developed this 'crush' because I felt it was safe, nothing long term, nothing permanent... could this possible?

 

The temptation is driving me crazy...

[moimeme]

Hoo boy. This is a disaster in the making. Yes, he probably seems 'safe'. He isn't, though. Have a fling and you could end up losing him AND your job. Not a good tradeoff. I would also quit letting him take liberties. That he has chosen to do it while married only means he's a jerk. You don't want to be his 'bit on the side', trust me.

 

Find yourself a nice single BF outside work.

[shyshy]

I know what you're saying... I can't afford to lose my job, it is really good pay. I have worried about this for a long time. Thanks, I needed someone else to tell it to me like it was. Sometimes one's mind tries to rationalize everything, making it seem okay. This is the point where a wake up call is needed. I sincerely thank you.

[befuddled1]

Why do I say he's a pig? I say this because he knows exactly what he's doing.

 

He knows you've been through a lot, that you have a lot on your plate.....that you're young, with 3 children to raise and support.....that you've had a bad previous relationship........he KNOWS you're vulnerable......and he's selfishly taking complete advantage of your vulnerability. This guy's not stupid.

 

He is not a 'friend' at all.....and the "help" he offers you (a shoulder to cry on, someone to listen, offering you contacts and phone numbers etc) is insincere. He knows you're likely battling low self esteem and that you're trying to rebuild your self confidence and self worth. He knows that after all you've been through in your past relationship, how much it would mean to you to feel that another man is attracted to you, and desires you.

 

This guy is a freaking louse. He sure as hell isn't much of a businessman/boss. You could charge him with sexual harassment, for his groping behavior. He's way out of line but likely knows he can keep it up because you love your job, you're very thankful to have it, you're thankful to be making the good money that you very much need to raise 3 children alone. He's f*cking with your head, your body, your self esteem.

 

If I were you, I would seriously consider looking for another job......don't quit this one until you can find something else, of course.

 

If he's this way with you, how many others? How many others before you? What about his poor wife at home.......who likely believes she has a good, honorable, trustworthy husband who is loyal to her? Put yourself in her shoes. She deserves someone better than this unscrupulous swine, and so do you.

 

Get honest with yourself and do some soul searching here. Here is a man who writes your paychecks, who's taking complete advantage of you.........at a time when you need someone who will honor and respect you, and be a true friend......not the "office plaything."

 

Telling him now that his behavior is unacceptable may not fly very well. He could get his back up and take it out on you in a boss-employee sort of way. Your best bet is to get the hell out of there and not look back.

 

In essence, he's abusing you.....emotionally and mentally. To take advantage of someone's vulnerability, knowingly, as he's doing, is just another form of abuse.

[shyshy]

I understand what you are saying, befuddled and I agree to some extent. I HAVE been the wife (with my ex) that stayed at home and trusted my husband, although my situation was quite a bit different by all accounts. But knowing the pain of finding out someone you trust and love has messed around with another woman is overwhelming and this is why I feel so guilty. I don’t know his wife personally, but I have spoken with her over the phone and once when she stopped in to see him and she seems very friendly. She spoke about how wonderful of a job she heard I was doing and how her husband seemed to be impressed with me. I felt so low, like scum. Just knowing this pleasant woman had no idea how I felt about her husband or how he had been spending a few of his working hours. I don’t want to feel this way!

 

I am under qualified for the position I am holding and I am getting paid more than the average person does for what I do. I started in making quite a bit of money, so I can rationalize with myself that I didn’t start with the pay I did because of sexual attraction. But, I have gotten two raises since I started both of which were large. I need the money so badly, because on top of this my ex isn’t paying support and every time I get it garnished from his wages he will quit his job. I have been to numerous attorneys but they are all too expensive. I would seek another job, but I have rent, food, diapers, daycare expenses and more bills than any married couple could cope with so it would be impossible for me to quit this job for one that pays much less. It is also difficult to know if he is complimenting my work because of his attraction to me or because I am really doing a good job. I would like to believe that isn’t the latter, but how do you know?

 

I don’t think my boss is in the running for the prize pig at the fair, but some of his actions lead me to believe he will be if he doesn’t settle down. The one thing I respected most about this man was his loyalty to his wife, now look where I am. I honestly don’t think he has ever cheated on his wife before, because everyone who knows him talks so highly of him and I don’t get the feeling he is being entirely insincere. But, I also know I have poor judgement in men. I am not stupid and I have no false illusions or fantasies about what the outcome would be if the two of became ‘involved’. The outcome will be cataclysmic and result in everyone hurting and me out on my rear drowning in an ocean of bills and unable to care for my children. And even if things turned out differently, let’s say he did leave his wife for me (which I know won’t happen) I am positive there would always be lingering resentment towards me from him and I would never trust him. So, what’s the point?

 

I also have to admit that I do like the attention he gives me. Just writing that makes me feel sick to my stomach. I like the idea of someone finding me attractive. For five years I dealt with someone bringing me down every day, always making a rude comment on my looks and size. And I am still putting up with it. Every time I see my ex he has something bad to say to me. So, now I have this very charming handsome man telling me the exact opposite of what I always believed me to be and it feels both good and bad at the same time. Does this make any sense? I am sure I could find a single man, but I do still carry a lot of negative feelings about myself and my appearance and I don’t believe there are many single men that wouldn’t mind taking on a woman with three young children. For the time being he is filling a void, but he is creating a crater in his wake.

 

I feel stuck. I am afraid to tell him to cool it down, although he has told me if he does anything that makes me feel uncomfortable to tell him and he will quit. There is a part of me that wants him to continue, but the other half is aching for him to stop because I know it will never lead to anything but a dead end. I can’t handle the guilt I feel. But, it is impossible to know what may happen if I tell him to stop. I am so afraid of losing this job.

 

Last week I tried to act overly busy whenever he would come into the room while we were alone, I tried to keep our conversations strictly business related. The subject always seemed to lean on how he was feeling, or vice versa, and because I am the type of person who cares about others I would lend some helpful advice. I even started wearing my old clothes (I have lost well over thirty pounds since the split up and my old clothes make me look like a farm maid) just to try to avoid him thinking I have a nice body, but to no avail. He always seemed to find a reason to feel my hips or neck.

 

I honestly feel like I am going to ruin someone’s marriage and I am not even trying and the fact that I did joke with him about things sexually related makes me feel like I am the one to blame. I feel so guilty. I know I am the one to blame. I should have been stronger and not commented on him when he would comment on me, but at the time I had no idea he was being serious, if he is being serious now...

 

Well, I am going to shut up now… sorry about the novel, but I don’t ever get out much and like I said I have very few friends and all of them are happily married and I wouldn’t dare tell them this. They would think terribly of me. I feel like a horrible person.

[moonspinner]

If you start looking for another job NOW, you might be able to avoid the "last minute stress" of finding one when the proverbial sh*t hits the fan...which it will. Good pay and all, doesn't matter, sounds like your situation is heading south.

 

 

AND will only get more sticky IMO.....Good Luck.

[shyshy]

Well, interesting news... My boss told me he was feeling guilty and put an end to his messing around with me. Things have been going fine so far this week. I hope it continues to do so. Just thought I would let everyone know. Thank you for the replies and I hope everyone here gets through their sticky situations just as easily, but most men are pigs and don't have a conscience so good luck to all of you.

[VivianLee]

To a point, especially since he is your boss, this is sexual harrassment! If he starts treating you differently (as in unfairly) due to his wanting to stop messing around or if you feel you'll lose your job if you stop him from doing this again, you have rights and can get a lawyer and job protection. He has crossed a very dangerous line and if he goes too far with this, you could get a settlement that would keep you from having to work ever again!! Find a good looking, unattached man that will appreciate you but not take advantage!!

[Skittles]

It all sounds like good advice. I think I could use some of it myself.