My thoughts all rolled into one....

[Sanafa]

Much like DI, I am thinking far more like myself…. But that’s a problem because I it reinforces how I already felt.

 

Entirely MY thoughts... and just really sad that this is what we call "love/commitment and marriage".

 

 

1. About 2%(being generous) of Marriage is better after an Affair ( my personal opinion after reading for months and months on not just one board)

 

2. That BOTH BS/ OW will take crumbs and BOTH will believe whatever they need to survive.

 

3. That when people ask “what I should do” …. Almost 99% of the time, we never hear…. Go to IC and figure it out… We hear… get rid of the third, get out of the fog and of course work on it with the W….. Seldom, if ever can I recall someone actually saying… you know what you need to find out what you want…. ALONE. But I find it odd, because with anything other than something as precious of love… we will suggest individual counseling….. finding out your true self and we will always suggest that if you are not whole you cannot commit to anything. So, how ANY counselor can suggest you can start to rebuild anything before you are on solid ground amazes me!!!! Marriage or not… if you don’t love yourself putting energy into something else, ANYTHING else isn’t going to work.

 

4. We are incredibly selfish human beings, myself included. We would rather put our BS or WS or OW through years of ongoing pain than actually let them go to experience happiness. Our need to not fail, to hold on with all our might superseded everyone’s happiness.

 

5. That while saying we are “healed” we are still sleeping with the intruder in our bed… and that can be the OP as well ( she has visited me occasionally)

 

6. That we so badly want to be right, that we will manipulate the obvious, change what someone actually says or spin it to avoid the truth…yet, truth is what we say we want.

 

7. That small cases where the BS knows for a fact the WS loved the OP….. they can still say “well I gave him the choice”….. and then suggest they are not settling.

 

8. There is nothing committed or loving about any of it…. And while I never thought marriage was a joke… I am certainly starting to now.

 

Commitment…. Love …. Acceptance…. To me means…

 

NOT trying to mold someone to be something they are not

 

NOT holding on when you know deep down you need to let go….. for both

 

NOT being afraid of someone finding out what they need or how they feel without you in the room

 

Being honest…. Teaching children to love, and not accept crumbs…… to teach them compassion for those that are imperfect, including ourselves and to teach them that our love does not come as a pair…. It is independent and their’s no matter what. That being an individual means we don’t know everything, we make mistake, we grow and sometime we move on from what use to work. NOT because your selfish but because everyone deserves it.

 

I don’t care about the 2x4’s…. as I am truly sadden by what I see people selling as life…… and as recovery…. And more important as LOVE.

 

 

And it is healing because you know what.... I won't live like that... not with XMM or anyone.... as hard as "alone" is.... I won't justify my choices by saying... this is what the masses do, I won't justify my choices by saying .... " I know what I ONCE had" and I certainly won't live my life in fear of failure and being honest.

[Sanafa]

I appreciate your view. By the way, I also am not young nor unfamiliar with long term relationships.

 

I didn't say they don't take work, nor do I think for one second they are easy and filled with rose petals and candles everyday.

 

I painted with a broad stroke after reading hundreds and I do mean hundreds of posts, and my position remains.

 

Almost all ( I did give 2%) that I have seen or read are convincing themselves what they need (I also said I and OP often fall in that category)

and you must admit there are many that would be wise to take a long hard look at themselves before committing to something they are not sure they can commit too.

 

Too me, either part not doing the hard work on themselves first but quickly making promises...... is simply avoiding conflict and setting both up for more hurt.