My friend keeps professing...

[t0ri]

My ex and I broke up 6 months ago. My friend "Mark" then came into my life after us previously ending our friendship (due to him trying to come between my ex and I). He and I became close and he was there for me more than anyone when I was going through the roughest part of my breakup pain. I made it VERY clear multiple times that he and I were only friends, and I wouldn't be interested in liking anyone for a long time. He accepted that, supposedly. Well, one day out of the blue, he asked me if he could kiss me! I rejected him, and felt terrible because I knew he was humiliated. He then told me he couldn't be my friend anymore because he has liked me for years and couldn't settle for friends only. I understood.

 

He then came back the next day or so, saying he didn't want me to be missing from his life, so he'd try and put his feelings for me aside so we could continue our friendship. Then he claimed he finally accepted we'd never be more than friends, and a few weeks/months later he was pouring his heart out again.

 

Basically, this cycle of him pouring his heart out and me having to reject him, then him ending the friendship and coming back saying he changed his mind, has happened at least 5 times in the past 6 months. He did it again tonight. He poured his heart out, and I had to, yet again, tell him I don't see him as anything more than a friend. He went off on me, said he doesn't need this in his life and I'm heartless, etc. He just text me saying that he's afraid I'm going to run to my ex for companionship if he and I stop being friends, but that we're "done."

 

IFhe decides to change his mind, once again, should I be the one to end the friendship since he can't do it for good? I don't want to inflict more pain on him, but this cycle is... difficult for both of us. I feel terrible for him, as I know EXACTLY how he's feeling right now... I'm feeling it too but about someone else.

 

Suggestions? Insight?

[You'reasian]

I feel terrible for him, as I know EXACTLY how he's feeling right now... I'm feeling it too but about someone else.

 

Suggestions? Insight?

 

That's amazing - it almost sounds like you have a 3 way chase.

 

If the guy comes back to you, don't respond.

[KikiW]

Agreed. This guy clearly cannot accept being just a friend and it seems to me that you've made it clear that is all he will ever be. To be honest, it would make him even LESS attractive in my eyes, having this game of "ok I accept it." followed by a "I can't stand just being your friend!" continue on and on.

 

You should probably end the friendship. You don't need this kind of emotional minefield.

[t0ri]

That's amazing - it almost sounds like you have a 3 way chase.

 

Ya, except I'm not "chasing" or professing my love for anyone. I just know how it feels to be rejected by and still pine over someone (my ex, who I dated for over 2 years ).

 

KikiW, ya it definitely has made him less attractive to me, and it has become extremely irritating. This cycle is making the friendship, although he's a very good friend, not worth this drama.

 

He already text me apologizing, but said he's not going to be close to me anymore. Hm.

[Ruby Slippers]

I have just finally learned myself that in this case it is up to admired, not the admirer, to end the friendship. I just had to do the same thing with my neighbor, but I made the mistake of crossing a line and making out with him, after months of flirtation cycling with attempts to "just be friends".

 

He finally came right out and told me (more than once, with increasing emotion and urgency) that it had to be up to ME to cut things off, if I didn't want more than friendship. He said, "I'm attracted to you! Every time I see you, I want you. What do you want me to do?!"

 

And like your friend, even after pushing me away, he tried more than once to pull me back in, almost silently pleading with me not to end things. He said, "I don't want you to go, but I can't make you want to stay."

 

I just ended the relationship entirely a few days ago, and I have to admit I miss him. But I am completely and totally staying away.

 

It REALLY sucks, but this is the way it is.

[t0ri]

Ruby - what did you say to him exactly to end the friendship?

 

UPDATE:

 

This friend and I have become much more distant. He used to text me every day, now it's maybe once or twice a week.

 

He, YET AGAIN, told me a few weeks ago that he was "done" and we shouldn't talk anymore, blah blah blah. He apologized, and did it again the next day! I told him I didn't want to talk to him anymore, and he seemed very hurt and kept asking if we could be friends in the future!! Then...

 

Last week he told me he began abusing prescription drugs pretty heavily, and asked me if I could text him during the week to check up on him. I told him I could do that. Well, my siblings, who I haven't seen in quite some time, and their children came in town on a whim. They brought someone along to introduce to me as a dating prospect. I was so busy all week between family, school, homework, studying, and my own LIFE that I honestly forgot to check up on my friend who requested I do so.

 

He text me twice earlier this week and I told him how busy I had been because of all the family and friends in town. He text me again last night and it was a normal conversation. Then out of the blue today, he texts me angrily saying how I failed to check up on him this week; that it's the worst time of his life right now and I couldn't do one little thing he asked me to do.

 

I told him I was sorry, I honestly didn't think about it because I was VERY VERY BUSY, and was tired of him always finding SOMETHING to get mad at me over.

 

He proceeded to tell me I'm the worst friend he's ever had, he never wants to hear from me again, that I should be ashamed of myself because he was there for me when I needed him, and that he "would've been cool" if I had given him an apology instead of "making excuses and attacking him." I never text back, so he just keeps sending more and more text messages! The last one so far says, "I'm sorry t0ri, I just really needed you and I thought we were close but I guess not."

 

Good grief, I feel like he expects me to put him as my number 1 priority! I feel like he's constantly putting me down, and he stresses me out because I feel that he's super needy, for only being my friend. He has totally pushed me away by acting like this.

 

How do I NICELY say that I don't want to hear from HIM anymore? He's told me this a million times, and I'm sick of it, sick of his drama, and sick of him insulting and getting mad at me over and over again. I honestly don't know what his problem is, or if I'm really being a bad friend.

 

So, what do I say to him for it to be clear and final? And am I in the wrong here?! I feel kind of bad...

Edited October 12, 2009 by t0ri

[WTRanger]

Unfortunately, there is no nice way to say that. You have to be exceedingly brutal with him or else he doesn't stand a chance to understand. Though, I doubt that he will understand.

 

Sometimes the most brutal way is to say nothing at all. Just ignore him completely. Block everything from him. All humans fear being ignored and it is the worst feeling to feel. But I think in this case, you have to go to the extremes.

 

If what he is saying is true and not just a ploy for your attention, and he is going through a rough time this may not be easy for him or you. But I do agree with you, you can't keep putting up with this. Do you know any mutual friends? Let them know what is going on just in case this guy decides to do something stupid?

[You'reasian]

 

This friend and I have become much more distant. He used to text me every day, now it's maybe once or twice a week.

 

He, YET AGAIN, told me a few weeks ago that he was "done" and we shouldn't talk anymore, blah blah blah. He apologized, and did it again the next day! I told him I didn't want to talk to him anymore, and he seemed very hurt and kept asking if we could be friends in the future!! Then...

 

Last week he told me he began abusing prescription drugs pretty heavily, and asked me if I could text him during the week to check up on him. I told him I could do that. Well, my siblings, who I haven't seen in quite some time, and their children came in town on a whim. They brought someone along to introduce to me as a dating prospect. I was so busy all week between family, school, homework, studying, and my own LIFE that I honestly forgot to check up on my friend who requested I do so.

 

He text me twice earlier this week and I told him how busy I had been because of all the family and friends in town. He text me again last night and it was a normal conversation. Then out of the blue today, he texts me angrily saying how I failed to check up on him this week; that it's the worst time of his life right now and I couldn't do one little thing he asked me to do.

 

I told him I was sorry, I honestly didn't think about it because I was VERY VERY BUSY, and was tired of him always finding SOMETHING to get mad at me over.

 

He proceeded to tell me I'm the worst friend he's ever had, he never wants to hear from me again, that I should be ashamed of myself because he was there for me when I needed him, and that he "would've been cool" if I had given him an apology instead of "making excuses and attacking him." I never text back, so he just keeps sending more and more text messages! The last one so far says, "I'm sorry t0ri, I just really needed you and I thought we were close but I guess not."

 

Good grief, I feel like he expects me to put him as my number 1 priority! I feel like he's constantly putting me down, and he stresses me out because I feel that he's super needy, for only being my friend. He has totally pushed me away by acting like this.

 

How do I NICELY say that I don't want to hear from HIM anymore? He's told me this a million times, and I'm sick of it, sick of his drama, and sick of him insulting and getting mad at me over and over again. I honestly don't know what his problem is, or if I'm really being a bad friend.

 

So, what do I say to him for it to be clear and final? And am I in the wrong here?! I feel kind of bad...

 

Your best bet is to cut all contact with him. This guy needs to sort himself if he's abusing prescription drugs. Tell him that you've got some important work to finish and that you're not going to be available.

 

Do not accept his calls or texts. No contact.

[t0ri]

I ignored all of his incessant insults until he gave a really low blow... telling me my (recent) ex "won." As in, he got the better end of the deal in dumping me. That hurt, and he knew it would. I've gotten in tiffs with friends before, but they've never EVER insulted me like this - guys or girls. This guy is being almost malicious. Why? I don't understand why when people are hurt, they try and hurt you back. Is that what he's doing? He then told me my ex is much better off without me, I'm the most selfish person ever, etc.

 

He told me I should have just apologized when he text me getting upset I didn't check on him this week. Instead, I apologized, told him why, but then expressed that I'm tired of him ALWAYS being mad at me for something. I guess that was wrong, but whatever. It's true.

 

End rant. I told him to seriously leave me alone. I guess I should consider changing my number if he doesn't? That comment about my ex though, got me all jumbled and feeling like maybe I am in the wrong.

Edited October 12, 2009 by t0ri

[TheLoneSock]

It sounds like he's playing absentee games with you, trying to make you miss him or change your mind with the lack of his presence. Almost as if HE's NCing YOU lol, or attempting it. Then when he realises it's not having any effect he come's back and settles for friendship.

 

In other words he's trying to manipulate you into being attracted to him, pretty toxic in my opinion. I won't say cut him out of your life because only you can decide wether to do that or not. But that whole situation is definitely unhealthy for the both of you.

[WTRanger]

I'm sorry to hear that he's stooped to low blows, but I think he might go even lower. Is there anyway to not read his text's? I know some phones almost force you to read them, which is brilliant for the person on the attacking side but horrible for the person on the defense. In his mind you let him down, but at the same time in his mind you are goo-goo in love for him and you just haven't realized it yet. So his mind isn't exactly all that connected with reality.

 

You have to stay strong and remind yourself that you are not a bad person. In fact, you've put up with more than most people which you should be commended for giving this guy 1,000's of chances to make things work as friends. How can you be in the wrong on this? Jesus, you've been honest with him about your feelings. 9 of 10 one sided friendships/relationships don't have nearly that much honesty! You don't see him in the romantic light that he sees you. How is that wrong? It's called life! Not every girl I fall for, falls for me. Yes it's hard, yes it's confusing, yes it's emotional but that doesn't give me a free pass to really go to new lows in arguments.

 

Have you thought about legal action like a restraining order? I'm sorry to say, but it might come to that point. This guy just simply doesn't get direct words, so maybe direct actions and a night in the clink may set him straight.

[memorygospel]

Well the answer to this question is surprising simple...if you don't want to hear from him just delete his number and don't reply to any of his attempts at contacting you. Case closed. This guy obviously sounds pretty unstable and obsessed with you so I know I sure wouldn't even consider being just friends with someone like that lol

[WTRanger]

Well the answer to this question is surprising simple...if you don't want to hear from him just delete his number and don't reply to any of his attempts at contacting you. Case closed. This guy obviously sounds pretty unstable and obsessed with you so I know I sure wouldn't even consider being just friends with someone like that lol

 

Yes, it sounds simple. However when put into action it is the hardest thing for a person to do. It's not easy to consciously ostracize another human being. Especially when that other human being is hurting.

 

When the two of them met, I doubt the guy showed any instability. It's just once the pesky feelings monster got involved, this guy's insecurities started to come out. Still, it doesn't make it an easy thing to do.