How do I break it to him?

[Princess]

I'm 18 years old, I just broke up with my boyfriend about 4 weeks ago (we've been going out for two years) but we still stay friends and "fool around" from time to time. We broke up because we both want to explore our other options. I promised myself that I would go for what comes to me and not to hold back. Well, I feel like I am holding back, and for the wrong reasons. There is this boy who I've known for awhile and just recently, he's been hanging out a lot at my house and calling me almost everyday since my boyfriend and I broke up. I'm guessing that he had always had a crush on me and that he thinks its time to move in for the kill. Well, I am not interested at all in him for the stupid reason that he's not physically attractive. It's really concieted of me and I feel bad for thinking that he is unattractive. He's a nice guy and all, and I don't mind being friends the way we were freinds before the break up (we used to hang out with other friends, not hang out all the time and talk too much on the phone). He has not said anything to me yet about wanting to become closer, but I believe that he will soon (I think at one time, he was going to, but I sensed it and distracted him to avoid the discussion). I just would like to know a nice way to tell him that I'm not interested, without hurting his feelings. He may ask me why I'm not interested, and my reason why is very superficial.

[Tony T]

Don't be ashamed of not being attracted to somebody. That's just the way it is. You have to be attracted to someone you intend to persue romantically and it isn't there for you with this guy.

 

Just go ahead and let him proceed to take the relationship to another level. I don't think you should be so presumptuous to launch a pre-emptive strike. When he does come on to you, explain to him the importance of his friendship and simply tell him that is where you want it to stay. Be totally honest.

 

Also let him know this puts you in an uncomfortable position you don't want to be in...so if he cares about you at all, he best give up his quest.

 

Introduce him to some nice girls or stear him in their direction.

 

Don't give him false hope by inviting him to do things...at least not for a while. Try not to see him as often so he is forced to do things with other friends.

 

This whole thing will be a lot harder on you than on him. You have no script to follow and you must blindly respond to both his outward and veiled messages.

 

This happens all the time and it is such a bitch for ladies to have to cope with. I am truly sorry.

 

If this guy was hanging around you waiting for the opportunity to "come in for the strike" he was truly deceiving you and lying to himself as well. He needs to be shown that is wrong.

 

If after you have told him assertively that your relationship with him will stay just the way it is he continues to persue you, you'll have to break it off. There is no reason to live a lie. If he behaves himself and starts spending time with other ladies, etc., then you have a good friend there.

 

My gut feeling is that when he does find out you will not be interested in him romantically, when it gets through his thick skull, when you are extremely assertive about that and he sees you mean business, you won't hear from him much.

 

And when you do, he will not have given up hope that one day you'll magically change your mind.

 

Or he may even pretent to accept the friendship idea, but all the while in the back of his mind he will be hoping for something more. You'll have to use your best gut feeling to know if that is the case.

 

Men are stubborn and stupid that way.

[D.]

I agree with Tony completely, but when he says: "When he does come on to you, explain to him the importance of his friendship and simply tell him that is where you want it to stay. Be totally honest." ....... being "totally honest" does NOT mean to tell him that you find him physically unattractive. That would be cruel and serve no purpose.

 

As for the rest ... yes ... When he finally comes onto you by asking you on a date or trying to become romantic, make it clear to him that you do not have that type of feeling for him and enjoy him as a friend only.

 

Also, I would follow the rest of Tony's advice except for ONE THING!!!!!!!!!!!!! It may be different for men (I am a woman) but when a guy I am interested in tries to hook me up with someone else, I see it as either him feeling sorry for me or him thinking I can't find someone on my own and I feel rather insulted. Again, I say, it may be different with guys. I, personally, would not be specific when steering him to other girls .... maybe just introduce them and let nature take its course. Don't try to hook him up though by arranging dates for him unless he requests it himself. It just ain't kosher!

 

Good Luck

[Jo]

I think in this instance you kind of have to be cruel to be kind! It's better to tell him than to string him along, letting him believe that something will develop between you two one day, if he's patient! If you aren't interested in him in any way more than friendship, which by the way, is totally OK, that's not your fault. I don't think you are being conceited or suferficial. I mean we don't pick and choose who we are attracted to. Attraction is a strange thing and really we can't control it. (I'm not saying we can't control if or not we act upon it, but that is totally off the topic anyway).

 

Not any pressure because I'm sure you know how you feel about this guy, but maybe just rethink it one more time. I just got the feeling that you do kind of like him but just aren't instantly attracted to him. But do you love someone because they're beautiful, or are they beautiful because you love them!?! Ooh, now that will keep us all guessing! I don't really know. Then again, I'm sure there is someone else out there who you not only think is really nice but are also attracted to. From my own personal experiences I think that it's practically impossible to proceed in a relationship if there is no spark (ala attraction). I don't regard it as being conceited, just honest! (Of course, that is just my opinion!)

 

I suggest that you try to not see him as much or even speak to him as much. Then if he isn't getting the hint perhaps you are going to have to have one of those horrible talks that all us girls hate having with love-struck guys! Try to explain that you think you would be better off as friends (definitely without mentioning that lack of attraction factor!, no guy deserves to be told that!). Then let him decide from there if he can handle being just friends with you or not.

 

P.S Just remember in these situations, a little white lie or two to save someones feelings isn't going to hurt!