violence and porn..husband and insensitivities

[luckyme99]

hi:)

 

This is my first post. Funny, i feel like i am being sneaky by talking about this on an open forum - but i would like some constructive feedback from a bias perspective. People who don't know me or my hubby.

I will have to give you the short version of my story and just give my griefs right now, as is.

We have been together for over a year and a half. We have a 11 month old daughter ( got pregnant, second date....i know, i know....) anyways, Let me start off by telling you the good things about us. We are learning to become very good communicaters which is very important for any relationship. We have a ton in common, including our future goals, family values, child rearing etc...I have two other children from a previous marriage which he treats as his own, and they love him very much. He is committed and genuinly likes being a family man. I feel it only fair not to "dog" him, when there are always pluses to a person.

Ok, so here are my issues. He has no emotions (claims not too) he lacks sympathy and empathy and is very selfish (all self admitted) He has a violent history and a bad upbringing. Mine wasn't that great either, so i can relate to some of it. Both of us have anger issues. I do not respond well to verbal abuse and it pushes my buttons like you wouldn't believe. I have thrown things at him when he does this and that triggers him coming back 10 times harder - . Last month we were having an argument about sex (again) and he was having a low blood sugar reaction (diabetes type 1) anyways, he strted name calling and i threw a pillow at him (i know, childish) he responded violently this time. He full on attacked me. I got him off me and proceeded back with hitting him (self defense and anger mixed together) My brother used to beat me up all the time and that rage as a child is all i can compare my feelings to that night. WOW.

After that night we talked about breaking up. He didn't want to ever be a threat and was upset that he scared me. He said that he didn't really remember anything and that his low blood sugar was mostly the reason why he got so aggressive. He does get aggressive when he is low - as i have witnessed it MANY times now. It's not that he starts to go on a rampage, it's just like dealing with a 2 year old child when having a temper tantrum. You have to almost force feed him. Anyways, we talked about counsilling and went to one session where the woman felt unqualified to help us. I spent the next week looking up help and getting self help books. He looked up a few people and talked to a few - but was getting upset that i seemed to be rushing the process, that i wasn't letting him do his personal worok in his own time. Ok, so i am "wanna see instant results" kind of person. BUT you know what, yeah, i do, this is serious. He wants to be in this family, work things out - acknowledges his problems, now i want to see the action behind those words. Damned rights i do;)

It's been about a month and a half and i am not sure about this progress. Cousilling is too expensive (he has been in the past with no results) he said he would read some books, even though he thinks it's crap, he said he would. He hasn't. I told him that i need to see him taking care of his diebetes if this is the cause of that aggression. I need to see it! iasked him to do strips - still waiting on it. He said that he has been eating better and making sure he has his insulin with him (used to always forget it at home). He has been helping around the house way more (one of our other issues) and has come though on that part. I said that we would give it a chance ONLY if there is real work, and not just words. If it were me i would be doing everything in my power to make things right. I am not all the innocent either. As i said, i have anger issues as well. I have been working on them through self help and taking better care of myself. I quit smoking and started excersising more. I have watched that i don't get passive aggressive during arguments and try to keep it non-blaming. I have read five books in bettering your marriage and have tried to apply what i have learned. He said that i am abusive. I guess that may be true - i never saw it before because i always found it a response to emotional abuse and teasing. anyways, there is that part.

Here is the other part that is PISSING me off.

In the beggining, he used to openly flirt with other woman and constantly talk about ex-sex, and have ex naked pics in his bedside drawers. Well, you know, not knowing him, trying to start a relationship and being pregnant with his child - this was really quite upsetting for me. Finally he clued in and stopped oogling and string and commenting so much. Now please don't take this that i am insecure or have low self esteem. personally, i thought it very disrespectful. He has definatly gotten better at the oogling and eye humping - he said that he has really put in the effort because he knows it upsets me. But for some reason, i still am uncomfortable going out with him.

Now the porn issue. I never really even thought about porn or had a problem with it until this relationship. At the beggining, he told me that he wasn't into it and occasionally views pictures when bored or needing a release. I was under the impression that it wasn't a big deal. As i said, not a big deal. Well, now i do have a problem with it. Our sex life was great when i was pregnant because he had a "thing" for pregnant chicks and we were in the lust stage of our relationship. He would go back to his apartment everyday before seeing me and "release" sometimes up to 12 times a day. Hrm...ok, well. Our sex life really is ok. So...fast forward....i now feel like i have to beg for sex. Last week was great! but that was a week. Anytime this guy has a free minute he will look at it. One morning we were excited to have a nice breakfast and a shower (wink) after. I went to the store and bought the food and came back 20 min. later. He looked all flushed so (jokingly) i asked him if he whacked off to porn and he said YES. Well, he couldn't understand why i was upset. Going to his apartment to clean because he was moving into my place he forgone upacking and went on the puter 4 times. often, he is so tapped out that i get left out in the cold. I think this is complete BS. NO, i am not a prude - i would have sex constantly if i could - i am open minded to try new things and have even tried encoorperating it into our sexlife. He doesn't like that, so it's a no go. I have to ask him if i look nice and the complements usually go to strangers instead of me. He has his momnets as we all do. But he admits that he is selfish and insensitive - very insensitive to other peoples feelings.

Ok, so we are here now. I have been trying hard to look for night work on the computer and working on myself and our relationship. The other night, i had a very strange reaction. i got off the computer and joined him on the couch. He was teling me about this site he came across with really skinny chicksa and showed me. It was linked to one of his porn sites. I said, when were you looking up porn (knowing that he has been in the same room with me for a long while) he said when the kids were outside and i was on the computer - just wasting time inbetween his video games. I don't know why - but that sent me over the edge. I was surprised by my own reaction actually. I have been upset for the last few days. I don't know - how about picking up a book that you said you would read instead of looking at other naked women for your OWN sexual gradification right beside me? dick.

This is where i am at. It's my son't bday and he is going all out and buying him stuff, making him dinner, being a great dad, as usual. He is in love with his daughter and my kids and loves me (his perception anyways) /I feel very disrespected and am sick of it. I would love to make a family unit work but i think i am being dislusional. He is always home on time and is a great family man - except i don't feel a good husband. I don't want to break up a family without perhaps giving it sometime. BUT i really need feedback - i am in the state of the unknown - i love him - but i feel that i am really getting disresoected also.

Again, everybody has their good qualities and i am sure he could counteract with a list of complaints himself.

 

if you stuck around to read this - thnkyou!! i would like suporrt and advice - thankyou:)

[ajj]

My first relationship as an adult was with a man over involved with porn. He had stashes of it he hid (out of shame of the amount and content). At first our sex life was great. He had been celibate for years. I was quite young (15 years age difference between us). Well, once I aged a few years I was to the point I was begging for sex. He became quite good at hiding his stashes. Why hide something if you're not ashamed?

 

We broke up but stayed friends for many years. Most of those years he opted for celibacy (masturbating only to porn) rather than a real relationship with an actual woman. His interpersonal skills were too limited (which became apparent in other areas of our relationship, not just the bedroom). When he finally met the woman he wanted to marry he was so immersed in porn he was unable to have relations with her without the aid of medication.

 

The images in porn never critisize anything. Masturbating to a fantasy doesn't require giving anything emotionally. There's no threat of performance anxiety or real invovlement. Those images demand nothing of the man.

 

On the other hand your man is not ashamed at all of his interest in porn. He seems more interested in making sure you're very aware of it. What reaction from you is he looking for? How is that suppossed to make you feel when he would rather masturbate to an image than have sex with you? It seems very calculated on his part.

 

As for the other (very serious issue) of aggression. If I ran you over with my car claiming "Oh, it wasn't my fault. I took my medication and it made me drowsy" time and time again and you finally get tired of being run over and become aggressive with me "Stop running over me you ******! I don't want you getting in the car unless I know for certain you have not taken any medication which will impair your ability NOT to run me over!" and I respond with "NO." Is your anger justified in that situation? If you were not angry then I would think you have an anger problem, mainly lack of anger which should kick in a survival instinct.

 

If he cared about you after one incident of agression due to low blood sugar he would be mortified and extremely careful to ensure this *never* happened again. Instead, it would seem he is defensive about checking his blood sugar, lets this happen repeatedly so he has an "excuse" to do what he really wants to do- act out agression.

 

Now, ask yourself some hard questions. Do you want this relationship model for your children? When your daughter is an adult do you want her in a relationship where she has to deal with agression because of "low blood sugar" (or I had too much to drink, I have intermittant explosive disorder, etc, etc.). Believe me, no matter what you tell any of your children about relationships they will learn more about what you do than what you say.

 

Of course he does loving things... when it makes him look like the good guy. When it doesn't require any real effort on his part. Real effort would be no matter how expensive counseling is making darn sure funds are available so he never again agresses the mother of his child. Real effort would be not pushing your buttons. He seems to know what they are and adept at pushing them. Of course, then he gets to cut you down even further for reacting.

 

You can look online for the number to your local domestic violence crisis hotline. It might be very enlightening to speak with someone there.

 

Good luck to you.

[JackJack]

First thing first. Anger management for you both. You both came into the relationship with alot of unresolved baggage from the past.

 

If he wont go, you need to. You can't make him do anything he isn't willing to do. There are kids involved and they could easily be taken away from you both if found out by the right people, with you both acting violent. Something to consider.

 

As far as him looking at porn, I understand it bothering you., but right now you have bigger fish to fry. Also I hope there are some older kids or someone watching your kids outside while he is inside "whacking off" to porn. Sounds like he has priorities out of order.

 

Call and get you some help for anger management today, its clearly an unhealthy situation and I would say maybe you need to break free from that kind of life. Of course I'm sure you don't want to hear that, because you "love" him.

 

Best thing to do, think of your kids and what's best for them.

[luckyme99]

My first relationship as an adult was with a man over involved with porn. He had stashes of it he hid (out of shame of the amount and content). At first our sex life was great. He had been celibate for years. I was quite young (15 years age difference between us). Well, once I aged a few years I was to the point I was begging for sex. He became quite good at hiding his stashes. Why hide something if you're not ashamed?

 

We broke up but stayed friends for many years. Most of those years he opted for celibacy (masturbating only to porn) rather than a real relationship with an actual woman. His interpersonal skills were too limited (which became apparent in other areas of our relationship, not just the bedroom). When he finally met the woman he wanted to marry he was so immersed in porn he was unable to have relations with her without the aid of medication.

 

The images in porn never critisize anything. Masturbating to a fantasy doesn't require giving anything emotionally. There's no threat of performance anxiety or real invovlement. Those images demand nothing of the man.

 

On the other hand your man is not ashamed at all of his interest in porn. He seems more interested in making sure you're very aware of it. What reaction from you is he looking for? How is that suppossed to make you feel when he would rather masturbate to an image than have sex with you? It seems very calculated on his part.

 

As for the other (very serious issue) of aggression. If I ran you over with my car claiming "Oh, it wasn't my fault. I took my medication and it made me drowsy" time and time again and you finally get tired of being run over and become aggressive with me "Stop running over me you ******! I don't want you getting in the car unless I know for certain you have not taken any medication which will impair your ability NOT to run me over!" and I respond with "NO." Is your anger justified in that situation? If you were not angry then I would think you have an anger problem, mainly lack of anger which should kick in a survival instinct.

 

If he cared about you after one incident of agression due to low blood sugar he would be mortified and extremely careful to ensure this *never* happened again. Instead, it would seem he is defensive about checking his blood sugar, lets this happen repeatedly so he has an "excuse" to do what he really wants to do- act out agression.

 

Now, ask yourself some hard questions. Do you want this relationship model for your children? When your daughter is an adult do you want her in a relationship where she has to deal with agression because of "low blood sugar" (or I had too much to drink, I have intermittant explosive disorder, etc, etc.). Believe me, no matter what you tell any of your children about relationships they will learn more about what you do than what you say.

 

Of course he does loving things... when it makes him look like the good guy. When it doesn't require any real effort on his part. Real effort would be no matter how expensive counseling is making darn sure funds are available so he never again agresses the mother of his child. Real effort would be not pushing your buttons. He seems to know what they are and adept at pushing them. Of course, then he gets to cut you down even further for reacting.

 

You can look online for the number to your local domestic violence crisis hotline. It might be very enlightening to speak with someone there.

 

Good luck to you.

thankyou so much for the very good and detailed reply - i so appriciate it:)

 

your words hit home - i don't want to go off replying to every statement - but i really apprictae and value your words - thanks:) xox

[luckyme99]

First thing first. Anger management for you both. You both came into the relationship with alot of unresolved baggage from the past.

 

If he wont go, you need to. You can't make him do anything he isn't willing to do. There are kids involved and they could easily be taken away from you both if found out by the right people, with you both acting violent. Something to consider.

 

As far as him looking at porn, I understand it bothering you., but right now you have bigger fish to fry. Also I hope there are some older kids or someone watching your kids outside while he is inside "whacking off" to porn. Sounds like he has priorities out of order.

 

Call and get you some help for anger management today, its clearly an unhealthy situation and I would say maybe you need to break free from that kind of life. Of course I'm sure you don't want to hear that, because you "love" him.

 

Best thing to do, think of your kids and what's best for them.

hi Jack, thanks for your honest response:)

 

i have talked to many counsillors and have got great advice from many of them. anger managment is definatly on the list for me - when i can afford it (really expensive) i have purchased some great books as well. I look forward to going and learning. As i have said, my hubby knows how to press my buttons and does so. I just have to learn how to walk away, and have.

I know about my childrens situation - and never have they witnessed any danger or violence. None the less, it shouldn't be in our home. Period.

 

The porn thing is just the lack of disrespect. He wasn't "whacking" off to porn when my kids were outside - just looking at that time. My issue is that i am trying REALLY hard to work on our issues and he is playing video games and looking at porn. I find it to be a slap in the face.

I am waiting till i get some personal money to go to an anger managment seminar that is in Oct. I will be attending myself.

Again, thanks for your honest imput:)

[JackJack]

hi Jack, thanks for your honest response:)

 

i have talked to many counsillors and have got great advice from many of them. anger managment is definatly on the list for me - when i can afford it (really expensive) i have purchased some great books as well. I look forward to going and learning. As i have said, my hubby knows how to press my buttons and does so. I just have to learn how to walk away, and have.

I know about my childrens situation - and never have they witnessed any danger or violence. None the less, it shouldn't be in our home. Period.

 

The porn thing is just the lack of disrespect. He wasn't "whacking" off to porn when my kids were outside - just looking at that time. My issue is that i am trying REALLY hard to work on our issues and he is playing video games and looking at porn. I find it to be a slap in the face.

I am waiting till i get some personal money to go to an anger managment seminar that is in Oct. I will be attending myself.

Again, thanks for your honest imput:)

 

I understand. I guess you kind of feel like you're trying to work on things and the relationship while he is doing other things, kind of one sided as if you're the only one in the relationship. Bottom line, you gotta take care of you. You can't worry about what he is or isn't doing, although I'm sure that's frustrating.

[luckyme99]

it is very frustrating - especially when we are on the brink of seperating. How long do i wait for change. He can't give emotionally and lacks sympathy and empathy. He is a great dad - loves the kids and spends quality time with them. Do i wait - or just throw in the towel? I find him to be very disrespectful and don't know if that would change. Really, i don't know.

thanks for listening

[blair08]

I'm trying to understand how it is if someone lacks sympathy/empathy, disrespectful and violent can be such a great dad. Is he only this way towards you? I would think if he loves his kids so much he would do right by their mother, but he isn't. I hope he gets some help too.

 

I believe that people can change, but they have to want to. As far as how long you wait, that's up to you. He may and he may not.

[luckyme99]

I'm trying to understand how it is if someone lacks sympathy/empathy, disrespectful and violent can be such a great dad. Is he only this way towards you? I would think if he loves his kids so much he would do right by their mother, but he isn't. I hope he gets some help too.

 

I believe that people can change, but they have to want to. As far as how long you wait, that's up to you. He may and he may not.

 

 

i believe he is a great dad because he is determined to be one. His dad left him at a very early age and was always a ****ty father - i think he doesn't want that to ever happen. He is like a big kid himself - plays lego and video games - takes them out - very involved. He may be good with small kids, right now - but who knows when they start being able to talk back;) - He is that.

I told him, the best way to show your kids that you love them is to treat their mom with respect.

I don't believe i am respecting myself right now.

Thanks for your imput:)

[giotto]

I don't quite understand why you want to get invloved with a man like this. He is violent, disrespects you by watching porn and wanking instead of having sex with you, spends lots of time playing videogames, he doesn't care about people's feelings and he is selfish... ok, maybe he is a good father. So what? Your kids will be much better off without the violence and the selfish behaviour, believe me. They will grow up thinking it's normal.

[ajj]

First thing first. Anger management for you both. You both came into the relationship with alot of unresolved baggage from the past.

 

If he wont go, you need to. You can't make him do anything he isn't willing to do. There are kids involved and they could easily be taken away from you both if found out by the right people, with you both acting violent. Something to consider.

 

As far as him looking at porn, I understand it bothering you., but right now you have bigger fish to fry. Also I hope there are some older kids or someone watching your kids outside while he is inside "whacking off" to porn. Sounds like he has priorities out of order.

 

Call and get you some help for anger management today, its clearly an unhealthy situation and I would say maybe you need to break free from that kind of life. Of course I'm sure you don't want to hear that, because you "love" him.

 

Best thing to do, think of your kids and what's best for them.

 

 

Jack, though you hit some good points (children should not grow up in a violent home, authorities could get involved) anger management is not always appropriate. Dealing with unresolved grief (which anger can be masking) is absolutely important. However, in cases of domestic abuse anger management is absolutely contraindicated. There's a mantra in the DV world that goes "Anger Management doesn't stop abuse. It makes BETTER abusers."

 

His lack of regard for her feelings, his behaviors are his choices. He's not loosing control. Rather, he seems quite in control. From what is described, his goals are to control her.

[RedDevil66]

lacking empathy and sympathy are classic signs of a sociopath.

Along with his violence and addictions to porn, it seems like maybe you need to look into this.

These are not red flag, these are burning, on fire, wake up, flags.

 

Low blood sugar is not an excuse for agression.

Are you legally married to him?

 

Did he adopt your other kids?

 

What does he do for work?

[sally4sara]

lacking empathy and sympathy are classic signs of a sociopath.

Along with his violence and addictions to porn, it seems like maybe you need to look into this.

These are not red flag, these are burning, on fire, wake up, flags.

 

Low blood sugar is not an excuse for agression.

Are you legally married to him?

 

Did he adopt your other kids?

 

What does he do for work?

 

Low blood sugar can cause unintended aggressions, but knowing you have low blood sugar that can cause unintended aggression and NOT taking the proper measures to avoid is as bad as being purposely violent and aggressive. It is a way to go about being purposefully violent while fostering the ability to shrug of the guilt of intent.

It is a passive aggressive premeditation to not protect your loved ones from what dangers you know you will cause. If he cannot see the importance of maintaining his medical health to where he will not unintentionally hurt his wife, then he cannot promise it won't end up happening to the children too.

 

Because if it only ever happens to the wife while he is "out of control" of himself, then it cannot really be 100% unintentional. If it were unintentional, it would happen to all who were around him often. He is using his medical condition to excuse violent urges he has to begin with that are further triggered by his blood sugar levels.

 

HE WANTS TO HARM and INTIMIDATE YOU OP. Could be you have sought out the most influential male you've had in your life -perhaps your abusive brother - in the form of your husband. It is why you were drawn to him, something about him was "normal" to you and it unhealthily soothed you for its familiarity.

[sally4sara]

Just further thinking aloud here....

 

You did not choose your brother.

You did choose to marry this man.

Many abuse victims will seek out similar situations to try to relive the past as an adult when they think they will be more likely to control the events and change the outcome. It is what keeps them in abusing relationships when they have the ability to walk away much easier than the could when the first abuse was happening.

[luckyme99]

just wrote a huge reply only to have it disappear at the end....so, here is the shortened version...sigh...

 

This weekend:

 

Me: expressing that the lack of intimacy and trust issues are a driving wedge, that i amtired of feeling like the only who is working on this.

Him: he has been, just not in the way i want him too - it takes time. He works on his anger by stoing it before it happens. he doesn't think diabete strips will do anything since his lows can come on so suddenly.

Me: still hurt from the viloent incident that took place and feel like he is sweeping it under the rug. I am trying to rebuild and he is distracting.

Him: thinks that i need to get over past stuff - that it is causing me to harbour resentment - keeping me stuck in my up and down mood. That he doesn't justify anything at all and knows how horrible it was, but works on his stuff his own way - and i need to respect that.

Me: relates all of the hurtful stuff that has brought me to this place with him that i feel hasn't really been dealt with.

him: feels he has put tremendous effort into changing certain behaviors that upset me. He said he knew that him "flirting" or "engaging" other women was upsetting me and has now ceased his behavior.

Me: believes that he has huge intimacy problems and porn is amplifying that. I am upset that he uses it when he can be with me - that i had never had a problem with it until this relationship. That he won't include me and that i am definatly not a prude. That he looks at it in the same room, has, in the recent past, used it when he knew that we had planned for a fun time it very upsetting and selfish. That him being "too tired" to be with me was a problem. That his lack of trying to make me feel special to him and compliments strangers more thatme, was a little degrading. That it is NOT a insecurity issue, more of a respect thing. That his promiscuous(very!) past and excessive sessions make me beileve that he has a problem respecting women in general and objectify them (hence the mass disrespect i feel).

Him: says that if i have a problem with it that it's no big deal and will get rid of it or not engage in the behavior. that it has nothing to do with sex and does it to get release or kill bordom between video games. He believes i am insecure (not a to a huge extent) and doesn't want to engage with me if he is upset with me (i understand, like most people) that he doesn't want to wacth it with me, because porn and sex with me are two different things. He doesn't believe it to be sexual - just a means to get off. He acknowl;edeges that it has come between our sex lives and has been a bit of a problem in the past (dealing with our sex life) HE says that he can ban it no problem if i am feeling this way towards it.

(Last night) He: thiks that my saying this is putting an ultimatum on him , that i told him that his behavior is "for the single life and if you want to keep engaging, then go be single" I think i am speaking out of hurt here - and belief. He said that when he needs too - that he just won't tell me about it. I said that i am not interested in secrecy - it's going backwards. He said that he has no choice. What happened to not having a problem with not going on it? that changed quickly.

No i don't like being this way - i don't see it as an ulimatlum, just a chance for us to begin to create an intimacy. i don't want to be a "mom" or a prude" i just see it as hindering and helping us grow right now as a couple.

Another issue is the lack of security. He hates that i am up and down and i understand that - try to relate to some one who doesn't own a sympathetic ear! he is mad that i try and pull it out of him. i am mad that i try it too - not fair when he hs been honest about it since i have nown him. But i was carrying his child and thought not much of it at the time. anyways, when we get like this, i ask him to leave. He says he has no security and he is right - it isn't fair of me to do. childsih really. But when i feel vunerable and threatened, i want that threat gone!!! i need to stop it. i feel very emotionally drained right now. He works hard for this family - i acknowledge it. Am i being very demanding? Am inot giving this enough time? I hate these questions. He believes that these forums, internet, and all of my self-help books are screwing up my head and making me obsessive. I just want contentment. i break up with him, then we end up back together after talking - how unstable!

you are probably thinking "wow - you guys are effed!" and yes that is so right now.

 

On a lighter note. My kids are always blissfully happy!!! we all have a great relationship and a smooth running house!! they are very good in school and are terrific kids - we are really happy as a family. If it were me, i would be asking about the kids happiness. They love my "hubby" and express it regulary - which makes my internal battle so difficult. He really is great with them. I just wish i could get this issue with us on a better track.

[luckyme99]

lacking empathy and sympathy are classic signs of a sociopath.

Along with his violence and addictions to porn, it seems like maybe you need to look into this.

These are not red flag, these are burning, on fire, wake up, flags.

 

Low blood sugar is not an excuse for agression.

Are you legally married to him?

 

Did he adopt your other kids?

 

What does he do for work?

 

Hi:)

 

To answer your Q's: he gets aggressive like a two year old having a tantrum. You have to force him to eat. This is not uncommon. But no - not to that level.

 

I am common law

 

No - he did't legally adopt them

 

He works as a building manager for a few towers (hard job) he never misses work and is always on time - he is responsible with work.

[luckyme99]

Low blood sugar can cause unintended aggressions, but knowing you have low blood sugar that can cause unintended aggression and NOT taking the proper measures to avoid is as bad as being purposely violent and aggressive. It is a way to go about being purposefully violent while fostering the ability to shrug of the guilt of intent.

It is a passive aggressive premeditation to not protect your loved ones from what dangers you know you will cause. If he cannot see the importance of maintaining his medical health to where he will not unintentionally hurt his wife, then he cannot promise it won't end up happening to the children too.

 

Because if it only ever happens to the wife while he is "out of control" of himself, then it cannot really be 100% unintentional. If it were unintentional, it would happen to all who were around him often. He is using his medical condition to excuse violent urges he has to begin with that are further triggered by his blood sugar levels.

 

HE WANTS TO HARM and INTIMIDATE YOU OP. Could be you have sought out the most influential male you've had in your life -perhaps your abusive brother - in the form of your husband. It is why you were drawn to him, something about him was "normal" to you and it unhealthily soothed you for its familiarity.

ess i did grow up in a home with violence - only when my dad was drinking. It was typical that my mom would get us up to stay with my aunt because my dad was out of control. So i definalty see the cycle there. I had abuse in my history and then have has some really nice relationships. I know - there is sslot of issues i need to work out myself. I said to him that if anything that resembles violence happens again - i am out, no questons asked. The same goes for him too.

It doesn't belong in a household - especially with kids!

Thanks for your imput

[RedDevil66]

Hi:)

 

To answer your Q's: he gets aggressive like a two year old having a tantrum. You have to force him to eat. This is not uncommon. But no - not to that level.

 

I am common law

 

No - he did't legally adopt them

 

He works as a building manager for a few towers (hard job) he never misses work and is always on time - he is responsible with work.

 

My opinion is, this relationship is going to get to the point where one of you is going to be really hurt.

I think you really need to get some help to leave him.

These sorts of people never get well.

He's not well and you're not well

 

I sympathize. Keep posting and keep talking.

[luckyme99]

My opinion is, this relationship is going to get to the point where one of you is going to be really hurt.

I think you really need to get some help to leave him.

These sorts of people never get well.

He's not well and you're not well

 

I sympathize. Keep posting and keep talking.

 

 

Thanks for your honesty:)

 

Well, i can see your point. I do feel "unwell" right now - but that hasn't always been the case. I just want my children to have love, and a great childhood filled with respect, fun and understanding. As a single mom- i had my hardships, but once i got on top of things - i had the best time of my life!! Yes, i do feel that i definatly could use some healing from the past and can acknowledge that. He, on the pther hand is happy with who he is and sees no need to change.

I did tell him that i wanted to end the relationship because of all of what i have mentioned. I just want both of us to be healthy and happy. Even if it isn't with one another. I don't like me in this relationship. But for some reason, here we are - back at the same point!! arguing and communicating - but not seeing eye to eye.

I guess i needed to talk it out here - thanks for the advice:)