Are single male friends appropriate for a married woman?

[bayouboi]

not surprised at all

[Enema]

 

For all her faults and mistakes, by reading her post I can tell she's hurting that she hurt you, but she also loves you and hopes this doesn't destroy your marriage.

 

 

Or is her post just another in an endless series of lies?

 

They obviously read each others posts and participate together.

 

I think we have to take anything either of them write with a grain of salt and realize they're carefully crafted to have the most impact on the over-the-shoulder spouse.

 

For me, cheating has always been a deal breaker in my marriage. There will never be any type of reconciliation after that one ultimate betrayal.

[mrsZenith]

Post removed....

[zenith138]

Or is her post just another in an endless series of lies?

 

They obviously read each others posts and participate together.

 

I think we have to take anything either of them write with a grain of salt and realize they're carefully crafted to have the most impact on the over-the-shoulder spouse.

 

 

I don't blame you for mistrusting these posts, but I promise, this is very real, and very confusing. We've gone from Friday where I wasn't sure about how I _should_ feel about what she claims is a platonic relationship, to finding out the most tragic thing someone can find out in a marraige. I've always been the one to solve problems in this relationship, so coming on here and asking what everyone thought about the question was a good solution... and it was! We are still together, and she is down the hall as I type this message... we both took the day off of work. I personally don't really have a lot of outlets for this sort of thing, so getting the advice of total strangers on the internet, and just getting this out has been valuable to me.

 

BTW, this forum thing was totally my idea, and the original purpose was to get her to see the responses an opinions on the original question of the male friend. Clearly this has gone way beyond that in the last 3 days, and while she may look at this thread again, I am pretty sure she hasn't chosen to read it since Friday night.

 

For me, cheating has always been a deal breaker in my marriage. There will never be any type of reconciliation after that one ultimate betrayal.

 

If someone had asked me if any sort of cheating was a deal breaker, I would have immediately replied 'hell yes'... 'of course!'. But now I'm here, and I'm confused, and I'm hurt and angry, and I don't want my marriage to end, even though I know logically that that may turn out to be the only real option.

[Enema]

You may also consider that she was quite happy leaving you in the dark about constant lies and her cheating.

 

Only when she was busted does she start professing these feelings of remorse and guilt. (for the one episode of cheating we know about)

 

There's something grossly insincere about guilt after apprehension.

[zenith138]

Do you have kids with that cheater wife of yours?

We do. A 12 yr old and an 8 yr old.

 

The first thing you need to do now is to get yourself tested for STDs.

Damn... Hadn't really thought about that.

[zenith138]

Only when she was busted does she start professing these feelings of remorse and guilt.

 

I am definitely considering that, I've been lied to before... a LOT, and it makes it difficult to take someones' word that has done that. That said, she did come forward about the second time when I'm pretty sure that she didn't have to.

[redfathom]

My husband is friends with a 24 year old female co-worker, who for the most part has been single...I literally can't have lunch with him without it being a trio. I have to request that it just be the two of us. They do text each other, sometimes when him and I are at home together, which I think is rude. I have mentioned how uncomfortable their relationship makes me, but he insists it's innocent and that they are just friends.

 

He doens't hang out with her alone, which makes things easier. I do feel like I have to be on my gaurd though, and I would rather not have to worry about it.

 

If my H was doing what you W is doing I would be much more upset and would seriously be thinking of my options.

[Trimmer]

She met him at the bar for a very short time near closing a few weeks ago without my knowledge. Again, I have no reason to believe it is anything but innocent...

I take no pleasure in it at all - I'm sick for you - but as I read these two statements, I was just wondering how long it would take before your innocence would be shattered. It's not even the "having male friends" part that worried me - it was the "without my knowledge" part that set off alarms.

 

Hey, I thought I'd follow up. After the initial problem was basically resolved, it turns out that there are other issues that have made the problem exponentially worse. I found out that she had cheated on me, not with the person we've been discussing on this thread, but with someone else completely.

 

Well, now her inability to empathize with your discomfort over the supposedly platonic relationship makes sense - in her mind, that was truly "no big deal." (The hidden context being: "believe me, compared with what I did before, this really is no big deal...")

 

I would be concerned that you still haven't heard the full truth yet. When someone who cheats is induced to reveal the truth, they will reveal only the absolute minimum necessary - why in the world would one offer more? This was my personal experience, as well as that of many, many posters on the forums here.

 

And unfortunately, you can't count on her representations any more - she may tell you "honest, I've told you about the whole thing," or "it was just the one time," or "it was just the one man..." but c'mon: she looked you in the eye and told you that there was no need to worry about her relationship with the platonic guy, she had NO empathy for your concerns or discomfort, she allowed you to agonize over your own view of what is normal and proper in a relationship, whether the boundaries that were important to you were even reasonable, and she left you hanging, twisting, in your innocence, while she harbored this secret.

 

She hasn't been honest anywhere along the way - why would she start now, when it's going to be even harder than before? And she'll tell herself that by holding back the full truth - whatever else there is that you still don't know about yet - she's "protecting you" from being hurt more, so it sounds like a good thing to do...

 

Sucks.

[Nightsky]

Your situation has changed drastically from that of the original post. To answer the original question I do not find it appropriate for married people to have single opposite sex friends. My reason being it simply does not work in my own experience.

[confusedinkansas]

Without reading every post here - I have MANY single male friends, but they are also my husbands friends. I don't hang with these guys alone, we don't go grab lunch or beers alone. If we are hanging out my husband is normally very close by. (or other friends as well)

I think that if she's seeing these guys on a one on one basis - You have something to worry about.

 

Ohhhh....I scanned up & saw - she has cheated........See - I stick with my last sentance - Looks as if you did have something to worry about.

[zenith138]

Your situation has changed drastically from that of the original post

 

It sure has, but if you've been reading this read this thread, you've been learning the facts at the same time as I have. I couldn't have known when I created the original post where this was going, and someone reading this thread based on the original posts is going to be surprised as well.

[bayouboi]

It sure has, but if you've been reading this read this thread, you've been learning the facts at the same time as I have. I couldn't have known when I created the original post where this was going, and someone reading this thread based on the original posts is going to be surprised as well.

 

I'm sorry to admit that I feel like this whole post is contrived. You just don't seem to be the emotional wreck that most people are when they learn that their spouse's were cheating on them.

[zenith138]

I'm sorry to admit that I feel like this whole post is contrived. You just don't seem to be the emotional wreck that most people are when they learn that their spouse's were cheating on them.

 

I can't prove anything, but trust me I am. I missed work on Monday, and am back today, but admittedly not fully up to speed. I spent the weekend and yesterday talking to people and gathering the facts I'm not the kind of person who has ever done anything rashly, so I suppose that am in what could be described as "an emotional holding pattern". Being able to tell this story on this forum has been a nice outlet. If this is unbelievable to you, it is 10 times as unbelievable to me. I've been with this woman for 14 years, and I now have had everything I thought was true and what I have based my life on destroyed.

 

How is someone supposed to deal with this???? I have no plan. I recognize that I should be breaking things and throwing her out of the house, and having more hate than anything else, but right now, I am just sad and confused.