HFD46C Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 Hello to all. Let me start my saying I am a newbie on this forum so go easy. I have been married to my wife for 8 years know and have been with her since 1997. We have two sons together, one is soon to be 4 in January and the other will be 3 in October. The past three years since my youngest was born and when I transfered to a busier fire station due to a promotion, willfully admiing, have not been the husband I should of been. My wife caught me, through my cell phone bills, talking to a nurse that worked at a Houston hospital. Stating right here to yall as I did to her, nothing sexual happened. I simply just was'nt happy with the way she was treating me and look for another female perspective of my marriage, at that time. After she found out I quit talking to the other woman and asking for forgiveness and told I would not do it again, since I seen how hurt my wife was. Okay....now for the current event of out problems. I had a frien move back to the small town where we live and starting working at the hospital where my wife is a nurse practitioner at. We started working out together and even started going on double dates with him and his wife also. After my wife befriended him, she started talking to him about our troubled marriage, though I did'nt know it was at the time, and he did the same. Well eventually they stated having intimate feelings for each other and actually, per my wife, kissed only one time in his office. 3 weeks agao me and my wife had a huge fight, she left for her parents with my two boys and did'nt come back till the next night. We talked that night, went to sleep and when I woke the next morning she said she had to tell me something. She told me that they're was someone eklse who she has feelings for and that they were stronger for him than me. I asked who, she said "you know". I had an idea because he would always text her. When she told me I went ballistic and was extremely hurt. I checked her cell phone records, which was childish, and she had 625 text messages in August alone and over 10 hours of talk time to him. She said she told me cause she was sad for me and that she ended it and wanted to work on us. Since that time she has been distant and not wanting to have too much to do with me. Last week, after a fight about her not caring anymore, I put my hands around her throat and asked her "wht can't you see how much I love you"? Big mistake but I was so hurt for what she did to me and her only reply is I talked to another woman before and that I have'nt loved her like she wanted me to. I know I should'nt have put my hands around her throat like that and have since talked with God and seen how much the devil had a hold of me. I have since become closer to my faith and believe God wants this to work. She did make appt to see a marriage counseler 2 weeks ago and we went, but the problem is she doesnt do counseling with both of us in there. Which seems odd to me since we are in fact "one" as a couple. Okay, my main question is. She wants time and space now to get the hurt out of her heart, per her. She said she loves me and wants it to work outbut she doesnt show ANY emotion or love to me. I cant even passionately kiss her without her turning her head away. She thinks that time apart is what we need and the counseler says the same, though not to me. With kids involved, is being apart selfish? She doesnt allow God into her heart and doesnt think that faith will help, even the counseler said faith in God wont help. Anyone have any input? Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 well,you definately should not of chocked her. maybe some anger mangement classes,luckily she didn't call cops on you(texas is tuff on this stuff).but she wants space i'd give it to her, i wouldn't move out though,let her figure out "how" to get the space she wants,whether it's her moving out, tring to work on your marriage or whatever. but the chokings gotta stop. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HFD46C Posted September 11, 2009 Author Share Posted September 11, 2009 well,you definately should not of chocked her. maybe some anger mangement classes,luckily she didn't call cops on you(texas is tuff on this stuff).but she wants space i'd give it to her, i wouldn't move out though,let her figure out "how" to get the space she wants,whether it's her moving out, tring to work on your marriage or whatever. but the chokings gotta stop. Totally agree. I've never done that before ever and never will again. I'm so confused; move out or stay there for my two boys. Everyone seems to tell me, "Once a cheater, always a cheater". Even if what she said about them not having sex is true, I think I would of rather that happen than tell me she cares for him more! Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 She's still seeing the MM and is biding her time waiting for him to leave his wife. Your best bet is to tell her to leave and help her look for an apartment. The more time you give her to "pretend" to work on the marriage, the more she will distance and detach herself from you, and then one day she will just go and there would be no getting her back then. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HFD46C Posted September 11, 2009 Author Share Posted September 11, 2009 She's still seeing the MM and is biding her time waiting for him to leave his wife. Your best bet is to tell her to leave and help her look for an apartment. The more time you give her to "pretend" to work on the marriage, the more she will distance and detach herself from you, and then one day she will just go and there would be no getting her back then. Wow, I don't know what to say about that. I know my wife, well now: kind of, but I just don't see her doing that. I'm thinking she is extremely scared.....or heck I don't know. You may be right. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 Investigate. Go through all her belongings, everything and anything. If she is still carrying on with the MM, there would be something to be found to give her away. She is not to be trusted, she has proven that. The only way to try and save your marriage is by knowing what/who the enemy is. If there is someone else, you have no chance to save the M, unless she gives him up and wants to be with just you. From what you have written, she has given up on the M. She is having IC and it's helping her deal with what she is facing and it has nothing to do with you. If it were, you would both be seeing someone together. It's all about her. Take the control away from her, get your proof, if need be and tell her to go. Do not leave your house. She wants space, she is the one that leaves. There needs to be consequences for her actions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HFD46C Posted September 11, 2009 Author Share Posted September 11, 2009 Investigate. Go through all her belongings, everything and anything. If she is still carrying on with the MM, there would be something to be found to give her away. She is not to be trusted, she has proven that. The only way to try and save your marriage is by knowing what/who the enemy is. If there is someone else, you have no chance to save the M, unless she gives him up and wants to be with just you. From what you have written, she has given up on the M. She is having IC and it's helping her deal with what she is facing and it has nothing to do with you. If it were, you would both be seeing someone together. It's all about her. Take the control away from her, get your proof, if need be and tell her to go. Do not leave your house. She wants space, she is the one that leaves. There needs to be consequences for her actions. I see your point. I just can't reason with her. She won't accept anything from me and totally shuts down my feelings of the whole ordeal. I think this counseler she is seeing, which is 30 and has no kids, is filling her mind full of negative thoughts and is acting as her friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Thornton Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 She wants space to string both of you along until she decides which of you she wants. Imo space never helps anything... how can issues between you get solved when you're apart? Either you fix the relationship or you don't; space is not a good thing, it just pushes you further apart. Make her decide whether she wants to fix the marriage or not... if yes then she cuts all contact with this guy, if no then you file for divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 Hi, since before I joined LS I too would have seen the positives in what you have said in your post. However, having spent some time on here, very rarely do situations like yours ever turn out to be anything other than cake eating. Cake eating is when a MW strings her H along while she gets the confidence to leave for an OM or while she works out if things will work out with the OM. Now, I'm not saying this is def the case with your w, BUT I would strongly advise you to do your snooping and get your facts. Don't move out, if she wants to go let her see that it will difficult and their will be consequences for her actions. You should be seeing a therapist that sees you together, relationship counselling that is not couple focused is ridculous! Google Divorce Busting, the first chapter is free online on their website, it talks about how to find the right MC. Also on that site is a list of the 180's, you may want to think of following them. Your w needs to understand that you mean buisness and that although you want to work on the marriage, you will move on without her if you have to (we know you don't feel that way, but she doesn't need to). As for putting your hands round her throat, you alreday know how wrong that was, show her through your actions that you know this and arrange for anger management. Keep posting, you may want to read some other threads of men who had similar experiences, MrMayI may be a good, helpful one for you. Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 is the om still with his wife? gotta expose this thing to his wife,make thing difficult for her and him. also tell her work of their inapproate (sp) work relationship,there's probable some clause in their employment papers.don't sit back and let then get closer and closer. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 When you have tried and done everything the only thing left is to expose. Tell the W and chances are he will throw your W under the bus. After that, she's all yours, along with many months or perhaps years of suffering until she does it again. Save yourself the anguish. When the shyt hits the fan, pack her stuff and boot her out. Why? To save yourself the misery. Link to post Share on other sites
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