Boyfriend is suddenly distant and isn't spending any time with me

[grapejelly]

My boyfriend of nearly 3 years is suddenly being distant and isn't spending any time with me. We lived together for about a year, but it was more like he was "crashing at my place" while he got back on his feet to find his own apartment. He recently moved out and has his own place (though I should note I didn't want him to move out, but I felt it would be best if he had his own space where he could unwinde and spend time with himself). So, we're going from seeing each other everyday and spending every night together to living apart.

 

At first, everything was fine. I would come over about 3-4 nights a week (though he would never come over to my place) and we would spend some time together. Lately though, he has barely had any time for me. I will call him around 8pm and he won't pick up, but will call me back around midnight for two minutes. In the past ten days, I have seen him twice for a couple hours. I haven't seen him in 5 days. I should note he has a friend in town, and I know they are spending time together, but the days my boyfriend said he would be with his friend, they ended up not hanging out, yet my boyfriend still didn't invite me to come visit him.

 

I try to give my boyfriend as much space as possible. I don't text him. I don't call him like crazy, only right before I go to bed if I haven't heard from him all day. Last night he called me and I told him that I missed him and wanted to see him, that I realize his friend is in town, but I feel like we haven't had any quality time together in almost two weeks. I don't even know what is really going on in his life right now, and I know he doesn't really know what's going on in mine. I feel such distance. I know its only 10 days, and I know his friend is in town, but I can't help but feel like I'm being punished or pushed away for some reason. It really hurts. I feel ridiculous and immature. Why is he acting like this?

 

I should also note that this is kinda strange behavior. I mean, not completely...when we first started dating we would only see one another once a week and I would only hear from his late at night before bed time with a quick phone call. I almost feel like we are re-living this part of our relationship or something, and it's frustrating because we have been together for 3 years and were engaged at one point. I have no idea what is going through his head. Just going to keep giving him space. I'm just hurt and frustrated.

[TaraMaiden]

Well that rang alarm bells for me.... "we were engaged at one point".....

meaning, I presume, that you're not any longer?

Why would that be?

 

If a couple is engaged, it's to be married at some point, or at least to denote a heightened commitment.....

The fact that you are no longer engaged, is telling to say the least.

 

I hate to say this, but I think I'm only confirming what I suspect you already know.....

 

Put it this way.

If you consciously and deliberately decided to not contact him at all, but to wait until he contacts you - with honest and deep affection, to tell you he misses you and can't wait to see you again....

How long do you think you'd be waiting for that?

 

And do you think it's worth the wait?

[Unistudent]

If you want to get some closure on the situation or just find out whats up maybe just sit down with him and ask him if anythings wrong and if he still wants to be in a relationship.

Does he tend to bottle things up? I used to do that... when I had alot of stress or whatever I would just bottle things up and not tell my gf about them.

 

It seems like your relationship is completely different than mine so I don't even know if I can really give any great advice.

 

Personally though I would just ask him straight up 'Whats going on with us' and say that you just want honesty and that if he doesn't want to be with you anymore or something like that then you guys should just stop wasting your time. Right?

 

I mean if he isnt really commited to you guys being a couple any more he should be... strong enough to let you know so that you can move on and find someone that will be there for you the way you want them to be.

 

Again... this is just a suggestion... and I dont have too much relationship experience... but if it was me and my gf was being like that I would ask if anything was wrong and where we were in our relationship.

 

3 years is a long time too... so I would think you would see him more often than not.

 

goodluck

[glamgurl]

I’ve experienced the distance thing too. It does hurt and is confusing! Yes 10 days isn’t that long but all I can say is that a change in behavior is a red flag! Doesn’t mean you guys are necessarily over but be cautious. Best advice I can give is let him know you are there for him and care about him. Let things go for a few days, if the distance is still there and you want to try once more, make sure whatever you say is: short, simple, and sincere, don‘t push or accuse. He knows you are there for him.

 

There are only two outcomes, he will work out whatever it is that is making him change his behavior and become closer with you again or he will continue the distance. Only time can tell what will happen. You need to decide (if the distance continues) how long you want to wait till he figures it out.

Wish you luck for a happy outcome.

[2sunny]

can you clarify what his situation was that kept him from "being on his own feet" for the past three years?

 

did he have a hurdle or problem standing in the way?

 

did you essentially pay his way through the past three years?

 

what has changed to make his own place a reality? where has he shown growth along the way?

 

these are important if we are to undersatnd what his situation was then and what it looks like now.

 

either way - he's no longer making much effort for you - that is never a good sign... he looks like he's already moving forward and has intentions of not including you in his future.

[kizik]

Lately though, he has barely had any time for me. I will call him around 8pm and he won't pick up, but will call me back around midnight for two minutes. In the past ten days, I have seen him twice for a couple hours. I haven't seen him in 5 days.

 

Awesome.

 

We can all see he is a jerk. The question I have for you is, why do you tolerate this treatment?

 

Do you hate yourself so much that you think you don't deserve to be called back within a few minutes?

 

Do you think you are so worthless that it is OK to avoid you for five days?

 

Do you think you will never find love again, because you harbor negative feelings about yourself, feel undesirable, etc.?

 

People only treat you the way you allow them to treat you. Any self-respecting woman cuts this sh*t off at the get-go: "You need to get back to me sooner and show me you care, or this isn't going to work."

 

It is clear to me that you have self-esteem issues. Work on those. Start by ditching this jerk.

[LucreziaBorgia]

He is breaking up with you. He is either doing the 'slow dump' or he is simply waiting until you dump him. Either way, your relationship is over.

[Quest]

He is breaking up with you. He is either doing the 'slow dump' or he is simply waiting until you dump him. Either way, your relationship is over.

Unfortunately for the OP, I agree. Best thing she can do is get out as quickly as possible so as not to prolong the agony.

[RedDevil66]

wow, some really unsound advice in here

 

There is no proof he is breaking up with you. No you should not leave. And why is he a jerk?

My BF of 4 yrs doesn't live with me. We used to spend a ton of time together and then a yr ago, it stopped.

He started to go to AA, wanted some change and wanted to be alone more.

It hurt my feelings, and still does, but we're grown ups who live our own lives.

 

Maybe he just needs time to himself. Maybe he's feeling smothered.

The best way to solve this is to ask him.

Men don't think as much as us nutty women, so for him, it may just be "out of site, out of mind"

 

Talk to him before you run for the hills and leave the jerk........ugh!

[freestyle]

Don`t jump to any conclusions until you have a heart-to-heart with him.

 

Don`t be afraid to let him know how his behavior is making you feel.

 

It`s very difficult to get to an advanced stage in a relationship and then have to switch back to a different gear.

[Bobby2010]

Although I don't know your situation too well, my advice (which I will take if and when another person suddenly becomes distant from me) is to break up with them.

 

If they truly care, they will let you know.

 

If not, well there you go.

[adamt]

It does seem he wants to break up with you but hasnt got the balls to end it. Us men can be cowards at times. Probably hopes you do it so then he doesnt have to feel guilty. But give him the benefit of doubt,sit down and ask him about how he is feeling before assuming he wants to break up. It happened to me when my ex started pulling away and spending less time with me. Looking back there was lots of waring signs i missed.

 

Don't understand why you are together still when you were once engaged?