I can't stand this pain any longer!

[Tornapart]

Hello~

 

Just found this website and would love to add my pitiful story and hear feedback if anyone is willing......

 

I'm a married mom with children and a great husband and comfortable life. The sad part is - my marriage has no spark. I've spent the last 10 years giving 100% to making sure everyone is happy --- and suddenly realizing that I have done absolutely nothing to build my own happiness. I've enabled a comfortable life for everyone except me.

 

My life after 10 years of marriage: I basically have no friends, am living thousands of miles from my family. I participate in only those things that benefit my children and my spouse. I feel empty.

 

Well, I should say, I *DID* feel empty.......

 

While staying at home and caring for my babies, I began to get more involved with my hobby that I gave up for my marriage. And I eventually created an Internet stay-at-home-mom career from it!

 

But, then a man I met over 20 years ago with the same hobby as me, met up with me on the Internet, and knowing my passion for this hobby, offered me a job, since he was in a high ranking position with the main association.

 

The funny thing is that I met this man over 20 years ago in a bar and was immediately ENAMORED by his manners, his mystique and crystal blue eyes. But even back then he was high ranking within the organization and quite popular within our group. I was just 19 and paralyzingly shy. He was 21 and GORGEOUS. But I could never muster the courage to inform him of my true thoughts and feelings for him. I guess I felt he was out of my class. That was one of those regrets I held all these years.

 

But here it is 20 years later, and he emails me ---- begs me to take this position within his organization. I end up taking the internet job, even though I am 1000 miles away from where he lives, and I soon become amazed at what a great leader he is. I admire how he can solve gargantuan problems. But some others within the company dont feel the same way - I find message boards where they are bashing him and ridiculing him constantly -- all without merit.

 

So I stick up for him, publicly. Not protecting him because of any emotional ties, just that I feel they are treating him unjustly and failing to give him any credit for the great things he has done.

 

Well, to make a long story short ---- we become close friends via email. We joke with each other and I help him through some difficult times. He becomes a truly great friend to me. I cherish our bond, though there is NO romance of any kind.

 

One day, I send him an email joking about him being on the Internet so much, and ask what his wife thinks about that -- and he replies "My wife left me".

 

Those words crashed through my soul - it was like being hit with a ton of bricks. Married, he was untouchable. Suddenly, this 'untouchable' man was available and that was too much temptation for me!

 

From the moment he spoke those words, I have since had great difficultly speaking to him. I get tongue-tied, so I avoid him. I can't think when I am around him. When I do see him maybe 4 or 5 times per year, I avoid him and I see him doing the same thing to me. I physically shake in his presence. When I look at him, my head spins. No matter how hard I tried not to see this happen, I've fallen in love .....and it is so so painful.

 

But to be near him, working with him, but not able to even be friends anymore is absolutely killing me.

 

Once I asked him why he doesn't talk to me anymore, he said "Girls scare me". But I think he just meant me.

 

Everything was fine while we BOTH were married, but now that he is single, I am scared around him too!

 

 

 

Then he quits the company and leaves me there. The people I angered while going to bat for him are now my bosses. They totally hate me.

 

Months later "he" starts a new business and asks me to come work for him again. My first response was "YES!!!" But when I began to see that he would no longer speak directly to me, so cold that he would not even to respond to an email, Im thought it might be better to turn the job down, even though it would be something I would LOVE to do. I have not made my decision yet.

 

 

Then wild things start to happen......

 

 

Out of the blue one day, my husband says of him, "I can see you two getting together some day........."

He just said those words just like that - - totally unprovoked!

 

One afternoon about a month later, the phone rings and my husband answers. A few minutes later my hubby tells me that "he" had just called to say Hi to him. He wanted my husband to know that "he" had just gotten married.

 

So you think that would be a good thing, right? ?

 

Wrong. It was like an arrow through the heart!!!!! MORE PAIN PAIN PAIN!

 

 

A few weeks later, I'm doing my best to forget him and I get a call from a novelist doing research. She wants me to give her information on "him", which was shocking - why on EARTH would she call ME?

 

Then, while at a convention for our hobby, I'm standing in a parking lot, telling a few old friends about the situation I'm in, when suddenly the door opens on the porta-john directly behind me -- IT'S HIM! Could he hear what I was saying??

 

I was sent on assignment to a location where I know he would be beforehand. At a cocktail party, our eyes locked. He was dashing and looked so dignified, chatting with all of his associates. I don't know why, but I just stared straight at him for the longest time.......and he was staring back at me. It felt like an eternity. I just wanted to let him know, in some way inconspicuous, that I still had strong feelings and still cared for him very much.

 

I think he knew what message I was sending. At least, I hope he understood.

 

 

We haven't spoken to each other since. The few emails I've gotten are brief and 100%-business chatter.

 

All my heart can seem to do is yearn for him. He has no idea but I cry nearly every night. I try so hard to block him out, but my heart just won't quit.

 

This has been going on for over two years.

 

I have never suffered this much pain in all my 39 years on this earth.

 

Help me please.

[Arabess]

It sounds to me like he's the kind of man who has better sense than to get involved with a married woman.....especially one he works with. If we would ALL follow that wisdom. half the posts on here wouldn't be.

 

I can only speak for myself personally.....but if I were married to someone I no longer loved or felt emotionally and satisfied with....I would leave. I would NOT leave just because I had some other man waiting for me. I would leave only for myself.

 

Once I had my OWN act together.....THEN (and ONLY THEN) would contact anyone else who sparked my interest while I was married. Long term 'Affairs' are nasty creatures. They become festering wounds on everyone in their path which never heal properly and leave alot of scarring.

 

I commend this other man for realizing that point.

[Tornapart]

This message was not about whether I should, or even would, act upon the emotions I feel for this man. I won't. And I know he won't.

 

My post was about what to do about the killer pain of knowing you can never be with your soul mate.

[camcutie]

Dear Tornapart,

 

I am so sorry your going through this, I know that to be so in love with something you can not have is a horrible feeling.

 

You must really love this guy for it to be effecting you this big. I can only speak for myself but I find it very odd that your husband would come out of the blue and say"I can see you two getting together some day........." did he see or feel something to make him say that? What was your reply or did you just stand there stunned and not say anything(that's probably what I would have done).

 

As far as your life, I get the feeling your not happy with your current situation, it definitely sounds as though you feel like your missing out on feeling love and excitement again. I believe you love your husband very much and wouldn't ever want to cause him pain, have you tried talking to him about you spending more time on you? Maybe have him help out more with the children so you would be able to spend more time with yourself figuring out where you went.

 

After I had my son I completely forgot I was a person too and if I didn't work on myself as an individual no one else would, it just took me along time to find who I was before, but I'm back and better than ever because now I'm me again and I have a wonderful son by my side.

 

The only I can tell you is spend some time working on yourself to try and figure out why your not happy, in the end if your not happy in your relationship it's only fare to everyone involved that you be honest with yourself and your husband.

 

I hope this helped alittle if you'd like read my thread in "personal rants and confessions" I was unhappy for a while I'm not anymore, now I can kind of relate to you though about being in love w/someone your shouldn't be in love with.

 

Good Luck and find yourself first.................

[Arabess]

I'm sorry Torn....I thought you were questioning why he didn't enter into a relationship with you.

 

As far as the pain....I know exactly how it feels when a part of you feels completely empty because the person you love is not in your life. The pain of love can be so tangible....you can almost taste it when you breathe. There is NO EASY WAY to get thru it....other than giving it time. Before time has run it's healing course though...you can hear the wrong song..... or some stupid memory comes up....and you begin to feel a whole range of emotions all over again. It's such a damn miserable feeling to have to live thru.

 

Time though....WILL continue to move you along. You'll have to learn to take control of the thoughts and refocus them on what IS good and lovely in your life. Eventually, you'll still have the memory....but not that sharp pain you have now.

 

Keep posting....find some interests to occupy yourself.....and hang in there. Please don't feel all alone in your suffering....the cyber world is full of people who were once devasted by a lost love.....but found they made it thru the ordeal.

[Torntoshreds]

Thank you for your compassion.

 

Cam, you said it was odd that my husband made a comment that he saw how compatible "Mike" and I were. (I'll call him "Mike" here, not his real name).

 

Well, it was such an off the wall comment -- while we were driving to dinner. And I only had only been recently feeling the connections we obviously had, so it was very shocking for my husband to make that comment. I was totally stunned to say the least. I couldnt think of anything to say that wouldn't come out sounding like a nervous lie. Think I just laughed and said "ha ha...real funny " and hoped that the seat would swallow me up.

 

But the realization that even my OWN husband could see Mike and I were perfect for each other, made things MUCH MUCH worse from that point forward.

 

And my husband isn't the only one who notices these things.

 

Mike is an accountant. My past career was banking.

Mike is obsessed with this hobby. I am obsessed with this hobby.

Mike is a tight wad and rarely spends a cent. I am a tight wad and only make purchases that are 100% necessary.

 

My husband is impulsive and spends money like its going out of style and he has no interest at all in taking care of accounting or banking.

 

 

Because I am a journalist, I cover the same events (our hobby) that Mike attends. It never fails that even if there is a crowd of 100,000 people, that the two of us will bump into each other at least a dozen times during the weekend. Fate seems to have a hand in this.

 

I was doing an interview one time - the door swung open on the trailer we were standing next to - and Mike was standing there.

 

When Mike met my 7 year old son, they chatted for a minute and then he said:

 

"You need to marry my 7 year old daughter. She's sweet, smart and pretty....and on top of that she is RICH!"

 

My son just looked up at me and shrugged. Later said that conversation was really "weird". I tried to swallow the huge lump in my throat because I felt the deeper meaning was meant for me.

 

Another time, I was standing about 30 feet from my husband and Mike when I suddenly realize my husband is telling him that he just had a vasectomy. Mike says, "Oh no! Bad idea! You see, my wife LEFT me just after I had mine done!"

 

Then Mike turns to me and shouts "Veronica, if you leave him I will KILL YOU!"

 

I said "Don't worry. I have no plans to leave him".

 

 

A little background on my marriage: I met my husband only 3 weeks after having my fiance break up with me just moments after we had made love. He gave no reason for our breakup. I went into deep depression and stopped eating. Some friends who worried about my plight, set me up with my future husband. He was smotheringly sweet and romantic. He proposed three months later (after he told me "You better say yes, because I'm only going to ask once") and so I said "yes" and moved across the country to be with him. I left the old "me" completely behind.

 

It was only after I moved that I realized he wasn't who I pictured as my ideal soul mate. He had absolutely ZERO sence of humor and was overly dramatic. He doesn't follow any kind of current events, so conversation with him is painfully dull, unless the topic is about sports cars or boats. I have never heard him tell a joke.

 

The other night, watching "Forrest Gump", he said "Wow, I didn't know JFK's little brother was shot too!"

 

Sheesh. Even Forrest Gump knew that.

 

 

But I am being loved immensely, so I figure I really need to make this thing work.

 

I realize now how awful a mistake that was, but that's too bad. My husband, though he does special things like breakfast in bed and buying me special gifts for no reason, he has recently gone back to his old ways of playing head-games with me, is terribly lazy and selfish. I have the duty of taking care of EVERYTHING - house repairs, bills, insurance, taxes, kids, banking. He probably doesn't even know what company we are insured with. I do everthing.

 

If I mention I need him to help me, he becomes defensive and launches into head-games; Cold shoulder, sarcastic comments, retaliation etc. So immature. I hate it.

 

He has no interest in my career: I became a published author 4 years ago. In fact, I kind of see resentment from him since I started becoming successful and recognized. He used to be the family hero so I think his insecurities are taking over. Even his own family never make any mention of any of my work. They treat me as if I am still just a housewife.

 

Once I asked my husband if his mother even knew I was writing a monthly international column, and that I was disappointed that I never heard him ever talk to his relatives or friends about me and my new career. Within a few weeks I got a card from his mom saying "What a great article" and then commented about a totally different article in the same issue. I doubt that she even read it. I think my husband prompted her to "say something" to me, to make me feel better.

 

On the other hand, "Mike" sends emails contratulating me with "great story" whenever my articles appear. It feels so good to be acknowledged like that. I do the same for him when he is deserving of a pat on the back.

 

Another time I bumped into some fairly famous people who had known Mike a long time and so I introduced myself --- They gushed and hugged me and said "Oh Mike has said SO MANY great things about you and what a wonderful person you are!!!"

 

I was on cloud nine. I hadn't felt that good in years.

 

But I am 100% committed to keep my marriage together. I deeply believe that vows are sacred and only a mortal sinner would break them.

 

I now avoid Mike whenever possible. I miss our conversations terribly. He's in my head 24/7 - it's the only way I can make love with my husband.

 

But I surely don't want Mike to get the wrong idea that maybe I don't like him anymore! And that's what I am so afraid of. I've picked up the phone to call him at least a dozen times, but always hang up before I finish dialing.

 

I've made my bed, now I must sleep in it. Forever.

[Torntoshreds]

I just noticed how LONG my posts are. I am very sorry about that.

 

But this has been bottled up inside me for so long. All of my friends are either my husband's friends or Mike's friends. So it has been impossible for me to talk about this with anyone. Pure agony.

 

Just typing it out helps to ease the pain. Thanks for being here!

[camcutie]

Hi Torn,

I said in my last post I know it helps to talk about it, you poor thing I can't Imagen not having anyone to talk about something so troublesome.

 

I have one or two close friends I can confide in, but sometimes it helps to get an outsiders point on a situation.

 

If you get a minute pls check out my thread in personal rants and confessions, for some reason I'm not getting many responses but I could definitely use some input.

 

Thanks and glad to hear your getting things out is helping.

[Torntoshreds]

Hi Cam,

 

I've only lived in this town for 1 year, so I dont have a lot of friends yet. Most are acquaintances of my husband and I, so I dont dare try to confide in them.

 

But there was one young married girlfriend, a sweet Christian wife, who I finally told everything to about how I felt about "Him" and how hard it was fighting off temptation..

 

I thought she'd be shocked, but to my surprise, she started telling me about HER affair she had over the Internet...and how they arranged a clandestine meeting in Chicago - complete with Victoria's Secret specialty underwear just for him! And how her husband had put some software on her computer that relayed everything she typed over to his computer at work.....and he caught them both in Chicago, red-handed!

 

I could have gone without hearing about that, for sure.

[Torntoshreds]

I've just picked myself up off the floor and am breathing again.........

 

 

3:00 pm this afternoon

The scenario:

 

UPS leaves a box on my doorstep. I pick it up, fairly certain it will be for my husband (I never get anything) and to my surprise I see the box is addressed to me!

 

Looking at the "From" address, I see is came from MIKE'S company.....GULP.

 

Feeling both giddy anticipation and dreadful fear, I open the box.

 

Ahh...It's a video tape that I ordered long LONG time ago to do some research for work. I had forgotten that Mike's company was going to be distributing this tape.

 

Ok. NO harm there.

 

So I pop the tape in the VCR......and suddenly I'm on a merry go round. MIKE is NOT supposed to be on this tape, yet there he is right at the beginning of the tape, giving an INTERVIEW! For the next 10 minutes the MC repeats Mike's name at least 50 times. UGH!

 

And the MC even makes comments about Mike's "new" fiance on the footage!!! (Mike has since married - something I was totally unaware of until he called my husband and told him, a week after the ceremony).

 

 

So - Was this just another uncanny coincidence?

Or did fate have a hand in doing this to me???

 

 

 

AND.....explain to me how am I supposed to do RESEARCH while I am being tortured like this?

 

Life is so hard.

:::::::sigh::::::::

[Torntoshreds]

Strange cooincidence # 25

 

 

 

15 years ago, long before I met my husband, I had purchased one of his products. (My husband owned his own company). I then won a very big national award with this product.

 

The award was so big, that my husband's company used my name and my award in their advertising campaign. Four other people and their high achievements with this same product were included in that ad, but they were insignificant names to me at the time. The ad went out to all the major magazines that they advertized with back then.

 

I thought that was SO cool, so I saved the magazine and it's in my scrap book box. I showed it to my kids the other day --- "See that? That's Mommy!"

 

 

Then -- I notice the four other names of people in that ad - people who used that product and won big awards that year (1988) just like me ---- and one of those people is MIKE!

 

Coincidence?

Or fate?

 

You be the judge.

[VivianLee]

I don't think these things are fate as much as coincidence. You both enjoy the same hobby and you work for him, things will coincide from time to time. You feel so strongly about him that you are looking for things to be a sign of "fate"....you know how when you fall in love and it seems every song on the radio is about you and your new love? But of course there are 10 million other people feeling the same way. It's just the feeling is so strong, you are making things fit in your mind.

 

Since you need to change your feelings towards him (since y'all won't likely be together for whatever reason) try being very logical about this. If y'all had ended up being together, he may not be all that you thought, it could have been the same situation you ran into once you married your husband. Living with someone day to day is just so much more different than dating or an affair. Life is just that way, plus, he could have some very annoying and hidden problems that you don't realize he has. So perhaps you can just get in the mindset of the fact you live with someone that is opposite of you (seems like if you lived with a clone life would get VERY boring) and isn't perfect (who is) and that "dream guy/soulmate" Mike could have a big time problem with gas!! Just kidding, you can put whatever situation or condition that would be a turn off!

 

Move on, life is too short to want and worry about what you can't have. Tell your husband what you want out of your marriage and if he won't listen then go to a counselor yourself and see what you can do to deal with this or consider a trial separation (sometimes measures such as these can jerk people into reality!)....but forget about Mike, he's obviously moved on just fine!

[Torntoshreds]

Thanks Vivian,

 

What you described really works. That's how I was able to get over my last love. I focussed on how stubborn he was (even tho that trait really didn't bother me that much) but I still would tell myself what a toad he was (psycho-cybernetics; garbage in, garbage out). Eventually he just didn't seem "all that".

 

With Mike - I even began doing it. About the only flaw I can find in him is that he is a tight-wad. He hoards money, even though he's very wealthy, but hates to spend a dime. This could stem from his original occupation as an accountant. When I worked for him, my pay was so pathetically dismal (Anywhere else I could have easily made triple what I was earning) and caused my husband to go through the roof!

 

But I don't work for him anymore. He was a director for the company I work at now - but he resigned a few months ago and started his own firm.

 

 

Now he has asked me to come work for him as his Internet marketing director. The pay he is offering is embarrassing - but he promises that I will only have to work 5-6 hours per week. (But he knows I'll be more dedicated than that - I always am. Like him, I'm passionate about this 'hobby' ).

 

I didn't give him an answer. When he emailed me earlier this month, looking for my answer, I told him there was too much going on right now for me to give an answer. He said "Let me know when things settle down". I never replied.

 

But then I saw the movie "Love Actually" where there is a guy who is madly in love with his best friend's wife, but she doesn't know it. So, he avoids her - won't talk to her - won't look in her eyes - barely says 'hi' - etc - so she starts to think he HATES her!

 

I thought "Oh no - He probably thinks I hate him!"

 

So I emailed him yesterday and told him I'd work for him 4 hrs per week.....for free.

 

 

Now I just have to keep reminding myself that he's "Mr Scrooge".

[VivianLee]

Okay, I think you were on the right track but that movie, kinda, sorta "derailed" you!! LOL!! It doesn't matter if he thinks you hate him, that would probably be better for the situation if he did but (I'm not trying to be ugly) it could be possible that he's happy in his new marriage and doesn't give you any thoughts of hate or love. You could be sitting there in all this agony of many years over him and he's not given you a second thought except when he wants good yet cheap (salary wise) work. The best thing you could do to regain dignity in your life and to get over this guy (working for or with him will not help no matter how many times you think he's Scrooge) is to NOT work for him, work for someone where you'll get paid what you are worth.....

 

I think you want to not feel the pain but I don't think you are willing to let him go or to get over him. Until you truly want him out of your life, you're going to cling to whatever you can to have him in it!! That's just not cool, from your posts, you are good at what you do and you have a good husband....don't waste it away pining over someone that may not give a moments thought towards you!! Okay?