i'm so tired of it

[forever_waiting]

this is the situation with the person i rent my room from. i've let him abuse me psychologically, i've shut my eyes to his sexual harassment, he's borderline stalked me this whole time. i don't know where to go from here.

 

i've been unemployed since last year and had trouble paying him a few times before. i was so worried at the thought i was going to end up on the street that i let this guy take advantage of me. he 'let me off the hook' if i did certain things- he never said anything about it when i was able to pay him, acted like nothing ever happened. but as soon as i was vulnerable he tried to 'help me out.' i felt like i had to oblige. i don't know what i was thinking. for months it went on with him calling my phone, showing up at my door, persuading me to 'talk with him' over drinks in one of his empty flats. he tracked my movements when i tried to ignore him. he terrorized me into an anxious wreck, violated my privacy, unlocked my door when i tried to hide away. stripped away my self esteem. he figured out ways to intimidate me and made passive-aggressive comments about the money i owed when i tried to stand up for myself.

when he offered me drinks, made sexual remarks, touched me, held me down and tried to kiss me, i never said 'no'. i never said 'yes'. i just said nothing and let it happen. i pushed it to the back of my mind, and all the time he acted like nothing was happening at all. like it was 'normal' and that i even wanted it.

 

the anxiety he caused is destroying me. i can't hear the key in the front door without panicking. everytime my phone rings i just want to hide away and ignore it. i'm so exhausted i don't even want to go out anymore. i feel like i can't say anything against him because i allowed him to do this to me- like i've fallen into this pit of shame and self-disgust for what i've done to myself. i want to get help to move on from this, get away from here, but some sick voice in the back of my mind keeps telling me i deserved it, that it's my own fault and that i don't deserve help because i can't even get a job to pay my bills.

 

am i right to think this or am i really losing it? i just don't even know anymore.

[passionisall]

It is not your fault, he is a bad character. The fact that you do not have a job has little to do with who you are. Do not forget that many people are living in the same economical crisis as you. You seem like a nice girl, just do not forget that, who is fighting for her existence. You could try writing a daily journal in order to cope with the issue, cause then you can see how your mind is changing; and I'm sure that one day you'll realize how much you've grown regardless of the precarious hardship you've faced.

 

Do you have any family or friends you could live with?

 

stay in touch, we are here to help

[quankanne]

get yourself to a battered women's shelter immediately – they'll help you get back on your feet, and help you through this. You don't have to put up with abuse any more ... if you choose not to.

[ashleigh422]

quankanne is sooo right. They will help you. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

 

You are not crazy. It is a tactic. He acts like nothing has happened to make you feel like you are losing it.

 

Nothing that you have done makes you deserve the hurt and feelings that you feel. You definatly need to get out of this room and leave him forever and never look back.

 

Good luck to you!

[Tayla]

The best I can say is, you sound like you are admitting your flaw in this environment and have the sense to know its not healthy. That should speak volumes that you have your wits about you. Yes, I think you made some poor choices in actions. You are an adult and guess what?? We get the chance each day to make up for those poor choices and change things. It starts with a resolution and an action plan. The other folks are right, seek a shelter where you'll receive assistance and reasonable ways to move on from this issue.

As to the fellow, if it continues seek police help. This guy is bad news....