Why does my MM still contact me even though he broke it off?

[jj33]

Janet each situation is different but mine sounds similar in many ways

 

No cajones and regardless of what he has said, no action.

 

Clearly not doing what it takes to make the marriage better or he wouldnt stilll be running around after me like a puppy and then saying no its nothing to do with the past - just business.

 

I would suggest to you that its not like he doesnt think about the negative he just doesnt want to discuss it with you.

 

If he slinks away what have you lost other than the attention. If he misses you he misses you regardless of whether he calls. You have to know in your heart that you were important to him.

 

In my experience it is not unusual - it is the status quo. No matter what I do no matter what I have said, he has refused to stay away. He always finds a reason to be in contact and justifies it and when I call him on what is clearly personal contact he says I am wrong. (his song and hes singing it)

 

I am floored that after several years he hasnt decided this is just too much trouble (and there has been BIG trouble beleive me) but he is persistent. And no he doesnt want FWB he just likes being in contact with me and I have learned that from his perspective, any attention is fine whether its negative or positive.

 

You say he is bopping along but really you have NO idea what he is thinking or whether he is fine without you. Yes he has chosen to be without you - so he thinks that is the better or more practical choice but that doesnt mean hes happy with it. I dont say that to give you hope years later I am dogged by this dog, and nothing material has changed.

[dannie19]

I'm glad I found this post because my situation is extremely similar; affair with a colleague, broken off by him and now he's trying to stay friends. I think he is trying to stay friends because factoring me into the relationship with his wife helps to keep it stable, it is a release, takes some of the pressure of them, adds a bit of variety, he wants to continue to use me as an escape, a boost for his ego and his needs and to keep his 22 year relationaship from falling apart. It would be too much effrot to try and find someone else to have this kind of relationship with. He's lazy. Maybe that's the same reasons for your man, along of course with all the other reasons suggested here, especailly the safety net one. What I don't get is not why they want to be friends but how they can manage that, it hurts me to just see him and to think that he wants to happily spend time wtih me just like we were still lovers, that I don't get, he must be very cold or maybe just a loony!

[jj33]

Dannie I wonder the exact same thing. And then I think, he likes my company, he wants to have those good feelings back that he used to get from being around me.

[PlanetJanet]

Thanks everyone.

 

We actually exchanged a few emails this week. Last Saturday I was having a weak day and I sort of went off on him. Didn't tell him anything new, but I told him that he is selfish and that he settled and that he is making a mistake. I also told him that I don't understand why he hangs around - he doesn't want to be friends, lovers, partners, etc. So what's left? Again all of what i said is old news, thinks I have told him many times before.

 

But, his answer was to tell me that he is mad at me for "tempting him" the last time he was here. Like it was all my doing. He is mad that I call him selfish for working on his marriage. (I call him selfish for a host of other reasons). He does not feel like he is settling (a few months ago he told me he is settling). He said a lot of other things that smacked of self-righteousness, like he is some good married man now and I am the vile temptress who doesn't "get" that he needs to remain virtuous. And the upshot was - he said that he wants to take a break.

 

On the one hand it's a relief because now I don't have to worry about emails or calls at work. On the other hand I feel really bad that things ended on such a sour note. I asked if we could have one more talk, in public, to clarify things. I was met with silence.

 

It feels weird that he is truly gone. I could try to contact him and he would not respond. I have no idea what a "break" means. Am I off the hook for 3 weeks or a year? Uncertainty bothers me. It's also the first time in almost 2 years that he has not been in my life, and he entered my life a few months after I left my marriage and moved out. So my entire "single" life has involved this man.

 

jj33 - is there nothing you can threaten your man with to get him to leave you alone? Or are you like me and you actually don't mind the contact completely? I find contact from my MM confusing but the absence of it feels weird too.

 

I know if I got fed up enough with my MM I would tell him "leave me alone or I will rat you out to your wife and your parents and your new, Christian boss." He would disappear. That is not something I want to do but for someone like my MM that would be an effective threat.

[MichelleZB]

It actually sounds to me like your breakup is going pretty well. The only think is you have to get him to stop bugging you, especially at work. So please write him a little note saying, "I think it will be best if we don't communicate on a personal level for awhile." If he whines and asks "But WHYYYYYYYY?" remember that you don't owe him an explanation. Just keep repeating the same thing over and over: "I don't need to have a long, drama-filled conversation about this with you. We had an affair and we've ended it, and it's best if we don't contact each other in this manner. Thanks for your understanding."

 

Then just don't reply to his emails and texts. If you have to--like if he corners you--you can use stock phrases like, "I'm sorry, that's personal," and "I'm not discussing this." He'll give up eventually. Good luck!

 

(Though if he keeps sticking to you like a bad smell, tell him that he must be professional or you will be forced to take this to HR.)

[quackquackhen]

why does he want to keep in contact???...i am the mw instigating nc with my om...i am on day one and it is killing me...why???...

i am not so sure that it is about keeping my options open...it is more about the loss of intimacy and of course the great sex that only an affair can produce...what's with that???...grrrrr...

i don't suppose it helps to hear that he really may still pine for you...but he is trying to put his M back on track...it just sucks...because there is part of you that needs complete nc so that you can move on and there is part of you that needs something so that you know that you meant something to him...ok well that is how it is for me anyway...

i am sending you good thoughts...be strong...xxx

[PlanetJanet]

QQH I think it's hard to stay away from someone for whom you have tremendous feelings. Even if they want to be "done" with the relationship the feelings linger for so much longer.

 

Michelle my MM no longer works with me. He is asking for a break now and I think he will actually stay away. While on one hand my mind is getting a little bit of rest from the emotional roller coaster, there is still a part of me that

 

(a) misses him terribly and wonders how long this break will be

(b) is angry at him and wants to punish him by telling his wife about us

© is in such turmoil that I am on here, trying to find answers and solace from people in a similar situation.

 

For a while we were on a trajectory to be just friends - talking on the phone or texting HELLO once in a while. We were talking about doing things together as friends eventually. But then we ended up messing around the last time we were together and that derailed the whole thing. Oh if we had just met in public that day.

 

Again I am torn because on one hand it seems like he wants to keep some sort of contact, of a healthy sort. And I want that too when he is able to keep his perspective where it belongs. Which is with his wife (allgedly).

But then I think maybe he is gone for good and the uncertainty is making me nuts.

 

Only time will tell whether we ever speak again, and I am trying to fill my time and energy with other activities so that he is not filling up my mind. I kick myself sometimes when I think about all the hours and days I have spent ruminating about the MM, while my kids are ignored or not tended to in the way they deserve. talk about messed up priorities.

 

Sorry I am all over the map this morning I had a night of tossing and turning.

[MichelleZB]

Don't try to be "friends" even if he suggests it again. It will be pretty impossible with both of you still feeling this way, and is not going to help you cauterize the wound.

 

Also, don't try to contact his wife--for the same reasons. It's not like he doesn't "deserve" it. It's more that contacting his wife is going to embroil you in the same drama and angst and the same narrow little world (you, him, his wife) that you were stuck in before, except without the fun sex. Run away from the drama.

 

Of course you're focusing on the affair and this guy--it's still all "Should we be friends or not? Should I contact him or not? Should I call his wife or not?" I see that you have a therapist, and you must be talking about this all the time with your therapist, too. It's all affair, affair, affair, all the time.

 

Forget that crap. Is there something engrossing and time consuming you can just throw yourself into? How old are your children? If they're under 6 or so, I suggest violin lessons. You'll have to practice with your children every day and figure out a whole new skill set with them. It's quality time with them, it's great for your kid's brains, etc.--but also will take up a healthy chunk of your time and brain power.

 

Or if you and your children are not inclined, or you have older children, try a consuming sport, like hockey or swimming. Or take a course yourself. I have lots of wacky ideas here. Essentially, fill up your life until there's no room for this guy and his wife.

[PlanetJanet]

Thank you Michelle

 

I thought the friends idea was kind of strange because I have never heard of two A partners remaining friends after they are done with the A. However I am also someone who has kept ties with people from all avenues of my life including -ex's so it didn't seem like a totally crazy idea from my perspective. It's the kind of thing *I* would want to do. However I did wonder why the MM would want to remain "friends" with his OW when he chose to go back and rebuild with his W. Especially since the W doesn't like me and he has to lie if he wants to see me. Hardly the foundation for rebuilding a marriage.

 

Hence the reason I began this thread in the first place. Wondering what motivated him to do this at all.

 

I still think he's keeping me as a backup plan. Never mind that i am not sitting around waiting. I love him so much but I am not stupid. I know that I would never accept him "as is" for a partner even if he were divorced. He is so capable of lying and cheating, who says he wouldn't do it to me.

 

All the same I am still attached to him on some level. And while I am enjoying the break, I miss him and wonder when/if he will come back.

 

Reading this website is helping me detach as I find more people in the same predicament as me. I see that it will get better. I see that this misery and heartache will end. AND I see people just starting to walk down the same road I did. I see how far I have come, and also try to help them not make the same mistakes I did.

 

But I digress...

 

My kids are 7 and 10. Just getting them to do homework and playing with them keeps me pretty busy. Although I can ruminate while I am playing Legos or Barbie. I am trying so hard to be there for them.

 

Yes I have a therapist and she actually said a friendship with the MM could work after a break and some time to let things heal. She said that he will come back. She also told me to find other activities and plans to fill my life, to help end my dependence on the MM. He has been a consuming force in my life for about 18 months now.

[sisyphus]

I just have to say THANK YOU for starting this thread. I am going through your exact same situation, almost to a tee, right now. Struggling with why on earth he would want to be friends with me. Dealing with the way he makes me feel guilty for still wanting physical contact with him. Me not understanding how he can just turn things "off" like that - go from not being able to keep his hands to himself (literally, even at work) to being all stand-offish and taking the high road. I don't understand any of it.

 

What makes it worse is that I've got the mixed blessing of him wanting to take the high road and not do anything, but not being able to control himself sometimes. So here come the sudden hugs, the random, deep, passionate kisses... followed by a "you know we can't do this" and guilt trip when I respond the way I normally would. (Hey, you pull me in and kiss me passionately, my body is going to respond and I'm going to want more. Sue me)

 

What I don't understand is KNOWING all this, knowing that he "doesn't trust himself" around me (what am I, human crack?), knowing that he has strong feelings for me and that being around me messes with his head... knowing all of this, he STILL wants to be friends! Its super confusing because its not like he has any time, outside of work, to "hang out". I mean, what - are we going to go see a movie together? Grab a dinner? Go to a baseball game? I mean seriously.

 

The worst part is that he knows me so well (even after such a short time - this A barely lasted 2 1/2 months before he spazzed out) that I can't lie to him or hide things from him. And vice versa. So we're a real mess when together because we're both TRYING to do the "right" thing - me trying to be all virtuous and saying go back to your wife, work it out, i don't want to be a homewrecker; him trying to tell me that he loves me but that he should choose his family, he would be a horrible person if he destroyed his kids' lives.... when we really read the truth on each other's faces. The last thing I want for him to do is to go back to his family. I want him with me. And no matter what he says (I know he loves his family), he hates the associated responsibility and demands, is largely unfulfilled, and yet is terrified to change anything.

 

Argh!

Anyway, thank you for your post. It was gut-wrenching to read (especially the part about how he told you he was settling, then denied it, then blamed you for the physical, etc - since that has all happened to me), but it may just be the kick in the pants I need to choose ME instead of HIM.

 

I survived before him, I need to learn to survive without him.

[mourningMM]

I've read through this thread, and I've looked at my own choices. Here is a perspective that I think I should share.

 

You, and we all have a choice, when we spend time with a person who is married. We are choosing to live in the moment and avoid contemplation of the ripple effect. We choose our own feelings, and the feelings of our lovers over logic, or moral decisions, or vows, or even legal implications.

 

We leave doors open, consciously or unconsciously, to maintain a connection. Fooled Once said

isn't just about sex. It is about connecting on a different level. It is about an emotional, a spiritual, a mental, an intellectual, a physical connection. IF two people find this -- they don't want to lose it.

 

FO was talking about a marriage, but we can also say that about an affair as well. People in an affair always have relationship and commitment issues, obviously or they would not be willing participate in something that is less than a complete partnership. But as dysfunctional as we may be, we always yearn for that connection.

 

Connections exist. And love can exist. And it is very hard to deny desire to make a loved one happy. It is doubly hard in person. NC, to be real, can't include dwelling on the affair partner in their absence. I've become more and more convinced that even thinking about a partner maintains a connection that can be felt more than seen.

 

Think of it as breaking an addiction, distract yourself every time your thoughts stray in that direction. Do what smokers do, wear a rubber-band around your wrist and snap it each time you think about the ex-partner. Because if you think of them, they will think of you. If you miss them, they will miss you. And if they come back, sending them away will be even harder than it was the first time.

 

You must believe that YOU deserve a full and complete partnership, and that you are capable of being in one to put the affair behind you.

 

And when you do believe that, then your real partner will enter your life. And the echo of a relationship that was the affair will fade into your past as a warm memory and a life lesson.

 

Believe this; it will happen for us all. And be patient.

[PlanetJanet]

Well it has been two months of NC for myself and my MM. We agreed to take a "break" back in early April and it's still holding. Although only in part because I did break down and text him a few weeks ago, to say that if he wants to resume verbal communication I am agreeable to that. I really believed that he just wanted to take a break so we could cool off and get some distance. because even 2 months ago he insisted that he wanted to be "friends." I am friends with a lot of my -exs (although none were MM) and so it was not outside the realm of possibility that we could do that.

 

No matter though. He did not respond to my text.

 

I don't know what I would have done if he actually answered. And I am not really sure why I sent it. I think to see what his response would be. Shot myself in the foot, because his LACK of answer hurts almost as much as a mean or hurtful answer would have. At times I want to hear from him and know that he is all right, talk and laugh like we used to. Other days I am mad as hell at him, for leading me on and using me as balm for his ego while he thought about how to make things good again with the wife.

 

It's interesting to step back and look at this situation now that it has retreated from the front of my mind. I feel much more peaceful. Yes I lost the lover but I also lost the drama and mixed messages and all the emotional dreck he was foisting upon me. I am lonely sometimes but it's gotten to the point where I can lay in bed (alone) and think about him without crying or dwelling on hurtful things. I feel lighter, I feel free. I got incredible support from friends but also sense a little impatience from them. They want me to shelve him and forget. It's not that fast and easy.

 

I have no idea how he is doing. I only know he is still working the new job because I have to drive past it sometimes when I drop off my kids with their dad. YES my ex works a block from the MM! Small world.

 

The sick thing is we still have mutual friends and every time there is a party I have to subtly find out whether he was invited. Because I do NOT want to see him. He would show up and be all nice and friendly to me like nothing ever existed between us, he is good at putting on a game face, and it would upset me to see him faking like that. I don't really want to lay eyes on the man.

[PlanetJanet]

I just have to say THANK YOU for starting this thread. I am going through your exact same situation, almost to a tee, right now. Struggling with why on earth he would want to be friends with me. Dealing with the way he makes me feel guilty for still wanting physical contact with him. Me not understanding how he can just turn things "off" like that - go from not being able to keep his hands to himself (literally, even at work) to being all stand-offish and taking the high road. I don't understand any of it.

 

What makes it worse is that I've got the mixed blessing of him wanting to take the high road and not do anything, but not being able to control himself sometimes. So here come the sudden hugs, the random, deep, passionate kisses... followed by a "you know we can't do this" and guilt trip when I respond the way I normally would. (Hey, you pull me in and kiss me passionately, my body is going to respond and I'm going to want more. Sue me)

 

What I don't understand is KNOWING all this, knowing that he "doesn't trust himself" around me (what am I, human crack?), knowing that he has strong feelings for me and that being around me messes with his head... knowing all of this, he STILL wants to be friends! Its super confusing because its not like he has any time, outside of work, to "hang out". I mean, what - are we going to go see a movie together? Grab a dinner? Go to a baseball game? I mean seriously.

 

Sisyphus he is messing with your head! If he wants to take the high road and go back to the marriage then he needs to stop pursuing you. If a friendship is even possible it's not going to be possible while the two of you are raging with feelings. It's wrong for him to pursue you and unfair for him to tantalize you. If he is going back to the marriage then his energies should be focused in that direction. And if he is too weak to stay away from you, do yourself a favor, take the high road that HE should also be walking, and refuse him. It will be of great benefit to you. Do you really need this barrage of emotional confusion in your day to day life?

 

We sound like soul sisters, Sisyphus! I did the same things as you, rode the same emotional roller coaster, was made to feel guilty for wanting him. Like it's my fault and i am some crazy temptress? Like I tied him down? It's simply a way for the WS to avoid taking responsibility for their role in the A.

 

My WS and I went the friendship route too. I tried to pursue a public friendship (because it was safer for both of us), once he left our job. And basically, he refused to see me. He said it was because if he saw me, he would want to pull me aside and kiss me, and OF COURSE I'd let him (he thinks himself quite the stud muffin), so rather than put himself in that situation he just stayed away.

 

At the end of March we had a long talk. He answered all my questions, basically told me he wanted to stay with his wife, told me that he was ready to pursue that public friendship. We talked about how it would look and what we wanted, thought we had put the A to bed and could move forward just as friends who could see each other in public. Then we ended up getting intimate which put us right back on the emotional roller coaster. A few days later he began to talk about how he was trying to find time for me in his schedule, the next day he was guilty and distant, it spun out of control. Finally I had had enough and I sent him a WTF? email. Then he said we should take a break. Closed his email with "I hope you will forgive me someday for letting you down."

 

Harumpf.

 

I hope your tryst has a softer landing than mine. It must be so hard to still work with the guy. The one thing that ended it for us, definitively, was him leaving the job. Now we have no reason for our paths to cross again. So if your MM is unbearable one of you should find work in a new company or a different department. Get rid of that daily stimulation. It's fun on the surface but I found it also provoked a level of anxiety that melted away once we went on NC.

 

Keep in touch Sisyphus!

[Reality Drip]

Agree with mourning. You left the door open and he's going to keep a "foot" in the door. Men are opportunistic and if you give even the slightest promise of sex available we are going to start scheming.

 

Completely cut it off. It really won't go anywhere. As a man, I have to tell you that most times men say what they must to bait you long enough to get what we want out of the deal.

 

-Max

[sisyphus]

Reading this - and other posts - has made me wonder if anyone else has had this thought -

 

How is it that these men, who seem so loving and caring and genuinely concerned for our welfare, can do things to us that hurt us so deeply? I am struggling to reconcile the sweet, kind nice person I fell for with his recent actions. Janet you are so right in saying that what he is doing is wrong. I don't understand it. And I don't understand myself - why am I so scared to lose him?? It's not like I'm really getting anything out of this situation...

[jj33]

Janet if you dont work with him, then why do you have to pursue a public friendship? You dont work together anymore. There is no real reason for your paths to cross. Its natural that when someone leaves a job certain friendships (even with the nicest of people) fall away. The "public" would understand that. All you would need is a nice polite hello when you do see each other.

 

The problem is that so long as you are concerned about and interested in pursuing a friendship its because you have not accepted that the A is over. And until you accept that the A is over, the friendship is unhealthy for you.

 

You have the power to control whether you have a friendship, there are no more public appearances to keep up at work.

 

And Sisyphus I totally understand your situation as you know. But do try to keep it to a minimum if you can. The reasons they do this? Because they can. Im sure a part of them misses you both just as you miss them, but allowing yourself to be kept on a string is no fun. If I had appreciated the situation for what it was a long time ago, I might never have found myself in the tricky position I am in with xMM now.

 

Three years of "trying to be friends" has worn itself so thin that we are at war most of the time, good love turned really ugly.

[PlanetJanet]

You left the door open and he's going to keep a "foot" in the door. Men are opportunistic and if you give even the slightest promise of sex available we are going to start scheming.

... As a man, I have to tell you that most times men say what they must to bait you long enough to get what we want out of the deal.

 

-Max

 

Thanks Max, but it's a moot point as we went NC in April. I broke the NC by texting him, but he did not respond.

 

Why would a guy ask for a "break" and then stay away? Why not just end it, cleanly. He knew I would not go postal or mess with him. His "break" is actually more hurtful than a clean break would have been. There has been no finality and no closure.

[PlanetJanet]

Janet if you dont work with him, then why do you have to pursue a public friendship?

 

The problem is that so long as you are concerned about and interested in pursuing a friendship its because you have not accepted that the A is over. And until you accept that the A is over, the friendship is unhealthy for you.

 

You have the power to control whether you have a friendship, there are no more public appearances to keep up at work.

 

 

 

It wasn't that I NEEDED to pursue a friendship with him. He said he wanted a friendship, and in some ways I did too. I thought we could hang on to the parts of our friendship that had nothing to do with sex or cheating; the things we had in common or enjoyed talking about. Because we had a lot in common and could sit back and watch a movie, or discuss politics, as easily as we could hop into the sack.

 

I agree with you. In weaker moments I wish he would come back so that means I am not really "done" with him in my mind.

 

No i do not have the control over whether we have a friendship, because that requires the efforts of two people and I am only one. He has gone NC and that is the way it has to be now.

[whichwayisup]

It's over. He's done this because it's easier on HIM to just disappear and stay in NC mode. He doesn't want to deal with your reaction, questions, accusations, pain, whatever. His silence means, it's over. Question is for you, can you accept that? Leave him alone and begin your own healing process? Make your own closure.

 

If you contact him again you may get a response you really won't like..

[PlanetJanet]

Reading this - and other posts - has made me wonder if anyone else has had this thought -

 

How is it that these men, who seem so loving and caring and genuinely concerned for our welfare, can do things to us that hurt us so deeply? I am struggling to reconcile the sweet, kind nice person I fell for with his recent actions. Janet you are so right in saying that what he is doing is wrong. I don't understand it. And I don't understand myself - why am I so scared to lose him?? It's not like I'm really getting anything out of this situation...

Well I don't think they are trying to hurt us. I think they are confused and weak and non-committal. Demonstrated by their ability to stay faithful, or make the break and leave the marriage. My MM once told me that he wished he could have both me and his BS, in one big house, so he could have everything he wanted. Childish and unrealistic, but that is what he wanted.

Maybe your guy feels the same. He is trying to do right and go back to his BS but still sees you and wants you. he gets carried away but doesn't want to go back down the A road with you.

 

Why are you scared to lose him? I don't know. I used to think that I could NEVER find another person who touched me like my MM did. That he was special and unique, that our bond was forever, that he was "the one" in some ways. But I realize now that while he IS special and was wonderful, he was also UNAVAILABLE and very flawed. Flawed because he was willing to lie to, and cheat on his spouse, leave me dangling while he wrestled with his conscience, etc etc.

 

I realize now that i deserve better and can find better. And you can too. As a friend reminds me over and over, I never really had my MM. He was never mine and it was wrong for me to expect anything more than the crumbs he was throwing me.

 

You can do better, you deserve better, we all do. Hang in there and let me know how you are doing!

[jj33]

It's over. He's done this because it's easier on HIM to just disappear and stay in NC mode. He doesn't want to deal with your reaction, questions, accusations, pain, whatever. His silence means, it's over. Question is for you, can you accept that? Leave him alone and begin your own healing process? Make your own closure.

 

If you contact him again you may get a response you really won't like..

 

Great post WWIU. Janet you really should try your best not to contact him anymore. He took the cowards way out. he left the door open so that he may try to contact you if HE wants to, but equally he doesnt have to deal with any fall out however well meaning. He called NC on his terms and will only respond if and when it suits him

[PlanetJanet]

It's over. He's done this because it's easier on HIM to just disappear and stay in NC mode. He doesn't want to deal with your reaction, questions, accusations, pain, whatever. His silence means, it's over. Question is for you, can you accept that? Leave him alone and begin your own healing process? Make your own closure.

 

Can I accept that he doesn't want to deal with me? Well that's not fun to hear but it makes sense. I don't think I have a choice. I cannot force him to talk to me, I don't want to "force" anything. I don't know what the future brings, heck maybe one day he will come back. And maybe not. But all I can do at this juncture is step back, do other things and let it play out as it's going to. I already feel like a desperate fool for texting him.

 

I do wish he had said "we are done and I am not coming back" and walked away. That is how people usually end something permanently, and I am a lot more used to that. The "I want a break" threw me because it's not permanent, or final. It's a break, like halftime at a football game or a lunch hour.

 

It's just so hard sometimes, WWIU I have no idea what your story is on here, but I am a recent member of the OM/OW club. It was not my intention, it went to a place i never expected, I got carried away by promises and passion and dreams of something else. They never came to pass.

 

I will try my hardest to leave him alone. It's only in weak moments that I reach out to him, but believe me his silence is sending a TREMENDOUS message that is hard to ignore. And the message is for me to bug off. I agree that if I keep pushing it, I might get a response that I really dislike.

[whichwayisup]

Can I accept that he doesn't want to deal with me? Well that's not fun to hear but it makes sense. I don't think I have a choice. I cannot force him to talk to me, I don't want to "force" anything. I don't know what the future brings, heck maybe one day he will come back. And maybe not. But all I can do at this juncture is step back, do other things and let it play out as it's going to. I already feel like a desperate fool for texting him.

 

You're right, you don't have a choice here. It's over and sadly for you, it's something you need to accept and not wish or hope for him to come back. His actions have backed up his words. He's doing NC and sticking to it. He isn't acknowledging anything you've written to him.. The silence he's giving you IS your answer that the A is over and he's moving on.

 

I'm sure he cares about you, but he cares about himself and his wife, saving his marriage more. Rightfully so! He has every right to change his mind and end the affair. Like it or not.

 

Don't text him again. Read No Foolin's thread about no contact, I will post the link for you when I find it..

 

I do wish he had said "we are done and I am not coming back" and walked

away. That is how people usually end something permanently, and I am a lot more used to that. The "I want a break" threw me because it's not permanent, or final. It's a break, like halftime at a football game or a lunch hour.

 

It is, you're right. But again, he is and has done what's best/easiest for himself.

 

It's just so hard sometimes, WWIU I have no idea what your story is on here, but I am a recent member of the OM/OW club. It was not my intention, it went to a place i never expected, I got carried away by promises and passion and dreams of something else. They never came to pass.

 

I will try my hardest to leave him alone. It's only in weak moments that I reach out to him, but believe me his silence is sending a TREMENDOUS message that is hard to ignore. And the message is for me to bug off. I agree that if I keep pushing it, I might get a response that I really dislike.

 

Focus on grieving, letting go. Take it day by day and be around people who have your back and care about you. Friends and family, neighbours...

 

Isn't it better to stay in NC? Someone's signature says NC=No new hurts. And, wouldn't it kill you if you wrote him and he wrote back, saying something very hurtful or basically just said, don't ever contact me again...? That would be worse than what you're feeling now.

[whichwayisup]

Here's the link. Read it anytime you feel like contacting him.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/

[PlanetJanet]

I'm sure he cares about you, but he cares about himself and his wife, saving his marriage more. Rightfully so! He has every right to change his mind and end the affair. Like it or not.

 

 

Focus on grieving, letting go. Take it day by day and be around people who have your back and care about you. Friends and family, neighbours...

 

Isn't it better to stay in NC? Someone's signature says NC=No new hurts. And, wouldn't it kill you if you wrote him and he wrote back, saying something very hurtful or basically just said, don't ever contact me again...? That would be worse than what you're feeling now.

 

I will thank you for that link if you can find it.

 

I deleted his phone number from my phone but it's still in my brain. I am trying to forget it.

 

I know he had the right to end the A and go back to his marriage. I was just foolish enough to think that he wasn't going to do that. I actually believed that I had touched him deeply enough, that he cared for me enough, saw a promise of a different kind of life, that he would leave the old life and be with me. It happens all the time, why couldn't I have it too?

 

I don't know how to focus on letting go, that is an interesting idea because when I focus on him at all, it makes the rest of my life grind to a halt. I snap at my kids, space out at work, don't have any energy to do other things. I spend hours thinking, journaling, reading this website, filling my mind with thoughts that just lead me into the fog, and not out.

 

In the weeks before we went NC he told me that he wanted to be friends, and have dinner or see movies, etc. Do things in public even though he had to fight the urge to pull me aside and kiss me. We were still talking, he'd call a few times per week. And it all went to hell one day and turned into NC.

 

In the email where he the "break" he sounded like he was just overwhelmed and so it made sense to ask for one. (In fact I agreed with him and said it was a good idea.) He had a new job, we were treading in new territory, he was feeling guilty, so honestly I had no reason to think that he meant anything other than what he said. Which was "I think we need to take a break." He didn't say "don't ever contact me again" or "I am blocking you" or anything like that. He said "I think we need to take a break." I believed him. But maybe I was just a fool. Maybe he did just take the coward's way out.

 

So many aspects of affairs are about selfishness and pursuing what a person wants, regardless of how it hurts others. He was willing to trample on his wife's heart and feelings, why should mine be spared, right? As long as he is satisfied and can look himself in the mirror, that is all that matters. At least to him.

 

Still it's funny to think that someone who took me on this painful emotional roller coaster, "cares about me." I know he does, but what kind of person treats those they love, in this fashion? Again I should not be surprised because he never seemed to take into consideration how his actions would hurt someone else.

 

And i have to tell you - if he never comes back and we are on NC until the day we die, then all of you who said he was an SOB and a liar and a coward and didn't really care about me - then you are all proven right.

 

If he does come back then I can still believe some of the things I think in my gut -that he did care for me, that he was conflicted and that he left "us" reluctantly, that he wanted to maintain some kind of connection with me, that our relationship meant something.

 

THAT is why I hope that NC is not forever. There, I said it.