Why does my MM still contact me even though he broke it off?

[cavedweller]

Janet,

 

It is over..You have to let him go..

[lolapalooza]

And i have to tell you - if he never comes back and we are on NC until the day we die, then all of you who said he was an SOB and a liar and a coward and didn't really care about me - then you are all proven right.

 

If he does come back then I can still believe some of the things I think in my gut -that he did care for me, that he was conflicted and that he left "us" reluctantly, that he wanted to maintain some kind of connection with me, that our relationship meant something.

 

THAT is why I hope that NC is not forever. There, I said it.

Or it might just mean he is bored with the wife, over his guilt, and ready to resume the affair. How does that make him any less of a SOB, liar, or coward?

[jj33]

Janet its normal to feel that way but trust me its not productive for you. You can only come to a different perspective when you are ready but

 

I would suggest to you that

 

1. Only you know whether he cared. And if you know that you have to hold that in your heart.

 

2. It is a really awful way to treat someone you love, but many MM do that. There is a cowardice in having an affair, an avoidance of conflict and a selfishness and it means that the person isnt necessarily going to be as considerate of your feelings as someone in love might otherwise be.

 

3. Right now you want him to contact you to validate what you had. Trust me that is NOT what you want. If he contacts you while you still feel this way, it is very likely to set you back.

 

You need time to heal and the last thing you need is for him to be contacting you, telling you he misses you, telling you he wishes things were different etc etc etc.

 

All the things you think you want to hear are precisely what will hinder you if he is still allegedly working on his marriage. Hearing from him keeps you stuck much as you think it doesnt.

 

Contact doesnt mean he loves you. Either he loves you or he doesnt. All contact means is that he isnt disciplined enough not to contact you. Many many OWs have had lots and lots of heartfelt contact from the men they were involved with and it didnt change anything. More often than not it sucked the women back in, fanned the flames of hope and let to a vicious cycle of hope and disappointment. Its more time spent on the rollercoaster.

 

If you think he loves you then he does. He may love you til the day he dies. But if he isnt able to offer you more, then he is a better man for keeping those thoughts to himself.