Abusive Family and Moving On.

[loquaciousl]

Hello there,

 

I need some insight here. I will try to make this as brief as possible (wish me luck!)

 

Anyhow, I'm a 31 year old female living in CA. For as long as I can remember I lived in an environment where on the outside it was the Cleaver's but on the inside it was verbally and physically abusive. I remember I couldn't wait to leave the house and go to college. Don't get me wrong, there were "good times" but as a whole things in my opinion didn't get worse until college. Maybe that's when I realized something wasn't right.

 

Let me flash forward to my adult years. For the most part in the last five years it has been acutely apparent to me that the way they've treated me has been inconsistent at best.

 

They are rich. For my 30th birthday they bought me a car. Which is all fine and dandy but with that came conditions. They have always bought me things which is good, but I know going home for Christmas and such I would hear things like:

 

-"You're fat." and "You're an embarrassment to the family," and "Don't come home til you lose weight," and "You smell like a fat person." I'm a size 14/16.

 

-"You're stupid," and "You can't rest on the laurels of being a teacher forever," and "You are simple," and so on and so forth.

 

A few months back my stepbrother and I got into it, because I would tolerate him bullying me and saying mean things to me. I finally blew up at him which was years in coming. This was before Easter. My folks asked me to come to their cabin in the mountains for Easter. I said I didn't know if I would because I can't stand being around my brother. (We're not religious) I get a text from my parents when I declined their invitation:

 

"If you choose not to come up you're choosing to isolate yourself from your family," and "If you're saying you can't be around your brother, then YOU are the one going to be left out," and "Stop feeling sorry for yourself," (I had just lost my job).

 

Mother's Day rolled around....I sent my mom a card and called. The following Wednesday I got the card BACK in the mail, with just my last name on the envelope.

 

WTF? Is what I said. It seems apparent to me that they want nothing to do with me...as a matter of fact my dad sent my sister a letter saying, "As you know, your mother and I wrote your older sister off years ago. Now it appears you and your sister, M (me) are of the same caliber. We are tired of faking being close to you."

 

How do I move on from this? This has royally wacked me out. I am already in therapy.

[TaraMaiden]

here I come, wading in and probably saying things which are both uncharacteristic and harsh, but:

 

Your parents aren't parents.

they're people who procreated and gave life to kids they don't deserve to have.

In my opinion they should have been sterilised a long time ago and been banned from going within 10 miles of kids. They sound like real pieces of work, and if they have the same opinion and effect on your siblings, then I guess I'm right.

Hateful people who don't deserve the title 'parents'.

 

but if they hadn't had kids, we wouldn't have you.

And you're nice.

 

Amazing how something so sweet can come out of something so twisted, bitter and frankly, hateful.

 

Good on you.

Be well, and stay strong.

 

I'll be your mom!!

[KikiW]

"If you choose not to come up you're choosing to isolate yourself from your family," and "If you're saying you can't be around your brother, then YOU are the one going to be left out," and "Stop feeling sorry for yourself," (I had just lost my job).

 

All I am thinking is "like any of those things are BAD???"

 

You ARE choosing to isolate yourself from your family and leaving yourself out - perhaps not a dramatically as they are insinuating, but you are, and from what I have read - GOOD. They aren't supportive of you, they aren't sensitive to your feelings at all, so exactly what kind of people are they? They are toxic to you. So choosing not to be involved in making yourself miserable, you have chosen to keep yourself safe and sane.

 

And feeling sorry for yourself because you lost a job? You're allowed! The economy sucks and it's scary to be out of work. Gah, I can't believe they can't even muster a little bit of sympathy.

 

Dealing with family is so hard, because we are given examples of perfect, loving parents and when ours act contrary to what the "norm" is supposed to be, we are left incredibly hurt and disappointed. And yet we still cling to the hope they will shape up and grasp at any shadow of a good parent they sometimes let out.

 

They will not change, so form your allies with the sibling(s) you can and support each other. Protect yourself during interactions, or begin limiting the interactions all together. Bring a supportive person with you if you can - friend, SO - someone who can gently guide you to the door when your parents get overwhelming so you can exit quickly. Heck, they may shape up in front of someone else so they don't look like @$$holes in front of them.

[loquaciousl]

Thank you both, I would agree with both of your sentiments. And insofar as my isolation at that time, I had just gotten tired of the treatment and was realizing how wrong it was. What led me to not go on that specific trip was because thinking about it was giving me anxiety attacks to the point where I had to pull my car over just to breathe. It has been five months since we've spoken and it has been hard but I feel necessary at the moment. I don't hate them but I realize they will never be what I imagine parents "should" be. I called a month ago because this is just a stupid situation but they refuse to call me back. Which, in retrospect is probably a good idea and a blessing. Thanks again guys.

[nobody's girl]

I come from a similar situation. Only I was told not to go to college because it was a waste of money. We were often taunted to the point of tears and then told "you're too sensitive. You can't take a joke. We're just trying to toughen you up." Even now, at nearly 40, they can still get to me. Last year I got a birthday card from my mother - three months before my birthday. Why? Because, and I quote, I figured I'd send your birthday card when I sent your sisters birthday card so I wouldn't forget. WTF? You can't remember your child's birthday? Pretty sure you were there when it happened.

 

Anyway, it got to the point where just talking to her on the phone would cause me to get physically ill. I finally got to the point where I just couldn't do it anymore. Haven't spoken to my mother in over 3 years. I send her a card on her birthday (and I don't send it early) and one on Mother's Day. The hardest part is finding a card that isn't dripping with loving devotions. I will NOT send a card that says "Mom you're the greatest and I'm so lucky to have you" I spend an hour looking for one that simply says "Happy Mother's Day".

 

I no longer refer to my parents as parents. Because that would indicate parenting - something I feel they never did. Instead they're just "those people" or "those people I lived with." I've often been tempted to tell people I'm an orphan. But I'm pretty sure I can't get my sister to go along with that story.

 

You know what? Isolating myself from my family is probably the best decision I've ever made. I'm so much happier without that toxic presence in my life. Yes, there are people that think I'm horrible for not talking to my mother. But they've never been on the receiving end of her ***** so they have no basis for their criticism.

 

Do not worry about what society dictates. You are under no obligation to stay connected to people who make you feel that way. You have to look out for yourself. You did not chose them as your parents, you were stuck with them. Accept the fact that it will always be this way and do what you have to do to survive. Surround yourself with people who make you happy. You don't have to be related by blood to be family.

[KikiW]

I also wanted to add that my mother had a difficult childhood - the abuse was incredible.

 

Her solution was to declare that she would never let them win. She would never prove them right. She made a success of herself, despite their implications that she wouldn't amount to anything. She did it without them too.

 

These people who are so quick to "write off" their children will have no one left by their side as they grow older. Perhaps they value their money too much to care, so they will simply "pay" for company (whether it's with a money-grubbing relative, or home health aides). Fine, so be it.

 

Make your life all that theirs is not - be in love, express yourself in a caring manner, be warm and inviting to those you care about. And pity them, since they will never understand it.

[quankanne]

I see it like this: If I don't put up with bad behavior/treatment from friends or colleagues, I shouldn't be expected to put up with it from family. It's one thing to love someone, and another to let them walk all over you. And there comes a point when you understand that their toxic "love" is killing you emotionally and spiritually. And that it's okay to distance yourself from it if it means your sanity stays intact.

 

Tara was joking with you about "being your mom," but you know what? I've learned that there are people we encounter in our lifetime who fill a niche a certain way, and I'm pretty sure you're going to meet your surrogate "parents" if you haven't already. Let them heap love on you, and love them in return because they understand what you need. It takes nothing away from what you have with your birth parents, but supplements it as needed.

 

meanwhile, Tara's offer holds for me too – I'll be happy to act as your mother hen

 

hugs,

quank

[loquaciousl]

Thank you so much again everyone, it makes me sad though to realize how messed up people can be. Sometimes it feels like I'm going insane because the things that have been said and done are unfathomable to me. Thanks so much again, all.

[joliegems]

Sometimes its better to stay away for your own mental health. I grew up into a highly dysfunctional family with a verbally and mentally abusive mother.

 

In my mid 20s I knew I had to break off this relationship. It took several years to make a full break but it was the best thing I could have ever done.

 

Don't feel bad, just because they are family you are not obligated to sit around and let them treat you like that.

 

In time you may be able to work out personal boundries and get counseling with them.

 

In my case I couldn't, my mother takes great pleasure in tormenting me.