Would you tell her?!

[RedDevil66]

My BF's cousin who everyone puts on a pedastal and says he's the most amazing husband and father is cheating on his amazing wife.

 

When I first met this cousin, I knew what he was all about since my BF told me he cheated once on his wife when him and my BF went away for a vacation. But meeting him in person, I had the worst vibe from him. All he talked about was how great and rich he was. And spent two hrs showing me all his vacation pics to fiji, hawaii etc with his wife and kids. And talked about how talented his kids are and how much money he makes.

My BF and his family thing he's a king.

I knew he was nothing but a loser.

 

I asked my BF many times if he still cheats on his wife and my BF always defended him and said "No, he's a real family man"

ugh!

I knew it was all bs

 

Then one day, BF's cell rings, Bf is outside, I run to get the phone to give it to him, but I could not see where my BF went.

I saw it was his cousin calling.

My curiosity got the best of me and I clicked on his name and clicked on history and poof, up came many emails between my BF and his cousin

I felt so guilty for looking, but just had to know

I was right, he was telling my boyfriend he got his other woman preggies and was trying to convince her to have an abortion.

He was so cold about it also. Talking about this OW like she was trash

 

I told my BF I snooped and found out and asked why he would defend such disgusting behaviour and WHY on earth he would always bug me to go visit him and stay with him (he lives 2 hrs away). There is no way I can be fake.

My BF admitted this affair was going on for over a year and he set this girl up on her own apartment etc.

 

His wife is beautiful and kind and just such a sweet soul and it kills me that she doesn't know what a loser/pig she's married to.

I probably would never tell her, but I dream of it

 

I would have LOVED if someone had the courage to tell me my ex of 11 yrs had been cheating on me for the last yr of our relationship. It would have save me a STD and many tears.

 

Would you tell?

[Chrome Barracuda]

Hell yeah I would tell. and also I think I'd drop the BF outta my own protection because birds of a feather flock together. if he'll enable his cousin to cheat the same would go for the cousin when your BF needs a side piece.

 

Now do you see why I DONT have compassion for people like this!??

 

Now do you see why I do not be soft with people with weak boundries???

 

Now do YOU understand where I stand on things and why I'm so blunt with people because of crap like this...

 

Your BF is an a-hole and he's gonna do it to you. mark my words... he will.

[GypsyRayne]

I want to say yes that I would tell, but in reality I don't think I would. I would want to. But I have this strange way about me that I wouldn't want to be the one to hurt her. In the end she will get hurt anyway, I'm sure.

 

I have been a MOW and someone did tell my exh, more than once. They would call and tell him things about me and MM. I had such a bad experience that I don't think I would ever risk doing this to anyone else. And I'm talking about MM here. Even though my experience wouldn't happen to most people, it did happen to me and could happen to someone else. I didn't deserve what happened, no one does.

 

Maybe you could get your BF to tell his cousin that he needs to tell W and that if he doesn't then you or BF are going to.

 

This is what my dd's boyfriends friend did for my dd. He called my dd and told her, call your bf and ask him if he has anything to tell you. Tell him if he doesn't you are calling me back because I have something to tell you that you need to know. DD's bf came clean with her.

 

DD was hurt, but I think it was good that she found out and that exbf was the one to tell her.

 

Who knows maybe this will work.

[avenger]

That is tough.....

I think you have to set it up in a way that she will find out without telling her.

And get evidence but give the cheater time to confess first...

Some people who get cheated on to not want to think or deal with their mate who is cheating on them. It would be nice if someone could secretly e-mail her about this......

[freestyle]

There`s no easy, pat answer for this.You are now in the position of "damned if you do, damned if you don`t."

 

It`s a gut-wrenching, stomach-twisting place to be.

 

I`d have a very long, intense heart-to-heart with your bf if I were you.

Find out exactly where he really stands on this issue. He is being complicit, and that would concern me.Are you beginning to have doubts about his moral compass?

 

I don`t share Chrome`s dire outlook in this case. It`s possible that your bf is feeling just as awkward about this situation, and is simply putting his first loyalty to his blood relation...........On the other hand, I don`t like the fact that your bf lied to you until you found the evidence. It`a disconcerting precedent...................................................

 

I do believe the BW has a right to know. I know what you mean about being fake, I don`t think I could do it, I`d end up with an ulcer.

 

Follow your heart, and listen to your own gut.

[RedDevil66]

It says a lot about your BF as a man for what he has done and his support to a cheater.

 

It says a lot aobut you as a woman and a human being for saying nothing especially when you had been on the receiving end of things. If that's how you choose to live your life and be the person you are, then that's your choice. Just remember, you choose to be that person.

 

This post is totally stupid! Won't even justify a decent reply to this!

[RedDevil66]

There`s no easy, pat answer for this.You are now in the position of "damned if you do, damned if you don`t."

 

It`s a gut-wrenching, stomach-twisting place to be.

 

I`d have a very long, intense heart-to-heart with your bf if I were you.

Find out exactly where he really stands on this issue. He is being complicit, and that would concern me.Are you beginning to have doubts about his moral compass?

 

I don`t share Chrome`s dire outlook in this case. It`s possible that your bf is feeling just as awkward about this situation, and is simply putting his first loyalty to his blood relation...........On the other hand, I don`t like the fact that your bf lied to you until you found the evidence. It`a disconcerting precedent...................................................

 

I do believe the BW has a right to know. I know what you mean about being fake, I don`t think I could do it, I`d end up with an ulcer.

 

Follow your heart, and listen to your own gut.

 

I am only now having doubts about my BF due to other issues.

My BF is defending his cousin because he knows I don't like his cousin and doesn't want to hear me say "I told ya so"

 

My Bf and I actually start couples therapy this week and this is one of the issues I want to discuss because his cousin is his "confidant"

I told him I don't like him taking advice about US from this low-life.

But still, they are close

 

There is no way he would ever tell on his cousin. His cousin is a like a brother and as any man here will tell ya, bros don't call out bros.

 

I think she does have a right to know, and if I were to do it, it would be by a fake email.

 

These people are not close to me at all, but just ticks me off that his cousin is doing this.

 

I had a best friend who I knew for 30 yrs and 4 yrs ago, by totally fluke I found out she was cheating on her BF who was seriously, the sweetest person I ever met.

I contemplated for weeks what I was going to do and avoided her and her BF the entire time

At the time, I had just met the BF I am with now and he told me I should tell. My friends told me I needed to tell, so I called him up and told him.

I lost my friend of 30 yrs, but she was a total pyscho on how she was cheating on him.

He thanked me, left her and went on to marry the most amazing woman.

[seren]

If you tell then I imagine your BF will be more than a little peed off with you as it will affect his relationship with his cousin, it will affect your future relationship with her as the dynamics of the relationship will change. So telling has real consequences. Not telling may not have the fallout and realtime consequences but will eat away at you.

I would tell cousin that I know - my brother in law had a 4 year meet for sex fling and I let my H (his brother) know that if BIL didn't tell his wife then I would. You cannot force someone to behave the way you want them to and it maybe that it raises a whole lot of hell that is placed at your door, not justified of course but things rarely play out the way we want them to. What does your BF think you should do? it's weird but if someone was burgled and we knew who had done it most of us would tell, but damaging someone's heart just doesn't provoke the same response (crap analogy but hope you get my drift)

[eeyore1981]

If you tell, you are probably going to suffer a lot of fallout. It doesn't seem right, but that's how it is.

 

My advice is to take a step back and examine what you have to lose vs. what you have to gain by telling.

 

It's kind of disgusting to be in a position like this, where it feels like if you keep your mouth shut you are condoning the behavior, but you really shouldn't turn your whole life upside down because you came across information like this which has nothing to do with you.

 

Good luck.

[Trialbyfire]

There isn't much you can do about family or friends, when it comes to your b/f. Any attempts to divide him from family, will usually backfire. I think your idea of bringing it up during therapy is a good one, in that you can express how it affects your view on your b/f. It might also bring out what he honestly values in life, bringing to the surface his core beliefs in relationships.

 

I feel so bad for the wife. What an arsehole this cousin is.

[bentnotbroken]

Yes, I would tell. Yes, I have told. Yes, I would tell again.

[dieselcat]

You have walked into a group of players. Don't waste the money on counseling with this guy. He lied right to your face without hesitation. That speaks volumes.

 

The cousin got a girl pregnant! Is he a total moron. Has he never heard of birth control? Your bf hooked him up with a place? Girl, you are gonna be in the wife's shoes one day if you don't' get out. Get out and after you are gone you can find a way to let the wife know.

[GorillaTheater]

Yeah, sure I'd tell.

[looking4 green grass]

This would be one of those, I'd find a way to get those emails, print them off, and they would magically appear out of thin air to his wife. I have no idea how it can be done, but I'd find a way.

[RedDevil66]

If you tell, you are probably going to suffer a lot of fallout. It doesn't seem right, but that's how it is.

 

My advice is to take a step back and examine what you have to lose vs. what you have to gain by telling.

 

It's kind of disgusting to be in a position like this, where it feels like if you keep your mouth shut you are condoning the behavior, but you really shouldn't turn your whole life upside down because you came across information like this which has nothing to do with you.

 

Good luck.

 

Hi, thanks for the kind words.

IF (and that is if) I tell, no one would know it came from me.

I certainly would not turn my life upside town over this.

 

This is why I cannot even be around his cousin. Just would rather not surroud myself with scum

[RedDevil66]

There isn't much you can do about family or friends, when it comes to your b/f. Any attempts to divide him from family, will usually backfire. I think your idea of bringing it up during therapy is a good one, in that you can express how it affects your view on your b/f. It might also bring out what he honestly values in life, bringing to the surface his core beliefs in relationships.

 

I feel so bad for the wife. What an arsehole this cousin is.

 

I would not even think about making any moves to divide him and his cousin.

They both has tough childhoods,were both adopted and will stick by one another no matter what

Therapy is going to be interesting for sure.......

 

thanks

[RedDevil66]

You have walked into a group of players. Don't waste the money on counseling with this guy. He lied right to your face without hesitation. That speaks volumes.

 

The cousin got a girl pregnant! Is he a total moron. Has he never heard of birth control? Your bf hooked him up with a place? Girl, you are gonna be in the wife's shoes one day if you don't' get out. Get out and after you are gone you can find a way to let the wife know.

 

oh my god, this is such sound advice, thanks so much!

 

My BF and his cousin live 2 hrs away from each other and these men are both in their mid 40's, not some young stupid f&cks setting up each other to get women preggies!

 

His lying to my face speaks voulmes for his commitment to his best friend/cousin.

 

My Bf is "fixed" and I'm not ever getting married so no worries for me being her shoes.

But really, thanks for your concern

 

Keep on giving this sound advice!

[mnm]

I would tell. Even if it anaymous (sorry can't spell today). That would be the best way. I wish someone would have told me. People knew, but kept their mouths shut. I felt betrayed by them. They were family members and friends. Do it and see what happens. Chances are she probably has an idea something is going on.

[misternoname]

I faced the exact same dillema. My best friend's wife was having an affair and I knew about it. Several weeks after I found out I decided to try and tell him "subtly" but he just wasn't catching on. I finally set him down and told him what I knew sparing the details. Needless to say it caused a maelstrom of sh*t. She denied everything, made me look like an ass but after a little detective work he came to realize that I was right. It took months of them going back and forth but they eventually resolved the issue. She to this day still denies that it was anything more than a "friendship" but my buddy knows better. From what I gather the affair is over. Her and I are friends again but the lingering resentment is still out there.

 

Would I do it again? Yes. Only because as a close friend I felt like I would want the same in return. If years down the road I discovered that my SO was having an affair AND my best friend knew about it but didn't share the knowledge with me I would no longer trust him nor want to be his friend so I guess in the end it was the right thing to do. But be prepared for the aftermath. People love to "shoot" the messenger.

[confusedinkansas]

First of all.....Unless you live with someone ALL the time, you don't know for sure if they are "The Sweetest Person EVER"...."Best Dad or Husband ever".... Let's all be grown ups & know that there are 2 SIDES to every story.

 

& second - Why is it so important for some people to stick their noses in business that does not concern them, has nothing to do with them, or is not ABOUT them?? I will never understand that.

[2sure]

Your BF obviously puts a whole lot into the guy code of covering up each others cheating. Scarier yet is that he is able to sincerely think of his cousin as a "real family man" while at the same time knowing the guy has another girl, another apartment, and soon - another family. He is OK with this, until you tell him you know. Yep.

 

Yes, you should tell her. In anyway you feel most comfortable.

[confusedinkansas]

The people who give you the and say to "keep your nose out of others' business" are usually cheaters.

 

Has nothing to do with being a cheater or not being one. Has everything to do with....Why are there so many people that think it is their duty to butt into other's business? Period.

 

For any reason.....cheating or otherwise.

 

Those people are usually just "pot-stirrers" anyway - Anything to keep gossip going. Whether it be truthful or not.

[bentnotbroken]

Has nothing to do with being a cheater or not being one. Has everything to do with....Why are there so many people that think it is their duty to butt into other's business? Period.

 

For any reason.....cheating or otherwise.

 

Those people are usually just "pot-stirrers" anyway - Anything to keep gossip going. Whether it be truthful or not.

 

 

Where I come from it's call community. Those people would also be the first to butt in to get food for those without but too proud to say so. Those were the first people to raise money to help pay a bill or bury the dead. They would be the first to butt in case of fire, flood or tornado. They believed in butting into to save others from whatever pain they could spare them..... I pray people continue to butt into my life, especially when they have my( and my children's) well being at heart. But not everyone can or should belong in that lifestyle. It requires putting someone else before one's self.

[seibert253]

My BF's cousin who everyone puts on a pedastal and says he's the most amazing husband and father is cheating on his amazing wife.

 

When I first met this cousin, I knew what he was all about since my BF told me he cheated once on his wife when him and my BF went away for a vacation. But meeting him in person, I had the worst vibe from him. All he talked about was how great and rich he was. And spent two hrs showing me all his vacation pics to fiji, hawaii etc with his wife and kids. And talked about how talented his kids are and how much money he makes.

My BF and his family thing he's a king.

I knew he was nothing but a loser.

 

I asked my BF many times if he still cheats on his wife and my BF always defended him and said "No, he's a real family man"

ugh!

I knew it was all bs

 

Then one day, BF's cell rings, Bf is outside, I run to get the phone to give it to him, but I could not see where my BF went.

I saw it was his cousin calling.

My curiosity got the best of me and I clicked on his name and clicked on history and poof, up came many emails between my BF and his cousin

I felt so guilty for looking, but just had to know

I was right, he was telling my boyfriend he got his other woman preggies and was trying to convince her to have an abortion.

He was so cold about it also. Talking about this OW like she was trash

 

I told my BF I snooped and found out and asked why he would defend such disgusting behaviour and WHY on earth he would always bug me to go visit him and stay with him (he lives 2 hrs away). There is no way I can be fake.

My BF admitted this affair was going on for over a year and he set this girl up on her own apartment etc.

 

His wife is beautiful and kind and just such a sweet soul and it kills me that she doesn't know what a loser/pig she's married to.

I probably would never tell her, but I dream of it

 

I would have LOVED if someone had the courage to tell me my ex of 11 yrs had been cheating on me for the last yr of our relationship. It would have save me a STD and many tears.

 

Would you tell?

 

ABSOLUTELY. I'd be on the phone right now.

[confusedinkansas]

Where I come from it's call community. Those people would also be the first to butt in to get food for those without but too proud to say so. Those were the first people to raise money to help pay a bill or bury the dead. They would be the first to butt in case of fire, flood or tornado. They believed in butting into to save others from whatever pain they could spare them..... I pray people continue to butt into my life, especially when they have my( and my children's) well being at heart. But not everyone can or should belong in that lifestyle. It requires putting someone else before one's self.

 

That's totally a different scenario. They didn't ask if you'd help (butt in) if there was flood, tornado, etc etc etc.

 

This is nothing but gossip. Butting into others marriages when they don't involve you.

 

If a marriage looks like a GREAT one from the outside....doesn't mean a thing when you're on the inside. How do you know for sure this GUY is what everyone ASSUMES he is.......They don't know.

 

There are 2 sides to every story. Just because on the outside the four walls of his home he seems to be Joe Nice Guy....Does not mean that he treats his wife as such.

 

Whereas....the guy that looks like a total ass outside the four walls may treat his wife like a princess. Get my point?

 

Therefore, by sticking your nose where it doesn't concern you - to me is just gossip & butting into others business - If more people would mind their own marriages & quit worrying about others - More marriages might survive.