Wife says she doesn't love me "that way" any more

[etrain1234]

We had a nice, long discussion tonight. Turns out I was right & she stopped taking the meds because she didn't think she needed them & didn't want to be medicated for the rest of her life.

I think I got my point across about her depression & the effect it has on our marriage...the fact that one might be causing the other. She finally started to "kind of" get what I was saying.

 

I told her that I was 100% commited to trying MC or whatever else it takes to get our M back on track...but that she needed to show the same committment. She did agree to MC...not enthusiastically but she agreed.

She's worried we'll go through all of the MC but her feelings won't change. I told her that very well could happen but we won't know unless we try. I'm hoping the MC will also address her depression.

 

I also flat out asked her if she is having an affair. I told her that the "don't love you that way" line is one of the classic red flags of a cheating spouse. Of course, she said she wasn't. I'd expect that either way. She did say that she had "friends" she sometimes talked to about our relationship...both female & male...because one of the main problems is that she didn't feel comfortable confiding in me. That's probably another red flag. I'm sure one of you will tell me if it is.

I probed a bit further about who the male friend(s) might be but all she said is that he's married...like that matters. I still don't think she's having an affair but I'm probably more suspicious now than I was before. Keylogger...here I come!

 

All in all, I think our talk went well. I was certainly a lot stronger than I was last weekend when she dropped the "don't love you" bombshell on me. I was calm, direct, & did most of the talking this time.

I'll be calling my empolyer's Employee Assistance Program to get set up with a MC tomorrow. Hopefully it's not the same hack we saw last time.

[seibert253]

We had a nice, long discussion tonight. Turns out I was right & she stopped taking the meds because she didn't think she needed them & didn't want to be medicated for the rest of her life.

I think I got my point across about her depression & the effect it has on our marriage...the fact that one might be causing the other. She finally started to "kind of" get what I was saying.

 

I told her that I was 100% commited to trying MC or whatever else it takes to get our M back on track...but that she needed to show the same committment. She did agree to MC...not enthusiastically but she agreed.

She's worried we'll go through all of the MC but her feelings won't change. I told her that very well could happen but we won't know unless we try. I'm hoping the MC will also address her depression.

 

I also flat out asked her if she is having an affair. I told her that the "don't love you that way" line is one of the classic red flags of a cheating spouse. Of course, she said she wasn't. I'd expect that either way. She did say that she had "friends" she sometimes talked to about our relationship...both female & male...because one of the main problems is that she didn't feel comfortable confiding in me. That's probably another red flag. I'm sure one of you will tell me if it is.

I probed a bit further about who the male friend(s) might be but all she said is that he's married...like that matters. I still don't think she's having an affair but I'm probably more suspicious now than I was before. Keylogger...here I come!

 

All in all, I think our talk went well. I was certainly a lot stronger than I was last weekend when she dropped the "don't love you" bombshell on me. I was calm, direct, & did most of the talking this time.

I'll be calling my empolyer's Employee Assistance Program to get set up with a MC tomorrow. Hopefully it's not the same hack we saw last time.

'

 

Stick in there E. If there's no OM here, I think you're well on you way to a recovered marriage. Hang tough, be strong, and be patient. She needs to heal, before your marriage can heal.

[etrain1234]

She might be having a full blown affair yet, but it seems that she is having an emotional affair. Talking to the opposite sex about your marriage will almost always lead to an affair, unless the opposite sex is a blood related family member such as brother or father.

 

I hear you. I'm not discounting anything. I even brought up the notion of emotional affairs & that an affair doesn't necessarily mean sex.

I don't think she quite understood the concept but I tried my best to explain.

I'll be "investigating" the crap out of her cell phone & looking for our last statement as soon as I log off here.

[mem11363]

If my wife told me she was talking to a male co-worker about stuff that she didn't feel comfortable talking to me about I would ask her firmly to show enough faith/trust/love in me to now tell ME what she has already told this other male. Actually I would insist that she tell me as a first step towards improving the marriage.

 

If she has been telling him that she only likes you as a "friend" it would be very interesting if she will be honest with you regarding his reaction. Has he talked about "his" marriage to her? If so, is he telling "her" he is unhapy? Because if so, they are both inching closer and closer to turning this into a physical thing.

 

I think the other guys gave you good advice. When you speak to her, hard as it is, you need to focus on HER level of commitment to the marriage. You should keep comments on your commitment to a bare minimum. Because anything more then that will make you look - you guessed it - WEAK. Which is the ultimate turn off for any woman.

 

A necessary key to this whole situation is that she perceive you as strong and worthy of respect and love. So you can acknowledge pain, just don't dwell on it.

"Of course that hurt me, I also realize that focusing on the pain is not constructive, lets talk about what we need to "DO"".

 

Focused, calm male problem solving is attractive. And if you say things like "I cannot bare the thought of not seeing "name of child" every day" you are going to look "weak". I know this is really, really hard and I feel for you.

 

The couple times my wife and I have escalated fights to the point of threatening the big D I felt physically sick inside. However, the better you mask that, the healthier your marriage will become. Eventually, when you are on really solid footing you can go back to being open/honest about how you feel. But right now any shows of weakness will likely hurt your chances of repair....

 

And certain questions are not only fair, they are necessary. I would ask "Are you totally committed to trying to fix our broken marriage"?

 

And if she seems non-commital I think it is important for you to have already thought through how you are going to react. You do not want to have a spontaneous reaction to her response.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I hear you. I'm not discounting anything. I even brought up the notion of emotional affairs & that an affair doesn't necessarily mean sex.

I don't think she quite understood the concept but I tried my best to explain.

I'll be "investigating" the crap out of her cell phone & looking for our last statement as soon as I log off here.

[etrain1234]

I felt so guilty doing it but I installed a keylogger last night & it's already paying off. Thankfully, it's not quite what I expected. I suspected the "emotional friend" might be a male co-worker of hers who she recently befriended. I sort of know him from the time I worked at the same place.

Turns out she has actually been confiding in his wife thru Facebook.

Read some IM's and some of it is kind of shocking. She's blaming me for everything & saying it's always been all about me. Saying she needs passion & fire...spontaneous sex...adventure...etc. I can't even get the woman to make eye contact with me, let alone have wild, passionate sex.

 

P is pretty much saying I'm boring & selfish. Then she listed some things she wants in her life that looked like something out of a fairy tale.

P actually mocked me for going on about how I think the depression & our marital problems are linked. "Don't need treatment..don't want."

Saying I've been driving her nuts this week by following her around the house & helping with household chores. I mean, she's been complaining about me not helping out & now complaining that I am.

I'm very bitter right now after reading some of that stuff. I know a lot of W's talk badly about their H's to their friends but it's hard to swallow when you read it word for word.

 

I'm still going to call the MC today. I'm relieved that there wasn't any evidence of an affair on her FB...but today is still going to be a difficult day.

[mem11363]

Men ask "what can I do to improve our marriage"? Women reply:

"Be more helpful around the house". This is the first step in your and she being partners in turning YOU into an anxious, desperate doormat.

 

I DON'T mean you should not be helpful. I am very helpful around the house. But the lack of you being helpful has NOTHING to do with the problem. So when you start vacuuming, all you earn is your wife's contempt because you "believed" her when she was not being honest AND because you are now trying to earn praise/sexual attraction.

 

Imagine when you were dating. What would have happened if you had tried to "impress" your future wife with your vacuuming/squeeging technique. Hmmmm

 

 

 

 

 

I felt so guilty doing it but I installed a keylogger last night & it's already paying off. Thankfully, it's not quite what I expected. I suspected the "emotional friend" might be a male co-worker of hers who she recently befriended. I sort of know him from the time I worked at the same place.

Turns out she has actually been confiding in his wife thru Facebook.

Read some IM's and some of it is kind of shocking. She's blaming me for everything & saying it's always been all about me. Saying she needs passion & fire...spontaneous sex...adventure...etc. I can't even get the woman to make eye contact with me, let alone have wild, passionate sex.

 

P is pretty much saying I'm boring & selfish. Then she listed some things she wants in her life that looked like something out of a fairy tale.

P actually mocked me for going on about how I think the depression & our marital problems are linked. "Don't need treatment..don't want."

Saying I've been driving her nuts this week by following her around the house & helping with household chores. I mean, she's been complaining about me not helping out & now complaining that I am.

I'm very bitter right now after reading some of that stuff. I know a lot of W's talk badly about their H's to their friends but it's hard to swallow when you read it word for word.

 

I'm still going to call the MC today. I'm relieved that there wasn't any evidence of an affair on her FB...but today is still going to be a difficult day.

[Thaddeus]

P is pretty much saying I'm boring & selfish. Then she listed some things she wants in her life that looked like something out of a fairy tale.

P actually mocked me for going on about how I think the depression & our marital problems are linked. "Don't need treatment..don't want."

Saying I've been driving her nuts this week by following her around the house & helping with household chores. I mean, she's been complaining about me not helping out & now complaining that I am.

I'm very bitter right now after reading some of that stuff. I know a lot of W's talk badly about their H's to their friends but it's hard to swallow when you read it word for word.

It's extremely common for women to get together (either in person or virtually) and complain about their men. I worked as the only man in a department with about a dozen other women at one time and the stuff they'd share with each other about their husbands/boyfriends was truly, truly awful.

 

Now, I don't know how much of it was true - it could be that each woman was trying to out-do the other (women are, after all, more competitive with each other than two male rhinos fighting over a female in heat).

 

But the point is that the amount of disrespect that was spewed bordered on pathological. Misandry is alive and well.

 

Etrain, frankly I don't really see a way out. You ask her what she wants, she tells you, then she slams you behind your back for doing exactly what she asked. (Like, WTF is that? )

 

Have you seen a lawyer/financial advisor yet?

[etrain1234]

Yeah, I'm starting to realize that a lot of what she says to me is bull****. Wanting me to help around the house...then criticizing me for it behind my back.

Having no sexual desire & showing no interest in being affectionate with me...then IM'ing her girlfriend about how she wants hot, passionate, spontaneous sex in our relationship.

 

Also found out that her best friend who I confided in immediately told my W about our conversation, even though she promised not to. I guess I should've expected that but I don't appreciate my W saying I called her friend "begging her to help me get her back." Bull****.

 

I honestly don't know what the hell she wants. She'll say/act one way to me...then IM her friends the complete opposite...bashing me in the process.

So far I'm lazy, boring, a bad kisser, selfish, bad in bed, & I never complement her..I'm probably forgetting some.

 

I hope I make it our MC next Tuesday without freaking the hell out first. I'll be out this evening...I'm sure she'll be online bashing me to her friends while I'm gone.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Men ask "what can I do to improve our marriage"? Women reply:

"Be more helpful around the house". This is the first step in your and she being partners in turning YOU into an anxious, desperate doormat.

 

I DON'T mean you should not be helpful. I am very helpful around the house. But the lack of you being helpful has NOTHING to do with the problem. So when you start vacuuming, all you earn is your wife's contempt because you "believed" her when she was not being honest AND because you are now trying to earn praise/sexual attraction.

 

Imagine when you were dating. What would have happened if you had tried to "impress" your future wife with your vacuuming/squeeging technique. Hmmmm

 

Again I don't agree with what you say, but there is certainly a shred of truth in the "doormat" comment.

 

This thread is not about lack of sex (or at least not in what the OP has written). It is about a spouse stating the marriage is falling apart and not saying a damn thing or doing anything....

 

Not surprised if you see my post where I expected she has the "fairy tale" expectations of the marriage and wants to take no reponsibility in the marriage. Just the old "he is not doing, this that or meeting my needs".

 

Shall I guess you are not the prince charming, smart or successful enough? Every argument, disagreement, misunderstanding is your fault? Maybe it is, as I don't know you at all...... Maybe you are 56,60,70 or 90% to blame. Everything she says maybe right. But does she ever look in the mirror and take responsibility for anything?

[carhill]

I'll be out this evening...I'm sure she'll be online bashing me to her friends while I'm gone.

 

But does she ever look in the mirror and take responsibility for anything?

 

IMO, the most important thing to remember OP is that it is not your responsibility to create that elusive environment to placate the beast. You be yourself, who you believe your healthy self to be, and share that. If she's not satisfied and sharing herself mutually, adios. Don't sacrifice yourself at the altar of a woman. Her parts just ain't that important in life

[GorillaTheater]

I've never been in the situation of feeling like a keylogger was necessary, but I see the blessing and curse aspects to it. The blessing is that you know what they think and are saying to others. And, of course, the curse is that you know what they think and are saying to others.

 

I'm sorry, this must be a very bitter pill to swallow. I honestly don't think I could get past that degree of disrespect and apparent contempt.

[etrain1234]

Not surprised if you see my post where I expected she has the "fairy tale" expectations of the marriage and wants to take no reponsibility in the marriage. Just the old "he is not doing, this that or meeting my needs".

 

Shall I guess you are not the prince charming, smart or successful enough? Every argument, disagreement, misunderstanding is your fault? Maybe it is, as I don't know you at all...... Maybe you are 56,60,70 or 90% to blame. Everything she says maybe right. But does she ever look in the mirror and take responsibility for anything?

 

Holy crap did you hit the nail on the head. Her list of expectations are straight out of a fairy tale.

Want the fire burning inside me...to have deep conversations about our dreams...passion in the bedroom...encouraging me to live my dreams...someone crazy & adventurous..spontaneous...intelligent..helps with chores...thinks I'm beautiful...is very complementary.

That's the list she IM'd her friend like 2 days ago.

 

And it's my fault that I'm not the Disney character she wants 365 days a year. Yet P NEVER initiates anything...never even considers my needs...never complemented me about anything EVER. It's hard to be passionate & complementary when I'm constantly getting the "I can't stand you" vibe from my W.

[hopesndreams]

I'm sure she'll be online bashing me to her friends while I'm gone.

 

Don't put it past a woman to be chummy with the W of the MM she desires. After all, it is a competition and it's helpful to know who you are competing against in order to win the big prize.

 

The keylogger is great and even though it hurts tremendously to hear those things about yourself, you seem to have a good head on your shoulders. I think you will get your answer soon on who she is having feelings for and what she plans on doing with them. Or, the OM is also busy and she'll chatting with his W again.

 

Have you went through all her belongings yet? It's shocking what can turn up, take it from someone who knows.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Holy crap did you hit the nail on the head. Her list of expectations are straight out of a fairy tale.

Want the fire burning inside me...to have deep conversations about our dreams...passion in the bedroom...encouraging me to live my dreams...someone crazy & adventurous..spontaneous...intelligent..helps with chores...thinks I'm beautiful...is very complementary.

That's the list she IM'd her friend like 2 days ago.

 

And it's my fault that I'm not the Disney character she wants 365 days a year. Yet P NEVER initiates anything...never even considers my needs...never complemented me about anything EVER. It's hard to be passionate & complementary when I'm constantly getting the "I can't stand you" vibe from my W.

 

 

What dreams???? Winning a lottery, having no responsibility, living in a mansion, vacations on the Riviera???? We I hope want to be happy in our lives, successful at what we do, have good friends and family, be honest and fair with others.

 

I'm incredibly lucky, when I read this site, as my spouse is grounded and while not perfect, certainly way way better then most. She actually hates surprises and spontaneous gestures for the most part (sometimes I don't like it, but certainly better then the other extreme).

 

Yes, you probably have been partially to blame, but as said, the vibe is there and I bet she never did any of those things that she expects of you. If you are a terrible kisser, did she say anything ever? An inconsiderate/passionless lover? Has she ever ripped your clothes off and wanted it all night and told you so?

 

These are rhetorical questions...... We know the answers.

[etrain1234]

I've never been in the situation of feeling like a keylogger was necessary, but I see the blessing and curse aspects to it. The blessing is that you know what they think and are saying to others. And, of course, the curse is that you know what they think and are saying to others.

 

I'm sorry, this must be a very bitter pill to swallow. I honestly don't think I could get past that degree of disrespect and apparent contempt.

 

Life my W's friend advising her to try imagining I'm someone else when we're intimate? And my W following up a couple days later by saying she tried it?

Talk about cruel.

[GorillaTheater]

Life my W's friend advising her to try imagining I'm someone else when we're intimate? And my W following up a couple days later by saying she tried it?

Talk about cruel.

 

Very cruel.

 

It's time to come up with a plan. What are your thoughts on how to deal with this? I don't mean this rhetorically. I think I know what I'd do, but what are you going to do?

[etrain1234]

Very cruel.

It's time to come up with a plan. What are your thoughts on how to deal with this? I don't mean this rhetorically. I think I know what I'd do, but what are you going to do?

 

Well, I can't very well bring up anything I found out via the keylogger. I'm sure it would be all over if she found out I was "snooping".

 

We had our talk last night where I layed it all on the line by expressing my feelings & expectations if our M is going to work...and she still bashed me in her IM this morning. From what I read, I think it could be a case of her & her friend having a "my H is the bigger a-hole" contest.

 

I'm contemplating making a bold move after work...maybe surprise her with a passionate (let's go upstairs) type kiss to see her reaction. She's looking for spontaneous, wild sex, right? If she goes for it, I will imagine that she is Shakira the entire time.

 

Beyond that, I will stay the course. Keep trying to better myself & get my own life together. I'm already planning a guys night out with one of my buddies this weekend.

And we have our first MC session next Tuesday so we'll see how that goes. I wish I had a better answer.

 

What would you do, GT?

[etrain1234]

Shakira? That's a married woman. Try Rachel McAdams.

 

That'll work!

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Good luck, but I'll bet you she'll give you the weird look and ask "what is wrong with you, I just want to unwind and I have laundry/cooking to do?:rolleyes:".

 

Come on are you telling me you've never tried something like that before? I often say "let's have sex" or try to romance and be assertive at unusual times..... To use a baseball term, my batting average is awfully low in those circumstances.

 

This is the old "What I want if my life was a romance novel", but heck if I have any responsibility to help make it happen....

[Mr. Lucky]

Life my W's friend advising her to try imagining I'm someone else when we're intimate? And my W following up a couple days later by saying she tried it?

Talk about cruel.

I'm going to chime in slightly on the other side here and say that there is some danger is reading too much into your spouse's obviously unfiltered - and exaggerated for effect - thoughts. Think of how uncivil, profane and inappropriate some of your own private musings might be and imagine them laid out for a spouse to see. Take it with a grain of salt...

 

Mr. Lucky

[etrain1234]

Good luck, but I'll bet you she'll give you the weird look and ask "what is wrong with you, I just want to unwind and I have laundry/cooking to do?:rolleyes:".

 

Come on are you telling me you've never tried something like that before? I often say "let's have sex" or try to romance and be assertive at unusual times..... To use a baseball term, my batting average is awfully low in those circumstances.

 

This is the old "What I want if my life was a romance novel", but heck if I have any responsibility to help make it happen....

 

Bingo! I'm pretty sure all I'll get is a strange, disgusted look if I lay one on her like that.

Like you, I always initiate...often in "different", "exciting", "dreamy" places... and get shot down nearly every time. It's on my W's wish list but I'll be damned if I remember her EVER initiating something like that...or reacting well when I did.

It's as if she'd like to see herself as an adventurous, spontaneous, passionate person because all that sounds exciting. But she never does a darned thing to help make any of that happen & rejects me when I try.

 

I better stop. I'm starting to become bitter.

[etrain1234]

I'm going to chime in slightly on the other side here and say that there is some danger is reading too much into your spouse's obviously unfiltered - and exaggerated for effect - thoughts. Think of how uncivil, profane and inappropriate some of your own private musings might be and imagine them laid out for a spouse to see. Take it with a grain of salt...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Point taken. I had thought of that. If she read some of the things I've posted in here, I'm sure she'd be upset.

 

Thanks.

[mem11363]

Do you think your wife really wants to make your marriage work? Do you think she is willing to put effort into it? Serious, hard work lies ahead for BOTH of you.

 

 

Point taken. I had thought of that. If she read some of the things I've posted in here, I'm sure she'd be upset.

 

Thanks.

[etrain1234]

Do you think your wife really wants to make your marriage work? Do you think she is willing to put effort into it? Serious, hard work lies ahead for BOTH of you.

 

That's the part I'm not sure about. Is she willing to give the effort it will take.

It doesn't help that the FB friend she's confiding in (who I've met a grand total of 1 time) is telling my W that she doesn't think I can become the man my W needs....like she knows anything about me at all.

God. Who does something like that? My W is getting horrible advice from this woman.

[Chrome Barracuda]

That's the part I'm not sure about. Is she willing to give the effort it will take.

It doesn't help that the FB friend she's confiding in (who I've met a grand total of 1 time) is telling my W that she doesn't think I can become the man my W needs....like she knows anything about me at all.

God. Who does something like that? My W is getting horrible advice from this woman.

 

Misery loves company and this woman is no friend of the marriage. She is leading your wife astray by placing all these little fantasy thoughts in her head...

 

Some people just dont know when they are being manipulated...

 

You need to put a stop to it. Either you end it now or it's gonna get worse. and your marriage will end anyways!