Wife says she doesn't love me "that way" any more

[mem11363]

Women seem to suffer from this frequently. The belief that this amazing - way better then their current spouse - guy is "right around the corner". Really sucks.

 

Believe it or not a big part of your wife's assessment of you as a person comes from how you carry yourself - sorry don't mean to belabor the obvious but you are really upset right now - when I am upset sometimes I forget obvious things.

 

So if you withdraw now, and start focusing on you and what will help you with this relationship or the next. Start running every day, or lifting or both. Focus on things that make you feel confident and make you a happy positive person to be around.

 

If you do that, your wife may start to wonder if maybe she is making a HUGE mistake. If however you chase her, and act like you somehow have to do stuff to "earn" her love, you are lost. Because she already has a screwed up superiority complex. This will feed it.

 

 

 

 

 

That's the part I'm not sure about. Is she willing to give the effort it will take.

It doesn't help that the FB friend she's confiding in (who I've met a grand total of 1 time) is telling my W that she doesn't think I can become the man my W needs....like she knows anything about me at all.

God. Who does something like that? My W is getting horrible advice from this woman.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Women seem to suffer from this frequently. The belief that this amazing - way better then their current spouse - guy is "right around the corner". Really sucks.

 

Believe it or not a big part of your wife's assessment of you as a person comes from how you carry yourself - sorry don't mean to belabor the obvious but you are really upset right now - when I am upset sometimes I forget obvious things.

 

So if you withdraw now, and start focusing on you and what will help you with this relationship or the next. Start running every day, or lifting or both. Focus on things that make you feel confident and make you a happy positive person to be around.

 

If you do that, your wife may start to wonder if maybe she is making a HUGE mistake. If however you chase her, and act like you somehow have to do stuff to "earn" her love, you are lost. Because she already has a screwed up superiority complex. This will feed it.

 

Now this I agree with. Make positive changes in "Your" Life. This can mean helping more around the house, but it most importantly means not being a doormat.

 

My wife wants to do everything around the house (somewhat ocd), but I do it at an 8.5 (opposed to her 10) and in one third the time and usually when she is not around to watch. Makes my life better and happier, without feeling immasculated.

 

Thing is I do this because, yes she is a somewhat better mood. However I am not a doormat when I do it.

 

Be confident around her and don't beg. I agree run lift weights, get out and do things you enjoy (not out drinking with the guys all night), make time for yourself.

[etrain1234]

Misery loves company and this woman is no friend of the marriage. She is leading your wife astray by placing all these little fantasy thoughts in her head...

 

Some people just dont know when they are being manipulated...

 

You need to put a stop to it. Either you end it now or it's gonna get worse. and your marriage will end anyways!

 

Yeah, I still can't get over this meddling FB "friend" of hers. My W actually sent her an IM that didn't bash me at all, but mentioned I was going to call a MC to set up an appt.

The "friend"'s response: Are you going to go? It kind of seems that you have made up your mind. I don't think he can turn into the man that you need."

WTF? This woman has met me ONCE.

She's also telling my W how bad anti-depression meds are...that they do make you feel numb...glad you can funtion w/o them...feeding into my W's belief that her depression has nothing to do with our M problems.

On the positive side, my W did not respond to this part of the "friend"'s IM. She kind of changed the subject.

 

Now how do I put a stop to this? "P, I've been spying on you & reading your private IM's. This "friend" of yours is giving you some horrible advice & filling your head with nonsense that will kill our M."

[etrain1234]

@ mem & Toodamn...Great advice. I've already started taking care of ME. No more taking my stressful job home with me. I'm focusing on what makes ME happy and being a more positive person. Over the weekend, I cleaned up and organized the workout area & equipment in our basement..which had been gathering dust for the past couple years. So I'm working out again.

 

I am helping out around the house more...but I'm not acting as her "house-boy". Just lending a hand...which I think is fair.

I am definitely being confident and positive around her. I reserve all my venting for this place.

[Thaddeus]

@ mem & Toodamn...Great advice. I've already started taking care of ME. No more taking my stressful job home with me. I'm focusing on what makes ME happy and being a more positive person. Over the weekend, I cleaned up and organized the workout area & equipment in our basement..which had been gathering dust for the past couple years. So I'm working out again.

 

I am helping out around the house more...but I'm not acting as her "house-boy". Just lending a hand...which I think is fair.

I am definitely being confident and positive around her. I reserve all my venting for this place.

I think this is excellent. Doing those things around the house simply because they need doing, rather than hoping to get some appreciation or approval from your wife, is exactly right.

 

As for how to break it to your wife that you've been reading her messages, I wouldn't go there, at least not yet. Just keep doing what you've been doing - being a better man - and let the chips fall where they may.

 

No matter what happens, you can handle it.

[etrain1234]

I'm contemplating making a bold move after work...maybe surprise her with a passionate (let's go upstairs) type kiss to see her reaction. She's looking for spontaneous, wild sex, right? If she goes for it, I will imagine that she is Shakira the entire time.

 

Oh, and to follow up on this. I didn't really have an opportunity to lay one on her last night. We were very busy trying to get dinner ready, then I went out to play some b-ball with friends. There just wasn't time.

But, I did make a couple flirtatous remarks & my W smiled. Then I gave her some playful, affectionate kisses as I was getting ready to leave for b-ball. She did seem caught off guard by it but she smiled and jokingly said, "Now behave.". A start?...maybe.

 

One thing I've noticed ...almost every time I try to get close to her physically (hugging, putting my arm around her in bed), she suddenly comes down with a stomach ache. Now I know it's her way of saying "back off", but c'mon. It's not like I'm trying to get laid when I do these things. I'm trying to be affectionate...something she says she wants.

 

I'm sure she'll claim that she doesn't reciprocate because she doesn't feel that "spark". I can almost picture her saying those words...or IM'ing them to her FB friend. But if you say you want affection...but run to the bathroom with a stomach ache every time I try to be affectionate...where does that leave us?

 

There's my vent for today. I don't plan on doing anything drastic before our MC session. I think that session will tell me a lot about P's committment (or lack thereof) to make our M work.

[Maladjusted]

Hahaha I just thought of something devious.

 

You could always tell your wife that this friend of hers contacted you and repeated everything that your wife said to her. That way you let your wife know that you know that she was tearing you apart to her friend and you get to hopefully break up that toxic friendship she has going.

 

But that's me. I favor a scorched earth policy.

[Thaddeus]

Hahaha I just thought of something devious.

 

You could always tell your wife that this friend of hers contacted you and repeated everything that your wife said to her. That way you let your wife know that you know that she was tearing you apart to her friend and you get to hopefully break up that toxic friendship she has going.

Probably wouldn't work. Women talk (and talk... and talk... and talk... and talk...). They'd eventually figure out that they're both being played, and somehow they'd twist it in such a way that Etrain would be the bad guy. It's not logical, I know, but since when does logic enter into it?

[etrain1234]

OMG! I think she IS cheating on me.

I looked on keylogger this morning & noticed that she changed her Yahoo email password. I got the new password and logged in to "investigate".

She has sent about 20 emails to an out of town male co-worker over the past 3 days. I miss you. I've been thinking a lot about you lately. I can't wait to ses you again. Lovey-dovey stuff like that.

 

What the hell am I suposed to do know? I am completely heartbroken, angry, upset. I want to call her at work RIGHT NOW and confront her.

Dammit. My marriage is over. I know it is.

[Thaddeus]

Damn... that majorly sucks. Seriously.

 

Don't do anything - ANYTHING - in the heat of the moment. Copy the emails that she sent and any responses she gets. Take them to a lawyer and show him/her. Start protecting yourself legally and financially.

 

This is extremely important that you protect yourself.

[etrain1234]

Damn... that majorly sucks. Seriously.

 

Don't do anything - ANYTHING - in the heat of the moment. Copy the emails that she sent and any responses she gets. Take them to a lawyer and show him/her. Start protecting yourself legally and financially.

 

This is extremely important that you protect yourself.

 

I don't even know where to start. I don't have a lawyer. I have no idea how any of this works. We don't have much in the way of assets.

 

I did print the most incriminating email I saw because I'm sure she'll delete it if I confront her.

 

This sucks so bad!

[Maladjusted]

I am sorry to hear about this. I've been in the same situation that you are in right now. I knew she was having an affair by the things that she was saying to you. At least now you know and you can begin to either save the marriage or get a divorce.

 

The first thing you need to do is make copies of the emails that you have for proof of discovery and to show to a lawyer if divorce is what you eventually decide.

 

Then I would start putting together a timeline as to when this began and find out about this guy.

[Thaddeus]

I don't even know where to start. I don't have a lawyer. I have no idea how any of this works. We don't have much in the way of assets.

 

I did print the most incriminating email I saw because I'm sure she'll delete it if I confront her.

 

This sucks so bad!

Yes, it does suck. You have every right to be angry and upset.

 

And there will be a time in which you'll have the opportunity to express that.

 

Now is not that time.

 

So, as much as you can, put the emotion aside for a bit (I know this is monumentally difficult but it's important that you do so).

 

Gather up all the evidence you can - message logs, emails, all the rest - and copy (print if you can) it all.

 

If you don't have a lawyer, get one. Talk to friends (I'm sure you have at least one divorced friend, right?) and get a recommendation. Many lawyers will give you a free consultation though you'll have to check with their offices first.

 

Same goes with an accountant. Make an appointment with an accountant or other financial whiz-kid.

 

The idea here is not to leave her indigent or to deny your kids anything. It's to ensure that you don't get financially and legally a$$-raped in divorce court (which happens ALL the time).

 

Also, remember that this is just a measure to protect yourself. You are under no obligation, of course, to go ahead with a divorce. But if you must, then you won't be scrambling at the last minute to get your financial and legal ducks in a row.

 

So take a deep breath. Get your stuff in order first. There will be plenty of time to feel angry and upset, but now is not that time.

[etrain1234]

I just printed some more of the emails. No idea how I'd find out anything about this guy. He's an out of town co-worker of hers. None of her co-worker friends are going to help me, I'm sure of that.

It's so sad. My W's best friend...who she absolutely adores almost to the point of worship...just went through a D and afterwards started seeing an out of town co-worker. Now my W is following the same exact path.

 

I still want to call her and confront her right now. Is that the wrong thing to do?

[Thaddeus]

I still want to call her and confront her right now. Is that the wrong thing to do?

Yes, it's the wrong thing to do. You're upset and angry and I don't blame you. Don't make a decision while you're in that state.

 

I know you want to vent your hurt and rage at her right now - similar thing happened to me a few years back (I wasn't married to her, but still...) - but that will get you nowhere and you'll still have to protect yourself legally and financially.

 

If you blurt to her, she may start that process first and blind-side you without you knowing it, and nothing good can come of that.

[hopesndreams]

Don't confront her yet. She will only deny, deny and deny and throw a few tears in for good measure, all the while planning HER next move.

 

Don't give her the heads up. Keep searching to find out who this man is.

 

Follow Thad's advice.

[Maladjusted]

I just printed some more of the emails. No idea how I'd find out anything about this guy. He's an out of town co-worker of hers. None of her co-worker friends are going to help me, I'm sure of that.

It's so sad. My W's best friend...who she absolutely adores almost to the point of worship...just went through a D and afterwards started seeing an out of town co-worker. Now my W is following the same exact path.

 

I still want to call her and confront her right now. Is that the wrong thing to do?

 

As long as you have his name or email address that is all you really need, but we can get to that later.

 

I agree with Thaddeus. Don't tell her a thing right now. Her head is up her ass at the moment and if you choose to reveal what you know to her right now she could panic and run off to a lawyer before you do. You need to be cold and calculating at this point.

 

You need to gather what information you can and make a decision about what you want to do. Talk to friends and members of your family (don't say anything to her family yet) and us for support when you need it.

 

Hang in there man.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Figure out the timing and what opportunities there were. You have no evidence it is anything more then an EA at this time, especially if he is out of town.

 

Is P going to the MC with you? That may be the best chance to confront her through a third party and ask who she confides in and whether there are other men (under the guise that you are insecure).

[The Collector]

Stay cool and GATHER MORE EVIDENCE. Unless she is admitting in the email 'yes we had sex and I am looking forward to doing it again' she will most likely deny and twist it, cover her tracks and see a divorce lawyer before you.

[etrain1234]

Thanks to all of you for talking me down. I also spent the past hour or so on the phone with one my buddies so that helped too.

 

Figure out the timing and what opportunities there were. You have no evidence it is anything more then an EA at this time, especially if he is out of town.

 

Is P going to the MC with you? That may be the best chance to confront her through a third party and ask who she confides in and whether there are other men (under the guise that you are insecure).

 

There's really no way for me to figure out the timing on this. P has to travel to the corporate office for her job occasionally...maybe 3-5 times per year. Also, people from the corp office travel to her's. They almost always wind up taking the visitors out for dinner/drinks after work. Their friendship or whatever it is must have sparked at one of these nights out.

She deleted all her emails except the past 3 days so I don't know how long this has been going on.

 

She is going to MC with me next Tuesday...at least that's what she said. Hopefully her FB friend doesn't talk her out of it before then. I love your idea of how to bring up the possible A at counseling. I will use it if we make it that far.

 

As long as you have his name or email address that is all you really need, but we can get to that later.

 

You need to gather what information you can and make a decision about what you want to do. Talk to friends and members of your family (don't say anything to her family yet) and us for support when you need it.

 

Hang in there man.

Thanks, man. I have his name, work email address, phone#, personal email address, & home address...some I got from the email & some from his FB page.

But I have no idea what to do next.

 

Don't confront her yet. She will only deny, deny and deny and throw a few tears in for good measure, all the while planning HER next move.

 

Don't give her the heads up. Keep searching to find out who this man is.

 

Follow Thad's advice.

You're right. If I confront her, she will deny it & make me the bad guy for "spying" on her. Suddenly, I'll be the psycho, overbearing, stalker husband.

 

Thanks to Thad & Collector as well. I appreciate all your advice. I guess I'll look for a divorce lawyer who does free consultations. I don't even know where to look besides the yellow pages. I have 1 friend who was divorced. I guess I can start there.

 

I know this will make me sound like a baby even though I'm about to turn 39...but I think I'll call my mother. I just need some support & someone to talk to.

[hopesndreams]

I love your idea of how to bring up the possible A at counseling. I will use it if we make it that far.

 

You would have to be super-human and have amazing self-control if you can make it until the MC. We are all here rooting for you.

 

Find out if this OM has a W. When the shyt hits the fan and she doesn't fess up or even when she does fess up, give the W a call. Her OM will no doubt throw her under the bus then and gets him out of the picture and gives a chance to find out if the M is recoverable.

 

Keep in mind, as long as there is an OM, and she does not give him up completely, the M is doomed.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

First, don't know the extent of the "Affair"..... Sounds like she loves to talk and play the "woe is me" card and loves to get attention.

 

Try and stay calm. Incredibly hard I know, but you can keep collecting the info and venting here or to friends.

 

Everything I read here tells me you have to be calculating, watch her moves and actions and don't let her think you know a single thing.

 

Good luck.....

[etrain1234]

The OM is married. I got onto his FB through my W's to verify that. Doesn't look like they have any children though.

I'll try to find his W's contact info in case I ever need to play that card. Thanks for the suggestion.

 

After some thinking, I think I know what my W is up to. She already planted the seeds. She's going to fake her way through MC...then a while later she'll say, "Well, we tried. But my feelings still haven't changed."

That way she gets her divorce without being the "bad guy".

 

Just the other night (when she agreed to MC)...she said "what if we do all the counseling and stuff but it doesn't work. Then what?" Another thing she said was, "I just don't want you to hate me.".

She wants to come out of this thing smelling like a rose.

 

My god, how am I going to make it until next Tuesday?

[etrain1234]

First, don't know the extent of the "Affair"..... Sounds like she loves to talk and play the "woe is me" card and loves to get attention.

 

Try and stay calm. Incredibly hard I know, but you can keep collecting the info and venting here or to friends.

 

Everything I read here tells me you have to be calculating, watch her moves and actions and don't let her think you know a single thing.

 

Good luck.....

 

Heck, I'm on the edge right now. I'll share the incriminating email with you guys & you can tell me what you think.

To preface, she sent him a bunch of songs she likes. This email was after she sent him a dance song:

 

OM: I love this song!!!!!! I remember it from high school...

 

W: Yeah, me too. It rocks and gets me right in the mood to shake my ass! LOL! Usually can't hold back from chair dancing!

 

OM: OMG! I wish I could see that right now...I love your tunage! Great taste...man, can't stop thinking about u on a chair now...

 

W: LMAO! You are too funny! I'll show you next time you are in!

Whoo hoo!

Glad you like my taste in music!

 

OM: I hope so....can't wait!!!

 

W: I can't wait to see you too! I've been thinking about you alot lately, if you haven't been able to tell. Man! I'm so obvious! LOL

 

OM: Aww...u just put a HUGE smile on my face! I miss u too

 

W: Awww, you are the best person in the whole world, do you know that?

Ok, sweetness, i'm going to bed now. My son wore me out. LOL

Hoping we can chat on IM tomorrow.... Good night! Sleep tight and dream beautifully!

 

 

And this was all last night...exactly 1 day after she agreed to counseling & 2 days after she assured me she wasn't having an A.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I am pretty obtuse about these thing. What I do know is I'd call the EAP again (and tell them it is an emergency). I have a background in benefits and know a lot about EAP's. You can talk to a live counselor explain the situation and tell them you need an appointment now. They will also give you info on Lawyers, Divorce, Separation..... They are all trained Psychologist (or Masters degree) on the line, so will be able to talk or walk you through what you need to know.

 

Tell them you need the appointment in 24 hours and say that the Dr. called and wants to see you immediately as he/she has an opening and reviewing the EAP notes.

 

Good luck.

 

Thanks