Wife says she doesn't love me "that way" any more

[burning 4 revenge]

Call a divorce lawyer today. Don't do anything else until you speak with the lawyer. The truth is that your marriage may or may not be fixable. But at this point one thing ANY objective person would agree: She and he are PLANNING to sleep together. I would not lay money either way on what they have done in the past. I would simply take 10 to 1 odds that when they next meet they will sleep together.

 

The lawyer will tell you how to best protect your relationship with your children and your MONEY

Yes sound advice

 

If she not only breaks your heart but cleans you out youre seriously going to want to kill her, so protect yourself

[Toodamnpragmatic]

and I'm usually the rational one here..... Get a lawyer and get your ducks in a row.... Again EAP may help. Ignore the woman crap "I may never have loved you" they use that often in arguments and it is sad. I am not bitter, just seen this said on posts here.

 

You either turnaround the MC next week or move to he next step. You tell the MC what she said to you last night. Make notes about every conversation you have this week and how she reacts. The MC is about your marriage, not about her childhood issues (IC).

[Chrome Barracuda]

if I knew she would have had an affair and treated me like crap in the long run would I stay would her?? Or any woman like that?

 

Hell no!

 

I think it's time you have her served... That might change things. As long as she still got that grass is greener mentality she'll never stop acting this way she'll always try to be a free woman. Even though she's married.

 

And I know you love her E, but love aint supposed to hurt us.

 

And your self esteem doesnt need to be pummled by your spouse. So toss her out, grieve , find someone else. period. That's what it's all gonna boil down to anyways.

[Maladjusted]

she doesn't really have any hope that the MC will change things & isn't sure she EVER loved me.

 

She is saying that she isn't sure she ever loved you because she is in the middle of an affair. My wife said the same thing at one point. That being said, marriage counseling isn't going to work if your wife is lying to the counselor.

 

So, you have a decision to make on what you want to do here.

[Thaddeus]

Yep. Horrible.

I guess our 12 years together have been a lie.

She's giving you an emotional response based on what she's feeling in the moment - it has nothing whatsoever to do with the dozen years you've been together.

 

Pages and pages ago I suggested that you get your legal and financial ducks in a row to protect yourself against exactly this eventuality (post #8). Others have chimed in with the same advice.

 

If you haven't done that yet, I strongly suggest that you do it today. Yes, I mean before the sun sets today. Getting your legal and financial affairs in order to protect yourself doesn't lock you into doing anything, it's simply a rearguard action in case things go south so you can negotiate from a position of strength.

 

I know it sucks and I know it's painful. But for the sake of your own financial security and that of your children, you really really need to do this.

[seibert253]

Your wife is saying she's not sure if she ever loved you because she's still deep in the fog.

 

That being said, are you willing to wait to see if the fog lifts? It may, it may not. My FWW went from being deep, deep in the fog, to being a crying, sad, begging for forgiveness, defogged wife is less than 12 hours. Took being served with D papers.

 

I echo what everyone else has said:

-contact an attorney, protect yourself

-have papers drawn

-wait, (not too long), and see

 

My feeling as far as the remaining MC sessions, what the hell do you have to lose. At the end of each session, you'll know if you're any closer to fixing this. If at the end your not, Cut bait.

[etrain1234]

Some wonderful advice. I already have a call in to an attorney friend of mine (he's not a divorce atty) to ask if he can recommend someone to me. I figure that's better than randomly choosing a DA from the yellow pages.

I don't think I'm going to serve her with D papers right now but I want to find out how to protect myself financially & custody-wise.

 

I'm starting to genuinely dislike my W & find myself trying to come up with ways to NOT be around her. Maybe that's only a temporary feeling. I don't know. But that's how I've felt since last night.

 

I plan on finishing up the 4 remaining free MC sessions. Maybe things will turn around. Maybe they won't. I'll do my part.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Some wonderful advice. I already have a call in to an attorney friend of mine (he's not a divorce atty) to ask if he can recommend someone to me. I figure that's better than randomly choosing a DA from the yellow pages.

I don't think I'm going to serve her with D papers right now but I want to find out how to protect myself financially & custody-wise.

 

I'm starting to genuinely dislike my W & find myself trying to come up with ways to NOT be around her. Maybe that's only a temporary feeling. I don't know. But that's how I've felt since last night.

 

I plan on finishing up the 4 remaining free MC sessions. Maybe things will turn around. Maybe they won't. I'll do my part.

 

I wish you luck. I think you need to take control of the MC sessions. Again take notes, prepare a speech and don't let her derail it talking about her childhood.

 

And me (as per my screen name) says you need to know if you can, what she is doing behind your back. Is she contacting him, the toxic friend, anyone else?

 

It is expected you are staring to dislike her.... Keep your distance and don't explode, figure out your feelings. Are you still in the same bed? Go to a guest room if that is what you must and see how she reacts.

[etrain1234]

I wish you luck. I think you need to take control of the MC sessions. Again take notes, prepare a speech and don't let her derail it talking about her childhood.

 

And me (as per my screen name) says you need to know if you can, what she is doing behind your back. Is she contacting him, the toxic friend, anyone else?

 

It is expected you are staring to dislike her.... Keep your distance and don't explode, figure out your feelings. Are you still in the same bed? Go to a guest room if that is what you must and see how she reacts.

 

Thanks again.

Call me crazy, but I'm at the point where I'm not really concerned with what she's doing behind my back. I've made it 100% clear that the OM needs to be completely out of the picture and that the evil FB friend is poison to our marriage. If she's STILL going behind my back & contacting them, then what can I do? There's no way I can really know for sure & there's no way I can stop it....so I'm not going to drive myself crazy thinking about it. I don't want to be running around like a lunatic, snooping on her every move..

 

The bigger concern is her lack of trying. If she's half-arsing her way through MC, I'll be able to tell & I'll know that our M is finished. If it's because of an OM or an evil friend, it doesn't really matter much.

 

Oh, and we don't have a guest room (unfortunately)...so we sleep as far away from each other as we can but in the same bed.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Thanks again.

Call me crazy, but I'm at the point where I'm not really concerned with what she's doing behind my back. I've made it 100% clear that the OM needs to be completely out of the picture and that the evil FB friend is poison to our marriage. If she's STILL going behind my back & contacting them, then what can I do? There's no way I can really know for sure & there's no way I can stop it....so I'm not going to drive myself crazy thinking about it. I don't want to be running around like a lunatic, snooping on her every move..

 

The bigger concern is her lack of trying. If she's half-arsing her way through MC, I'll be able to tell & I'll know that our M is finished. If it's because of an OM or an evil friend, it doesn't really matter much.

 

Oh, and we don't have a guest room (unfortunately)...so we sleep as far away from each other as we can but in the same bed.

 

It's just knowing the truth as you go through this process..... I feel terrible for you, but if you want to salvage the marriage, at least know what the truth is and not what she tells you or the counselor.

 

I know nothing about working through this, just using my common sense. Yes your pissed, but you are now plotting how to get out, though last week you were trying to salvage the relationship.

 

I'm just saying you are conflicted now and need a plan of action. Look you love your wife, just are very p@@#ed right now and need to get your act together and know the truth.

[etrain1234]

Yep. I was pissed for about a 24 hour period after my W saying she's not sure she ever loved me. I'm feeling a little better today.

We just spent some time together at our son's soccer game. My W is like a completely different person from the one I've known for 12 years. I'll get a rare chuckle or smile from her but she's mostly cold & unemotional toward me. We don't argue. We don't do much of anything.

 

I'm STILL waiting for her to show some interest in working on our M. I've been reading a book called "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" and it has a bunch of relationship building exercises. I told my W to let me know if/when she's ready to start working on some of them together. The "homework" our MC gave us is actually 1 of the exercises in the book. Anyway, I'm still waiting for her to say she's ready...and I think I'll be waiting a while.

 

I got a good lead on a divorce attorney so I'll be calling his office tomorrow...just to find out general info on how the process works & what I can do to protect myself.

Beyond that, I guess my plan is to keep taking care of my son & myself, keep reading the book, and wait to see if my W is willing to work on our M. I can't make her.

 

Have any of you read The Seven Principles? If so, do you think it helped?

Are Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy helpful? Just wondering what the consensus is on all these books.

 

Thanks.

[seibert253]

Man E, even if she showed anger, that would be a good thing. Any emotion would show she cared. No emotion, well I think she's pretty much done. If she's not interested in your MC "homework", then she's not interested in fixing anything.

 

Contact your attorney and get your ducks in a row. I'm sorry, but I think your gonna need it.

 

I know that's not what you want to hear, but I'm a realist. Start planning now. But, you never know, in two weeks she could change her mind. Women have a tendency to do that on a moments notice.

[etrain1234]

Yeah, that's pretty much where we are at this point, seibert. It feels like the beginning of the end.

 

And should I read anything into the fact that my W has been dressing really sexy the past couple days?

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Yeah, that's pretty much where we are at this point, seibert. It feels like the beginning of the end.

 

And should I read anything into the fact that my W has been dressing really sexy the past couple days?

 

Don't beat yourself up.... Again I say find out what she is doing now. If she is having an affair, then I guess it is time to expose it a counseling, to the OM's spouse and her family. If she wants to end the marriage, then fine, but make sure you have tried everything to save it, if that is what you want.

 

Again sorry....

[Maladjusted]

Yeah, that's pretty much where we are at this point, seibert. It feels like the beginning of the end.

 

And should I read anything into the fact that my W has been dressing really sexy the past couple days?

 

Yes, absolutely!

 

All your reading up on marriages etc is nothing but a waste if she isn't going to put any time into working on the marriage. She is unemotional right now because she is involved in an affair.

 

I'm with Pragmatic, you need to keep monitoring for what she is doing, at least for the sake of having evidence to give to a divorce attorney.

[seibert253]

Yeah, that's pretty much where we are at this point, seibert. It feels like the beginning of the end.

 

And should I read anything into the fact that my W has been dressing really sexy the past couple days?

 

 

Oh yeah. She's not dressing up to make herself feel better. Keep in investigative mode. Monitor cellphone, keylogger, VAR in car if necessary. You may need this as leverage for your D. Yes, it looks like that's where you're headed. Don't know if your state is NO FAULT.

 

Contact your attorney and protect yourself. I would go ahead and have papers drawn. If you find she's seeing someone else, file and have her served.

 

I'm sorry E, but I dont' think this is going to end the way you want it. You need to come to that reality and prepare for it.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Oh yeah. She's not dressing up to make herself feel better. Keep in investigative mode. Monitor cellphone, keylogger, VAR in car if necessary. You may need this as leverage for your D. Yes, it looks like that's where you're headed. Don't know if your state is NO FAULT.

 

Contact your attorney and protect yourself. I would go ahead and have papers drawn. If you find she's seeing someone else, file and have her served.

 

I'm sorry E, but I dont' think this is going to end the way you want it. You need to come to that reality and prepare for it.

 

Everyone may be 100% right, but I wouldn't give up all hope. Simply prepare yourself and have as much info as you can. Spouses can make a 180 like that too....

[etrain1234]

I spoke with an attorney today & he explained a lot of the basics to me. There really isn't anything for me to do (legally) right now...not until one of us decides to file for D or we decide to seperate.

 

My state does have NO FAULT divorces and the attorney did explain the process to me. He also said it's rare that a spouse's A has any effect on the D...but it could impact alimony if it winds up going all the way to court. He said 85-90% of cases are settled before they go that far.

 

I'm still torn on whether or not to start "investigating" again. I think I'll see how the next couple MC sessions go & decide from there.

 

Well, the W is sick today....after staying out until the wee hours of the morning at some bar for her best friend's going away party (not the FB friend). She's managed to find reasons to go out each of the past 3 nights to avoid spending time with me...visiting her sister, shopping, then last night. It's almost like she thinks she's single already.

Whatever. It gave me some quality time with my son.

[seibert253]

E, you know what she's up to. Your not stupid. Don't let her play this game. You don't deserve it.

 

If you want to wait until your next session, that's OK. But, if she shows nothing as to wanting to actually fix your marriage, then file.

If she shows some initiative, then you need to start setting some boundries.

[etrain1234]

Maybe I'm dead wrong but I don't think she's been out cheating on me this week. The OM she was emailing lives out of state. Maybe there's somebody else but I'd be surprised.

She actually stayed home tonight but all we did was sit on opposite ends of the couch & catch up on some TV shows we had on DVR....not much talking.

 

I would actually prefer it if she files for the D. She's the one who seems to have given up on our M & I don't want to give her any opportunity to turn things around & try to play the victim here.

The attorney I spoke with said it doesn't really matter who files...but the person who does has to pay the filing costs. I'd just as soon let her foot the bill for that.

 

At our next MC session, I plan on bringing up the fact that she isn't giving any effort...as well as her saying she doesn't think she EVER loved me & doesn't have much hope that the MC will work. I figure that will either snap her out of it & get her to start trying...or she'll admit there's no hope to the MC & we'll go from there.

[mem11363]

Who were too spineless to ever break up with anyone. I am worried for you that she is like that. That she is going to just keep treating you in this awful, hateful, indifferent manner until you snap and divorce her. And you are right she will claim YOU did it to HER.

 

And you just need to quietly pull her aside and tell her that she needs to admit that she initiated the divorce. Or you will send that email/chat sequence to everyone in the whole world. And you will explain that when confronted she showed no real remorse, and she subsequently started going out at night and ignoring what your MC asked the two of you to do.

 

I think she has crossed the line into truly evil. Sad for you.

 

You have solid evidence of very very bad faith behavior on her part. And I think she needs to agree to tell your child that she initiated the divorce - not you.

 

But the sooner you file the sooner you end the torment.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Maybe I'm dead wrong but I don't think she's been out cheating on me this week. The OM she was emailing lives out of state. Maybe there's somebody else but I'd be surprised.

She actually stayed home tonight but all we did was sit on opposite ends of the couch & catch up on some TV shows we had on DVR....not much talking.

 

I would actually prefer it if she files for the D. She's the one who seems to have given up on our M & I don't want to give her any opportunity to turn things around & try to play the victim here.

The attorney I spoke with said it doesn't really matter who files...but the person who does has to pay the filing costs. I'd just as soon let her foot the bill for that.

 

At our next MC session, I plan on bringing up the fact that she isn't giving any effort...as well as her saying she doesn't think she EVER loved me & doesn't have much hope that the MC will work. I figure that will either snap her out of it & get her to start trying...or she'll admit there's no hope to the MC & we'll go from there.

[giotto]

I hate all this childish stuff... can you just sit her down and have ad adult conversation with her? Ask her if she wants to carry on with MC and in this case put some effort in the marriage, otherwise it's divorce...

[stillafool]

Okay I'm going to put my 2 cents in as I have this thought. Do you think your wife is in love with someone else? Sometimes when us women don't want to have sex and say we have fallen out of love is because deep down inside we are pinning for someone from our past or have fallen in love with another man. If we are married it feels like we are stuck and there is nothing that we can do about it and become depressed. I have seen this with many of my married gf's and experienced this myself. Except for me I pulled my way back. It is like we get caught up in this fantasy (in our own minds) about a life we missed that was filled with passionate love that would last forever. I probably am not making much sense here but this has happened to me also. Forturnately I pulled my head out of my arse before I lost the best thing that ever happened to me - my sweet husband.

[stillafool]

Your wife needs to see that other women find you attractive. Why don't you have a party and invite other people and be a social butterfly. Nothing makes a person realize what they have than to see someone else interested in you.

[etrain1234]

I hate all this childish stuff... can you just sit her down and have ad adult conversation with her? Ask her if she wants to carry on with MC and in this case put some effort in the marriage, otherwise it's divorce...

 

Well, if I give her an ultimatum right now, I know what the answer will be. I'll be heading to D court.

Deep down, I still want to save this marriage so I plan on sticking with the MC to see if she snaps out of it. It doesn't look good right now but we've only been to 1 session. I think our marriage is worth me giving it a few more sessions to see if things change.

If things don't change, oh well. At least I tried.