Wife says she doesn't love me "that way" any more

[etrain1234]

Okay I'm going to put my 2 cents in as I have this thought. Do you think your wife is in love with someone else? Sometimes when us women don't want to have sex and say we have fallen out of love is because deep down inside we are pinning for someone from our past or have fallen in love with another man. If we are married it feels like we are stuck and there is nothing that we can do about it and become depressed. I have seen this with many of my married gf's and experienced this myself. Except for me I pulled my way back. It is like we get caught up in this fantasy (in our own minds) about a life we missed that was filled with passionate love that would last forever. I probably am not making much sense here but this has happened to me also. Forturnately I pulled my head out of my arse before I lost the best thing that ever happened to me - my sweet husband.

 

I honestly don't know if she's in love with someone else. I don't think she is but then again I never thought she'd be internet flirting with some co-worker either. She definitely has those fantasies floating around in her head. We've been together since she was 18 so she never got to "get it all out of her system". She's mentioned wanting to have this fire burning inside her every time she sees her H. Even the MC said that isn't the reality for most married couples. It's usually only around during the early stages of a relationship & sporadically after that. But my W has these ideas in her head. The entire M should be like it was when we first met & couldn't keep our hands off each other. I guess she's not realizing that M changes as time goes on and you need to change with it. Hell, I want it to be like it was 10 years ago too...but relationships change, especially with children and added responsibilities.

 

Your wife needs to see that other women find you attractive. Why don't you have a party and invite other people and be a social butterfly. Nothing makes a person realize what they have than to see someone else interested in you.

Not a party but I'm already planning to get together with some old (female) college friends for our Homecoming weekend next Saturday. They're "party girls" & can be quite flirtatious. It will be interesting to see how (if) my W reacts.

[hopesndreams]

Your wife needs to see that other women find you attractive. Why don't you have a party and invite other people and be a social butterfly. Nothing makes a person realize what they have than to see someone else interested in you.

 

It would make the situation worse than it is now and the situation is really, really bad. How could it be worse? Throw a few women in that find him desirable and can't keep their hands off...yeah, right...ridiculous advice, IMO. This ain't high school.

[etrain1234]

Not much new to report. The past couple days have been about the same. We "get along" okay & have done some things with our son as a family but there's absolutely no connection between my W & I. We talk some, but never about our M. Other times, I try to initiate a conversation & I get emotionless 2-3 word replies. Sometimes I get the feeling she isn't just "not in love" with me but actually hates my guts. It's just the tone of her voice at times or certain looks she gives me.

I've never done a bad thing to this woman...no affairs, no abuse, not out all night carousing or drinking, always had a steady job, etc. Yet she seems to genuinely dislike me as if I'VE done something to HER.

It's all so bizzaar.

 

Well, I'm waiting to see how tomorrow's MC session goes.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

How did MC go? Any luck at all....

[hopeful1980]

She's lucky to have a husband like you. You are obviously trying very hard. I hope she wakes up out of her depression before you walk away.

[Javelin]

Etrain,

 

I've just read 11 pages of your life and I must say, wow, what a roller coaster ride it has been for you these last couple of weeks! Also let me express my deepest apologies that you're going through this, but just know that no matter how bad it seems to become, it can always get much worse.

 

Anyway, onto the meat of this ordeal! You're wife...

 

I'll have to give you credit man, not many people would put up with her *****... Even with a child, her selfish antics would have drove me out for good. To say, " I don't love you " and " I don't think that I've ever loved you - for 12+ years...? " Those would be certain deal breakers for me, especially on top of almost engaging in an emotional affair! Not to mention that she's also not putting any effort what-so-ever into saving your marriage! Honestly the effort part should be the final straw for you, because at this point, screw trying to salvage it.

 

That said, I think it's time to move out my friend and in the mean time, get those divorce papers ready! That way you can detach from her and really rebuild yourself and your life! I know this is not ideal for you as you don't want to give up, but quite frankly, she really doesn't care about anything you're doing for her. If she really doesn't love you, then she'll go along with it; however, if she does love you.. She may just break down and confide in you and start trying.

 

Ultimately it's your call, but right now you're beating what seems to be a dead horse. Until you do something drastic, nothing will go in your favor.

[etrain1234]

How did MC go? Any luck at all....

 

Sorry I haven't been around here to give an update. I must confess that since my employer blocked this site from my work PC, I've been cheating on you guys by posting on the DB forums.

 

Anyway, He had our 2nd MC session on Tuesday & I was able to get a lot off my chest. My W is sticking to her "story" that about 3-4 years ago, she realized she was never "in love" with me. I don't believe that because I remember the good times...and there were many...but that's what's going through my W's head. So now I face the challenge of regaining a love that was NEVER EVEN THERE, according to my W.

 

My W & I started dating when she was only 18 and that seems to be part of the issue. She had this fairytale view of what M is...and I think some of that is still lingering. The MC even picked up on it when my W said her idea of M is having that constant fire burning when you see your spouse..that spark that never goes away. She started to backtrack a bit when the MC explained that it's a little unrealistic to expect that to last forever & that M's change over time...but backtracking aside, that's what she really feels because she's said it to me more than once.

 

The MC did get my W to agree to try some of the exercises in the marriage book I've been reading, so maybe that's a start...assuming she actually follows through. (not DB or DR..it's another book I picked up)

 

I'm not very optimistic right now. The possibility of seperation and D was actually discussed in MC & it felt all too real. In my W's mind, our M is already over.

 

The MC scheduled us for another appt next week...saying to call if one or both of us decides we don't want to go. It gave me the impression that even the MC has lost hope.

 

I'm trying to hang in there. If our M does end, I want to be able to say I gave everything I had to make it work. And I expressed that to my W. Our son is worth it...our family is worth it...and I'm worth it.

[etrain1234]

Javelin...I hear what you're saying. I really do. And maybe I'm a sucker for still hoping this M can be salvaged. But I am also preparing myself for life w/o my W.

 

And one thing I don't want to do is move out. My feeling is that she's the one breaking up our family so she can pack up her crap & move out. I'm not going anywhere.

 

I'm going to 180 the heck out of her & turn all my focus to my son and myself. I'm already making plans to meet up with friends and do the things that make ME happpy. Absolutely no sucking up or letting her get to me. I don't care how many times she makes up reasons to get out of the house just to get away from me. That just gives me more time w/ my son.

 

If she comes around & want to work on things, great. If not, she can move out, file for D, whatever. I'm going to be living my life as best I can.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

So does this mean MC was another wasted day?

[carhill]

The MC scheduled us for another appt next week...saying to call if one or both of us decides we don't want to go. It gave me the impression that even the MC has lost hope.

 

This is normal. The couple drives the interaction. You both have to want for MC to work for it to work. We went, with a couple of month-long breaks interspersed, for 14 months, generally weekly. Nothing significant happens right away. It gets a lot worse before getting better, if it gets better for you. A lot of shyte will hit the fan.

[etrain1234]

So does this mean MC was another wasted day?

 

Well, it was better than the first session. I actually took control this time & got to speak my mind...so that was good. The MC seemed to be asking my W the same types of questions I've been wanting to ask...but my W sidestepped most of them.

 

In the end, we didnt make any progress. It all kept coming back to my W saying she was never in love w/ me. And how do you get past that? We almost called it quits right there. There was dead silence. The MC didn't even know what to say.

 

My W is still inventing reasons to get out of the house & did so last night. I'm still suspicious that she's having an A, but don't know for sure. Actually, an A is the only thing that makes sense at this point. Why else would she be rewriting the history of our M? She has to be trying to rationalize something she did.

 

I'm just going to try to live my life, have fun, and be happy. Maybe my W will see that I can live a happy life regardless of what she does & that will get her to snap out of it. Or maybe she'll move out and/or file for D if she's so hell bent on getting out of this M. That's up to her.

[carhill]

It all kept coming back to my W saying she was never in love w/ me. And how do you get past that?

 

This is just manipulation. I actually said in MC that this sort of manipulation is unacceptable and the MC explored that assertion and its background.

 

My question to your W would be, if you were never in love with him, why did you marry him and stay with him all these years? How do think he feels about hearing this?

 

Our MC was brutal, and not just on my wife.

[etrain1234]

This is just manipulation. I actually said in MC that this sort of manipulation is unacceptable and the MC explored that assertion and its background.

 

My question to your W would be, if you were never in love with him, why did you marry him and stay with him all these years? How do think he feels about hearing this?

 

Our MC was brutal, and not just on my wife.

 

You're right, carhill. It's just her way of rationalizing whatever she's going through right now. I've been speaking to close friends & family about my situation & they're all shocked. They remember how happy & in love my W was...even as recently as a couple months ago.

 

This weekend wasn't very productive as I'm still in limboland. I'm trying to DB & 180 but I'm not sure it's working...might even be pushing her further away since I've been doing a lot of things w/o her. W seems to be doing it right back to me.

I took our S to a football game yesterday afternoon. W took him to visit her family last night. I took our S to church this morning. W is taking him for a haircut right now. All we're doing is spending more time apart. This is no way to live.

 

If my W was "never in love"...doesn't have any hope that MC will work...and isn't trying to make any positive changes in our M...why hasn't she left or filed for D yet? (not that I want her to)

I just don't get it.

[mem11363]

It sures seems like she wants you to divorce her. Then she can put this on you whenever the topic arises. Her story will go something like this.

 

My husband got really jealous over some guy at work - which was odd because there was absolutely nothing going on - this guy and I never touched each other and he lives far away so I almost never saw him.

 

Husband flipped out, said we needed MC, gave it 2-3 sessions and then filed for D. It was crazy. I still don't understand it.

 

This will let her create the "Damsel in Distress" image for future prospective mates. They will want to rescue her from this terrible situation.

 

She will NOT disclose any of the conversations the two of you had where she told you she was no longer in love. She will simply forget those - and over time likely try to deny them unless you have email/FB evidence to the contrary.

 

 

 

 

 

 

You're right, carhill. It's just her way of rationalizing whatever she's going through right now. I've been speaking to close friends & family about my situation & they're all shocked. They remember how happy & in love my W was...even as recently as a couple months ago.

 

This weekend wasn't very productive as I'm still in limboland. I'm trying to DB & 180 but I'm not sure it's working...might even be pushing her further away since I've been doing a lot of things w/o her. W seems to be doing it right back to me.

I took our S to a football game yesterday afternoon. W took him to visit her family last night. I took our S to church this morning. W is taking him for a haircut right now. All we're doing is spending more time apart. This is no way to live.

 

If my W was "never in love"...doesn't have any hope that MC will work...and isn't trying to make any positive changes in our M...why hasn't she left or filed for D yet? (not that I want her to)

I just don't get it.

[The Collector]

It sures seems like she wants you to divorce her. Then she can put this on you whenever the topic arises. Her story will go something like this.

 

My husband got really jealous over some guy at work - which was odd because there was absolutely nothing going on - this guy and I never touched each other and he lives far away so I almost never saw him.

 

Husband flipped out, said we needed MC, gave it 2-3 sessions and then filed for D. It was crazy. I still don't understand it.

 

This will let her create the "Damsel in Distress" image for future prospective mates. They will want to rescue her from this terrible situation.

 

She will NOT disclose any of the conversations the two of you had where she told you she was no longer in love. She will simply forget those - and over time likely try to deny them unless you have email/FB evidence to the contrary.

 

I agree. She seems 0% into saving the marriage and about 70% likely she is or wants to be having an affair. So why isn't she filing or admitting the marriage is over? To come out of it smelling good. Or because she can't be bothered right now while husband is making her feel wanted, even though she doesn't want him. Or because she knows it will happen soon enough, and she can wait. But mostly because she doesn't want to tell future suitors she divorced for no good reason, and she was never in love in the first place. That sounds bad. He divorced me and abandoned our child because he was crazy jealous over nothing or didn't want to save the marriage? That sounds much better.

[etrain1234]

I absolutely think she'd like to portray herself as the victim. During MC, it's all about ME not fulfilling HER needs....victim.

 

And that's why she'll NEVER admit to an A...even though I think she's either had one, having one, or thinking about having one.

That's why she's going through the motions of MC...not really putting any effort into it but she'll be able to say she "tried". I can already picture Tuesday's MC session. "Well, nothing changed this week. We didn't really talk about our M & my feelings haven't changed." Well, nothing changed because you won't talk to me & you won't do the M exercises you promised to do.

And that's why I'm not even thinking about filing or moving out right now. If she wants out of this M, she'll have to initiate it.

 

I already feel like I'm living "alone", even though we're under the same roof. I can do it for a while longer...until she decides to do something/anything.

 

I've said it a few times. She wants to come out of this smelling like a rose.

[Mr. Lucky]

To come out of it smelling good.

I was amazed at how important this was to my xW, to the point of seeing herself as a victim of my inability to forget about her cheating. It's alarming how much revisionist history is practiced in the dissolution of a marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

[etrain1234]

I agree. She seems 0% into saving the marriage and about 70% likely she is or wants to be having an affair. So why isn't she filing or admitting the marriage is over? To come out of it smelling good. Or because she can't be bothered right now while husband is making her feel wanted, even though she doesn't want him. Or because she knows it will happen soon enough, and she can wait. But mostly because she doesn't want to tell future suitors she divorced for no good reason, and she was never in love in the first place. That sounds bad. He divorced me and abandoned our child because he was crazy jealous over nothing or didn't want to save the marriage? That sounds much better.

Yep.

Only correction I'd make is about H making her feel wanted. I stopped doing that about a week or 2 ago. I'm still helping out around the house...as I should...but no more persuing, complementing, sucking up, or any of that nonsense. I've been keeping my distance & doing my own thing. No snooping or questioning where she's going. I'm trying the 180 technique I've been reading about & getting my life together in preperation for what is most likely going to happen.

[dbusch]

i, like you, have been told my W doesnt love me anymore. this is the second time in 2 years this has happened. the first time was when she was out of town visiting a cousin for a stay that lasted longer than it was supposed to. well, one night she got drunk and cheated on me with some guy that was there. she called me that night and told me, crying, and telling me she doesnt love me anymore. i was done, especially since we had an 20 mo. baby boy that was going to become a kid with split parents. amazingly, she called the next morning and told me she wanted to come home. she was extremely nice to me for probably a year, and then things went downhill again, until this past weekend i went out of town for work and came home to a letter about her wanting a separation. she told me she didnt love me anymore, again. she claims it is not for some guy that she is leaving, but i find that very hard to believe.

 

reason i am posting here is that i am also late thirties, and she is only 25. we got married when she was 19 and she tells me she married too young and didnt get to live her life like she wanted to.

 

its all so similar to the OP's situation. now my boy is almost 4 years old. my wife wants to stay away for a while and only wants our son on the weekends. hmmmm....

 

i wish i could look at her cellphone messages but she has it with her.

 

i guess i will just let things go as she wants and see what happens.

 

i hope the OP can get things worked out, even if that means divorce. closure is what is needed here.

[Baroness67]

Oh good god. I just found this forum today and wow.

 

Yes, I have had the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" and "I hope we are always best friends."

 

BS. There is someone else. That's just a fact I accept.

 

Question is, do you want to continue in your marriage and give it the best chance possible? You do have a young child. This was my choice, as my priority was the stability of my children and my lifestyle in general ... yes, my heart is broken ... but there is nothing positive for me to be saved by breaking up my family or lifestyle for the sake of my ... yes, broken heart. I am nearly 2 years into this now and am holding steady. My husband is still present and we are making our "new" marriage work. Would I like the old one back? Sure. But part of getting to be grown up - really, REALLY grown up - is learning you can't always have what you want when it involves another person, even if you are always good and work really, REALLY hard.

 

That's a slap in the face, true. But once you get it, it changes you for the better. Not the better for "feeling good" , but the better for your strength, which I think helps tide you over during worse times. Death, illness ... haven't had much of that in my life. I now thank the "affair" in a way for helping me prepare for worse. I now know I can get through so much more that I didn't believe I could, before.

 

I went through a stage where I was so shocked he would pull away from me that I did become a sycophantic wife. 'can I massage your back?' etc. It only served to make him more dick-like.

 

The dam burst for us several months ago when two things happened, which, unfortunately, I can't help you replicate, but they worked in my case.

 

1. He was caught out by people unrelated to me and rumors spread. He was potentially embarrassed at work etc. and the affair became not so much fun as a source of serious anxiety for him.

 

2. I took a month long vacation with half our kids, leaving him with the other half. He couldn't say that I had left and gone off on him, because I was actually traveling with children, but he couldn't go off himself and have a bachelor month, either, and had to realize what it was like to take care of kids and be a Dad.

 

That helped things turn around.

 

My being subservient and slavish with the love messages did NOT HELP. EVER.

 

That said, every so often I do send the random text, after not having heard from him for a day, "I just wanted to say I love you."

 

1. It's true.

2. He can't ever say in court that I turned away from him.

3. His lack of response is more evidence.

 

Cynical, I know.

[etrain1234]

It's been a while since I updated this. As time went on, I found more & more proof of an affair. More lies, emails, condoms in her car...even proof they went out on a "date" while I watched our son.

I confronted her about all of this & told her I wouldn't put up with that crap going on behind my back while we're married. This was a couple days after she said she was going to start looking for an apt so we were pretty much finished by then anyway.

 

To make a long story short, she is moving out tomorrow. We're calling it a seperation for now. W said she doesn't plan on filing for D right away. It makes financial sense for me to put off D as long as possible so I won't be filing either.

So far, we've agreed on pretty much everything...custody, finances, etc...without getting lawyers involved. Our son is young enough that the news didn't really bother him.

 

I'm actually glad to see her moving out. I'll be lonely, I'm sure. But I couldn't continue living like that. Now I need to get my life back.

[sumdude]

Just caught this thread. At your first post I knida knew how it would end. Sorry you're going through this. Been there, done that and have the t-shirt. You handled it pretty well so kudos to you. 90% of the time there's someone else.. just the way it is. 10 -1, that time a few years back when she realized she never loved you? When the 'depression' started? Probably a little affair there too. Would bet it was some total surprise one nighter.. Got her thinking.. about the grass on the other side. She didn't want to work at fixing things and decided it was all your fault without ever looking in the mirror.

 

Same s**t happened to me but I was blind to it or in denial. Now a couple years after it's said and done I can see it clearly.

 

It's not your fault man. You'll get through this to the other side and probably be better off anyway. Time will come when it won't really matter to you much though that may be hard to believe. Have to eventually find acceptance and even a modicum of forgiveness. In your case you'll have also to find some way to continue a distant yet working relationship with her because of your child.

Edited October 30, 2009 by sumdude

[The Midnight Rider]

It's been a while since I updated this. As time went on, I found more & more proof of an affair. More lies, emails, condoms in her car...even proof they went out on a "date" while I watched our son.

I confronted her about all of this & told her I wouldn't put up with that crap going on behind my back while we're married. This was a couple days after she said she was going to start looking for an apt so we were pretty much finished by then anyway.

 

To make a long story short, she is moving out tomorrow. We're calling it a seperation for now. W said she doesn't plan on filing for D right away. It makes financial sense for me to put off D as long as possible so I won't be filing either.

So far, we've agreed on pretty much everything...custody, finances, etc...without getting lawyers involved. Our son is young enough that the news didn't really bother him.

 

I'm actually glad to see her moving out. I'll be lonely, I'm sure. But I couldn't continue living like that. Now I need to get my life back.

 

 

I've read your entire thread and you have my condolences. I know this is gonna be rough on you for a while. I know this is easier said than done, but knuckle down and just keep doing the best you can. Be sure not to dump your anger into somebody else (some other broad) or something else (liquor or drugs). It never works out well. Keep us informed of your progress and my God be with you. We're all rooting for you!

[seibert253]

180 time my friend.

Go LC, no conversations at all about anything but kid and finances. Nothing else.

If you have and joint financial accounts, close them and open seperate ones.

If you have joint credit cards, close them IMMEDIATELY. Don't let her go on a spending spree and you end up paying for it.

Time for you to be the best you and the best dad you can be. You tried to be the best husband, she didn't want that. Eventually she see this, but usually by then it's too late.

You deserve all her attention or someone elses. That someone else may turn out to be better than the first.

 

Peace, Good Luck, and God Bless

 

Keep us updated.

[bloggervenus]

Totally agree with some earlier comments about the fact that you need to become "desirable" again, and being all nice and helpful around the house is NOT going to do the trick. In fact, it will make it worse. The possibility of affair is very real, but that is not the root of the problem, it is just one of the outcomes. You absolutely need to NOT be needy and clingy at this point. You need to become masculine and powerful. You can talk to her, but make sure you are kind but not weak. Mark your boundaries. Show her that you won't take **** from her. Women do not desire men that they can easily manipulate. Trust me. I am saying this as a a woman who does not love her husband that way!

 

Two books I have read recently and recommend to everyone are, "Mating in Captivity" by Esther Perel and "Women's Infidelity" by Michelle Langley.

Good luck to you. I hope that whatever is the best for both of you unfolds. Sometimes these things help make marriages stronger.