So happiness CANT depend on Someone else?

[9Lives]

So basically what I am hearing is that my happiness cannot depend on someone else. I mean that is great and I believe it but I dont know if that is right or not.

 

I feel like if I am in a relationship that is a BIG part of my happiness. I guess being that way is not good.

 

One thing I have noticed about human beings is that they change. When change comes..especially in a relationship....you have no control over that persons decision. They may deicde to leave you at any moment. It is just like wierd to me.

 

I think it is best to not get emotionally bankrupt with anyone cause you never know what is going to happen. Death trap!!

 

I think you should love but love yourself more and most!!!

 

your thoughts

[Confused_Chump]

I've learned in the past little while that it is very dangerous to rely on your significant other (SO) as your main source for happiness. Like you said, you never know when they might leave your life and when they do you'll most likely end up in a wreck. That's why I now believe that one should find happiness in themselves first and that a SO should be a source to enhance your happiness rather than be THE source. By being happy with yourself, you'll come off as an individual that is confident, strong and capable. I mean, how can you expect to make your SO happy if you're not happy with yourself? Thus, I truly feel that:

- In order to love, you must first love yourself

- In order to make another happy, you must first be happy with yourself

 

However, I am not going to lie. I still firmly believe that the happiness you gain from loving and being loved is matched by no other, that's why it can be so easy to fall into the trap of relying on someone as my source of happiness.

 

But even with this new mindset, I am pretty sure that all breakups will be painful because of all the other factors (e.g emotional attachment) that comes with a relationship. But by having a good understanding of who you are and what you believe in, you may be able to heal from your wounds quicker than those that heavily relied on their SO as their main source of happiness.

[lammie]

As Eckhart Tolle said, and also from my sister and her fiancé:

 

You want to share your happiness with the other person in a relationship, not sucking happiness out of them.

 

It is easier to start a relationship when you're in a better place, just be a positive person about everything! Remember you are allowed to have a past, but don't make it baggage for the new person in the relationship to clean up!

 

Having said that, it's easier said than done, trust me. I have to remind myself all the time to have more faith in the relationship, and try to live the "now" and not the past – not letting past hurt, or bad relationship to affect me on this one.

[9Lives]

I've learned in the past little while that it is very dangerous to rely on your significant other (SO) as your main source for happiness. Like you said, you never know when they might leave your life and when they do you'll most likely end up in a wreck. That's why I now believe that one should find happiness in themselves first and that a SO should be a source to enhance your happiness rather than be THE source. By being happy with yourself, you'll come off as an individual that is confident, strong and capable. I mean, how can you expect to make your SO happy if you're not happy with yourself? Thus, I truly feel that:

- In order to love, you must first love yourself

- In order to make another happy, you must first be happy with yourself

 

However, I am not going to lie. I still firmly believe that the happiness you gain from loving and being loved is matched by no other, that's why it can be so easy to fall into the trap of relying on someone as my source of happiness.

 

But even with this new mindset, I am pretty sure that all breakups will be painful because of all the other factors (e.g emotional attachment) that comes with a relationship. But by having a good understanding of who you are and what you believe in, you may be able to heal from your wounds quicker than those that heavily relied on their SO as their main source of happiness.

 

Well what I think it means is during the course of the relationship you have to remember that YOU ARE STILL no 1. What I mean is that you cant lose your self respect, your respect in that position, and yourself period.

 

Sometimes I think we put up with nonsense when we should have put our foot down and said to that person. Im not having it.

 

You have to stay number one and not love someone more than you love yourself. I have been very guilty of that and I work on it everyday to make sure I dont play myself again. I could have saved myself alot of pain by making decisions that were in my best interest instead of just going with the flow for the most part. I wont be going that route again. Does that make sense

[Confused_Chump]

As Eckhart Tolle said, and also from my sister and her fiancé:

 

You want to share your happiness with the other person in a relationship, not sucking happiness out of them.

 

It is easier to start a relationship when you're in a better place, just be a positive person about everything! Remember you are allowed to have a past, but don't make it baggage for the new person in the relationship to clean up!

 

Having said that, it's easier said than done, trust me. I have to remind myself all the time to have more faith in the relationship, and try to live the "now" and not the past – not letting past hurt, or bad relationship to affect me on this one.

 

Yes, I totally agree that you want to share your happiness with your partner and not suck the happiness out of them.

 

I am currently trying my best to get over loosing someone that I dearly loved but didn't realize it until she was gone. It's tough to forgive myself for the pain that I've caused her. But in order for me to attain peace, I too have to remind myself to live the "now" and not the pass. As humans we can only look forward and move on. In doing so, I feel it is important that we sincerely learn from our mistakes or else we would just end up walking the same path again and again...

[Confused_Chump]

Well what I think it means is during the course of the relationship you have to remember that YOU ARE STILL no 1. What I mean is that you cant lose your self respect, your respect in that position, and yourself period.

 

Sometimes I think we put up with nonsense when we should have put our foot down and said to that person. Im not having it.

 

You have to stay number one and not love someone more than you love yourself. I have been very guilty of that and I work on it everyday to make sure I dont play myself again. I could have saved myself alot of pain by making decisions that were in my best interest instead of just going with the flow for the most part. I wont be going that route again. Does that make sense

 

I guess there are several meanings to "not love someone more than you love yourself". Sometimes it's easy to follow this statement, but at times it can be also difficult. I'll bring up some examples and maybe everyone can chime in.

 

1) I think putting up with a partner is a natural part of a relationship, as long as it doesn't get out of control. By that I mean you having to sacrifice your own wellbeing for the sake of theirs on a constant basis. This is not a healthy relationship because you're jeopardizing your own happiness. So in this sense, I guess it's better that you don't love someone else more than yourself.

 

2) But let say you're in a store and you come across two items, one is something you've been eyeing for an extremely long time while the other is something your partner has been looking at. You only have enough money to buy one item, which would you buy? So in this sense, do you go and love yourself by picking up the item you want or do you wish to see your partner happy and get the item for them simply because you love them so much that you rather see them happy.

 

What I am trying to get at is that when you're in a relationship, your parnter in a way has to be your number 1 priority. You have to show them care and compassion. Sometimes that may mean you'll have to give up some of the things you want or put up with nonsense to a certain degree. But as long as you are able to maintain a sense of who you are and don't become insecure with yourself, I think it's okay to at times love someone else more than yourself.

[Trialbyfire]

Consider when you feel happy and confident inside. It's now time to socialize. Do you ever notice that you draw more people to you? Do you also notice that during these times, as you're working the party, some individuals feed the connection and conversation, where others suck it dry and you can't wait to get away from them?

[0hpenelope]

Consider when you feel happy and confident inside. It's now time to socialize. Do you ever notice that you draw more people to you? Do you also notice that during these times, as you're working the party, some individuals feed the connection and conversation, where others suck it dry and you can't wait to get away from them?

 

YES.

 

OP, I agree that we have to depend on ourselves to be happy and not depend on anyone or anything else to make us feel that way. I'm actually reading a book right now titled "Destructive Emotions: A Scientific Dialogue with the Dalai Lama." Something I picked up from a used bookstore a few weeks ago and what a treasure it turned out to be! It's not a light read; I intend to write in a journal to keep track of my observations as I go along because the Dalai Lama's message about self-love is a fundamental lesson that I want to apply to my own life.

 

Also, I'm of the opinion that any relationship that serves to enhance my happiness is a good relationship for me. The last time I allowed a relationship to define my happiness, it had a terrible outcome. That's one ride I will pass on in the future.

[dmarisca]

I have always been trying to meet someone to make me happy. May be now I understood that happiness is within you.

[TaraMaiden]

As HH the Dalai Lama has been mentioned, i think it legitimate that I could perhaps add a perspective....

 

As Buddhists, we are occasionally viewed as being pessimistic, because the very first - and ultimately, most important - aspect, of the very first and most important teaching the Buddha ever gave was that -

"Life is dhukka".

 

Now, the word 'dhukka' has been translated as 'suffering' or 'Unsatisfactory'... but translation from the ancient language of Pali, is complicated, because it largely depends on context...

 

(Consider the word 'post'..... many meanings, depending on context..... that's what I mean.....)

 

'Dhukka' broadly speaking, means that life is.... woefully inadequate at giving us what we want when we want it.

 

The second teaching is that the reason we get upset at this, is because we cling, grasp and fervently desire everything wonderful to last for ever, and we cling, grasp and fervently desire everything that is not wonderful to either end immediately (to our advantage) or never happen at all.

 

Both desires are unrealistic, because Life ain't like that.

 

So (I'm getting there)we 'train' ourselves to becoming accustomed to thinking the following:

 

Life is wonderful right now, but this too shall pass, so enjoy it to the full as things are!

Life is dreadful right now, but this too shall pass, so endure it as well as you can as things are!

 

If we become accustomed to this mind-set, and accept that life ebbs and flows, is up and down, good and bad, happy, sad, joyful and angry - but find a stable settling in the middle of it all....

Then we have achieved happiness and contentment within ourselves, and we can be serene in the face of whatever befalls us.

 

That's why our happiness CAN'T depend on someone else.

 

Because they are an impermanent fixture in our lives, whether this is 10 months, or 10 years.

 

The only thing that sticks around with us permanently, start to finish - is us.

And if we can't be happy with our closest companion - (us) - how can we then ever hope to find happiness in someone else?

[lino]

I feel like if I am in a relationship that is a BIG part of my happiness.

 

 

Me too, well I imagine it would be anyway. I've never been in a serious one so I don't yet know how good it is.

 

Each passing year makes me less and less optimistic

[Trialbyfire]

Also, I'm of the opinion that any relationship that serves to enhance my happiness is a good relationship for me. The last time I allowed a relationship to define my happiness, it had a terrible outcome. That's one ride I will pass on in the future.

That's a great way to describe the difference. If you're always relying on someone to make you happy, you're always taking. Two need to feed a relationship with positive energy, not because you have to but because it comes naturally and you want to. Relationships shouldn't be consistently difficult. If they are, either you're with the wrong person or you're in a bad state of mind.

[kizik]

If you rely on other people for anything - you will end up unhappy after a devastating string of disappointments.

 

Everyone in this life looks after himself only, and people will leave you in order to pursue their own happiness.

 

If you are self-sufficient, you will find happiness in feeling 100% in charge of your life and your emotions.

[Tayla]

kizik- excellent advise and to the point.

 

thank you for validating that.

 

The irony is when you do find your own happiness it overflows towards others. Its contagious!

 

The bad part is some folks get hooked on that *feeling* and leech onto you.

[9Lives]

 

2) But let say you're in a store and you come across two items, one is something you've been eyeing for an extremely long time while the other is something your partner has been looking at. You only have enough money to buy one item, which would you buy? So in this sense, do you go and love yourself by picking up the item you want or do you wish to see your partner happy and get the item for them simply because you love them so much that you rather see them happy.

 

Well I am going to come from the heart. If I really want it and i dont want to get the gift for my mate...I wont do it because I have made sacrifices for my man and even my child and it wasnt appreciated. I dont want to live in regret anymore.

 

I believe when you make yourself happy you can be a better person to others. it has to be a balance. I want to be a good hearted person but i want to be true to myself. if i dont like something, I wont put up with it for long cause in the end It seems like every man for himself. People just leave you regardless of how it breaks you into pieces. I see it all day long around here.

[shaunwu]

Aaron and Angie has been together for about 2 years and they have always been a loving couple throughout. One day, while walking along the street, Angie noticed some nugget-sized rocks falling out from a building on construction and she screamed. Worried for Angie and no time to avoid, he dived to hug her and ended up lying on the ground while Angie was on top of him. Angie suffered from mild bruises, stood up from the ground. Feeling furious for what Aaron had done, she ran away while Aaron was still lying on the floor. For the first 3 days, she refused to answer any calls from Aaron on her mobile for she is still furious for what he had done. However, on the 4th day, she received an SMS from Aaron's parents - "Aaron's left..." Angie broke down...

 

Later, she found out from his parents that on the day of accident, Aaron not only noticed the falling rocks but also nails on the ground which were even more dangerous, thus, he scarificed himself by hugging Angie and falling down on his back. Unfortunately, two nails went into his skull and he was admitted to the hospital an hour later.

 

Hi 9lives,

 

This is a real story from Taiwan many years ago. Sometimes, people tend to take things for granted, however, when everything's lost, they realized that it's too late. There are such people and plenty of them around. It takes time for them to change and understand.

 

In the culture I am living in, I have always been scolded and caned everyday by my parents. It took me 8 years to finally understand that my parents meant well for me. They felt a great sense of appreciation when they saw me grew up to a successful person today. Till now, they never ask for a single thing but just want me to be strong and confident in whatever I do.

 

I hereby encourage you to learn and continue to be a willing party to always shower your love and care to everyone. Try at least for a start. Give without asking anything back and tell yourself you have done good. Show your child the proper love and care especially for it will impact their future when he/she grows up.

[9Lives]

 

Hi 9lives,

 

This is a real story from Taiwan many years ago. Sometimes, people tend to take things for granted, however, when everything's lost, they realized that it's too late. There are such people and plenty of them around. It takes time for them to change and understand.

 

In the culture I am living in, I have always been scolded and caned everyday by my parents. It took me 8 years to finally understand that my parents meant well for me. They felt a great sense of appreciation when they saw me grew up to a successful person today. Till now, they never ask for a single thing but just want me to be strong and confident in whatever I do.

 

I hereby encourage you to learn and continue to be a willing party to always shower your love and care to everyone. Try at least for a start. Give without asking anything back and tell yourself you have done good. Show your child the proper love and care especially for it will impact their future when he/she grows up.

 

thanks for the post. Very informative. Love IS me!! i will share my love with the world but I wont sacrifice myself anymore for others cause then I am not loving myself and I cant let that happen anymore if I can help it. I know people make mistakes and I cant control everything and I am not trying but I want to be happy and I dont want to put myself down to make others happy and feel like I have been used instead of appreciated. I just dont get that. I believe in goodness but some people just suck the life and good right out of you just because they can and go on like you were insignificant. I hate that

[Nikki Sahagin]

I've let my love for an ex define me before as in I lost passion for everything else - he was the sole source. I think when you are madly, crazily in love (and also young) everything else dulls a little and loses light because this person is shining so brightly. I didn't really want to go clubbing, go on holiday without him, do anything much without him and so I lost a massive part of my identity, character, personality - the things he liked about me to begin with. But I think it can be hard to not let someone define your happiness especially when you do not fully know what makes you happy - just that this person does. I don't know the key to my own happiness yet.

[Maoky]

I agree with Nikki. It's probably just my naivety since I'm still young, but so far in my relationships, I've pretty much made them the source of my happiness and dulled down my passion for other things; sometimes even taking myself away from my friends.

 

I don't know what defines me yet, so I tend to let others define me, and I know that over time as I mature, I'll start to gain my own identity and be able to share my own happiness with others, instead of becoming dependent upon others and eventually becoming heartbroken every time.