depressed and emotionally abused mom

[countryoftwo]

I'm not even sure where to start here...

 

Background is: My mom divorced my dad when I was a baby, and she was still very young, early 20s. He was an alcoholic, probably bipolar, and abusive. As soon as he became physically abusive, she divorced him.

 

When I was in my early teens, she met her second husband. He was a former alcoholic, but sober when my mom met him. He was emotionally abusive to both of us. But since I was a child/teenager, I didn't realize it and believed both he and my mom when they told me it was my fault. I should just "be able to get along with him" and everything would be ok.

 

When I was 18, she found out that he had been stealing from her and racking up enormous gambling debts that she then had to deal with. She decided to separate, sell the house, and move far away to move in with my grandmother while she decided what to do next. He then somehow manipulated his way back in and moved with her, and they've been together, more or less, for the last 10 years.

 

It took me many years of therapy to see what had really happened, and to learn how to forgive both of them, and to enjoy the wonderful life I have now. I'm happily married, with our first child on the way.

 

SO now: Although I've escaped this guy, my mom has not. She is convinced that if she leaves him, she'll be "a two-time loser". Her self-esteem is zero, to the point that she can't make the tiniest decisions for herself. She is isolated, has no friends, and rarely leaves the house. Needless to say, she's depressed. I have tried to talk to her about why she's depressed, what she can do to make it better, etc, and she shuts down and refuses to discuss anything about her situation with me. If she admits there's any kind of problem, then it opens the whole can of worms that she just can't bear to deal with.

 

His abuse is so subtle and insidious, that not a lot of people besides my grandmother and I see it. My grandmother has given up on trying to address the problems with her, because she fought with her years ago about what a dick he is, but it only made my mom more distant and she doesn't want to jeopardize their relationship any more.

 

It's clear and obvious to me that she longs to have close friendships and a loving family, but her denial of her problems makes a lot of that impossible. It's like pulling teeth to try and get her to come visit, or to visit any of our other family, and she tries to make me feel guilty about not coming to see her enough. She always claims she doesn't have the money, or the vacation time, or whatever. They are all lame excuses.

 

She is so sensitive and insecure that most anything I or my grandmother say to her gets a sarcastic or defensive response, no matter how well-intentioned or benign our statements or questions are. She tries to pretend everything is ok, but she's carrying around so much pain. It's impossible to hide, and intereferes with any hope of us having the close relationship she longs for.

 

I'm only a few months pregnant with our first child and I already forsee problems once the baby is born. She's going to refuse to come to my house more than once or twice a year, and then guilt trip me about how she wishes she could see her grandchild more, it's so unfair that i live closer to my in-laws and they get to see him/her all the time, etc. She lives about 12 hours away and has mentioned several times that she's thought about moving back to be closer, but when I tried to bring that up as a real possibility, it ended in an awful fight that we still have not really recovered from. She will talk with me now about how my pregnancy is going, but all other topics are off the table and our conversations are stilted and awkward.

 

She used to be a very strong woman, and raised me on her own for many years, and she's now a shell of that person. She doesn't have anyone else in her life that can help her, but if she refuses to even discuss it, how can I ever get anywhere? She needs friends, therapy, positive influences in her life, and a divorce (like, 10 YEARS AGO). My grandmother and I are really worried about her depression, her health, and her safety. She is so distracted by all the crap going on in her head that she barely pays attention when she's driving or doing things around the house. I don't know what kind of catastrophe it's going to take to wake her up, but I feel I need to intervene before something terrible happens.

 

I feel like there must be something I can do to break through. I have considered buying the book "The Emotionally Abused Woman" and leaving it at her house with a short note next time I visit. My husband is coming with me on this next visit and we're going to attempt to talk to her about expectations for how much we'll be visiting, how much we would like to have her in the baby's life, which would involve visiting more. I know that I need to lay down the law that with a new baby, we're not going to be travelling to see her as much and will just not be able to bend over backward to accomodate her excuses and conditions. I love her and have been trying to do what she wants, but my patience is wearing thin, putting of my needs for her. I feel like the parent, and she is the child.

 

Most of the advice I have heard is to take care of myself and my mental state, and not let her problems become my own. That there's nothing I can do if she doesn't want help. On some level, I get that, but I am up for something radical, as the status quo is pretty terrible. I feel like I am always trying to soothe her, to go along with the idea that everything is ok, but she has to realize that there are consequences for ignoring the problem. The elephant in the room is so big there's no room left for us.

[Ronni_W]

I think...whatever "radical something" you can think of, why not give it a try? But, if you can, don't raise your expectations too high that somehow this time she will "see the light".

 

I do get your caring and your concern. But this is what your mom has chosen and is choosing for herself. As difficult and painful as it will be for you, sometimes it is just about accepting the unwise decisions of those we love...no matter how much they are suffering as a consequence.

 

The thing in your post that she's given you to work with, is her fear of becoming "a two-time loser." If you can help her to see that she will NOT be a two-time loser if she makes self-affirming choices, then you might have a chance of helping her to want to make any changes that she will determine she wants to make.

Kind of, help her to realize what "winner" choices and decisions look and feel like; what she will be, do and have as a result: close friendships, etc. (List all the experiences and feelings that SHE has identified that she wants in her life.)

[countryoftwo]

Thanks for the sound advice. You're right, I need to manage my expectations about her reaction. I will try to focus on the positive things that will come into her life as a result of dumping that giant negative.

 

It seems like things had to get to a crisis point the last few times she decided to leave. I think she must know things are bad, but fixing it seems scarier to her than just "making do". She has this pollyana view that she should just "make lemonade when life gives you lemons", but the reality is, if the lemons are rotten, throw those babies out and go buy yourself some fruit you actually like. Gahhh, it's so obvious to me it makes my brain hurt that she's still with this scumbag.

[Ronni_W]

Hugs. I do understand your pain and frustration.

 

"Something radical" might be inviting her to a 'high self-esteem' workshop or seminar with you. Scheduling it may take some sacrifice on your part, but the results *may* be worth it.

 

Much more radical might be that you tell her, clearly and lovingly, that you cannot bear to see her so depressed and unhappy anymore, and you have decided it is safer for your own heart to just love her from a distance and in silence. You would assure her that you will be there for her if/whenever she is ready to choose happiness and fulfillment for her everyday experiences; will help her find a good therapist, etc.

In the end, something like that (a firm "tough love" approach) is the only thing over which you have total power and control. It's super-difficult to pull off, though -- you may need your own therapist to ensure that you don't end up feeling guilty and like the 'wicked daughter of the west'.

 

It's not that you need to stop caring...but you can choose to start being more accepting of her life choices and decisions, even though it is not what you would have her choose for herself. Maybe it's about forgiving her for her choices? And also forgiving yourself for not having any power to do anything about it?

 

---

 

A challenge that you have is that SHE thinks she is "making lemonade."

But the best lemonade is delicious and refreshing and sweet, and her life doesn't sound like that. So, maybe it could be more beneficial to acknowledge that yes, she was born with excellent "lemons" but, in life, has been adding a "weird ingredient" that is turning her "lemonade" into...some arsenic-laced concoction that hurts you to see when she drinks it.

 

That is, use her own terminology and what SHE currently believes-perceives...and hopefully that'll help her to not feel that she needs to change SO much that the mere thought is overwhelming to her.

 

Best of luck...I know how difficult it is to be a witness to this.