9 Year relationship! , Stressed, Uncertain!

[SteelArtist]

Well, this is the first time me going on here writing a post. So go easy on me.

 

Here goes. I have been in a relationship the past 9 years. We have had our ups and downs. Good times, bad times. We both met when we were in college but went to different colleges that were 3 hours away from each other. We grew up two towns over from each other and met at a local restaurant where we worked. I was dating a girl for 3 years before I met her. My last relationship was a great experience but I needed to move on and mature. When I broke up with my last relationship I said to myself that I would go and find/create myself and be a man before I go into another relationship. Well, 2-3 weeks later I am dating the girl I am with now.

 

It was great at first. She was different. She stood tall, very independent. I was attracted by her energy. We hung out and it was great but I felt like I was cheating or something because I had just broken up a 3 year relationship. We dated through college (I would visit her every other weekend). We had things in common (although I think we do). We decided to try and move in with each other after we were both done with school. We were both originally from the suburbs of southern NY and decided to move up to northern NY in a very rural area. We were big into the outdoors and wanted to try something different. We figured we would try it for a few months and here we are living in the same area after 8 years.

 

Everything has been great and/or not great these past years. I know no one is perfect. I'm not. We live far away from our families but we somehow have managed. We don't have many friends and the people where we live are somewhat anti-social. We do live in a beautiful area but with hardly any culture. I tried getting work in the area but was too tough, so I went back to school at a local college. She has always had better luck finding work. I have not. I love to work though, it keeps me sane.

 

After finishing 2 degrees in my local college, things started to change for me or maybe they were there all along. I started to realize that I wanted more in life. I want interaction, culture, a place to grow with and build a foundation. A place that would give back just as much or more than what I have put into. I was going out with college friends (who have all moved away). I was becoming attractive to other girls but I never cheated on her. I am not that kind of guy at all. I would notice that I had a whole other life at college that my partner was not part of. I tried to make her part of it but she felt somewhat jealous of it. I started to really notice a side of her that I didn't notice before but my family and friends noticed. She would have a cold attitude towards my friends especially the ones that know me the longest. Childhood friends. She hates when my last girl friends name pops up. Ok, I can understand that but I hardly ever talk to her and she was a past experience. I wouldn't be the person I am today if it wasn't for my last relationship.

 

After all these years I feel she still does not trust me. She can be very controlling. Every time we visit our families, her family comes first, dinners, lunch-ins, etc. When I say that I want to go to my parents house I get an roll of the eyes or she will go out with her mother or friend instead. When she is at my families place she walk around with a puss on her face, but then she becomes friendly after a while. Everyone notices it. I know my family is very laid back but so are hers. Actually her parents were all hippies when they were young. How much more laid back can you get!!!

 

Everything has to be completely structured with her and on a time line or schedule. She complains that my parents never gave me recognition and the support I needed. Ok, my parents were not perfect people either. We had a hard up bringing and moved from place to place. I am also multi-cultural, my father is from the states and my mother is from Latin America. My family and I are very easy going people. Her family is great too but sometimes totally up tight. They are never wrong, ever (that's what they believe). Even if I am right they tiss and leave the room. For me, these little things mean so much to me and a relationship. I also feel that you don't only date or marry the partner, you also include the family. I started to notice things more and more. I also feel that I am not attractive to her as I use to be. I am starting to feel that I want something more. I hate living soooo far away from my family, friends and action. We feel alone up here. I feel that if we were living closer to them or in an area where we had more interaction with other people that I might not even be in this relationship anymore. That we have depended on each other because we live so far away and have no one else up here.

 

Three years ago we bought a house. I was scared in buying a house. I literally pull over on the side of the road when I was on my way to sign the mortgage papers. I could not stop shaking. I was all confused. No one knew we were doing this. When we finalized the agreement with the sellers, she asked my to marry her in the Realtor's office. I frozed and said ok. Her mom was visiting and waiting at our town house that we were renting from my family. Oh yeah, our first place we stayed at was own by my family (Vacation home). Our second place was a condo that I agree with my parents that i would pay the mortgage as rent to them but it would be own by my whole family. My parents did so much for us. To help us in having a decent place to live. Her parents have helped in other ways along the way. She only want to have live in a place that she we own. I totally understand that but if we get married my familes places will be ours too.

 

That's the other thing. Her parents let her move away with me and they never get together with my parents. They live two towns over. Doesn't that seem odd? I couldn't believe that I proposed to her or wait she proposed to me in a Realtor's office. I had no ring or anything. I can see why she did it because "hey you are buying a house with this girl, shouldn't you be thinking marriage?" Now we have been ingaged for three years and I am still not sure. Everyone tells me to "**** or get off the pot." I know this but it is not easy. There is so much tied up together. I have been stressed, depressed and scared and angry. I know have high blood pressure and my doctor says I need to be more active.

 

She is a great girl and my family says to me that she compliments me and maybe she does but why don't I feel that sometimes? I am not as attractive to her as I use to be. We argue about everything. She does support me in my decisions. She helps us with the fiances even if I have a hard time bringing in the dough. I do care about her and love her but I can't seem to commit to getting married. We are not getting any younger and she wants to have kids right after we get married. I know her clock is ticking. I think I can hear it. I just never thought it would be like this.

 

There is something inside of me that strongly believes that there is something else out there. I know this sound totally selfish but I am fell like I am looking for something but don't know what exactly. I am attractive to other women but will they have the good qualities as my fiance has? I am so confused and have to make up my mind now. Is it me? I know we have gone this far. Some people get married and don't last 3 years. I wondering if it is an attraction thing and family thing. Any help or suggestions?