does boyfriend have the right to tell me what to do?

[zingy'd]

well here i go again....sigh..

we have been getting along pretty good lately.

i am still having my days of missing drama and what nots.

 

i have been doing alot of house cleaning and making some good money for the upcoming holidays and paying the house bills as we've agreed.

 

the last two weeks i have worked, cleaning homes an average of five hours a day.

i am tired and burnt out right now.

 

i had off today only, (sunday). monday i have a job, tuesday i have my deliever route job, wednesday i need to clean my own home for thanksgiving since we are having family here this year.

 

i wanted to ask my daughter to do this job for me tomorrow as i am so tired and burnt out feeling today.

 

yes maybe by then i will feel more recovered but still i wanted to ask one of my daughters if they would like to do the job tomorrow, they would earn the money as well.

 

when i mentioned this to my boyfriend he threw a fit! mind you he has been in counseling now for anger/stress manangement and has been doing extremely well till today now.

 

he said that i should go anyway to make up for all those days that i did not have work. that he works every day so i should too..., that if i don't go he don't want to hear me bitching about not having money for christmas or vegas or anything!!!

 

he was yelling at me the whole time about the whole thing via voice mail on my cell phone.

 

before he left the house though, he yelled at me that he was taking the computer to the shop tomorrow cause i've been spending the better part of ten hours a day on the computer.

 

yes i did yesterday cause i was having problems with it and trying to fix them. that and he bought me a new camera phone cause my old phone was not working properly.

 

so i was experimenting with it and then he bought a new sony DVD handycam that i spend hours trying to figure out and ordering some DVD decoder to view the pictures on the computer.

 

so it was not like it was all fun and games anyway, it was things that he bought that i had to try to figger out as well.

 

so when he was leaving this morning i was trying to show him my day planner for last week cause he says i only worked three jobs last week and i was trying to show him that i had five as he was going out the door.

 

he did not care anyway cause he was just plain ole pissed. so i closed the door cause it did not close all the way and he thinks/thought i closed it on him and yelled through the door at me "fxck you"!

 

that really hurt...ouch..anyway don't i have any right here to decide if i want to take a day off from work?

 

so he does not even start work till 10:00 as part of his stress management therapy so he wont get so stressed.

 

he is self employed and does what he wants when he wants. i am also self employed and as long as i pay the bills that i am to pay what business is it of his anyway?

 

am i wrong here? is he right? how better can i handle this situation?

again i am thinking of the leaving him fantasy from all this crap today.

 

thanks for any help;advice.

[moimeme]

I can't tell from your post if you are actually 'self-employed' or not. I thought you worked for your bf's relatives?

 

The fact is this; even if you are self-employed, if you are expected to turn up someplace, you should turn up someplace. If you get into a pattern of taking days off because you are 'stressed', people will quit hiring you and your business will dry up.

 

Instead of wearing yourself out the rest of today and continuing to think about how stressed and tired you are, why don't you do things to renew yourself? Eat well, take some naps, and take care of yourself so you'll arise bright and energetic and ready to work tomorrow.

 

As for your boyfriend, he doesn't have a right to 'tell you what to do', but if he sees that you are doing things which are not all that wise (such as taking lots of days off work), he certainly can suggest you rethink your decision. Certainly if he is paying most of the bills, he might feel that you are taking advantage of him by making him pay without contributing much money at all. And you would be. It is my opinion that if an adult female can work and is not staying home to take care of the kids, then she ought to do her equal share in paying the costs of their life together.

 

Really, though, it does seem as though you might wish to do some work on your work ethic. It was understandable that you took the day off with your daughter's emergency, but working two weeks of five-hour days is not at all a lot of work. Perhaps you should see your physician to see if you have a physical reason for so often feeling 'tired and burnt-out'. Or maybe you're just bored of the job and don't really want to go?

 

Really, Zingy, part of being an adult is being stuck doing stuff you hate - including going to a job day after day. With luck, eventually you will get yourself a job you like to go to, but it will be good for you to make yourself do stuff even if you don't want to do it. So spend the day taking care of your tiredness and your burnt-outness and roll on back to work tomorrow. After a while, going to work becomes a habit that you get used to and you'll find it easier to get going every day.

[moimeme]

Huh? LOL! Flipped posts! I'm not psychic - Zingy's question used to be before my reply LOL.

[zing'd]

but the question really was did he have a right to go off on me like he did?

i do work for his brother as well, doing my route twice a week, and i still do that as well.

 

i am a very meticilous perfectionist house cleaner when i clean these peoples home, so i work very hard and my fingers constantly ache to even bend them, my back hurts from being stooped over, etc.

 

that is what is burnt out, my poor ole body. i HAVE been doing my fair share of contributing to the house hold.

 

i pay all the bills that i am to pay and have been buying some groceries where he hardly buys any food anymore.

 

sometimes we sit here with absolutely nothing in this house to eat and i don't know why he wont buy food, even when i buy food he rarely does anymore, but he eats at work all day and buys food for himself at work and eats there.

 

so i buy some food, not a whole lot because we eat mostly low carb foods so it is hard to buy a lot of groceries at one time cause most of it does not keep for long periods, cottage cheese, meats, eggs, etc...

 

so i buy them anyway, but he buys them for himself at work. so i will stop at burger king and have a salad say for lunch or something and a peanut butter sandwich for dinner or what ever i can scrounge up around the house...he will buy all this fish (i hate fish) and cook that for himself...

 

anyway..i am always willing to go to my cleaning jobs, but i am just in need of a lonnnng rest!

 

i have a very busy week coming up too! my niece is coming on thursday from minnesota and staying till sunday, so that is extra work as well.

 

i guess what really makes me mad is that i feel i don't have any choices anymore. as long as i do what he says and what he wants we get along just fine..

 

if i veer off the path then there is a price to pay and i don't think nor feel that that is fair to me or anyone else.

 

but i do fully understand exactly what you said about everything else..

[moimeme]

but the question really was did he have a right to go off on me like he did?

 

Not really but he does have anger problems and frustrations of his own and is clearly still not expert at managing these things. It is really up to you how much of him being troubled you can take. It requires a good deal of patience and understanding to live with people with issues like that - and with issues like yours. That you are succeeding at all is amazing.

 

But maybe if the anger courses never really 'take', you will one day decide that life without him is better than with.

Don't make the decision lightly, and maybe give the guy a chance to finish the course and do better first but you may have to make that decision someday.

[zingy'd]

what you say is true. i think about it quite frequently. even if he became the most peaceful guy on earth i still feel sometimes that i am just not totally happy.

 

sometimes i am just so much happier being alone and i like it when he is gone and i have the house to myself.

 

even without my need for drama on days when i am not thinking of wishing i had some drama in my life, i still feel this way.

 

there are so many things that irritate me about him, maybe it is just me, who knows.

 

i am sure there are plenty of things about me that irritate him as well but he does not kick me out or end our relationship so i end up thinking that maybe i am wrong for feeling this way, since he does not give me the boot but i feel like walking when he acts certain ways.

 

he has this habit of always saying these little mushy things to me, that are so annoying!

 

i know some girls would die for that, but after all these years of hearing how beautiful i am, how sweet my smile is, how lovely my profile is, blah blah blah...

 

i am tired of hearing them! i feel obligated to say something back in kind of the same nature or at least say "thank you", so i feel that i am always saying "thank you" or something back equally nice to him.

 

this is tiriing after a while..and i have tried very gently to tell him that because he says these things so much they lose their meaning.

 

he was at least not offended by it, in fact i can point blank insult this guy and he would LAUGH HARD about it!

 

i can never figure out if that is powerful self-esteem or egotistical! what ever it is is so annoying.

 

in some ways like that i have tried to be like him. in some ways i tried to use him as a role model.

 

i think maybe the way i feel about this or that is not the right way so maybe his way is the right way cause he is so not bothered by anything but stress related work.

 

i think along the way i've gotten either so opinionated or defensive that alot of what he says i am always debating with him or defending it what ever "it" may be, and it annoys the hell out of meee!

 

sometimes i close my eyes and see myself getting on that ole greyhound bus then i get freaked out and stop cause i know i'm never going to leave here/him cause it hurts too much and it would hurt him too.

 

i think of him being alone in the house and feeling hurt and used from me and i feel so ashamed for it all.

 

if i can drive him to his last nerve and he does not leave me, then who i am to leave him when he does things i don't like?!

 

whew! got a load off there! LOL..

[befuddled1]

he has this habit of always saying these little mushy things to me, that are so annoying!

 

i know some girls would die for that, but after all these years of hearing how beautiful i am, how sweet my smile is, how lovely my profile is, blah blah blah...

 

i am tired of hearing them! i feel obligated to say something back in kind of the same nature or at least say "thank you", so i feel that i am always saying "thank you" or something back equally nice to him.

 

Good God almighty! Do you EVER have anything even remotely positive to write about your fiance? Cripes, now you're actually COMPLAINING about the fact that he compliments you. Can't you ever just be thankful that you have someone in your life who obviously cares? Who sticks by you, despite your major differences in ambitions/work ethics/social interests/travel interests, etc?

 

It seems you are simply not ever content unless you're complaining about something related to your poor fiance. Christ, his sweet compliments to you are something you ***** about.