Living with deadbeat?

[tman666]

This will probably be pretty long, but here goes...

 

 

I have been living for my gf of approximately 1.5 years for about 4 months now (since the beginning of last June). She moved out to be with me and start our lives together. I am 24, she is 23. That decision was made based on that I already had a job at our location, and that she was still in school when I moved here. So, she moved out here jobless after she graduated with her bachelor's degree in psychology. I never wanted to be in a position of supporting her entirely, so I tried to set up an equitable situation where we split utilities, and where I paid 75 percent of the rent, and she paid 25 percent. It was my hope that this way, we would both be able to make reasonable contributions based on our anticipated income. We both knew that she probably wasn't going to make as much as me, so it seemed like a fair way to do things.

 

Since then, she has remained jobless. I go to work every day, and she sits at home "job searching". At first, I just figured that maybe she was getting to know her way around town, and kind of getting her feet under her, so to speak.

 

However, over time, I've come to realize that she spends most of her time wasting time on the internet, and will never call any potential employers to follow up or pursue jobs. She will occasionally send in an application for a job, but it never goes beyond that. To me, that's like going fishing and remembering to bring your fishing pole, but never casting your line into the water. She's just standing on the bank.

 

She says that she knows that to get a job (especially a professional career like she wants) she needs to hit the job search harder, but it seems like the second I leave the house to go to work, all of that goes out the window. I have brought this up with her many times, which has taught me over time to avoid. It seems like she's paralyzed.

 

We agreed early on that my "coaching" wasn't helping anything, and that she could do this herself. Afterall, she's a college graduate and a big girl. She has been faithful to our sharing of financial responsibilities until recently. She now says that next month, she will not have enough to pay her 25 percent share of the rent, let alone her half of the utilities. I have long since given up on holding her responsible to buy any food.

 

I feel like I'm being more than fair with our arrangement. I feel like I pay for practically everything, and all she can do is come up with excuses as to why she isn't able to land any employment.

 

I am leaving next week for a month to be out in the field for my job, leaving her here, entirely to her own devices. I feel torn because I know that if she is not able to pay her part of the living expenses, I will experience more financial strain than I'm already in. I also feel that she has not lived up to her promises of working hard to get a job. I realize that the job market sucks right now, but I think that she should be pulling her weight at this point, even if it's not her "dream job". I feel that if I paid for her part of the expenses, it would put me in a position of being the caretaker. That is the opposite of what I want and need from a partner. I want an someone who I feel is an equal, especially when it comes to work ethic.

 

I am deeply in love with this girl, but I fear that supporting her in breach of our agreement sets a certain standard in our relationship that I am not willing to entertain. As much as it saddens me to say this, I feel that if I back down from our agreement and pay for everything as she continues her leisurely job search would be unfair to myself, unfair to her, and unfair to our relationship. Right now it seems doomed either way though, unless she gets a job...

 

I apologize for my foggy sounding writing and the rambling nature of my post.

[carhill]

Great reason for remaining separate until married....

 

Is she on the lease?

 

When you get back, it's time for a come to Jesus. Don't bother in the interim, other than to encourage her to share her job search progress with you while away.

 

Tell me about the ways she supports, validates, and carries her load of responsibilities around the tman666 household......

 

I know, when I was slow, my wife didn't have to lift a finger around the house. Things just got done. I could see your GF being this way. Sounds good

[KikiW]

Make sure things are taken care of the month you are away - you don't want bad feelings to start and you to come home to a spiteful woman who has decided to trash your place on her way out the door.

 

You might think she wouldn't, but it's MUCH better to be safer than sorry as hell.

 

Mention whenever appropriate that your finances are becoming strained and you can't go on supporting her - you just don't have the money. Tell her she MUST find employment, even if it's not exactly what she wants to be doing, just to make sure things can get paid for.

 

When you get back from your trip, see what she's done. If she finds employment - GREAT, it's a start! If she doesn't, tell her to pack her things and go home.

 

It seems to me that there is a good portion of the post-grad generation that is ticked off that they aren't getting a free ride anymore. Parents aren't supporting them much (or they are living at home still by their good graces), and the high paying entry level jobs are history. They don't want to "lower themselves" to lower paying gigs, even if it's only until the economy picks up. Of course I am not saying all people of that generation are like that, but I see it a lot and I have friends who are professors at universities and they see it as well.

 

She needs to get off her butt and hit the pavement, and if she isn't willing to put the effort in, you are only ever going to support her, and I don't think you are looking for that in a partner.

[tman666]

Great reason for remaining separate until married....

 

Is she on the lease?

 

When you get back, it's time for a come to Jesus. Don't bother in the interim, other than to encourage her to share her job search progress with you while away.

 

Tell me about the ways she supports, validates, and carries her load of responsibilities around the tman666 household......

 

I know, when I was slow, my wife didn't have to lift a finger around the house. Things just got done. I could see your GF being this way. Sounds good

 

She is not on the lease, nor are any of the utilities in her name.

 

As far as how she contributes, she does help out with some small things like watering some plants, and occasionally doing dishes. Once in a while, she'll clean up around the house (once, as in I think she's maybe done this a few times over the last 4 months). It's not as if she doesn't do a single thing, but it sucks because I usually have to ask her to do them. Sometimes I think that if I didn't ask her sometimes or do it regularly myself, she'd probably leave trash and dishes piled high until we had rats and/or ran out of dishes . I honestly don't mind doing my share of the chores.

 

Haha I'm assuming by your "when I was slow..." comment you mean that you had to set some more concrete expectations regarding sharing of responsibilities... Also, will you please clarify on the meaning of a "come to Jesus"? English is my first language, but I've never heard this one.

[carhill]

It means, if she doesn't straighten up, she'll be wishing she were meeting her maker

 

Right now, your household should function no differently than my parents did. You're earning most or all of the money, so she should be proactively doing most or all of the chores. Stop making it easy for her. My dad had a paper and dinner waiting for him every night when he got home and my mom did it proudly. It's called being a team. Later, when she did go back to work, carhill (that's me) got to do chores. Still, she was household manager and dad was financial provider.

 

Your circumstances are different (she's looking for work) but, in the interim, she needs to show you her value as a team player if she wants your relationship to continue.

 

How's the sex?

[tman666]

It seems to me that there is a good portion of the post-grad generation that is ticked off that they aren't getting a free ride anymore. Parents aren't supporting them much (or they are living at home still by their good graces), and the high paying entry level jobs are history. They don't want to "lower themselves" to lower paying gigs, even if it's only until the economy picks up. Of course I am not saying all people of that generation are like that, but I see it a lot and I have friends who are professors at universities and they see it as well.

 

You hit the nail right on the head. She actually freely admitted this to me during a particularly heated argument. Perhaps she was under the impression that employers would come to her looking to pick her up... I saw that in a lot of my classmates too.

[tman666]

It means, if she doesn't straighten up, she'll be wishing she were meeting her maker

 

Right now, your household should function no differently than my parents did. You're earning most or all of the money, so she should be proactively doing most or all of the chores. Stop making it easy for her. My dad had a paper and dinner waiting for him every night when he got home and my mom did it proudly. It's called being a team. Later, when she did go back to work, carhill (that's me) got to do chores. Still, she was household manager and dad was financial provider.

 

Your circumstances are different (she's looking for work) but, in the interim, she needs to show you her value as a team player if she wants your relationship to continue.

 

How's the sex?

 

I agree 100 percent. It's not being chauvinistic, it's just real life.

 

The sex is mind blowing:D

[carhill]

Tell her to apply for a job at a psych hospital or prison for the criminally insane. The psych's there make pretty good dough. Also, she can work doing something else and get her PhD. That'll likely help a lot. A psych B.S. can be pretty limiting in that field.

 

Working even making 20K a year is better than nothing. Work brings network, which brings opportunities. Heck, volunteer as a counselor at a battered women's shelter. Benefactors of such facilities generally have jobs available or know someone who does. Someone who appreciates the generosity of volunteerism.